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Father needing care: assisted living or have him move in?
cj iwakura
The Rhythm RegentBears The Name FreedomRegistered User regular
The Rhythm RegentBears The Name FreedomRegistered User regular
So this has been up in the air for about a year or so, and now it's supposedly happening: my father's former significant other(they're separated but they've been together for decades) is moving to North Carolina and tells me she's through taking care of him. She insists his mental state is deteriorating to the point that he can't function alone. He has his own place, but she handles his bills, cooks for him, helps out as needed, etc. (They live in the same complex.)
She insists she's fed up with it and wants to go be with her grandchildren instead of looking after my father. Both her and her daughters tell me I have to step in because I'm the only one with Power Of Attorney, as I'm the only child. They want me to put him into assisted living. He has no source of income apart from social, which I'm told is $1400.
I'm not sure if that's feasible for assisted living, or even if I want to subject him to that. I suggested that he just move in with me. I have a full time job, but apart from that, I'm usually home, so I feel like I'm capable, but they seem to think it's a bad idea and that he could get worse within a few months. They suspect he has dementia/Alzheimer's, but there's no hard proof yet, it could just be side effects from a stroke he's had.
I guess the bottom line is this: is assisted living the right way to go, or will he be fine staying with me? I'm fine with the inherent responsibilities of looking after him, I just dread something like him (heaven forbid) starting a fire or letting my cats outside(they're both domesticated).
If assisted living is the way to go, will social be enough to handle it? I don't think I could afford to help cover it myself. If not, will I be able to find that option on short notice if things do deteriorate quickly? My stepsister(I call her that for sake of argument) says there's waiting lists involved, and I can't count on that being an option.
He'll probably be coming to South Florida regardless(he's currently in Gainesville), just a question of to where.
As for my father's opinion: he's perfectly fine with moving in, but the rest insist he can't make decisions on his own and shouldn't be relied upon to make a sound decision. I just don't like the idea of pawning him off on assisted living, personally. (He's around 67 if that matters.)
She insists she's fed up with it and wants to go be with her grandchildren instead of looking after my father. Both her and her daughters tell me I have to step in because I'm the only one with Power Of Attorney, as I'm the only child. They want me to put him into assisted living. He has no source of income apart from social, which I'm told is $1400.
I'm not sure if that's feasible for assisted living, or even if I want to subject him to that. I suggested that he just move in with me. I have a full time job, but apart from that, I'm usually home, so I feel like I'm capable, but they seem to think it's a bad idea and that he could get worse within a few months. They suspect he has dementia/Alzheimer's, but there's no hard proof yet, it could just be side effects from a stroke he's had.
I guess the bottom line is this: is assisted living the right way to go, or will he be fine staying with me? I'm fine with the inherent responsibilities of looking after him, I just dread something like him (heaven forbid) starting a fire or letting my cats outside(they're both domesticated).
If assisted living is the way to go, will social be enough to handle it? I don't think I could afford to help cover it myself. If not, will I be able to find that option on short notice if things do deteriorate quickly? My stepsister(I call her that for sake of argument) says there's waiting lists involved, and I can't count on that being an option.
He'll probably be coming to South Florida regardless(he's currently in Gainesville), just a question of to where.
As for my father's opinion: he's perfectly fine with moving in, but the rest insist he can't make decisions on his own and shouldn't be relied upon to make a sound decision. I just don't like the idea of pawning him off on assisted living, personally. (He's around 67 if that matters.)
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I've worked in assisted living facilities. It's possibly unreasonable to assume he can live on his own or with you if he's already surrendered power of attorney. You're welcome to try, and maybe for now it would be okay. If for no other reason than because you'd get to spend time around him.
If he falls frequently , gets confused or starts having mood swings or changes in basic behavior, he probably needs more care than someone working full time can provide.
If you have him living somewhere locally and can visit frequently without having all your time around him being managing his care, I think that would be a better use of the time. Its not like you can't have him come visit on weekends and stay for holidays and stuff.
Go visit a few places and see what you think.
Financially speaking: will any decent place accept just his social/medicaid/etc.?
It sounds to me as if you really want to try this, so I would at least explore what his ability is like yourself. If the people involved are experts in elder care then their information is suspect and needs to be verified. There is a risk involved here, but you can mitigate the risk a great deal. Personally, I would make my decision based on what I felt best about first, and be prepared to change once I got confirmation of his mental state from either first hand experience, or one with qualifications and experience.
It really depends on the place. Any place you think to place him should be evaluated and researched pretty heavily. If you decide he needs that kind of care then you need to go the extra mile in checking these places out to protect him. It is a lot of work, but it is required work.
Ideally, you could find him a place that combines retirement home with assisted living/memory care. That way he could potentially start in the retirement community and transition into memory care if his condition worsens.
A short term solution might be for him to move in with you and place him in to Adult Day Care while you are at work. This would give you the chance to personally evaluate his condition and proceed from there, while still ensuring that he has round the clock care.
Some will, it really depends. There are high end places that are kind of predatory in their pricing and not always worth what you pay. I would guess Florida would be packed full of places and you'd need to visit a few to get an idea. Something to keep in mind, lots of people when they move in hate the fact they've lost their independence but if they can socialize they make friends and stuff again and in my anecdotal experience it really helps stave off the isolation that people in retirement end out feeling.
I say set aside an hour or two and call around on a Saturday. Some are very affordable though.
Of course use your best judgement, but when my own grandmother was developing Alzheimers, she would do things like touch a spoon that had been left in a pot on the stove, without realizing that the spoon had been there for 10 minutes and was very hot. Leaving the oven on, not knowing where she was at times, answering the phone and opening herself up to scams, etc.
I'll talk to my mom to get more details but for my grandfather, his social security/medicaid covered his costs but his assets had to be at a certain level in order for him to be accepted into the nursing facility.
This is in New York though so I'm not sure if things vary state to state.
This is a long hard decision, but think about what's best. Are you willing to be a full time caretaker, OP?
I've been told he's done something to that effect. :? I just haven't witnessed it first hand, he mostly forgets short-term things. The main thing is I'm not really sure how severe the situation is.
If that's the case, you should take him to a doctor so they can test for all the possibilities. Thinking about assisted living or becoming a full-time caretaker is important, but getting a diagnosis is a priority.
I wouldn't be surprised if there were message boards or websites about people who take care of their parents full-time. That should give you some insight on the amount of time and effort it would take to care for him, if dementia or Alzheimers is what he has.
He's currently waiting for the results, so I kind of have to plan without knowing all the facts(yet).
My mom actually worked with a non profit for a while that would just stop by and make sure things were ok, cook a meal in the person's home and visit for an hour or two. It was local, though I'm sure similar non-profits exist in your location. Just something to consider if he does live with you for a bit. They won't be able to provide medical care or treatment but having someone check in is nice if that's all he needs.
Edit: Plan for a care facility. It's not a life sentence or anything, you can always have him move in with you. There are medical reasons for confusion and mood swings that aren't related to Alzheimer's or Dementia that can be managed. Diabetes and poor sleep, poor nutrition, lack of exercise and interactions with medications can all do stuff.
Get information, have him move in and see what happens. Moving forward being over prepared will still be helpful even if it turns out everyone is exaggerating because he's fussy.
My stepmother is giving me absolute hell(you can't take care of him, you don't know how bad he is, you just want his money(she seriously said that)), etc.
While part of me is dreading that I'm making an irrevocable mistake, I feel like it's the right thing to do.
My doctor down here will likely be seeing him, and presumably she'll be getting info from his.
Someone at work also told me that his medicaid/medicare might cover a nurse to visit sometimes while I'm at work, if it becomes necessary?
This is something we did for my grandmother when it was no longer feasible for me to check in on her during my lunch break every day until my Mom could come take care of her for the rest of the day. That all depends on a lot of variables with medicaid/medicare but I would definitely consider looking into it once you know more about his condition.
If it were me, I would research as much as possible starting right now, and try to schedule visits with every single assisted living facility that you can afford within a reasonable visiting distance for the week of Thanksgiving. On top of looking into their medical capabilities, safety record, etc., that timing will hopefully give you some insight as to how bearable each facility is for the residents living there. It's worth seeing if they are decorating/planning holiday activities/etc. for the residents vs. just seeing themselves as the desert that young families send their elderly to die.
Well, I look at it this way, where he's at now, he basically just watches TV all the time. At least staying with me, he gets to go out and do things. My stepmother sure doesn't take him anywhere.
It is not a small job to do, and unless you have employment flexibility (depending on what your dad's physical condition is), it could be difficult to juggle with a full-time job.
Having said that, if you still want to do it, all the power to you, but I would at the least check on what wait times for assisted living is, because for good facilities there can sometimes be very long wait lists.
And as a final note, having a loved one in an assisted living complex is not 'pawning off' or anything of the sort. For some elderly people, especially those with cognitive issues, caring for them is a round-the-clock job which not everyone may be financially and physically able to do. It can be very emotionally draining.
You say you're ready to take care of him but I don't think anyone is really ready to take care of an older family member who has Alzheimer's or dementia. My grandmother could get angry very quickly over things that she normally wouldn't and she would take it out on everyone in the house. She would forget to bathe or say she needed help and she would soil herself or accumulate food trash in her bed and not tell anyone (she was mobile enough to walk around the house but liked to eat in her bed while watching TV). We spent a long time trying to help her so she could stay with us but it got to the point that we just couldn't handle taking care of her and the transition to assisted living was miserable (including other complications indirectly related to the situation, to be fair). I honestly now think it would have been better for her to have been in assisted living much earlier.
In my family's experience there were wait lists here in central Florida. The cost can also be very high but her social security did cover it or most of it.
It may feel like you're "pawning" him off but if the costs line up and you have other responsibilities he is possibly better off in assisted living because he will have people dedicated to taking care of him. With my SO going through a similar situation with her grandmother (her situation was slightly different, her grandmother was becoming violent) you will need to visit regularly and speak up about anything they aren't doing correctly. Though assuming there is no language barrier it may not be as much of an issue (her grandmother is from El Salvador and only speaks Spanish).
Also, it's not nearly as bad as I thought. He has early Parkinson's, not Alzheimer's. Hardly easy, but much easier to assist with.