The other day I took a few minutes to research the possibility of moving out. I began browsing nearby apartments, their rates and so on...
But the moment I began to visualize the idea of living on my own, I started to sweat profusely, and my hands started shanking. "What are you doing, you fucking idiot?", my inner voice taunted. "You don't have the guts to actually do this."
This inner voice has popped up in the past: when I'm searching for a new job, when I'm planning to get back into creative writing, when I'm planning to talk to a girl at my current job...even when I'm vacationing, I always find myself tossing and turning the night before, as the thought of sleeping somewhere that isn't my bed begins to stress me out.
I think I have a fear of breaking out of routine, or making even the smallest lifestyle changes. I've talked here before about the possibility that I suffer from anxiety, but considering the pattern of which specific things cause me the most stress, I can't help but wonder if there's a more specific kind of fear that I'm suffering from. It could also factor into why the thought of my eventual death also keeps me up constantly...perhaps the idea of having a career locked in or a place or even a wife is all telling me that my mortal clock is ticking, and I thus constantly try to stall the advancement of my life as much as possible.
I honestly, truly hate this. It's a crippling hesitation that's held me back for years and I don't feel like I'm making any progress. I'm not completely chained to it...I started to get serious about losing weight, which means changing my eating habits and exercising daily, and the positive results have put me in a much more positive mood.
You would think I could use that as an example not to hesitate in other areas, but it hasn't helped. I'm so afraid at the idea of moving to a new place, even though I love the idea of living independently. But I always start second-guessing and placing barriers in front of myself: can I afford it? What if I move into a bad neighborhood? What if I miss my home, my family, my dogs? These same barriers also get in the way when I ponder about focusing on a new career (what if I hate the job, or I'm unqualified), or meeting a girl (what if she thinks I'm a dork...or even worse, a dick?), or when I wanted to try cooking (what if I ruin the meal and go hungry for the day?).
And this is why as much as I enjoy video games and other media, I also know it's a personal escape: I don't want to stress about this shit, let me just watch more SBF LPs and grind more in this RPG....also let me compulsively buy more games and figures and other shit I can barely fit in my room, because it's fun and relaxes me.
On and on and on this keeps happening. I want it to stop...I NEED it to stop.
I just don't know how.