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. If you don't, he'll break your legs! Hahaha! Seriously though.
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. Go and look at them! They are nice, and there may be new ones that you didn't know about! Hooray for rules! Hooray for The System! Hooray for Conforming!
Question for folks managing MDD, GAD, ADHD...
I have diagnoses of Major Depressive Disorder (recurrent, mild) (/possibly cyclothymia? whatever, it's *jazzhands*), Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and 'other' ADHD.
I've been seeing psychiatry folk and a therapist since last November. My anxiety is pretty well-managed at this point; I have difficulties with focus and motivation, and in trying to tweak my drugs, the oversensitive weepiness comes and goes, but I'm high-functioning regardless. What never leaves is anhedonia, and the question of what 'good' or 'healthy' means for me.
Looking back, I have struggled with depression at least since my early 20s, and at 35, I remember feeling that younger me had optimism as my default. Partly a coping mechanism, but moreso my personality. So one of my problems now is creating context -- I know what 'desperate bad' and 'apathetic grayness' feel like, and I'm decent at noticing myself backslide there, but I don't remember how happy and calm feel on a day to day.
I feel relief that I no longer need the security blanket of a benzo with me when I'm out of the house. But it takes a lot to get me out there, and "It's good for you," is basically whistling into the wind. I feel sad pangs when I remember my grandfather isn't alive. I occasionally get to zen-calm after meditating or the cats snuggle on me... and I still kinda side-eye myself when I laugh, it remains a touch unfamiliar. Because I'm in neutral most of the time, it's like I don't really feel
things, but I also know that's a defense mechanism from feeling so many things I can't tame and explain.
I'm a bit out of sorts because I'm between therapists, so hoping that gets sorted next week. I know there will likely always be some niggle of doubt, but I'm thinking I just need more time for my brain to adjust, physically and emotionally. I am impatient only with myself, so anyone who has gone through this process -- how do/did you know when you find your normal, ie your best self? The clinical explanation is rather lacking, and I know it's subjective, but I want those subjective stories for encouragement! It's hard to get better slowly after being sick for so long, but the desire in itself is improvement.