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Now what do I do?
nowwhat
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Registered User regular
I'm a bit reluctant to post this because it feels like my problems are the ultimate privileged person's problems, but I've been having some trouble mentally and I'm not sure what to do.
So on paper, my life is pretty ideal. I've got a good job that's relaxed but still very rewarding. I've got a great wife and a solid marriage - she's my best friend, we communicate really well, and even though we'll occasionally bicker or fight as any couple does we get over it quickly. I've got a great daughter who is smart, funny, and just downright fun. We're very solid financially, and other than our parents getting older and making occasional bad choices, pretty much nothing on the horizon to worry about.
But the thing is I'm turning 35 soon and - other than continuing to be a good husband and father, I've basically met all my lifetime goals. I'm having trouble finding any passion for anything. I feel like I'm just coasting through one day after another, just killing time until it's time to go to bed, or the weekend, or the next holiday / vacation. I'm afraid my life is passing me by, and all I'm doing is filling in the blanks until the next milestone.
This really struck home the past few weeks as I've got a bit of money (a couple hundred dollars) to spend just on me but I can't even find anything I want to spend the money on. I have all kinds of half played with toys, I have hobbies I start on and forget about after a few weeks or months, but nothing I'm excited enough to get that I want to spend money on it. When I get free time where I'm not doing something with my family all I want to do is sit and play the same video games over, I don't even want to buy and play new games that I actually was excited about.
I thought this was just a little bit of a funk, but it's been building for a few months now and it doesn't seem to be going away. I don't want to just pass time until I'm old but I don't know how to pump the brakes or get excited about living. Sure, I look forward to retirement, and I look forward to having my car paid off or house paid off or getting to X benchmark in my 401k, but it's just another milestone that doesn't really mean anything.
I just want to know if other people have felt this way in their lives, and what they did to break out of them. I haven't really talked to my wife much about how I'm feeling because I don't want her to think she's doing something wrong by not making me happy. I don't even know how to broach it to her, and - it feels kind of pathetic saying it - I don't really have anyone else I can talk to. I've got work friends, family, and we've got some mutual friends, but pretty much every friend I had a personal relationship with has faded out of my life over the past ten years.
I know the advice will probably be to just go and talk to a therapist, and I know the way I feel isn't necessarily the reality of the situation, but even that feels like they aren't going to have any answers for me (or just give me drugs). Has anyone else been at a similar stage in their life and felt aimless and - if so - what did they do to feel like they got some purpose for themselves back?
So on paper, my life is pretty ideal. I've got a good job that's relaxed but still very rewarding. I've got a great wife and a solid marriage - she's my best friend, we communicate really well, and even though we'll occasionally bicker or fight as any couple does we get over it quickly. I've got a great daughter who is smart, funny, and just downright fun. We're very solid financially, and other than our parents getting older and making occasional bad choices, pretty much nothing on the horizon to worry about.
But the thing is I'm turning 35 soon and - other than continuing to be a good husband and father, I've basically met all my lifetime goals. I'm having trouble finding any passion for anything. I feel like I'm just coasting through one day after another, just killing time until it's time to go to bed, or the weekend, or the next holiday / vacation. I'm afraid my life is passing me by, and all I'm doing is filling in the blanks until the next milestone.
This really struck home the past few weeks as I've got a bit of money (a couple hundred dollars) to spend just on me but I can't even find anything I want to spend the money on. I have all kinds of half played with toys, I have hobbies I start on and forget about after a few weeks or months, but nothing I'm excited enough to get that I want to spend money on it. When I get free time where I'm not doing something with my family all I want to do is sit and play the same video games over, I don't even want to buy and play new games that I actually was excited about.
I thought this was just a little bit of a funk, but it's been building for a few months now and it doesn't seem to be going away. I don't want to just pass time until I'm old but I don't know how to pump the brakes or get excited about living. Sure, I look forward to retirement, and I look forward to having my car paid off or house paid off or getting to X benchmark in my 401k, but it's just another milestone that doesn't really mean anything.
I just want to know if other people have felt this way in their lives, and what they did to break out of them. I haven't really talked to my wife much about how I'm feeling because I don't want her to think she's doing something wrong by not making me happy. I don't even know how to broach it to her, and - it feels kind of pathetic saying it - I don't really have anyone else I can talk to. I've got work friends, family, and we've got some mutual friends, but pretty much every friend I had a personal relationship with has faded out of my life over the past ten years.
I know the advice will probably be to just go and talk to a therapist, and I know the way I feel isn't necessarily the reality of the situation, but even that feels like they aren't going to have any answers for me (or just give me drugs). Has anyone else been at a similar stage in their life and felt aimless and - if so - what did they do to feel like they got some purpose for themselves back?
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long story short that MS in accounting has led to a part time job as an adjunct professor of accounting which has been both terrifying and exciting. So keep trying new things and you never know what may catch your interest and where it may take you!
Therapists don't give you answers, and they don't necessarily describe drugs either. But they can teach you skills that help you, specifically you, deal with what's going on in your head. So go see a therapist.
Spend the money on a therapy session. Then go do something.
I offer this particularly because I'm definitely not a fitness nut, and I've never believed the advice when it comes from a marathoner or Crossfit junkie whose solution is an entire lifestyle reboot. I'm a dad in his 40's who'd rather sit and play games in his basement. I've learned though that I'm much happier doing it if I've had some exercise that I forced myself into.
What exactly about retirement are you looking forward to? Because in retirement you will have a lot of free time, way more than you do now. If there's anything in particular you're looking forward to in retirement, why aren't you doing it now?
My suggestion is to start or return to one of your hobbies, and actually make time for it. As in, SCHEDULE the time in. Make sure that you protect a certain amount of time per day or per week to devote to your hobby and actually stick with it. The schedule isn't a hard rule, it's more of a suggestion. So if something comes up and you miss the time, reschedule it for another time in the week.
Also, make sure you are active. Walk, run, hit the gym, or even just go for a bike ride every day or every second day. Be active outside, take in the scenery. It sounds like you feel you aren't taking part in life because you are devoted to keeping your life on track. That stuff is important, but so is self-care. And self-care often needs to be scheduled in or we forget to do it.
Often, the hardest part in making a change is taking the first initial steps, but once you do, it gets easier, and the motivation and enjoyment start to kick in. Sitting down and playing video games is easier and also fun, but potentially not as fulfilling as say, gardening, building something, bike riding, learning a skill, or buying a reasonably priced good drone and taking your daughter out for some aerial photography. Go online and look for clubs in your interest areas.
After university I was in a similiar situation. I was working now, my studies behind me, I had more free time and I really wanted to make use of it. I am hampered by a back injury which limits my options and makes it very hard for me to use my free time in a meaningful way. But I took up archery. I got the idea from my girlfriend. I went online, found a shitty place to have a try. Did so. Then I went online and found a club and went to their free try sessions and got some actual coaching. Now, I shoot every 2 weeks for half a day. It gets me outside, I socialise and have made new friends. I have even brought some of my other friends to come enjoy it with me. I have a blast. Plus, it's scheduled.
Another example. I wanted to get into board gaming. So I started to sink some money into building a bit of a games library. So now I play with my friends and because I'm socialising more, my friendship network is increasing, which provide more people to game with. And guess what the key is? We schedule the game nights!
Scheduling fun sounds boring, but I would argue it's one of the most important elements in working towards improving your current rut. Otherwise, you may simply look forward to the empty free time on the weekend which is not all that fulfilling. It does actually take effort to keep these hobbies going, but they're worth it.
Please shoot me a PM if you add me so I know to add you back.
I do try to keep fairly active, I run fairly regularly although my dedication is inconsistent. I have been trying to ramp back up to the level I was at a few years ago when I was running about 20 miles a week, and that has been a goal in heading back towards. I just don't feel passionate about it, it feels like a slog and a chore. Mixing I up with boxing and lifting hasn't really made much of a difference, but it might just be that point of getting back to a real habit.
@Marty81 Your question about why I look forward to retirement is a good one, and one I hadn't really thought about. Retirement was always my holy grail and goal, but I need to think about why and what I really want out of it. I don't want to be like my dad where I'm excited to retire then bored and back to working full time in a few years for some fulfillment.
I was pretty happy a few months ago when I was working every morning on a carpentry project for my wife that turned out really cool. Maybe I will try and spend more time on that.
I appreciate the thoughts, and need to spend more time on mindfulness and bought instead of jut trying to pass time. Just reading this and thinking about it is making me feel a bit better, especially knowing that it's not just me feeling low.
Like there is almost no way for me to advance. So I seek to increase longevity and vacation and other life experiences.
It sounds like you may have a way ahead with the carpentry project. Are there other small projects around the house you could work on? Any shelves in your kitchen cabinets that are sagging and could use replacing and/or reinforcement? Is there a bedroom redo that you've been pushing off? Have you been talking about putting a chair rail or wainscotting in the dining room? If you don't have anything in your house, do you have any friends who are working on something that you can help with?
One example: our house was built around 1971 and has brown, flat, hollow core (interior) doors. We are slowly replacing the doors with white 6-panel doors as we find some small amount of free cash. The replacement project isn't a huge endeavor, and the difference is quite surprising. (I'm also reminding myself how much I hate doors because getting things *just right* in a house where nearly everything is no longer square and plumb is a giant pain in the ass).
If you need other ideas, you can check reddit for projects. /r/DIY is full of small and large projects that others have done.
I'm generally awful at almost anything new I try, but I love that feeling of slow progression, realizing that I'm slightly getting better. Keeps me motivated and happy (although yeah, there will always be points of frustration.)
I think today I need to write down some of my long term goals, then set some shorter term goals that lead to meeting them. I do think one of the big short term goals is to talk to employee assistance and find out what options are available for therapy through my employer, and what options my insurance covers. Even if I don't 'need' therapy, it can't hurt to get some new tools and basically get a mental tune-up.
I also took a look at upcoming runs, and there is a Thanksgiving 5k run that's far enough off I can start training for it and try to get back to 20 minutes. Thinking back to when I was more enthusiastic about running, one of the things that was driving me was setting a personal record at different distances, so it's basically a pre-made set of goals...and if I really get frustrated at 5k I can always bump up to a different distance.
I'm a bit afraid of trying to take on too many things at once, but I think sticking to woodworking as a hobby would be a good goal. I have stacks of barnwood from our farm sitting in my garage and shed, and I think it's time to take a serious look at redoing my closet. It's a project I've been looking at for a few years now, but I've never actually gotten started on.
This is the shelf I made for my wife - I did it secretly over a month or two in the morning after she left for work / before I took my daughter to school. It was pretty fun and rewarding...I'll admit I'm mostly sharing it because I felt really good about it and want to show it off so other people to see it. It was the only thing I've done in quite a while that I felt any real passion about. Having another project like that (Christmas is coming) to focus on might give me the same feeling.
I really do need to think about what I want in retirement though - if my only long term goal is to stop working without any idea why I want to stop working or with the idea that I'll figure it out then, I think I'll just end up disappointed. I've always expected I'd figure out what I wanted at some point in the future, but never really took the time to actually think about it.
It kind of feels too easy to feel this much better practically overnight after feeling down for quite a while, but maybe what I really needed was getting some of this off my chest in a place where I felt safe to share it.
It's not that I don't feel like I can share pretty much anything with my wife, and maybe that's something I need to work on, but I don't want her to think I'm unhappy with her or with our life. Her work has been very stressful for the past year or so (not to mention stress from feeling like the world is going to shit) and I think I've put discussing my own feelings aside so I'm not putting things on her and not getting introspective beyond 'man I'm mad about what stupid thing I read in the news today'.
I guess there's more than one area that needs work, just typing this out is helping me understand some of that better and I appreciate that people are taking the time to listen to / read my wall of text.
My FIL was always handy, so he started volunteering with Habitat for Humanity. It keeps him busy without being overwhelming. If you get to the point that you are running out of projects, volunteering some time to Habitat may be rewarding for you. They always need people to help set up cabinets in kitchens or hang drywall or put in doors (etc, etc).
That said, she should not take the place of a therapist. It can be stressful to regularly have to be there for someone to unload onto when you have your own stresses and stuff to deal with.
She's 7. My wife and I are going on 10 years of marriage.
If you want to keep making things, I really suggest trying to find a studio (maker space, probably) near you, or a meet up group that might provide some community around the activity. Workshops are great, solitary spaces, but sometimes we need social connections and new faces to keep things interesting. That sort of space also gives you a place to share that's more personal than the internet, where searching for validation in likes can be its own terrible path.
Some cities may offer this type of course as well.
I spent half the day on Sunday feeding barn wood through our planer and joiner, and getting pretty excited about this really nice pile of lumber that I've got to work with over the winter. Just having a project to focus on, with a clear progression and outcome has really perked me up, and maybe that's exactly what I needed.
I still need to spend time figuring out what I need to do long term, but getting serious again about being competitive running and having a couple projects to work on instead of just a bunch of tasks seems like it'll be helpful in the short term. It's made me feel like I'm not just in a holding pattern plus running gives me time to myself to think.
As a note, I appreciate the invitation but I'm a bit reluctant to share my work as I really strive to keep a firewall between my real life and online personas. I'm super paranoid about having a direct and permanent tie to my main account in the unlikely event someone does a reverse lookup on something I've shared elsewhere.
A project car will take up all of your spare time and money for a couple of years at least.
This past weekend I was at my parents and talked to my dad for a while which was very enlightening. When I was a kid / in my early teens he had a lot of anger issues, and we were at each other's throats constantly. No physical abuse, but just nasty fights. He had eventually started talking to a psychologist and worked through the issues and ended up having a good relationship when I was in high school.
He had never brought it up before, but he went through a long period of anxiety and depression after my grandfather died where he had a lot of the same feelings and issues I was feeling. I knew my sister had been treated for anxiety / depression issues, but that's the first that either of my parents ever told me they had a clinical diagnosis of depression. Even though I was aware he spoke to a psychologist, I only thought he was learning some coping mechanisms to work through anger.
Talking about some of my concerns here made me a lot more comfortable talking about them with my family and - in doing so - I found out some pretty important information about myself and my mental health. I'm still feeling pretty good and motivated so discussing this here has really helped. I wish I'd made this thread sooner.
I think you know this already, but it took a lot of courage for your dad to admit that to you. Maybe he doesn't feel that way now, since it's all in the past, but I can say with certainty that there was a time he viewed that as a weakness in himself.
I'm on light anxiety meds myself and my wife is the only one who knows about it. I plan to tell my kids once they're old enough to understand, so they know that not everyone is perfect, and everything is easier when you talk about it and have a support system in place.