CambiataCommander ShepardThe likes of which even GAWD has never seenRegistered Userregular
The reason we say, "don't approach women for a date while they're at work." is not because it never works in getting you an actual date. It's because of all the women who will be made to feel uncomfortable or unsafe by that maneuver. The general answer to that seems to be, "I don't care about the women I'm hurting, because of the rare chance this could lead to a wonderful relationship." So it's ignoring the potential damage due to potential personal gain.
As for where you approach women, I think the best way is to get involved with your hobby in a social way and finding people to meet that way. If you are passionate about a thing, people will notice and be interested in you because of your passion. If you don't have a social hobby, try volunteering, or join a book club, or whatever that gets you out socially in a way you can meet people that isn't filled with the pressure to try to be something that you're not.*
*sorry, this is how I feel about pickups in bars, but I don't begrudge anyone who has found success via that avenue. I just don't like it for myself.
"If you divide the whole world into just enemies and friends, you'll end up destroying everything" --Nausicaa of the Valley of Wind
There is, unfortunately, never a situation where asking someone out in a place they frequent is not a risk to that person's ability to continue to be comfortable in that place. However, there are places which are optional, and places which are required. If you make someone uncomfortable at an optional situation, that's unfortunate, but if you make someone uncomfortable in a required situation - a bus, a grocery store, work, a hospital, school, etc. - you've now put them in a position they can't easily choose to escape.
As for where you approach women, I think the best way is to get involved with your hobby in a social way and finding people to meet that way. If you are passionate about a thing, people will notice and be interested in you because of your passion. If you don't have a social hobby, try volunteering, or join a book club, or whatever that gets you out socially in a way you can meet people that isn't filled with the pressure to try to be something that you're not.*
This unfortunately doesn't work in rural areas, where the only major social events will be church or high school football games.
The few people I know who are like me (liberal atheist/agnostic nerds who are forced to live out in the country for economic reasons) don't tend to have that many friends and usually just stay home watching Netflix or whatever because there is nothing for them where they live and they can't leave.
For example, about all I know about the woman I'm interested in so far is that she has a degree in biotechnology but had to move back to her parents' home in the country due to overwhelming student loan debt and has worked night shift as a sales associate at Wal-Mart for the past four years (my own situation is very similar).
Hexmage-PA on
0
Options
AstaerethIn the belly of the beastRegistered Userregular
Not everybody has to do online dating, but the answer to “how do I ask people out without making them feel uncomfortable?” is 100% online dating, where the expectation is set and explicit that people are there to date.
Not everybody has to do online dating, but the answer to “how do I ask people out without making them feel uncomfortable?” is 100% online dating, where the expectation is set and explicit that people are there to date.
Most people on online dating sites, oddly enough, seem to be city dwellers. I've looked on seven dating sites and apps and have found less than ten people total within one hour of where I live, and only two that seemed like they would be the least bit compatible with me (I went on a date with one, but we didn't hit it off).
Come to think of it, I'm starting to expect there's probably a significant cultural divide between women living in the city versus women living in the country. A woman living in the city probably comes into contact with way more men hitting on them in their daily life than a woman living in the country does. The former might use public transportation, and the places she goes will be more crowded. A woman living in the country will be driving more and going to places with fewer people (and probably an older population with fewer men her age, since lots of young people leave for the city and don't come back). There's just not as much opportunity for someone to receive unwanted male attention. If anyone who lives in a rural area disagrees with this assessment please let me know.
This is just a hunch, but I wouldn't be surprised if hitting on a woman at work is generally considered more acceptable in the country because there just isn't the massive volume of men and constant public exposure to them that there is in the city. I know I wouldn't have been born if my father hadn't asked my mother out when she was working the drive-through at McDonalds.
Not everybody has to do online dating, but the answer to “how do I ask people out without making them feel uncomfortable?” is 100% online dating, where the expectation is set and explicit that people are there to date.
Online dating is the future
Marty: The future, it's where you're going? Doc: That's right, twenty five years into the future. I've always dreamed on seeing the future, looking beyond my years, seeing the progress of mankind. I'll also be able to see who wins the next twenty-five world series.
The reason we say, "don't approach women for a date while they're at work." is not because it never works in getting you an actual date. It's because of all the women who will be made to feel uncomfortable or unsafe by that maneuver. The general answer to that seems to be, "I don't care about the women I'm hurting, because of the rare chance this could lead to a wonderful relationship." So it's ignoring the potential damage due to potential personal gain.
Early this year I dated someone I met at and frequently visited at her job. However, she was the one who initiated it. I had just been talking to her a bit whenever I came in, but she eventually started asking me to accompany her on her breaks whenever I visited (usually once a week by that point), and eventually she told me she wanted to go to a movie with me.
So I feel like there might be a way to date someone you know from their workplace, but you have to let them be in control. However, before I wasn't initially interacting with this woman out of a desire to date, so I can understand if trying to gradually build rapport with someone primarily to see if they'll one day want to date you could be seen as manipulative.
I'd like to think there's a difference between building a rapport with someone you would really like to date, but being satisfied with just friendship if it never gets to that point versus being angry that you were "friendzoned".
Not everybody has to do online dating, but the answer to “how do I ask people out without making them feel uncomfortable?” is 100% online dating, where the expectation is set and explicit that people are there to date.
Online dating is the future
The real future is “offline dating”—just scan the person you’re interested in with your augmented reality app (or Google Glasses type deal) and see that they’ve got their “looking for dates” flag flying, along with some profile info to give you a real conversation starter or warn you off (“420 don’t approach”). Someday!
Online dating, unfortunately, has a lot of privacy issues...
I recently asked the woman I dated briefly early this year for advice on whether or not I should try to ask out the woman I'm interested in now, saying that "I'm sure women who work retail get hit on a lot, so I wouldn't want to bother her."
Her response was basically "find out her name, find her Facebook page, and learn as much about her interests as you can from it so you'll know what she likes to talk about".
Translated: "Secretly do something she'd find really creepy if she knew you did it so you'll know how to talk to her more confidently and not seem creepy."
The last three threads we've had on the subject have been fun and all, but I don't think it's feminists responsibility to find anybody a date.
And if it were, we might put a higher priority on the love lives of women.
It's a bit more than just "finding someone a date." It's trying to create a new set of societal norms for dating that aren't awful so that straight men won't be unintentionally (or intentionally) harassing women all the time or turning to blatant misogynists for techniques on how to manipulate women.
Online dating, unfortunately, has a lot of privacy issues...
I recently asked the woman I dated briefly early this year for advice on whether or not I should try to ask out the woman I'm interested in now, saying that "I'm sure women who work retail get hit on a lot, so I wouldn't want to bother her."
Her response was basically "find out her name, find her Facebook page, and learn as much about her interests as you can from it so you'll know what she likes to talk about".
Translated: "Secretly do something she'd find really creepy if she knew you did it so you'll know how to talk to her more confidently and not seem creepy."
One of the many reasons I use so many aliases that most of my friends don't know my real first name.
I can understand women doing it to check on men given the risks inherent in the current culture, but even then a request for consent to check seems like an obvious step.
Posts
As for where you approach women, I think the best way is to get involved with your hobby in a social way and finding people to meet that way. If you are passionate about a thing, people will notice and be interested in you because of your passion. If you don't have a social hobby, try volunteering, or join a book club, or whatever that gets you out socially in a way you can meet people that isn't filled with the pressure to try to be something that you're not.*
*sorry, this is how I feel about pickups in bars, but I don't begrudge anyone who has found success via that avenue. I just don't like it for myself.
This unfortunately doesn't work in rural areas, where the only major social events will be church or high school football games.
The few people I know who are like me (liberal atheist/agnostic nerds who are forced to live out in the country for economic reasons) don't tend to have that many friends and usually just stay home watching Netflix or whatever because there is nothing for them where they live and they can't leave.
For example, about all I know about the woman I'm interested in so far is that she has a degree in biotechnology but had to move back to her parents' home in the country due to overwhelming student loan debt and has worked night shift as a sales associate at Wal-Mart for the past four years (my own situation is very similar).
Most people on online dating sites, oddly enough, seem to be city dwellers. I've looked on seven dating sites and apps and have found less than ten people total within one hour of where I live, and only two that seemed like they would be the least bit compatible with me (I went on a date with one, but we didn't hit it off).
Come to think of it, I'm starting to expect there's probably a significant cultural divide between women living in the city versus women living in the country. A woman living in the city probably comes into contact with way more men hitting on them in their daily life than a woman living in the country does. The former might use public transportation, and the places she goes will be more crowded. A woman living in the country will be driving more and going to places with fewer people (and probably an older population with fewer men her age, since lots of young people leave for the city and don't come back). There's just not as much opportunity for someone to receive unwanted male attention. If anyone who lives in a rural area disagrees with this assessment please let me know.
This is just a hunch, but I wouldn't be surprised if hitting on a woman at work is generally considered more acceptable in the country because there just isn't the massive volume of men and constant public exposure to them that there is in the city. I know I wouldn't have been born if my father hadn't asked my mother out when she was working the drive-through at McDonalds.
Online dating is the future
Doc: That's right, twenty five years into the future. I've always dreamed on seeing the future, looking beyond my years, seeing the progress of mankind. I'll also be able to see who wins the next twenty-five world series.
Early this year I dated someone I met at and frequently visited at her job. However, she was the one who initiated it. I had just been talking to her a bit whenever I came in, but she eventually started asking me to accompany her on her breaks whenever I visited (usually once a week by that point), and eventually she told me she wanted to go to a movie with me.
So I feel like there might be a way to date someone you know from their workplace, but you have to let them be in control. However, before I wasn't initially interacting with this woman out of a desire to date, so I can understand if trying to gradually build rapport with someone primarily to see if they'll one day want to date you could be seen as manipulative.
I'd like to think there's a difference between building a rapport with someone you would really like to date, but being satisfied with just friendship if it never gets to that point versus being angry that you were "friendzoned".
It is a good example of a mostly expendable environment, though. One-time-only events may be another example from a more natural situation.
The real future is “offline dating”—just scan the person you’re interested in with your augmented reality app (or Google Glasses type deal) and see that they’ve got their “looking for dates” flag flying, along with some profile info to give you a real conversation starter or warn you off (“420 don’t approach”). Someday!
And if it were, we might put a higher priority on the love lives of women.
I recently asked the woman I dated briefly early this year for advice on whether or not I should try to ask out the woman I'm interested in now, saying that "I'm sure women who work retail get hit on a lot, so I wouldn't want to bother her."
Her response was basically "find out her name, find her Facebook page, and learn as much about her interests as you can from it so you'll know what she likes to talk about".
Translated: "Secretly do something she'd find really creepy if she knew you did it so you'll know how to talk to her more confidently and not seem creepy."
It's a bit more than just "finding someone a date." It's trying to create a new set of societal norms for dating that aren't awful so that straight men won't be unintentionally (or intentionally) harassing women all the time or turning to blatant misogynists for techniques on how to manipulate women.
One of the many reasons I use so many aliases that most of my friends don't know my real first name.
I can understand women doing it to check on men given the risks inherent in the current culture, but even then a request for consent to check seems like an obvious step.