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We're all just doing our best for our [Kids]

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Posts

  • JansonJanson Registered User regular
    Also, congratulations @Solvent ! Sorry, I should have led with that. :D

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    Slacker71Brody
  • MorivethMoriveth Just my luck! There's a phone between these rocks! Registered User regular
    One time shortly after Anya was born, I was lying next to @Janson and I got up to use the bathroom, and she immediately GRABBED me and held me tight because she thought I was Anya falling out of the bed.

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  • PerrsunPerrsun Registered User regular
    Entriech wrote: »
    My favourite exhausted newborn moment is the times I'd wake up in bed, my arms having automatically moved into a cradling position, and I'd be 100% convinced that I was holding the baby for a good minute. Even though we never co-slept. It would take great effort to like, rationalize I wasn't about to dump the baby on the floor by moving.

    I had an almost opposite problem. We never co-slept, but I would partially wake in the middle of the night looking for the baby in the blankets, convinced that he was being crushed.

    He never was, and it was always just a pillow that I had rolled onto and my brain turned it into something else... but sleeping-me never remembered that he’d never been in the same bed.

    spono
  • FishmanFishman Long time gone, Constantinople Registered User regular
    At this morning's football festival Kees scored his first ever goals in a competitive game.

    Achievement unlocked.

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  • DaMoonRulzDaMoonRulz Mare ImbriumRegistered User regular
    What kind of celebration routine did he have up his sleeve?

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    "Democracy is based on the assumption that a million men are smarter than one man. How's that again? I missed something" Lazarus Long

  • PerrsunPerrsun Registered User regular
    Also here’s a thing that happened recently. Spoiled because it’s long and a stressful thing. Everything’s ok but if you don’t want to add stress to your life don’t read. Just venting:
    Thursday night our boy (almost 2) had a febrile seizure.

    These apparently happen because of a spike in body temperature, or a quick onset fever, usually because of a virus or infection.

    It was just... so scary to see happen, and so suddenly. We got him through it, despite being terrified because it seemed like he wasn’t breathing but then he started gasping and then crying. Cripes hearing that cry was a relief on the level of hearing him cry after being born. We took him to the ER and that’s when they told us about these febrile seizures.

    Apparently they just happen, usually when the kid is about to get or is sick. No link to epilepsy, though febrile seizures apparently can run in families (and we found out afterwards that both my mother in-law and brother in-law had one when they were young, but my wife hadn’t).

    From what the Dr said and what I’ve been reading most kids outgrow the chance of getting one by 5 or 6 years old, though they can happen multiple times... and having had 1 slightly increases the chances of having another one.

    All yesterday we just watched everything he did and through the day and into today you’d never know that anything happened. As far as he’s concerned everything is completely back to normal.

    So yeah. It seems like the worst of it is over for now, but cripes that was not how I expected that night to go.

  • Capt HowdyCapt Howdy Registered User regular
    edited May 25
    Good lord, when did bunk beds become $1k things? And when did they fall out of favor? We recently moved wifey's grandma in since her local family wasn't taking care of her, which means our youngest is room-less. Figure we'll just put a bunkbed in our oldest's room.

    He's not thrilled about it, but he loves his grandma and understands the situation.

    Capt Howdy on
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  • JansonJanson Registered User regular
    @Perrsun I’m sorry, that’s so scary! Hopefully that’s the only one you have to witness.

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  • KetarKetar Ready to feel better about your own miserable lives?Registered User regular
    Capt Howdy wrote: »
    Good lord, when did bunk beds become $1k things? And when did they fall out of favor? We recently moved wifey's grandma in since her local family wasn't taking care of her, which means our youngest is room-less. Figure we'll just put a bunkbed in our oldest's room.

    He's not thrilled about it, but he loves his grandma and understands the situation.

    There are bunk beds that are that expensive, but there are decent options out there in the $200-400 range.

    Take a look at Wayfair's website. We're planning on buying a couple of loft beds from them in early July when we should be moving into our new house. They're in the midst of a big Memorial Day sale now with a lot of discounts on beds.

    Capt Howdy
  • MNC DoverMNC Dover Game Designer/Stay-at-home Dad Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    Abigail learned the hard way that nature is uncaring and evil.

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    In the second picture, you can see the wave rolling up on her. I told her to run and she tripped trying to pick up her bucket. The wave crashed over her back and put her face-down into the drink. Naturally I made sure she was okay first before documenting her humiliation for generations to come.

    The tears didn't stop until I got her back into the hotel room and cleaned up. She hated the ocean after that and wanted nothing to do with it. Good girl, the ocean sucks.

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  • Capt HowdyCapt Howdy Registered User regular
    Ketar wrote: »
    Capt Howdy wrote: »
    Good lord, when did bunk beds become $1k things? And when did they fall out of favor? We recently moved wifey's grandma in since her local family wasn't taking care of her, which means our youngest is room-less. Figure we'll just put a bunkbed in our oldest's room.

    He's not thrilled about it, but he loves his grandma and understands the situation.

    There are bunk beds that are that expensive, but there are decent options out there in the $200-400 range.

    Take a look at Wayfair's website. We're planning on buying a couple of loft beds from them in early July when we should be moving into our new house. They're in the midst of a big Memorial Day sale now with a lot of discounts on beds.

    Should have said the type we want is pricey. Wife is insisting on stairs instead of ladder, and I fully understand her logic on it. Personally I think he'd be fine with a ladder given my experiences with him at the park, but that's not a hill I'm willing to die on.

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  • FishmanFishman Long time gone, Constantinople Registered User regular
    DaMoonRulz wrote: »
    What kind of celebration routine did he have up his sleeve?

    Full field airplane screaming "Woooo!" with knee slide into side rolls.


    As far as he's concerned, the celebration is as much a part of the game as dribbling and kicking and should be treated - and recounted in the retelling - just as seriously.

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  • KetarKetar Ready to feel better about your own miserable lives?Registered User regular
    Capt Howdy wrote: »
    Ketar wrote: »
    Capt Howdy wrote: »
    Good lord, when did bunk beds become $1k things? And when did they fall out of favor? We recently moved wifey's grandma in since her local family wasn't taking care of her, which means our youngest is room-less. Figure we'll just put a bunkbed in our oldest's room.

    He's not thrilled about it, but he loves his grandma and understands the situation.

    There are bunk beds that are that expensive, but there are decent options out there in the $200-400 range.

    Take a look at Wayfair's website. We're planning on buying a couple of loft beds from them in early July when we should be moving into our new house. They're in the midst of a big Memorial Day sale now with a lot of discounts on beds.

    Should have said the type we want is pricey. Wife is insisting on stairs instead of ladder, and I fully understand her logic on it. Personally I think he'd be fine with a ladder given my experiences with him at the park, but that's not a hill I'm willing to die on.

    Fair enough. Thankfully ours are old enough that we're ok with ladders.

    Wayfair does have 1 or 2 with stairs for $600-ish right now though.

    Capt Howdy
  • JansonJanson Registered User regular
    Heeey guess who’s sick with a fever... again

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  • SharpyVIISharpyVII Registered User regular
    Janson wrote: »
    Heeey guess who’s sick with a fever... again

    Oh no :( hope they get better soon!

    Second midwife visit since we came home. She did the new born check to make sure all his bits and pieces are present and correct.

    It's crazy how much he's changed in a day already. He's breastfeeding much better and he's been opening his eyes way more.

    Had a good ten minute conversation with him whilst he was looking at me!

    Just trying to get him settled for the night now. He's started doing smelly poops after feeding as he's passed all the meconium.

    I'm still in awe at the magnificent farts he can do.

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  • mosssnackmosssnack Yeah right, man, Bishop should go! Good idea!Registered User regular
    Wooo, huge parental annoyance. The washing machine is broke. Pretty sure I got it figured out, just need the part to arrive.

    But still! I already have so much dang laundry to do

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  • JansonJanson Registered User regular
    Noooooo

    That’s honestly a nightmare of mine. Our bathroom sink is leaking? Whatever, use the kitchen sink. Dishwasher broke? We removed it and have been handwashing our dishes, no problem. But please don’t let the washing machine break!

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  • mosssnackmosssnack Yeah right, man, Bishop should go! Good idea!Registered User regular
    Yeah, no kidding. This was stressing me the hell out. We’ll just play Rock Paper Scissors to see who gets to go to the laundry mat with all of the laundry and none of the kids. Hopefully this part shows up before the end of the week

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  • PeenPeen tw1tch0rz occasionallyRegistered User regular
    Perrsun wrote: »
    Also here’s a thing that happened recently. Spoiled because it’s long and a stressful thing. Everything’s ok but if you don’t want to add stress to your life don’t read. Just venting:
    Thursday night our boy (almost 2) had a febrile seizure.

    These apparently happen because of a spike in body temperature, or a quick onset fever, usually because of a virus or infection.

    It was just... so scary to see happen, and so suddenly. We got him through it, despite being terrified because it seemed like he wasn’t breathing but then he started gasping and then crying. Cripes hearing that cry was a relief on the level of hearing him cry after being born. We took him to the ER and that’s when they told us about these febrile seizures.

    Apparently they just happen, usually when the kid is about to get or is sick. No link to epilepsy, though febrile seizures apparently can run in families (and we found out afterwards that both my mother in-law and brother in-law had one when they were young, but my wife hadn’t).

    From what the Dr said and what I’ve been reading most kids outgrow the chance of getting one by 5 or 6 years old, though they can happen multiple times... and having had 1 slightly increases the chances of having another one.

    All yesterday we just watched everything he did and through the day and into today you’d never know that anything happened. As far as he’s concerned everything is completely back to normal.

    So yeah. It seems like the worst of it is over for now, but cripes that was not how I expected that night to go.

    This happened to us with my second kid. She's had three, two with one cold and then one a few months later. We did the night in the hospital after the first one and didn't need to do anything special for the second time it happened but it was scary as hell both times. We got really aggressive with Tylenol to bring fevers down after that but she grew out of them and she's just fine now. Our best to you and yours, it's a bad thing.

  • Capt HowdyCapt Howdy Registered User regular
    Ketar wrote: »
    Capt Howdy wrote: »
    Ketar wrote: »
    Capt Howdy wrote: »
    Good lord, when did bunk beds become $1k things? And when did they fall out of favor? We recently moved wifey's grandma in since her local family wasn't taking care of her, which means our youngest is room-less. Figure we'll just put a bunkbed in our oldest's room.

    He's not thrilled about it, but he loves his grandma and understands the situation.

    There are bunk beds that are that expensive, but there are decent options out there in the $200-400 range.

    Take a look at Wayfair's website. We're planning on buying a couple of loft beds from them in early July when we should be moving into our new house. They're in the midst of a big Memorial Day sale now with a lot of discounts on beds.

    Should have said the type we want is pricey. Wife is insisting on stairs instead of ladder, and I fully understand her logic on it. Personally I think he'd be fine with a ladder given my experiences with him at the park, but that's not a hill I'm willing to die on.

    Fair enough. Thankfully ours are old enough that we're ok with ladders.

    Wayfair does have 1 or 2 with stairs for $600-ish right now though.

    The Babcocks here has, I'm thinking, the same model you're suggesting. We got her grandma a full bedroom setup for $900, so $700 seemed outrageous comparatively speaking. Just need to bring the little one to the store to see how he likes it.

    I'm seriously blessed with how understanding our 13 year old is. Having his four year old brother shacking up with him has got to suck, but he's embracing the suck like a champ.

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  • FishmanFishman Long time gone, Constantinople Registered User regular
    We have poop in the potty! Repeat, we have poop in the potty! This is not a drill!

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  • chrishallett83chrishallett83 Hi! Registered User regular
    Fishman wrote: »
    We have poop in the potty! Repeat, we have poop in the potty! This is not a drill!

    Now, to show your youngest that they can also do what Daddy just did!

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  • AldoAldo Hippo Hooray the swamp, always the swampRegistered User regular
    I was wondering whether someone could give some advice or has dealt with something similar. Or just knows of a nice book or somesuch.

    I'm a dad of a 2 year old and my partner is dealing with depression. She'll start therapy next week and I have been warned that it can be very draining and that we shouldn't expect miracles. My partner is currently just very tired and can't take care of our kid for more than a few hours at a time. I work 4 days a week and the kid is going to daycare for 3.5 days per week. We're based in The Netherlands, so thankfully all this is possible without going broke.

    We have family and friends who are willing to babysit or just generally hang out with us and the kid. Most days I can be there for my kid and spend time with them and provide them with learning opportunities, exciting experiences, physical exercise and love and affection, but sometimes I am sick or tired. My partner encourages me to seek out the help of friends/family, but I have a few hang ups. I noticed the kid will feel stressed and overtired being left in the care of different people too often, and I know how busy everyone else is. They can't rush to my aid at a moment's notice, while I can only measure how tired or sick I'll be when I'm actually sick/tired. There's also a few personal blockades in place: I have been disappointed in supposed friends in the past, I don't want to appear as unfit for parenting and I am quite proud of how much time I can spend with my kid and how much they benefit from that.

    I noticed that my partner worries about me and that just adds a bit more pressure on me to reassure her I am fine.

    This isn't at all what I expected parenting to be, it's not something people enjoy talking about and I don't want this to define me and my partner as parents.

    Elendil wrote: »
    said Aldo hazily, before clop-clop-clopping out of the room
  • BrodyBrody The Watch The First ShoreRegistered User regular
    Aldo wrote: »
    I was wondering whether someone could give some advice or has dealt with something similar. Or just knows of a nice book or somesuch.

    I'm a dad of a 2 year old and my partner is dealing with depression. She'll start therapy next week and I have been warned that it can be very draining and that we shouldn't expect miracles. My partner is currently just very tired and can't take care of our kid for more than a few hours at a time. I work 4 days a week and the kid is going to daycare for 3.5 days per week. We're based in The Netherlands, so thankfully all this is possible without going broke.

    We have family and friends who are willing to babysit or just generally hang out with us and the kid. Most days I can be there for my kid and spend time with them and provide them with learning opportunities, exciting experiences, physical exercise and love and affection, but sometimes I am sick or tired. My partner encourages me to seek out the help of friends/family, but I have a few hang ups. I noticed the kid will feel stressed and overtired being left in the care of different people too often, and I know how busy everyone else is. They can't rush to my aid at a moment's notice, while I can only measure how tired or sick I'll be when I'm actually sick/tired. There's also a few personal blockades in place: I have been disappointed in supposed friends in the past, I don't want to appear as unfit for parenting and I am quite proud of how much time I can spend with my kid and how much they benefit from that.

    I noticed that my partner worries about me and that just adds a bit more pressure on me to reassure her I am fine.

    This isn't at all what I expected parenting to be, it's not something people enjoy talking about and I don't want this to define me and my partner as parents.

    I don't really have any answers, but I'd like to agree that this shit is hard. My daughter is just under 2, and I try and let me wife get out of the house from time to time on the weekend so she can have some baby free time, but its just so draining. I have no idea how she handles this on a daily basis. Luckily we have family that lives pretty close that is usually good about watching Sapling when we ask, but it definitely feels like "Sorry, this child is too much, can she psychologically assault you instead for a couple of hours."

    "The shore does not dream of you." - Blind poet Gallan.
    Aldo
  • SharpyVIISharpyVII Registered User regular
    I appreciate he's only three days old now but our son hasn't been sleeping well at night when we put him down in his crib.

    He'll sleep like a log if you hold him.

    We've got a bassinet which he seems to like more as it's a bit more enclosed than the crib.

    So we've brought the bassinet upstairs and he's actually settling!

    We've got an night aid thing that plays white noise, lullabies and the sound of a heart beat to try an emulate the womb. It does seem to help a lot but the sound of a deep thudding heartbeat is rather unsettling ha.

  • BrodyBrody The Watch The First ShoreRegistered User regular
    SharpyVII wrote: »
    I appreciate he's only three days old now but our son hasn't been sleeping well at night when we put him down in his crib.

    He'll sleep like a log if you hold him.

    We've got a bassinet which he seems to like more as it's a bit more enclosed than the crib.

    So we've brought the bassinet upstairs and he's actually settling!

    We've got an night aid thing that plays white noise, lullabies and the sound of a heart beat to try an emulate the womb. It does seem to help a lot but the sound of a deep thudding heartbeat is rather unsettling ha.

    Sapling slept either A) while being held or B) in her rock'n'play for the first year. And even then I don't think we got her to nap in her crib till she was close to 18 months.

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  • KalnaurKalnaur I See Spring Showers . . . Centralia, WARegistered User regular
    My kiddo wouldn't sleep at all without a pacifier (still won't until he's "collapse" level of tired), and he straight up hated the "co-sleeper". The only co-sleeping he was interested in was on or around dad, and I'm still the sleep-inducing parent a full two and a half years later.

    Also, one night we were all tired and he wanted cuddles and I handed the dude this hand puppet triceratops, and said, "here, snuggle with this, it's name is . . . uh . . . Tracy".

    Tracy is required for naps, as well as for bedtime, and commonly he uses it as a de-stress tool as well.

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  • Capt HowdyCapt Howdy Registered User regular
    Aldo wrote: »
    I was wondering whether someone could give some advice or has dealt with something similar. Or just knows of a nice book or somesuch.

    I'm a dad of a 2 year old and my partner is dealing with depression. She'll start therapy next week and I have been warned that it can be very draining and that we shouldn't expect miracles. My partner is currently just very tired and can't take care of our kid for more than a few hours at a time. I work 4 days a week and the kid is going to daycare for 3.5 days per week. We're based in The Netherlands, so thankfully all this is possible without going broke.

    We have family and friends who are willing to babysit or just generally hang out with us and the kid. Most days I can be there for my kid and spend time with them and provide them with learning opportunities, exciting experiences, physical exercise and love and affection, but sometimes I am sick or tired. My partner encourages me to seek out the help of friends/family, but I have a few hang ups. I noticed the kid will feel stressed and overtired being left in the care of different people too often, and I know how busy everyone else is. They can't rush to my aid at a moment's notice, while I can only measure how tired or sick I'll be when I'm actually sick/tired. There's also a few personal blockades in place: I have been disappointed in supposed friends in the past, I don't want to appear as unfit for parenting and I am quite proud of how much time I can spend with my kid and how much they benefit from that.

    I noticed that my partner worries about me and that just adds a bit more pressure on me to reassure her I am fine.

    This isn't at all what I expected parenting to be, it's not something people enjoy talking about and I don't want this to define me and my partner as parents.

    Unfortunately I haven't any useful advice for your current situation. But I can assure that every single parent in this thread has, at least once, thought "this isn't what I expected parenting to be", and we can all understand that particular feeling.

    This thread is a great place to say shit we'd be hesitant to say elsewhere, and if you ever feel like you just need to vent or unload something, please know that is precisely what this thread is for.

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  • FishmanFishman Long time gone, Constantinople Registered User regular
    edited May 26
    Aldo wrote: »
    I was wondering whether someone could give some advice or has dealt with something similar. Or just knows of a nice book or somesuch.

    I'm a dad of a 2 year old and my partner is dealing with depression. She'll start therapy next week and I have been warned that it can be very draining and that we shouldn't expect miracles. My partner is currently just very tired and can't take care of our kid for more than a few hours at a time. I work 4 days a week and the kid is going to daycare for 3.5 days per week. We're based in The Netherlands, so thankfully all this is possible without going broke.

    We have family and friends who are willing to babysit or just generally hang out with us and the kid. Most days I can be there for my kid and spend time with them and provide them with learning opportunities, exciting experiences, physical exercise and love and affection, but sometimes I am sick or tired. My partner encourages me to seek out the help of friends/family, but I have a few hang ups. I noticed the kid will feel stressed and overtired being left in the care of different people too often, and I know how busy everyone else is. They can't rush to my aid at a moment's notice, while I can only measure how tired or sick I'll be when I'm actually sick/tired. There's also a few personal blockades in place: I have been disappointed in supposed friends in the past, I don't want to appear as unfit for parenting and I am quite proud of how much time I can spend with my kid and how much they benefit from that.

    I noticed that my partner worries about me and that just adds a bit more pressure on me to reassure her I am fine.

    This isn't at all what I expected parenting to be, it's not something people enjoy talking about and I don't want this to define me and my partner as parents.

    This sounds familiar to me, as I am also in a situation where my partner has depression with a 6 and 3yo, although we already knew that before we were pregnant, so part of her coping strategy post-partum was simply a small increase of her medication for a few months. But, yeah, I get that burden of responsibilty pressure when you want to be there and it's a struggle.

    I can only really speak to our own strategies and what's worked for us may not apply for you, but like you we make use of daycare on days where I work and also have access to family. For us, we've made regular engagement of both sets of grandparents to the extent where they have a schedule for taking care of the kids.

    Each set of grandparents has a set day to spend with each child a week. So today Javi will get picked up from daycare by my in-laws, and then go to a park or or library or museum or back to their house for a few hours before getting dropped off. My 3 year old has been doing this for a year and loves his grandparent days. And having a regular schedule makes it a familiar comfort, where the kid is both comfortable with their wider family and outing routine.

    This extra time does help a lot. Having the kids happy and eager to visit with family helps make things easier. And it feels like much less of an imposition to say ' hey, I'm sick, can you take him for a few extra hours or switch days this week? ' than cold call only when I need it.

    We also have family and friends with kids the same age and make extensive use of playdates; which friend changes, but again routine and a regular playdate day helped make life a little easier in the long run.

    At two, your kid should hopefully be getting to an age where they can start being less stressed and becoming more familiar and comfortable with the people and faces you expect to be in their life.

    I don't know if my answers will help you situation, but I hope everything goes well for you. If nothing else, you've always got this community here behind you. Best of luck.

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  • lonelyahavalonelyahava Mortius is correct Move to New ZealandRegistered User regular
    I'm the mom with the depression and social anxieties.

    Hubby has basically stepped into the primary caregiver role since the 3 year old was born. I still take care of her, watch her, play with her, etc and we share most responsibilities pretty even. But daddy is the one that she runs to for comfort and routine.

    Mostly, we utilize daycare. My parents are on the other side of the world, and his parents are basically non-existent in her life. And ours for that matter (this is a good thing btw). She's at daycare 5 days a week from 8am-530pm (or earlier if I'm in the office that day). I work 4 days a week and use Friday to do the housework and recharge my social batteries so I can be attentive during the weekend.

    It's not easy, it's not always fair, and we get frustrated with each other on occasion especially when my "you're 3 you can dress yourself" attitude runs into his "we are running out of time in the morning let me dress the child" attitude.

    But it works for us, and the 3 year old really hasn't suffered for it at all. And she's still loving and accepting of both of us and this wicked smart, wildly funny, and mostly independent kid.


    I was never going to be able to be a stay at home mum. I just can't handle that much interaction and pressure. She was always going to be going to daycare full time. I do not have the mindset or the temperament or the mental health to be the center of her universe. But I knew that and we took steps to work around my brain being dumb.


    Good luck, Aldo. Parenting is never what you expect it to be. And we're here for you to scream into the void at when you need us.

    AldoSlacker71
  • mrpakumrpaku Registered User regular
    My parents are on the other side of the world, and his parents are basically non-existent in her life. And ours for that matter (this is a good thing btw).

    Thanks for sharing this bit. In terms of venting, it's kind of maddening for me to read about all these fantastic, loving grandparents, have my wife's parents constantly in touch and taking care of us and our kids, and realizing that my own parents (outside of all my personal issues with them) kind of suck as grandparents, even when we were getting along. Spoilered for angry breathless rant about my co-dependent parents:
    I had to literally beg my Dad to watch the kids every time, which inevitably turned into either having to hear about how much I owed him for all his thankless sacrifices, or in some cases literally owe him, favors or goods. He has to do it from his house- he won't come here. I had hernia surgery during which I wasn't supposed to be lifting, and got my Dad to pick Little Man up from daycare and drop him off to my bedridden ass for one full week before he decided, "well, I like my downtime after work, so you got this now, right?" Sure, old man...I guess I do. And he won't talk to me currently because I won't talk to his wife, which has always been his policy (won't ever be mine!), but just currently translates to "I'm going to use this event to show my wife how loyal I am and will sacrifice my relationship with your family to do so"

    My mom was the other end of the spectrum, and would decide at 530 on a Friday after a glass of wine that it was time for a sleepover! Bring the boys over! Not the middle one who argues though, just sweet Little Man who never says boo to anyone and is super impressionable. Also, I hope you didn't have plans for Saturday, because at a random time I'm going to get sick of this and decide you need to come get him, and get huffy if that isn't *right now*. Also, you owe me for all the countless sacrifices I make for you and your family...now say it . *Great*, by saying that out loud, you've been bound to an unspoken agreement by which the next time I do something grossly inappropriate, you're not allowed to call me out on it! (cue last borderline episode, and her ensuing refusal to be "cornered" into getting therapy)

    I know they love their grandkids, I'm sure they miss them, but there's a big part of me that will occasionally momentarily feel their absence, and then breathe a big sigh of relief. I worry about what that might say about me, as a person and a father

    Thanks guys, think I really needed that

    lonelyahavaMNC DoverFishmanSmrtnikDisruptedCapitalistBrodyAldoJaysonFourChiselphaneSlacker71Devlin_Dragonus
  • SharpyVIISharpyVII Registered User regular
    Looks like I'm in for another sleepless night.

    Nothing seems to work!

  • JansonJanson Registered User regular
    Day 3/4 was when I found my babies had moved on from their newborn sleepiness and just wanted to feed, feed, feed. I think it’s pretty usual as that’s typically when milk first comes in, if one is breastfeeding.

    There are also growth spurts at 2 weeks and 6 weeks when you might also go through little sleep. (And there’s many more after that, of course!)

    sig.jpg
    KalnaurdavidsdurionsElvenshae
  • JansonJanson Registered User regular
    Also speaking of breastfeeding:

    My sister, although her daughter was exclusively breastfed for the first few months, has never been able to pump more than 1 oz. Just like me. It was very interesting to hear that. I do think some people are just unable to pump, like us! We obviously can produce enough milk, we just can’t extract it.

    Of course this hasn’t really been an issue for my sister as maternity leave in the UK lasts 9 months, as it should.

    Uuuugh. Must not get retroactively angry over the lack of maternity leave in the US...

    She’s also had a lack of sleep and has struggled with weight gain (although not to the extend I did, because again, being on maternity leave means she gets more sleep than I did plus she’s able to exercise more as she’s not sitting at a desk for 10 hrs a day), despite the breastfeeding. At least it seems to be a family thing...

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  • BrodyBrody The Watch The First ShoreRegistered User regular
    SharpyVII wrote: »
    Looks like I'm in for another sleepless night.

    Nothing seems to work!

    My wife and I quickly decided to set a schedule. Any time before 1, I was handling the bab, after 1 it was mom's job.

    Also, be prepared to break down and cry in the next couple of days. It's just going to happen, and that's fine.

    "The shore does not dream of you." - Blind poet Gallan.
    DisruptedCapitalistEntriechlonelyahavaAldospono
  • MusicDragonMusicDragon Registered User regular
    Aldo wrote: »
    I was wondering whether someone could give some advice or has dealt with something similar. Or just knows of a nice book or somesuch.

    I'm a dad of a 2 year old and my partner is dealing with depression. She'll start therapy next week and I have been warned that it can be very draining and that we shouldn't expect miracles. My partner is currently just very tired and can't take care of our kid for more than a few hours at a time. I work 4 days a week and the kid is going to daycare for 3.5 days per week. We're based in The Netherlands, so thankfully all this is possible without going broke.

    We have family and friends who are willing to babysit or just generally hang out with us and the kid. Most days I can be there for my kid and spend time with them and provide them with learning opportunities, exciting experiences, physical exercise and love and affection, but sometimes I am sick or tired. My partner encourages me to seek out the help of friends/family, but I have a few hang ups. I noticed the kid will feel stressed and overtired being left in the care of different people too often, and I know how busy everyone else is. They can't rush to my aid at a moment's notice, while I can only measure how tired or sick I'll be when I'm actually sick/tired. There's also a few personal blockades in place: I have been disappointed in supposed friends in the past, I don't want to appear as unfit for parenting and I am quite proud of how much time I can spend with my kid and how much they benefit from that.

    I noticed that my partner worries about me and that just adds a bit more pressure on me to reassure her I am fine.

    This isn't at all what I expected parenting to be, it's not something people enjoy talking about and I don't want this to define me and my partner as parents.

    Hey, so I am the mom with depression as well. I was dealing with it before I had my first and I was so terrified that PPD was going to be a thing for me. Therapy is a godsend. Not only will it help root out any underlying issues (if there are any, there aren't always) but it provides coping mechanisms. I found out that mine was deeply rooted in anxiety. Once I was able to cope with that, the depression eased way back. And sometimes therapy alone won't cut it. Sometimes it takes therapy, meds, and a lifestyle change to get it all under control. Yes, the process is extremely draining and definitely not quick but the more she opens herself to the process, the faster it will go. That is not necessarily as easy as it sounds though.

    Nobody is going to think you are unfit for parenting for asking for help.
    mrpaku wrote: »
    I know they love their grandkids, I'm sure they miss them, but there's a big part of me that will occasionally momentarily feel their absence, and then breathe a big sigh of relief. I worry about what that might say about me, as a person and a father[/spoiler]

    It says that you realize this is not healthy behavior and don't want it inflicted on you and yours.

    KalnaurCapt HowdymrpakulonelyahavaBrodydavidsdurionsJansonElvenshaeSlacker71
  • KalnaurKalnaur I See Spring Showers . . . Centralia, WARegistered User regular
    Nobody is going to think you are unfit for parenting for asking for help.

    I feel like all parents need this drilled into their heads, because the prevailing pop culture knowledge, generally speaking, is presented as "good parents do it all" and by god above is that really dangerous to assume as a baseline. You will need help, or you do need help, and it shouldn't be a shameful thing to think. It's harder when you don't have anyone available, or near, or friends you trust, etc, but you should still not feel bad about finding help when you need it, and it doesn't make you a bad parent to need a break from your kiddo.

    That old "it takes a village" saying, I feel, didn't come around in a vacuum. :wink:

    I make art things! deviantART: Kalnaur ::: Origin: Kalnaur ::: UPlay: Kalnaur
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    Capt HowdymrpakukimelonelyahavaMNC DoverBrodyAldoMusicDragonPeenElvenshaeschussSlacker71Devlin_Dragonuspooka
  • AldoAldo Hippo Hooray the swamp, always the swampRegistered User regular
    Aw shucks, thanks for all the responses, I learned a lot. Especially the advice to plan ahead and come up with a schedule should be useful for the kid. I am also very glad I found this thread, it's great to read I'm not alone.

    We have 1 grandparent who can babysit, the others just aren't capable of providing care, but we can't exactly tell them as such. It was frustrating to find out that these people who raised kids before are just utterly unreliable now. I've spoken to many other young parents who felt the same, who the heck raised us, and how did we turn out OK? And how are we going to be when we become grandparents? I pinkyswear I will become a grandfather who is chill about changing diapers.


    Wrt the "it takes a village" and us being modern parents who left their hometowns and have decided to cut toxic family out of their lives... It is fucking hard to find a new village. Part of my tribe is here on these forums, we have a bunch of friends in the area and we have family allover the place. But it is a far cry from the villages of yesteryear and social control/support those could provide to families. But then again: when you weren't popular in your town, you were fucked as well.

    Elendil wrote: »
    said Aldo hazily, before clop-clop-clopping out of the room
    SolventJansonmrpaku
  • lonelyahavalonelyahava Mortius is correct Move to New ZealandRegistered User regular
    Honestly, I use this as my village.

    No, none of you are going to be able to come watch my kid in an emergency, or bring me a frozen dinner plate, or drag me physically out of my house when I need to leave. But you're here where I need to scream into the void and know that somebody is listening.

    And you're here with "oh i've been through that before!" and all kind of support.

    I've got a network of friends here, all of us have kids around the same age, but we don't live near enough to be true emergency. Half emergency definitely. But there's nobody in my neighborhood so to speak.

    My parents are great and despite being on the other side of the planet, they have spent more time with my kid over her 3 years of life than my inlaws who live a 15 minute drive away have. again, that's mostly by design. They weren't very good parents and we don't want them to screw her up too much.


    Basically, I love y'all.

    SharpyVIIAldoDisruptedCapitalistKalnaurPeenSporkAndrewmrpakuBrodySlacker71Devlin_Dragonus
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    hoo boy am I ever that depressed partner

    I've been having trouble admitting it but I'm starting to think I'm at a point where medication tweaks just aren't going to help anymore. Whatever is going on won't let up for more than an hour and it's killing me and my relationship with my husband. There's enough going on in there that with mental health issues and autoimmune issues and my energy just sapped all the time that it sure would be nice to throw away some trash without feeling like I'm going to choke up and burst into tears because doing the thing I know I need to do is literally impossible. I feed my kids and I love spending time with them and I manage somehow to get my oldest dressed and too and from school, and honestly I'm not even unhappy. I do pretty well most of the time in that I usually don't have any trouble seeming okay, and as long as I don't have anything really important to get done you'd just think it laziness. I don't know how to explain that it's not, that there is just this paralysis that has set in and I don't know why, especially when I can smile and laugh and I'm not just crying all the time.

    I also get some pretty nasty headaches on a fairly regular basis, usually around 3:30pm. Not every day, but many days. I don't know what to tell anybody. I feel like there's no one to ask for help. My husband already does so much. It's hard with the kids but if I spend time with them in a way they enjoy and I can handle (often watching a show they love with them) I feel like maybe I'm doing okay as long as they're fed and healthy and can see that I love them. I have to hope that's true.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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