Ex-spouse : Moral dilemma : Affecting my go-forward relationship

taco-owner

Hi, I'll try and be brief...Got divorced in Jan. 2013 and had to empty my accounts for the divorce and buy the house from my spouse. We parted ways amicably and I ended up with my son as he entered 9th grade. As they say, the first year after a divorce is the hardest, it was very hard for me. I had to re-fi the house in April of 2013 to cover a new septic system and then got hit with a $5,000 real estate tax shortage. Having no family members that would help I was faced with eventually losing the house due to this shortfall. Ironically, my ex-spouse offered to LOAN me $5,000 so I could keep the house...I think she did it mainly so my son could stay in the house thru high-school. After 3 years, I was able to get back on my feet financially and re-paid the $5,000. I've since been seeing someone for almost 2 years now, pretty serious.

Now this week, my ex-spouse has run into some financial issues and is asking for assistance. I offered the ex-spouse the same $5,000 as a LOAN. However, my girlfriend flipped out, has told me I'm simply never going to change, that my ex-spouse will never stop... I argued that this was a "debt of gratitude" given my situation in 2013, but my girlfriend basically ain't listening...

Basically, my current relationship has reached an impasse.

I'm so torn on this issue. My moral compass is telling me I "need" to loan this money. But I'm pretty sure that will end my current relationship...

Any help is greatly appreciated!

Tastyfish

Do you share custody? That seems to be the obvious issue there, as you allude to when you say why you think she offered you the money - not only does it mean your son has a place to stay when he stays with your mother, but you'd be crazy to think that not helping out his mother when she helped you out in similar circumstances is not going to effect your relationship with him. Also, did you pay interest on the loan or was it really a favour?

Have you moved apart, or are you still kind of in each others circles? I've never been in that position before but I could see, especially when you share a child, that your ex is always going to be a part of your new partner's life and how that would lead to feeling a little vulnerable and unsure. That said, she might not realise she's asking you to choose between her and your child. Whilst you and your partner could probably happily never encounter you ex again, your son has his own network that is different from yours.

I'd say, talk to your partner - emphasise that this is as much about setting an example/maintaining your relationship with your son as it is about repaying a debt. At the same time you might need to do something that stresses that your new partner is where you are now, and that this other stuff is all just about stuff that happened in the past. Not saying get married or anything like that (unless the time is right), but something that cements your new relationship as 100% where your attention and focus is now. A trip, adopting the pet you planned to get at some point but never got around to, or something else that you've both talked about but never found it was quite the right moment.

Something to show that you're not sacrificing things from your shared life (the temporary disappearance of $5000 would not be a minimal impact on our household finances - unless you're fortunate enough to just be able to absorb this kind of hit, you're kind of asking her to loan the money to your ex as well) to maintain ties to your old one.

Siska

Is you ex wife inserting herself excessively into your life? If not, I don't see a reason for you not to lend her money if you want to and are able. The usual "be ready to write off loans to family&friends as a gift" rule applies, of course. Unless the relationship with your ex is toxic, it not your goal to completely phase her out of your life since you share a son.

Has your girlfriend been upset about your ex before?

dispatch.o

You have a teenage son with your ex-wife. No matter how divorced you are or how long you've been financially separated, you are a part of one another's lives. You have a shared interest in you child and your current partner is going to have to adjust to that idea. It's also not really up to her who you loan money to so long as it's your money to loan. It's going to be a weird difficult conversation that honestly may just not go very well, but that's her choice to make.

I'd say give the loan, get terms for repayment even if it's without interest and very open ended on any sort of repayment timeline. Make an effort to figure out exactly why it bothers your current girlfriend so much because your description sounds like insecurity.

ceres

Would this loan be a big financial burden on you?

CelestialBadger

If you can afford it, this would be a good way of repaying her generosity when you were the one in trouble. It sounds like she’s not continually asking for money - this is the first request in several years.

But you need to talk to your girlfriend about it in an honest and open way, hearing each other’s feelings rather than focusing on the facts of the matter. If it ends your current relationship even after that, it probably wasn’t a great match.

Enc

Also, is this $5000 your money solely or in a joint account with the girlfriend?

zepherin

If it is your money (IE not a joint amount) you loaning the money to your ex wife would balance the scales in terms of who owes someone what (IE you've returned the favor and are "even"). If it is joint money then that is a little fuzzy.

Also I generally advise not having joint finances with a girlfriend/boyfriend. States with common law marriages that may make you hitched. And even if that's not the case if they dump you and take all your money, you are kinda screwed.

amateurhour

Your ex-wife bailed you out, and now she's asking for the same.

Unless your girlfriend and you share a bank account, you should definitely help your ex-wife.

If you do share an account and your girlfriend still doesn't agree, then you should probably take it to a counselor.

Pacificstar

I don't really see your ex-wife as bailing you out so much as forcing you into financial hardship in the first place. If it were MY kid, living in his childhood home, I certainly wouldn't make the custodial parent go into debt to buy me out of the house.

Did your ex-wife really do you a solid or did she just extract everything she could from you, and feel bad about incidentally putting your son in a tough spot?

knitdan

The OP didn’t go into debt to buy out the house. The debt came from an unanticipated emergency later on. Divorce is about splitting up joint assets, it’s not one party “extracting everyone they could” from the other person.

Jesus Christ dude.

Pacificstar

I guess I misread it, but my opinion was formed when he said:

Got divorced in Jan. 2013 and had to empty my accounts for the divorce and buy the house from my spouse.

Many ways to buy a house that don't necessarily involve "empty my accounts". It looks like we read it differently.

Kruite

If the 5,000 is your money I don't see how your use of it is of any business of your new gf.

daveNYC

taco-owner wrote: »

Hi, I'll try and be brief...Got divorced in Jan. 2013 and had to empty my accounts for the divorce and buy the house from my spouse. We parted ways amicably and I ended up with my son as he entered 9th grade. As they say, the first year after a divorce is the hardest, it was very hard for me. I had to re-fi the house in April of 2013 to cover a new septic system and then got hit with a $5,000 real estate tax shortage. Having no family members that would help I was faced with eventually losing the house due to this shortfall. Ironically, my ex-spouse offered to LOAN me $5,000 so I could keep the house...I think she did it mainly so my son could stay in the house thru high-school. After 3 years, I was able to get back on my feet financially and re-paid the $5,000. I've since been seeing someone for almost 2 years now, pretty serious.

Now this week, my ex-spouse has run into some financial issues and is asking for assistance. I offered the ex-spouse the same $5,000 as a LOAN. However, my girlfriend flipped out, has told me I'm simply never going to change, that my ex-spouse will never stop... I argued that this was a "debt of gratitude" given my situation in 2013, but my girlfriend basically ain't listening...

Basically, my current relationship has reached an impasse.

I'm so torn on this issue. My moral compass is telling me I "need" to loan this money. But I'm pretty sure that will end my current relationship...

Any help is greatly appreciated!

The bolded statements from your GF don't seem to be specifically related to loaning you ex the money. Maybe it's phrasing, but there might be underlying issues going on here.

PDP11

I'd support your girlfriend's opposition to the loan. Years after I went through a divorce my ex asked for assistance. Although she knew I'd been living with my current partner for years, her next move was an attempt to restart the relationship she had terminated. Her initial request for assistance looked genuine.

Serpent

I don't think you have any type of obligation to your ex-spouse either way. I think it would be kind, generous, and reciprocal of you to offer the same type of loan, and I personally probably would, but wouldn't feel obligated to.

The bigger issue is your current GF's reaction. Seems pretty over the top unless you two share bank accounts. Really feels like there's some bigger issues here.