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  • Erin The RedErin The Red The Name's Erin! Woman, Podcaster, Dungeon Master, IT nerd, Parent, Trans. AMA Baton Rouge, LARegistered User regular
    Mom was in town and was all "hey let's do lunch"
    So I said ok and we got some food. It was really good!
    Then mom misgendered me like...several times rapid fire. And she drove, so I didn't want to raise a whole stink but just. Fuck. We've had this fight. I'm tired.

    I'm so tired of having to argue with people to have them see me as me, or accept that I am what I say

    Help a trans woman (me) afford GRS!
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  • EntaruEntaru Goddess with a blade Registered User regular
    edited February 18
    Entaru wrote: »
    My family is being nice but. . .

    They need to please stop telling me to be patient with HR . Week three and they cannot even commit any kind of date structure back to me. I guess we can't make people understand but this isn't something I just want to do. This is something I need to do and not doing it is becoming increasingly painful.

    Also my arm hair was an incredible source of dysphoria so I shaved it off. No one has noticed my hands and I am just wearing long sleeves for now.

    They take too long and my name will be changed, I'll be on hormones and have my hair styled before they bother to come up with any plan.

    I'm really sorry that HR is taking so long. I know that's got to be frustrating as hell. Do you need their sign off before you can change anything? Or can you tell them to shove it?

    I feel like if I don't do this by HR then I'd have far less support going forward but at some point that becomes objectively not true as they prove they are not going to be a support now.

    Not sure where that line is.

    Entaru on
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  • Erin The RedErin The Red The Name's Erin! Woman, Podcaster, Dungeon Master, IT nerd, Parent, Trans. AMA Baton Rouge, LARegistered User regular
    Entaru wrote: »
    Entaru wrote: »
    My family is being nice but. . .

    They need to please stop telling me to be patient with HR . Week three and they cannot even commit any kind of date structure back to me. I guess we can't make people understand but this isn't something I just want to do. This is something I need to do and not doing it is becoming increasingly painful.

    Also my arm hair was an incredible source of dysphoria so I shaved it off. No one has noticed my hands and I am just wearing long sleeves for now.

    They take too long and my name will be changed, I'll be on hormones and have my hair styled before they bother to come up with any plan.

    I'm really sorry that HR is taking so long. I know that's got to be frustrating as hell. Do you need their sign off before you can change anything? Or can you tell them to shove it?

    I feel like if I don't do this by HR then I'd have far less support going forward but at some point that becomes objectively not true as they prove they are not going to be a support now.

    Not sure where that line is.

    Yeah that's gonna be a tough line to figure out, sadly. One would hope their support isn't contingent on you walking their specific tightrope, but they're mostly there to cover the company's ass.

    Big hugs and wishes for them un-assing their heads

    Help a trans woman (me) afford GRS!
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  • credeikicredeiki Registered User regular
    Mom was in town and was all "hey let's do lunch"
    So I said ok and we got some food. It was really good!
    Then mom misgendered me like...several times rapid fire. And she drove, so I didn't want to raise a whole stink but just. Fuck. We've had this fight. I'm tired.

    I'm so tired of having to argue with people to have them see me as me, or accept that I am what I say

    The only leverage you have over your parents is their access to you (and to their grandchildren!)

    What happens when you tell her ‘hey mom,I need you to get my pronouns right, and today you didn’t’—does she deny that she messed it up, or does she acknowledge and say she’ll do better, or what?

    Depending on the answer, you may consider starting to restrict her access to you contingent on her good behavior.

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  • Erin The RedErin The Red The Name's Erin! Woman, Podcaster, Dungeon Master, IT nerd, Parent, Trans. AMA Baton Rouge, LARegistered User regular
    credeiki wrote: »
    Mom was in town and was all "hey let's do lunch"
    So I said ok and we got some food. It was really good!
    Then mom misgendered me like...several times rapid fire. And she drove, so I didn't want to raise a whole stink but just. Fuck. We've had this fight. I'm tired.

    I'm so tired of having to argue with people to have them see me as me, or accept that I am what I say

    The only leverage you have over your parents is their access to you (and to their grandchildren!)

    What happens when you tell her ‘hey mom,I need you to get my pronouns right, and today you didn’t’—does she deny that she messed it up, or does she acknowledge and say she’ll do better, or what?

    Depending on the answer, you may consider starting to restrict her access to you contingent on her good behavior.

    She turns it into "I'm trying! You have to bear with me, it takes time to change things in your head."

    When we had our blow up at Christmas I walked away from the table and she and dad BOTH deadnamed me. I feel like she's mostly coasting and hoping I just deal with it

    Help a trans woman (me) afford GRS!
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  • DoobhDoobh She/Her, Ace Pan/Bisexual 8-) What's up, bootlickers?Registered User regular
    there's accidents (which still suck)

    and then there's simply not trying hard enough

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  • OmnipotentBagelOmnipotentBagel Shell, Teeth, Eyes, Flame, Claws, Breath, Scales, FUN!Registered User regular
    credeiki wrote: »
    Mom was in town and was all "hey let's do lunch"
    So I said ok and we got some food. It was really good!
    Then mom misgendered me like...several times rapid fire. And she drove, so I didn't want to raise a whole stink but just. Fuck. We've had this fight. I'm tired.

    I'm so tired of having to argue with people to have them see me as me, or accept that I am what I say

    The only leverage you have over your parents is their access to you (and to their grandchildren!)

    What happens when you tell her ‘hey mom,I need you to get my pronouns right, and today you didn’t’—does she deny that she messed it up, or does she acknowledge and say she’ll do better, or what?

    Depending on the answer, you may consider starting to restrict her access to you contingent on her good behavior.

    She turns it into "I'm trying! You have to bear with me, it takes time to change things in your head."

    When we had our blow up at Christmas I walked away from the table and she and dad BOTH deadnamed me. I feel like she's mostly coasting and hoping I just deal with it

    My parents seem to think noticeably and half-assedly just avoiding naming or gendering me whenever possible is a fair compromise or something, so I can relate to that feeling that they're just kind of counting on you to look the other way as they refuse to actually put in the work to respect you.

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  • The SauceThe Sauce Fleur de Alys Registered User regular
    Went to the endo today. She said to NOT use the at-home laser / IPL stuff before HRT reduces density as it could scar my skin. Good to know.

    And then she doubled my doses! So hopefully that lightening will now start actually happening!

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  • DoobhDoobh She/Her, Ace Pan/Bisexual 8-) What's up, bootlickers?Registered User regular
    edited February 19
    my official reason for cutting off my parents is their inability to get my name and gender right

    at least they could admit that they didn't want to hop over the painfully low bar I set for them

    Doobh on
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  • TubeTube Administrator, ClubPA admin
    Doobh wrote: »
    my official reason for cutting off my parents is their inability to get my name and gender right

    at least they could admit that they didn't want to hop over the painfully low bar I set for them

    they had what like ten years to work on it

    Hobnail wrote: »
    This forum has taken everything from me
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  • DoobhDoobh She/Her, Ace Pan/Bisexual 8-) What's up, bootlickers?Registered User regular
    about seven, actually! which was still way too much time to give them!

    probably one of my bigger regrets of the past few years was not drawing that line sooner

    buuuuuuuut I'm also sorta terrified of my parents, reflexively, because of some longterm childhood traumas

    at least now I can make some damn headway with therapy in regards to my CPTSD

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  • TubeTube Administrator, ClubPA admin
    I don't think that's your bad at all tbh. Shame on them for not getting their act together, but I'm sure everyone can understand your position re: giving them that much time.

    Hobnail wrote: »
    This forum has taken everything from me
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  • Blameless ClericBlameless Cleric An angel made of sapphires each more flawlessly cut than the last Registered User regular
    edited February 19
    Hmm so, Oat, the girl I was dating alongside Pinecone, kind of just couldn't get her shit together re: whether or not she wanted to really be serious about stuff, broke everything off and then recanted once, as I started to get to know her a bunch of stuff came up related to trauma she has that I totally get but also causes behavior that super does not jive with trauma I have and was starting to cause a lot of friction, my issues with communication are the opposite of hers (she often says one thing and means the opposite and gets mad if people don't take her "hints", I wouldn't know a hint if it hit me in the back of the head and have a desperately hard time with the baseline normal level of obfuscation in social situations already without that on top heh)

    and then she dumped me/us again and then tried to take it back AGAIN this weekend and I just said, no thanks lol as far as I'm concerned.. I may deal with that once but not twice.

    I'm kind of bummed but also feel like she never really let things feel settled for long enough for me to feel like super heartbroken or whatever. We are co-workers but I am fairly certain we'll be fine, as people who both put a lot of emphasis on professional etiquette.

    Mostly I think I'm kind of mad? I think a lot of the way she acted was related to internalized homophobia/misogyny/biphobia and I guess my previous history of dating people who aren't cis men has been with people who are more self aware about those things and had more experience, so I hadn't had to deal with that as much, though I've heard that it's a common issue.. I guess I came out feeling like I was kind of an experiment, with lots of conversations basically being like,

    Her: "I really want this relationship to have real long term potential, this isn't experimental it's really important to me"

    Me: "great, me too!"

    Her: "Also we've been dating for a few months but can we please not tell my [universally queer and lovely] housemates, and I don't really want to call each other girlfriends or anything like that, also what do you mean you two are maybe moving into a studio are you signing a lease???! How can I take this seriously if you don't think we could move in together"

    Me: *intense feeling of whiplash*

    Blameless Cleric on
    Orphane wrote: »

    one flower ring to rule them all and in the sunlightness bind them

    I'd love it if you took a look at my art and my PATREON!
    wandering
  • OmnipotentBagelOmnipotentBagel Shell, Teeth, Eyes, Flame, Claws, Breath, Scales, FUN!Registered User regular
    Hmm, yeah that sounds, ah, not super healthy.

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  • 3clipse3clipse I will build a labyrinth to house the cheese Registered User regular
    edited February 19
    I've had to break up with people because they did the thing of expecting me to pick up on hints and communicated largely through subtext, which I just can't do as a relationship communication strategy. I empathize with your frustration there.

    3clipse on
    YaYa wrote: »
    FUCK YEAH LET'S FIGHT THE MOON
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  • Blameless ClericBlameless Cleric An angel made of sapphires each more flawlessly cut than the last Registered User regular
    This has also made me think about just how like, I have so so so so so so much Trouble in social situations where people do not clearly and succinctly express and explain their feelings. I am very straightforward and I am good at talking about my feelings and communicating very directly, I think this is a good thing but I often feel like a weird robot or something because people do not seem to function that way in general. Pinecone has a very unusual mode of conversation/general thought path, but I find them lovely and compelling so I have learned how to understand it as I would some kind of beautiful moon language, and they have made similar effort with me. Unfortunately one can't expect everyone to do that and I don't have the energy to do that for too many people, and while people seem to fall into broad categories there's enough individual variance that I think it's a real part of why I have such a hard time having more than a few friends, which is starting to be a problem as more people leave the town we went to college in (but I love it here and I don't want to leave!!!).

    Orphane wrote: »

    one flower ring to rule them all and in the sunlightness bind them

    I'd love it if you took a look at my art and my PATREON!
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  • credeikicredeiki Registered User regular
    This has also made me think about just how like, I have so so so so so so much Trouble in social situations where people do not clearly and succinctly express and explain their feelings. I am very straightforward and I am good at talking about my feelings and communicating very directly, I think this is a good thing but I often feel like a weird robot or something because people do not seem to function that way in general. Pinecone has a very unusual mode of conversation/general thought path, but I find them lovely and compelling so I have learned how to understand it as I would some kind of beautiful moon language, and they have made similar effort with me. Unfortunately one can't expect everyone to do that and I don't have the energy to do that for too many people, and while people seem to fall into broad categories there's enough individual variance that I think it's a real part of why I have such a hard time having more than a few friends, which is starting to be a problem as more people leave the town we went to college in (but I love it here and I don't want to leave!!!).

    Yes, I am extremely direct and open and I similarly struggle when people are not. With my husband I have to explicitly ask him 'tell me how you are feeling, because otherwise I can't tell!' and we have never really resolved that and I have always had to pry it out of him. It's extremely frustrating. I know that I don't always 100% understand my feelings, meaning that sometimes I inadvertently misrepresent them, but at least I try to be really open and communicative and to lay out how I feel and why.

    You will be able to find more emotionally open and introspective friends! If I can do it, you definitely can.

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  • ToxTox I kill threads Punch DimensionRegistered User regular
    (she often says one thing and means the opposite and gets mad if people don't take her "hints"

    Hello yes hi I dated a person like this and I was absolutely miserable and the idea was for it to be an open relationship with lots of communication and it ended up being them basically being like "oh yeah I slept with so-and-so a few nights ago"

    good on you for drawing a line and standing up for yourself. Definitely the right move in the long run.

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  • Blameless ClericBlameless Cleric An angel made of sapphires each more flawlessly cut than the last Registered User regular
    edited February 19
    Hahahaha Cred when I saw your agree I grinned

    Thanks guys that's very encouraging ^^

    She's sending me messages about how now this is apparently my fault and somehow it's now that I'm breaking up with her so! I will chalk this up as an interesting thing that was definitely not going anywhere nice!

    Blameless Cleric on
    Orphane wrote: »

    one flower ring to rule them all and in the sunlightness bind them

    I'd love it if you took a look at my art and my PATREON!
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  • credeikicredeiki Registered User regular
    We added a 5th person to my office’s trans cabal! I took the group out to lunch today on the company dime—if you are a senior consultant and go out with consultants, you can as far as I can tell call it ‘mentorship’ and expense it—and the new girl is fun to talk to. She is part of the not quite out at work set, so I’m glad we’re here for community while she figures out a plan.

    Also she’s a developer, so I took an educated guess and at the end I was like btw, this group is all super nerds so if you need to discuss vital issues of board games or roleplaying games or videogames, we got u, and she was like oh! I just started in a new D&D game and I was like yesssss hahaha I knew it

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  • credeikicredeiki Registered User regular
    But also could this office hire a trans guy so it’s not just me ;_;

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  • Erin The RedErin The Red The Name's Erin! Woman, Podcaster, Dungeon Master, IT nerd, Parent, Trans. AMA Baton Rouge, LARegistered User regular
    So we just got an email from the diversity and inclusion team that 2 of our 3 upcoming events were being cancelled.

    They approved a bullying awareness one but blocked aromantic awareness and the international trans day of visibility. Bullying one cost a few hundred bucks. The other two are free. So it's not for money reasons they're cancelling.

    The email says "I recommend that the group focus on more global topics such that promote overall tolerance, acceptance and respect for employees.". Which. What? What!

    This group is here to promote those things of LGBT+ people. There are several different groups in the company covering several different topics. I'm pissed off because they canned my TDoR event last year.

    I fired off an email to our president (I'm the VP of the group and wanted to follow chain of command or whatever) but yeah.


    Erg= employee resource group, in the email below
    'I’m really curious as to what “on more global topics such that promote overall tolerance, acceptance and respect for employees” are? There’s a parents group. There’s an black employees ERG. There’s a veterans ERG. There’s a women’s ERG. There’s a young professionals ERG. What is it that WE are here to do? We are the LGBT+ ERG

    Are we not allowed to talk about LGBT+ topics? Bullying was approved, but ones more directly related to marginalized communities isn’t.

    I’m not feeling a lot of tolerance, empathy, or respect pointed at us at the moment.'

    I'm so fucking tired, y'all. This isn't even a token effort. This is keeping the gays in a club so that the company can pat itself on the back. That's it and it's bullshit

    Help a trans woman (me) afford GRS!
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  • credeikicredeiki Registered User regular
    Yes, I’ve heard language like this before too—to focus on issues that impact all employees. It is, of course, completely unacceptable for the team to tell you that, but I’m not sure how you can go about fighting that (useless, erasing, actively harmful) attitude.
    My firm tried to switch over to a one size fits all Diversity and Inclusion proposition, but the individual Business Resource Groups, including the lgbt one, are really strong and are absolutely not going anywhere.

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  • BrodyBrody The Watch The First ShoreRegistered User regular
    I want to awesome the sternly worded email, but the rest of that post is a shitty situation.

    "The shore does not dream of you." - Blind poet Gallan.
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  • Erin The RedErin The Red The Name's Erin! Woman, Podcaster, Dungeon Master, IT nerd, Parent, Trans. AMA Baton Rouge, LARegistered User regular
    Like. I proposed trans day of remembrance. A banner with names, with an LED candle under it. Simple and cheap.

    Denied.

    Trans awareness month event. Just some intranet articles with terminology and stuff.

    Denied.

    It's always "oh we will get the next one" and I'm fucking THROUGH being used as a goddamn bargaining chip here so that the group can sacrifice something to get the event they really want. I'm the only trans person here, as far as I know. I'm a minority within a minority. I just want to feel seen. Once? For a little while?

    If you don't promote awareness and tolerance and acceptance of trans people, you're helping to add more names to the remembrance list. It's as fucking simple as that. Either help us be accepted, or acknowledge that you're helping people not give a shit when we die.

    I've had to take a few walks today to keep from walking down to HR and just... Screaming at people until I was too busy crying to scream anymore.

    Help a trans woman (me) afford GRS!
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  • MuddBuddMuddBudd Registered User regular
    I feel like I end up saying this a lot, but that sounds like bullshit and I am sorry you have to deal with it.

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  • MuddBuddMuddBudd Registered User regular
    If you don't promote awareness and tolerance and acceptance of trans people, you're helping to add more names to the remembrance list. It's as fucking simple as that. Either help us be accepted, or acknowledge that you're helping people not give a shit when we die.

    I've had to take a few walks today to keep from walking down to HR and just... Screaming at people until I was too busy crying to scream anymore.

    I am not sure I would be able to resist. They sound like they need a reminder of why 'Silence = Death' is a slogan.

    Because they are being pretty silent.

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  • ShadowenShadowen Snores in the morning Registered User regular
    edited February 19
    Hey, so you remember the hbomberguy stream and the money raised for trans kids for the Mermaids charity because a certain has-been comedy writer turned out to be a raging transphobe and astroturfed a campaign to get their national lottery funding put on hold for review?

    Here's hoping for a return of that morning-after-the-stream feeling, because Mermaids has been reviewed and the UK government's still going to give them the money.



    So on top of the $340k the stream raised they're getting their £500k grant plus there was a huge outpouring of support for and some platforming of trans people. Doing a quick and dirty conversion that should be a bit over £760k for trans kids over the next five years.

    Shadowen on
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  • jaziekjaziek Registered User regular
    I'll celebrate by playing donkey kong tonight

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  • OmnipotentBagelOmnipotentBagel Shell, Teeth, Eyes, Flame, Claws, Breath, Scales, FUN!Registered User regular
    Shadowen wrote: »
    Hey, so you remember the hbomberguy stream and the money raised for trans kids for the Mermaids charity because a certain has-been comedy writer turned out to be a raging transphobe and astroturfed a campaign to get their national lottery funding put on hold for review?

    Here's hoping for a return of that morning-after-the-stream feeling, because Mermaids has been reviewed and the UK government's still going to give them the money.



    So on top of the $340k the stream raised they're getting their £500k grant plus there was a huge outpouring of support for platforming of trans people. Doing a quick and dirty conversion that should be a bit over £760k for trans kids over the next five years.

    I also think it's pretty significant and important that TERFs managed to get enough attention with their antics to cause the National Lottery to review their decision and the result was to affirm support. That feels like a significant win--it's an open rejection of their arguments, such that they are.

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  • jaziekjaziek Registered User regular
    Fully expecting to see some pretty shitty headlines in the papers over the next few days about this though. they won't take it well.

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  • chrishallett83chrishallett83 Hi! Registered User regular
    jaziek wrote: »
    Fully expecting to see some pretty shitty headlines in the papers over the next few days about this though. they won't take it well.

    The Daily Mail will put their nuanced and thoughtful spin on it, I suspect...

  • CambiataCambiata Commander Shepard The likes of which even GAWD has never seenRegistered User regular
    Why is the UK press so anti-trans? Even the normally terrible American press isn't as bad as they are. I'm confused as to why they seem so much in accord with being awful.

  • jaziekjaziek Registered User regular
    edited February 19
    Cambiata wrote: »
    Why is the UK press so anti-trans? Even the normally terrible American press isn't as bad as they are. I'm confused as to why they seem so much in accord with being awful.

    take it for what it's worth, I'm not sure I 100% agree with it all, but here's a take on that: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/07/opinion/terf-trans-women-britain.html

    jaziek on
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  • Blameless ClericBlameless Cleric An angel made of sapphires each more flawlessly cut than the last Registered User regular
    edited February 19




    !! Pls enjoy this good gay art I made by the way

    Concepts for my someday queer fantasy revenge webcomic idea

    Blameless Cleric on
    Orphane wrote: »

    one flower ring to rule them all and in the sunlightness bind them

    I'd love it if you took a look at my art and my PATREON!
    Erin The Red3clipsechrishallett83CambiataElldrenForceVoidmysticjuicerBrodynever dieDouglasDangerGrogPoketpixiecredeikiJaysonFourFencingsax21stCenturyJansonButlerWassermelonemori1972Andy JoeAnialosUsagiVeldrin
  • MsAnthropyMsAnthropy Our Lady of Perpetual Mazes The CageRegistered User regular
    Cambiata wrote: »
    Why is the UK press so anti-trans? Even the normally terrible American press isn't as bad as they are. I'm confused as to why they seem so much in accord with being awful.

    Not necessarily the press, but the whole TERF thing is huge in the UK. My limited understanding is that feminism in the UK never had to grapple with the intersectionality that their counterparts in the US did or the legacy of being an occupied/colonial state like Ireland, which left them very white middle/upper class focused. There’s a heavy overlap between TERF-y groups, conservative dominionist groups, and white supremecists. I would imagine that that along with the general tabloid-y-ness of the UK press plays a big part. But I am absolutely not an expert in any of this, so I would defer to those who actually live there and social scientists who study this kind of thing.

    "The only real politics I knew was that if a guy liked Hitler, I’d beat the stuffing out of him and that would be it." -- Jack Kirby
    jaziekElldren
  • DoobhDoobh She/Her, Ace Pan/Bisexual 8-) What's up, bootlickers?Registered User regular
    I've understood the prominence of UK TERFs as primarily a small number of people pretending to be a much larger group

    you know, multiple sockpuppet social media accounts and e-mails, combined with an influence over key media avenues

    just a small and incredibly shitty group of people, determined to be as utterly hateful and pathetic as possible

    Miss me? Find me on:

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  • Blameless ClericBlameless Cleric An angel made of sapphires each more flawlessly cut than the last Registered User regular
    edited February 19
    Also hey @Erin The Red I’m sorry you’re having a hard time at work!! Pls accept this art gift, hope it cheers you some, you’re really lovely and cool and a total badass and it was awesome to meet you at PAX


    3q2ingvob4b9.jpeg

    Blameless Cleric on
    Orphane wrote: »

    one flower ring to rule them all and in the sunlightness bind them

    I'd love it if you took a look at my art and my PATREON!
    jaziekBrodyErin The RedShadowenOmnipotentBagelForceVoidkimeEntaruDouglasDangernever dieElldrenStasisNecopimentovisiblehowlThe Hanged ManmysticjuicerDarkPrimusCambiataPoketpixieJedocThe SaucecredeikiMcFodderAllyxiatzeentchlingJaysonFourMorivethFencingsaxagoaj21stCenturyJansonButlerSporkAndrewWassermelonemori1972Andy JoeI ZimbraSkwigelfAnialosApocalyptuschrishallett83ToxlonelyahavaVeldrinInfidelNightDragonBhow
  • Blameless ClericBlameless Cleric An angel made of sapphires each more flawlessly cut than the last Registered User regular
    edited February 19
    Oops spoilered for big image

    Blameless Cleric on
    Orphane wrote: »

    one flower ring to rule them all and in the sunlightness bind them

    I'd love it if you took a look at my art and my PATREON!
    McFodder
  • DarkPrimusDarkPrimus Registered User regular
    There are enough TERFs in the media there in the UK that they can make it seem like they are a group of some prominence.

    wpyz0Y5.png
    Gamertag: PrimusD | Rock Band DLC | GW:OttW - arrcd | WLD - Thortar
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