There's a pumpkin at the bottom of the forum pages now, which means it is time and past time for the annual Extremely Spoopy, Extremely Not Diligently Updated Halloween thread!
Here's the deal kids: once in the distant past, I somehow had unimaginable quantities of free time, which I used to churn out a daily post about things near and dear to my heart - the macabre, ghostly, morbid, ghoulish, ominous, or otherwise horrific - each day for the month of October. These days I don't have free time every day to assemble that sort of in-depth Halloween-centered text, but I will do the best I can, and you all can pick up the slack by telling us what costumes you're putting together and so forth.
The real tragedy of my modern non-American Halloween is the lack of pillowcases full of candy, but as I know this is not a universal part of the past, I have taken the liberty of assembling reviews of candies found in pillowcases of yore. My metric includes the three things that matter most to children - do they look delicious? Will you need to go to the dentist before Christmas because of eating them? Are they actually any good? (This third measurement is for older children only.)Circus Peanuts
Desirability Based on Appearance: As desirable as packing peanuts, so, low to nonexistent
Filling Ripping Capability: None but will give you cavities
Taste: Like someone dipped mothballs in oranges several years ago and only remembered to dig them out and eat them todayFrooties
Desirability Based on Appearance: Medium; brightly colored, so that's cool, but a bit drab in the packaging. The clearly fake colors add desirability because they assure you no real fruit has been proximal to these candies.
Filling Ripping Capability: Medium. Not as sticky as one might think.
Taste: Meh, pretty decent. You can tell they weren't bad because I ate them even though I thought they were called FOOTIES until literally just today.Candy Buttons
Desirability Based on Appearance: High. Bright artificial colors all on giant sheets of paper.
Filling Ripping Capability: None, you're safe here.
Taste: Literally just colored sugar as far as I can tell, but the informed kid knows that sometimes you end up spitting out paper. So B+ very good but not perfect.Candy Corn, Candy Pumpkins
Desirability Based on Appearance: High. Even higher because they are a seasonal candy; seeing these tells you that it's Halloween, and Halloween fucking rules.
Filling Ripping Capability: Low to medium. Might take care of that loose tooth, thereby netting you some bonus Halloween tooth fairy money.
Taste: Really good, like Halloween and happiness. So sweet your teeth hurt. Be advised that consuming more than a dozen of these will definitely make you want to puke.Wax Lips
Desirability Based on Appearance: Confusing - they are large, which is appealing, but also they don't look edible. Let's go with low.
Filling Ripping Capability: Surprisingly high.
Taste: Garbage. Not convinced these are actually meant to be eaten. Like someone mixed your mom's cherry chapstick with decorative candles. Probably only consumed more than once by children truly dedicated to not sharing or giving away anything from their loot.Wax Soda Bottles
Desirability Based on Appearance: Ehh. Low. Not as colorful or large as wax lips, but the novelty of a visible liquid center is something.
Filling Ripping Capability: Low. Unlike wax lips, there's no real incentive to eat the bottle.
Taste: Gross af. Just steal a soda when your parents aren't watching. It's not like it could possibly make your sugar rush worse than it already is from the candy you've eaten while sorting.Sugar Daddies
Desirability Based on Appearance: Low to medium. Old fashioned wrapper but on a stick. Chewing on the small wads of the shreddy paper from the sticks is almost like having two candies in one.
Filling Ripping Capability: INCREDIBLY high. Your jaw will stick together if you try to chew on these. The smart consumer sucks on them like a lolly until the last minute.
Taste: Decent. Basically low-rent caramel.Nerds
Desirability Based on Appearance: High. Bright boxes with weird animals on them. Rattly = exciting. Candy itself also brightly colored. Sometimes you get a clump of nerds stuck together and that's cool.
Filling Ripping Capability: Low.
Taste: GREAT, like sour artificial fruit at the back of the palate, followed by sugar, sugar and sugar.Nerds Rope
Desirability Based on Appearance: High. Nerd ropes are like twice the size of normal sweets, are extremely brightly colored and can be used to hit your siblings
Filling Ripping Capability: Medium to low. The twizzler-ish bit in the center can be sticky-ish but generally you'll be fine. Not as glue-like as Red Vines.
Taste: Amazing. Mark out the house where they handed these out. Definitely go back next year.Peanut M&Ms
Desirability Based on Appearance: High! Instantly recognizable as superior candy. Despite the fact that the Halloween packet sizes always hold like... four M&M's and one of them doesn't have any peanut in it somehow.
Filling Ripping Capability: Zero.
Taste: They're peanut M&M's.Full-Size Snickers
Desirability Based on Appearance: Well there's that scene in Caddyshack with the Snickers poo in the pool but little kids shouldn't be watching Caddyshack anyway. And they're FULL SIZE. So, high.
Filling Ripping Capability: Nah, you're good here.
Taste: Awesome. I am a Milky Way purist myself but any house giving away full-size Snickers, Milky Ways or Three Musketeers should be noted carefully on a map of the neighborhood, with the location only shared with your closest friends.Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
Desirability Based on Appearance: They don't look like much but the packaging is instantly recognizable, and even the "mini" cups are a very respectable size. Medium.
Filling Ripping Capability: None. Can break teeth if eaten from the freezer. Also, don't hide your candy in the freezer. Your parents will definitely find it and throw it out once they think you've forgotten.
Taste: Friggin' amazing. Don't ever trade these, no matter how many Skittles packets are on offer in exchange. If you MUST trade a peanut butter cup, carefully ensure by gentle handling that you are trading off the ones that accidentally got smashed to shit when you were whacking your pillowcase against the ground/fences/neighbor kids.Candy Cigarettes
Desirability Based on Appearance: HIGHLY DESIRABLE if you're a little budding punk rock kid who's already eyeballing your Aunt Peg's lighter, cigarettes and ashtray. Highly desirable to any except the MOST goody two-shoes kid, really; the inventors of these were geniuses. Especially the kind with the red-painted tip that you can kinda puff to make powdered sugar smoke explode out.
Filling Ripping Capability: None. Also have a bonus trait, where you can suck them down into a fine, sibling-stabbing point if you're careful.
Taste: Like sweet chalk. Probably the reason I think chalk looks a bit appetizing, honestly.