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abuse issues?
RubberAC
Sidney BC!Registered User regular
Sidney BC!Registered User regular
I was just talking to my girlfriend today, and she was really upset. I asked her what was wrong, and apparently her father has been abusing her for a few years. Nothing sexual, mind you, just hitting her and her brother when he gets mad. Before she had thought this was normal, but she had a presentation on abusive relationships today and now she's really scared. I am too, i'm terrified actually. her dad is a pretty cool guy, just seems like he gets angry sometimes. I figure now that i'm in her life it's not happening really, since either i'm at her house or shes at mine, so she says it hasn't happened for a few months. I'm still pretty shocked by this though
so
anyway
is there really anything i can do?
i told her to talk to her mom and but she probably wont
so
anyway
is there really anything i can do?
i told her to talk to her mom and but she probably wont
RubberAC on
0
Posts
How old are your girlfriend and her brother?
Also, I've no experience with the system, that's just a gut reaction.
brother's 14
i don't really think it'll be going on much anymore,
we hang out pretty much every day, so i'm either there all day or she's not home all day
And her brother, doesn't really matter if he's getting smacked around at all.
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and he's hardly home anyways
her brother, that be
someone says CPS,
then you say the abuse probably wont happen much anymore.
Calling CPS is really good advice here, and you know it, or you probably wouldnt have made the thread.
Call them.
i guess that pretty much is the best idea
ill talk to her about it in the morning too
but for now i need my beauty sleep
Sorry, I'm going to have to go with that being an extraordinarily bad idea. This is an unlikely scenario if you are all nice middle class kids, but it is possible, and you need to consider it.
Social services have wide powers to remove minors from anything they deem to be an abusive home, with little redress for the parents. Even where there is redress, it can take months / years of legal action to get the kids back. During this time the children will be rehomed to somewhere that has absolutely no guarantee of being better than where they came from. Moreover, if the CPS deem that adoption is necessary, they can start that process before any legal fight / reform by the parents is concluded. The adoption process is often much shorter than a legal battle. Once adoption is completed, the parents will legally never be able to get their children back.
From the moment you report a case, all of the above can happen (and has done) at the discretion of the CPS, with little judicial oversight. It will also be entirely out of your hands. More importantly, though they will be given a voice, it will largely be out of the hands of your girlfriend and her brother. It is not a good system. In fact, in a similar situation, I wouldn't report any case to the CPS / social services until I had explored all possible alternatives, talked about it in depth with the friend involved, and was absolutely convinced that they were unable to address the situation in their own way.
This is in no way condoning abuse, and from what you've said it sounds like there is certainly a problem. Unfortunately, you have to grow an adult head right now here, and ask yourself not if outing the father is right, but if it is going to make the situation better for your girlfriend and her brother. You also have to seriously consider if it is your decision to make - if you honestly think she / brother / mother are delusional or in total denial about the situation, that is one thing. If you think they can try to change it themselves (and her reaction suggests that this is certainly possible), then help them to do so before you take any unilateral action.
At the absolute minimum you need to talk to your girlfriend about what you are thinking of doing before you do something that could completely change her life - and that of her brother - for the next few years.
I agree that telling your girlfriend before you make any phone calls to official agencies is a good idea. She should know what you intend to do. However, I disagree that calling CPS is inherently a bad idea. If they deem it necessary to take the kids away, there's usually a pretty good reason.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
How bad is the hitting? How frequent? If it's something severe, such as something that could put her life or health in danger, then yes that is something where you'll want to call outside forces and get them out as soon as possible.
If it's not as bad as that, methods other than CPS would be better. Regardless, though, have her decide, have someone (her mother?) talk things over with her father.
My dad was clinically depressed in my childhood, and when he got angry, he'd sometimes take it out on me. Let's just say it wasn't fun. He finally realized his unhealthy state of mind, though, got to a psychiatrist, got diagnosed, got his job altered, stopped manifesting his frustration in waving a golf club at his daughter and threatening to beat her with it. Now, I'm not saying you should sit and wait for such a miracle turn of events to happen. But if you, she (or better yet) an adult in connection to her family can talk things out with her father, that could be a much better route (or first action) before you go to any extremes.
edit: of course, if you or she fear that such a talk would cause him to explode (or explode at a later moment in time) at them... then don't do it.
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...but the finality of the legal decisions made, the unbalanced burden of proof in family courts, and the disparity of time it takes to challenge a decision (long) to the time it takes to make a legally unalterable decision ie adoption (short), are not greatly exaggerated. Those aren't urban legends, those are facts of the way the legal system works. Like I said, they might not happen all the time, but when it does happen, it
There have been, for example, plenty of real cases where parents charged of an offence are completely cleared after several years of legal battle (appeals court chain etc), but they are still never allowed to see their children again because they have been rehomed & then adopted in the meantime, and the adoption is irreversable. Those aren't urban legends either.
You just need to be aware of the stakes - particularly since your girlfriend is on the verge of legal adulthood anyway, and the repercussions will largely land on her younger brother.
Bah. That sentence was meant to end: "...the consequences are severe and unalterable."
PS Feral, you might want to read some of the real case histories where social workers have abused their position, usually through dogmatic beliefs overtaking actual evidence. I've looked into detail with the UK cases more, but I know there are similar US ones, usually involving belief of Satanic practices or paedophilia based on no evidence, or garnering evidence through deeply flawed practice which assumes guilt and encourages children to confirm a hypothesis.
Off the top of my head, I know the US had a very well publicised case in - if I remember right - the 90's, where scores of children started to come out with accusations based on the flawed interview technique of an untrained social worker encouraging them to play a game; namely identifying genital areas on dolls, then persuading them to say that they had been touched there by parents etc. Half the bloody town was indicted before someone picked up on what was going on.
I have a friend who used to work investigating (police oversight, essentially) such claims. His experience doing so meant he came out of it with absolutely no faith whatsoever that many social workers had the faintest fucking clue what they were doing in such cases.
And their mother.
Abusers don't typically stop abusing once the kids leave home. They'll just as easily switch targets to their spouses. I'm also rather disturbed by the implication in the thread so far that a little bit of physical abuse is okay. Even occasional abuse is a representation of the abuser's lack of impulse control, which means that future abuse can unexpectedly escalate to being severely injurious or even life-threatening. It doesn't matter whether the kids are 17.5 years old or 17.5 months old, any amount of physical abuse is unacceptable.
I do agree that before any third party is involved, the OP should discuss the situation with his girlfriend. However, if the OP is uncomfortable calling CPS due to the issues raised in this thread (issues which I think are overblown) then I would suggest at least calling the police department. You're not equipped to handle issues of familial abuse on your own, and the victims themselves are even less equipped.
And since I've said my piece, I'm stepping out of the thread.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Well, the implication of one poster. I simply said that consequences of calling CPS may be worse than the status quo, which is no comment at all on whether the status quo is okay or not.
Calling the police a much better idea than calling CPS, as they are much more likely to charge just the abusive parent than treat both parents as one, but you really have to catch him in the act for them to be able to do anything.
Speaking of which, you really need to find out more about the mother's role in this. Is she aware of what is going on? If she is, why isn't she doing anything? Could she be prompted to do something with some support? If she isn't aware of the situation, telling her should be your first solution right there.