QUILTBAG: Geez

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  • tzeentchlingtzeentchling Doctor of Rocks OaklandRegistered User regular
    I see a huge difference! Definitely a rounder, more feminine face, and nicer skin.

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  • 3clipse3clipse I will build a labyrinth to house the cheese Registered User regular
    Yeah that's an extremely noticeable progression to me.

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  • 3clipse3clipse I will build a labyrinth to house the cheese Registered User regular
    Also you look vastly happier in the more recent photo, like really noticeably so.

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  • SeidkonaSeidkona Had an upgrade Registered User regular
    edited January 9
    We can't see our own transitions very easily but trust me you have changed and you still have a long way to go.

    This is a marathon and not a sprint.



    It just keeps getting better, I promise.

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  • Fleur de AlysFleur de Alys Biohacker Registered User regular
    One of dysphoria's worst tricks is how we recognize enough of our features in the mirror that we feel like little to nothing has changed.

    It's a lie.

    Look at your cheekbones, girl! That's incredible progress for 6 months.

    Also things really hit their stride around 18 months, but YMMV, you're already doing amazing!

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  • BahamutZEROBahamutZERO Registered User regular
    you def. look like a girl now
    That said it's also entirely possible and not weird to still feel like shit even if others think you look great. Totally valid, as they say. It'd be nice if external validation alone made your brain feel better but it's never that simple.

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  • Brovid HasselsmofBrovid Hasselsmof [Growling historic on the fury road] Registered User regular
    I'm at 1 year 11 months and I feel like about 6 months ago a switch was flipped, where just enough small changes added up to get me read correctly all (I think) the time. Since then I haven't detected much change at all. Except my hairline continues to march a slow, cowardly retreat.

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  • jaziekjaziek Registered User regular
    <3<3
    thank you all for the kind words.

    And yeah, I wasn't expecting HRT to just instantly fix all my other mental health issues, and now that I don't have the constant overwhelming fear and anxiety about coming out / starting transition hanging over me like it has for the last 5+ years, I just have more headspace to deal with other things.

    This is good, in that I'm actually figuring out myself a bit better now, and getting to grips with the way my brain works rather than just ignoring and running away from my problems. On the other hand... dealing with these issues is hard and emotionally taxing, and atually having emotions is not something I am used to!

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  • credeikicredeiki Registered User regular
    edited January 9
    jaziek wrote: »
    <3<3
    thank you all for the kind words.

    And yeah, I wasn't expecting HRT to just instantly fix all my other mental health issues, and now that I don't have the constant overwhelming fear and anxiety about coming out / starting transition hanging over me like it has for the last 5+ years, I just have more headspace to deal with other things.

    This is good, in that I'm actually figuring out myself a bit better now, and getting to grips with the way my brain works rather than just ignoring and running away from my problems. On the other hand... dealing with these issues is hard and emotionally taxing, and atually having emotions is not something I am used to!

    I think you also--and hopefully I'm not out of line in saying this--happened to start out (from those pictures) with a very transition-friendly face! Cute eyelashes and nose shape especially; I wouldn't be surprised if you told me that people had given you shit in the past about looking feminine while you were presenting as 'male'.

    So when you see some similarity to your past self (and as everyone else has said, you may look similar but *certainly* not the same) you are probably seeing some similarity to features that already read as feminine.

    But holy shit it is so hard to feel confident about presentation, I absolutely empathize. I had to resist the urge here to be very negative about my own transition progress; if I step back and try to think about it, I don't think it actually makes sense for me to be negative about how I look. But that is my initial gut reaction still and it's been over two years now. I plan on doing some mental work to feel more positive though!

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  • jaziekjaziek Registered User regular
    credeiki wrote: »
    jaziek wrote: »
    <3<3
    thank you all for the kind words.

    And yeah, I wasn't expecting HRT to just instantly fix all my other mental health issues, and now that I don't have the constant overwhelming fear and anxiety about coming out / starting transition hanging over me like it has for the last 5+ years, I just have more headspace to deal with other things.

    This is good, in that I'm actually figuring out myself a bit better now, and getting to grips with the way my brain works rather than just ignoring and running away from my problems. On the other hand... dealing with these issues is hard and emotionally taxing, and atually having emotions is not something I am used to!

    I think you also--and hopefully I'm not out of line in saying this--happened to start out (from those pictures) with a very transition-friendly face! Cute eyelashes and nose shape especially; I wouldn't be surprised if you told me that people had given you shit in the past about looking feminine while you were presenting as 'male'.

    you're not wrong. The amount of times I got "are you wearing mascara?" from people pre coming out. Not even in a malicious way, just like.. my lashes are naturally pretty nice I guess.

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  • Zilla360Zilla360 21st Century. |She/Her| Surreal. Immersive. Earth.Registered User regular
    Today is officially my one year vagina-versery! Woo! *Does a little dance.* :D8-)

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  • Zilla360Zilla360 21st Century. |She/Her| Surreal. Immersive. Earth.Registered User regular
    I think you look great, @jaziek . Like @Seidkona says, it's a marathon, not a sprint, and things will get better. Heck, it took me ten years.

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  • SeidkonaSeidkona Had an upgrade Registered User regular
    Just to show you how much of a bastard dysphoria is when I look at my four pictures there the last one is the only one that looks any different to me.

    So yeah. I know logically that is not true but it's a struggle and reminding myself that it takes time does help calm that a lot for me.

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  • PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    jaziek wrote: »
    My hair loss hasn't stopped even with completely nuked testosterone levels, so I feel especially crap about that.

    That is crap, I hope it eventually reverses for you

    Some hair loss treatments can initially cause increased shedding - as old hairs get replaced by new ones - but I don't know if the same can be true for HRT

    Everything is unfortunately a drawn-out process

  • Curly_BraceCurly_Brace Robot Girl Mimiga VillageRegistered User regular
    Just had a simultaneously sad and comforting realization. I haven't really had a safe queer space IRL until about... six or seven years ago? And for the longest time I've been beating myself up about knowing I was trans 15 years ago yet NOT doing much about it until recently. Now I am out at work, have quite a few IRL queer friends, and have legally changed my name.

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  • Fleur de AlysFleur de Alys Biohacker Registered User regular
    Platy wrote: »
    jaziek wrote: »
    My hair loss hasn't stopped even with completely nuked testosterone levels, so I feel especially crap about that.

    That is crap, I hope it eventually reverses for you

    Some hair loss treatments can initially cause increased shedding - as old hairs get replaced by new ones - but I don't know if the same can be true for HRT

    Everything is unfortunately a drawn-out process
    It can. This is a thing for some girls.

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  • pimentopimento she/they/pim Registered User regular
    Hair loss is a bastard, I didn't do anything about mine for too long so now if I have my hair tied back you can see that my hairline is the same shape as the front of early Megaman's helmet. Seriously, this widow's peak should have a guardrail around it, it's unsafe. But hey.. it is what it is.

    I've had a couple of sessions with a speech pathologist that specialises in helping trans people, who's been very positive and encouraging and apparently I'm able to hit all the right tones pretty easily even though I have a relatively deep voice by default. Unfortunately I'm one of those people who takes failure extremely badly and doing the homework is giving me real bad braintimes. I'm not immediately good at it therefore I'm [redacted bad braintimes, you know]. So that's not been great, but I'm working on being positive about it and trying to like.. actually change my voice conversationally. Which is also hard.. I hate hate hate being observed, and I can't help but feel under the microscope every time I do something 'out'.

    Anyway, for Aussies in here, you can get 5 sessions/year free with a speech pathologist. I got a referral to here, your GP can sort it out for you via a GP plan. She does it all via video link and works late, so even though we're 3 hours apart in timezones it works out.

  • WyvernWyvern Registered User regular
    Just had a simultaneously sad and comforting realization. I haven't really had a safe queer space IRL until about... six or seven years ago? And for the longest time I've been beating myself up about knowing I was trans 15 years ago yet NOT doing much about it until recently. Now I am out at work, have quite a few IRL queer friends, and have legally changed my name.
    Yeah, I had a similar trajectory. Knew for a fact that I could never be happy without being a girl by early 2003 (after ruminating on the subject intensively for another year or two before that), and then proceeded to not hear a single honest fact about how transitioning works until I randomly stumbled on Metalborne's original thread here on SE++ in 2013 (with another couple years to go until I actually managed to start).

    It can be tough to deal with the knowledge that so much of your past was taken from you, but it doesn't mean that you can't have a future.

    As much as things have...not really gotten all that much better out in the world, really, at the very least I think the closeted trans kids of today are a lot more likely to find their way to the information they need than we were.

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  • BahamutZEROBahamutZERO Registered User regular
    yeah accurate information on this shit did not exist in public consciousness before the 2010s for whatever reason, the DSM changes around then might have had something to do with that, not sure.

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  • LucedesLucedes keeps happening for some reason Registered User regular
    yeah accurate information on this shit did not exist in public consciousness before the 2010s for whatever reason, the DSM changes around then might have had something to do with that, not sure.

    there wasn't honestly much info before then because no one talked about it, like, ever, at all.
    the 90s and early 00s were fucking rough for the LGBs, the Ts were even worse off. everyone was basically hiding.

    growing up with lesbian parents in the 90s was fucking hard.
    i couldn't have friends over to my house without a lot of vetting! because they might find out and make things awful.

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  • SeidkonaSeidkona Had an upgrade Registered User regular
    edited January 10
    I knew at 12.

    I was hard stopped by family in the 90's and made to hate myself over and over again so that I couldn't come out until I was 40.
    The 90s sucked.

    I mean all 40 of those years did.

    But. . .

    I am happy now. And that is all I choose to let matter.. I can't change what was done to me or me being so broken by it that I wouldn't get strong enough for a long while.

    I walked into my transition like I was out of a cannon and I let nothing stop me now. My resolve was forged in those years.

    And I am happy now

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  • Fleur de AlysFleur de Alys Biohacker Registered User regular
    I didn't know. Religion and general conservative brainwashing left me feeling like the world was wrong, but it was my fault.

    I survived by building an agender identity for myself in my teen years, though I lacked the vocabulary and context to know what I was doing. I rejected masculinity outright in a conversation with myself, but I refused to allow myself to embrace femininity.

    To this day I don't know whether that worked for me because I'm girlflux, or if I'm girlflux because I did that for so long.

    Threads here helped me finally realize what was going on with me.

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  • WyvernWyvern Registered User regular
    yeah accurate information on this shit did not exist in public consciousness before the 2010s for whatever reason, the DSM changes around then might have had something to do with that, not sure.
    It was very specifically the advent of Caitlyn Jenner that did it. I don't know why, but for some reason that was the singular thing that flipped the switch in the public consciousness from "transness is a joke you occasionally see in bad movies" to "trans people are an actual thing that exists in real life".

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  • DepressperadoDepressperado I just wanted to see you laughing in the pizza rainRegistered User regular
    I used to be obsessed with a certain kind of beardy manliness (which is either indicative of or the cause of my thing for bears)

    but I got older and less annoying and now it's just like, I have a beard because of beard momentum and the fact that I'd rather be "GREAT BIG BUSHY BEARD" than "that baby-faced Dollar Store Kingpin".

    I've got acne, which is fucked. I had a perfect smooth beautiful face until I turned like, 19. So anyway, I've learnt the subtle, practical, tactical applications of foundation and concealer and skin care and stuff, mostly from my sister teaching me or me stealing her make-up.

    and now it's like

  • StericaSterica Yes Registered User, Moderator mod
    Wyvern wrote: »
    yeah accurate information on this shit did not exist in public consciousness before the 2010s for whatever reason, the DSM changes around then might have had something to do with that, not sure.
    It was very specifically the advent of Caitlyn Jenner that did it. I don't know why, but for some reason that was the singular thing that flipped the switch in the public consciousness from "transness is a joke you occasionally see in bad movies" to "trans people are an actual thing that exists in real life".
    Which sucks because Jenner is a terrible person whereas Laverne Cox had been acting for years as an out actress, but I guess it doesn’t count unless they’re white.

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  • RedTideRedTide Registered User regular
    Sterica wrote: »
    Wyvern wrote: »
    yeah accurate information on this shit did not exist in public consciousness before the 2010s for whatever reason, the DSM changes around then might have had something to do with that, not sure.
    It was very specifically the advent of Caitlyn Jenner that did it. I don't know why, but for some reason that was the singular thing that flipped the switch in the public consciousness from "transness is a joke you occasionally see in bad movies" to "trans people are an actual thing that exists in real life".
    Which sucks because Jenner is a terrible person whereas Laverne Cox had been acting for years as an out actress, but I guess it doesn’t count unless they’re white.

    Jenner had a definitive place carved in the Boomer zeitgeist that had been refreshed a fair bit by their association with the Kardashians before coming out.

    Cox is a talented actress on a streaming service show.

    Jenner is a person a ton of people knew of before coming out and it made the whole thing carry a certain weight, fairly or not.

    It's the difference between Sonny or Cher coming out as trans vs their kid who was never in the limelight.

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  • initiatefailureinitiatefailure Registered User regular
    the 90s/00s where a lot of me being confused on why the girls didn't have all these weird social pressures being forced on them like I was facing.

    yes, i now recognize some flaws in that assessment but that's how it felt

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  • 21stCentury21stCentury A lovely pixel artist and gamecrafter [They/Them]Registered User regular
    just got to the credits of If Found...

    Straight up, i have never cried harder at a piece of media before. my face hurts from crying so hard. It isn't like sad crying though.

    I heartily recommend you check it out. it's about a young trans woman coming back home from college to rural Ireland.

    Content warning: Transphobia, parental/familial abuse, drugs

    100/10, 2020 GOTY.

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  • Emerlmaster999Emerlmaster999 Nonbinary (they/them)Registered User regular
    So my doctor wants me to come in on Saturday to check on something:
    My nipples discharge a teeny amount of clear liquid if pressed down on for a bit.

    I've read that that is to be expected while on estradiol and spiro, but they mostly wanna doublecheck to make sure they don't have to adjust the dosage.

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  • LalaboxLalabox Registered User regular
    so, i had the followup conversation w my parents, after 3 weeks of what felt like pretending the first conversation never happened.

    it went pretty badly
    my dad seems to have taken things pretty personally and said some real hurtful things to me

    my mum, less so, but definitely doesn't really think i'm "actually" trans and that i shouldn't put even more medications into my body


    i guess i sort of expected to have this part of the conversation, and my brother told me he'd really have my back while they took it badly at first

    but it's still real tough for me to to be told "no you don't" when i tell them i still love them both as i leave

  • Brovid HasselsmofBrovid Hasselsmof [Growling historic on the fury road] Registered User regular
    Wow to that last bit.

    Sorry you have to deal with that. Hopefully they will come around with time, but they really shouldn't have to.

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  • PirateQueenPirateQueen Registered User regular
    Your brother sounds awesome @Lalabox
    Hang in there**

    There was a holiday thread on family issues that had some good resources - can try to dig those out if it's any help...

  • SeidkonaSeidkona Had an upgrade Registered User regular
    I always hate that this is often part of the process for us but it is also why we set up such strong inter community networks.

    We need to be there for each other.

    I am so sorry, Lalabox.

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  • LalaboxLalabox Registered User regular
    thanks all

    i'm real glad i've got some good friends, and I was able to come home and hug my housemate and cry and talk with some of my other friends over the phone

    i actually finally had my followup appointment with the gp (who is still an absolutely angel) and i've actually got a script for estrogen now


    i've still got to sort out some shit with sperm freezing, and i was always gonna try and talk to my parents about things before i got started on taking e.

    but if we're gonna talk honestly and "authentically" then i need to be able to be open and vulnerable and i'm not gonna do that when i'm talking to someone who's trying to say whatever they can to hurt me


    i'm glad my brother's gonna be around to talk to them in the next couple days. I'mma spend that time with my friends

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  • TefTef Registered User regular
    The thing you also should keep in the back of your mind is that you also don’t owe your parents anything, particularly your love, if they don’t reciprocate.

    They decided to have you. Raising you and loving you is the bare minimum expectation of a parent. If they can’t meet that exceedingly low bar, then that’s on them.

    Of course, you’re welcome to work on it with them, and it would be nice if they come around eventually.

    Don’t destroy your own self worth, identity and love because they won’t do their fuckin job

    Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better

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  • lonelyahavalonelyahava Call me Ahava ~~She/Her~~ Move to New ZealandRegistered User regular
    I know it's not exactly the same thing but, we love you Lala.

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  • LalaboxLalabox Registered User regular
    Tef wrote: »
    The thing you also should keep in the back of your mind is that you also don’t owe your parents anything, particularly your love, if they don’t reciprocate.

    They decided to have you. Raising you and loving you is the bare minimum expectation of a parent. If they can’t meet that exceedingly low bar, then that’s on them.

    Of course, you’re welcome to work on it with them, and it would be nice if they come around eventually.

    Don’t destroy your own self worth, identity and love because they won’t do their fuckin job

    i'm hoping it won't come to that

    even with the vitriol of last night, i'm hoping it won't come to that

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  • TefTef Registered User regular
    I really hope it doesn’t either mate!

    I’m pan, and I caused myself all sorts of worries, trying to make things right with people who could not (would not) drop their bigoted attitudes.

    Any way we can help, we’re always here

    Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better

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  • PirateQueenPirateQueen Registered User regular
    Sometimes people change (some of my religious childhood friends from the backwards country we're all from did a U turn in their attitudes after I came out to them and we talked things over)

    But, if someone's being hurtful or abusive, completely agree that it's better to step back and not let them cause harm
    (I've had to do that recently with someone I care about deeply & know it sucks, hang in there @Tef and @Lalabox

    There are some people in my family circle I think I'll never come out to - I know how prejudiced they are, we're not close and I don't feel any responsibility for educating/changing them... IDK, maybe it's not a good thing as I've never given them a chance?
    : /

  • LalaboxLalabox Registered User regular
    my mum texted me the following day saying that she hoped i was ok. I told her that it was going to take some time

    just now i sent her the following message:
    I've wanted to talk about this so much. I know you needed some time after i first came out to you, but the silence after that conversation really got to me.

    I want you to understand and be able to come down this journey with me. My own silence on being trans has been eating away at me for years, it's the greatest regret of my twenties. I was never going to start transitioning without talking to you. I saw so many people and went so far down this road so i could be prepared for conversations, so i could say i had a diagnosis, so i could say i've spent a long time talking to professionals and so i had a good idea of what exactly this entails.

    But if we're going to talk honestly and "authentically" about my relationship with gender, then i need to be able to open and vulnerable. And i'm not going to do that just to expose myself to some of the cruelest and most hurtful words that have ever been said to me.

    I'm taking some time to spend with my loving friends and my support networks. I want to talk, but i don't want to get into a bad faith conversation.

    a lot of what she was saying at the time was that she didn't understand and didn't "see it" with me, because she'd known me for all my life. That it didn't feel authentic, and she made some comments about the "zeitgeist".

    but she wasn't the one who was snapping at me, and just saying whatever she could to hurt me

    Tefnever dieZilla360VeldrinToxFleur de Alys3clipseFearghaillErin The Red
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