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Kids/Parenting: It’s fine, everything is fine.

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  • CalicaCalica Registered User regular
    urahonky wrote: »
    Nothing like getting into a shouting match with your fucking 6 year old to make you feel like a piece of shit for the rest of the week. But the boy knows exactly how to get under my skin and when he's mad about something he just escalates everything as high as he can. It doesn't matter if we threaten to take away his TV time or outside time. He just keeps going until we do and then he goes further than that.

    So, uh. Not a parent and I have no desire to be one,* but based on what I remember from my childhood, timeouts are good for this. As a kid, I couldn't articulate why being sent to The Corner worked so much better than punishment/spanking; but as an adult I read Don't Shoot the Dog, and the concept of a Least Reinforcing Moment (LRM) describes my childhood experience exactly.

    Basically, when I was misbehaving/pushing buttons, any reaction from my parents was a reward and, thus, encouragement to continue. In timeout, I got no reaction - which is of course the entire point. I could whine, cry, rage, whatever, and all that would happen was that my mom would add time in 3-minute increments until I calmed down.

    I think the longest I ever made it was 9 minutes.

    (In the least surprising twist ever, my mom has since told me that the timeout was sometimes as much for her to cool off as it was for me :razz:)

    May not work for every kid in every situation, obviously; but for what it's worth my sister and I were very different children and it worked pretty well on both of us.

    *so what am I doing in this thread then? I dunno, probably the same reason I used to read Sesame Street Parent magazine for fun when I was six. Hell if I know, really.

    urahonkykimeHappylilElfElvenshae
  • kimekime Queen of Blades Registered User regular
    Calica wrote: »
    urahonky wrote: »
    Nothing like getting into a shouting match with your fucking 6 year old to make you feel like a piece of shit for the rest of the week. But the boy knows exactly how to get under my skin and when he's mad about something he just escalates everything as high as he can. It doesn't matter if we threaten to take away his TV time or outside time. He just keeps going until we do and then he goes further than that.

    So, uh. Not a parent and I have no desire to be one,* but based on what I remember from my childhood, timeouts are good for this. As a kid, I couldn't articulate why being sent to The Corner worked so much better than punishment/spanking; but as an adult I read Don't Shoot the Dog, and the concept of a Least Reinforcing Moment (LRM) describes my childhood experience exactly.

    Basically, when I was misbehaving/pushing buttons, any reaction from my parents was a reward and, thus, encouragement to continue. In timeout, I got no reaction - which is of course the entire point. I could whine, cry, rage, whatever, and all that would happen was that my mom would add time in 3-minute increments until I calmed down.

    I think the longest I ever made it was 9 minutes.

    (In the least surprising twist ever, my mom has since told me that the timeout was sometimes as much for her to cool off as it was for me :razz:)

    May not work for every kid in every situation, obviously; but for what it's worth my sister and I were very different children and it worked pretty well on both of us.

    *so what am I doing in this thread then? I dunno, probably the same reason I used to read Sesame Street Parent magazine for fun when I was six. Hell if I know, really.

    This is a pretty common philosophy yeah, more or less

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  • CalicaCalica Registered User regular
    kime wrote: »
    Calica wrote: »
    urahonky wrote: »
    Nothing like getting into a shouting match with your fucking 6 year old to make you feel like a piece of shit for the rest of the week. But the boy knows exactly how to get under my skin and when he's mad about something he just escalates everything as high as he can. It doesn't matter if we threaten to take away his TV time or outside time. He just keeps going until we do and then he goes further than that.

    So, uh. Not a parent and I have no desire to be one,* but based on what I remember from my childhood, timeouts are good for this. As a kid, I couldn't articulate why being sent to The Corner worked so much better than punishment/spanking; but as an adult I read Don't Shoot the Dog, and the concept of a Least Reinforcing Moment (LRM) describes my childhood experience exactly.

    Basically, when I was misbehaving/pushing buttons, any reaction from my parents was a reward and, thus, encouragement to continue. In timeout, I got no reaction - which is of course the entire point. I could whine, cry, rage, whatever, and all that would happen was that my mom would add time in 3-minute increments until I calmed down.

    I think the longest I ever made it was 9 minutes.

    (In the least surprising twist ever, my mom has since told me that the timeout was sometimes as much for her to cool off as it was for me :razz:)

    May not work for every kid in every situation, obviously; but for what it's worth my sister and I were very different children and it worked pretty well on both of us.

    *so what am I doing in this thread then? I dunno, probably the same reason I used to read Sesame Street Parent magazine for fun when I was six. Hell if I know, really.

    This is a pretty common philosophy yeah, more or less

    I figured. Just throwing my anecdote on the pile.

  • MNC DoverMNC Dover Full-time Voice Actor Kirkland, WARegistered User regular
    This thread is welcoming to awesome aunts and uncles as well. Or, you know, just generally good people.

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  • SleepSleep Registered User regular
    edited October 22
    Oh man the kid got me on a new diet for a week or so. Seems pretty killer, gonna lose a few pounds at least, I'm not sure if any of y'all have heard of it. It's called hand foot and mouth disease and it hurts to drink water let alone eat any food item.

    Sleep on
    Kayne Red RobeBrodyCarpyAntinumericschuss
  • Jebus314Jebus314 Registered User regular
    Sleep wrote: »
    Oh man the kid got me on a new diet for a week or so. Seems pretty killer, gonna lose a few pounds at least, I'm not sure if any of y'all have heard of it. It's called hand foot and mouth disease and it hurts to drink water let alone eat any food item.

    I've heard it is the absolute worst to get as an adult. Kids are fussy but more or less ok. But they are extremely contagious, and when a parent inevitable gets it, you're in for a rough time. So far we have avoided any interactions with it.

    "The world is a mess, and I just need to rule it" - Dr Horrible
    Elvenshae
  • ShadowfireShadowfire Vermont, in the middle of nowhereRegistered User regular
    urahonky wrote: »
    Shadowfire wrote: »
    I'm in a bad place right now and need to get this out to see if there's anything I'm missing to move on immediately with the kiddo. Spoiling because it's probably triggering.
    Jaina's said some pretty worrisome things lately. She's said before that her brain makes her be bad sometimes but she doesn't want to be. I can get that kind of for a kid to say "eh, I didn't mean to be like that and I'm sorry," but the way she describes it is almost like she's hearing something in her telling her to be bad.

    But last night was way different. She did a dumb thing that we tried to talk to her about (playing the Switch and ignoring her friends when they were over, no big deal but something she needs to know is rude). She broke down crying and said that she wished she didn't exist anymore and that we had a different kid instead. She's known for a while that we wanted to have two children, but we can only have one and we're happy she's with us, and so this was a pretty big statement from her. To say she didn't want to exist.. ugh. As someone who's struggled with depression and suicidal ideation in the past, I just about lost my mind.

    We've since spoken to her doctor who is referring her to psychology in the network. And we spoke to the school to get her into a counseling program there. What else should we be doing here? Like.. I don't even know where to start here aside from what we've already done, and I don't know what else we should be doing for her aside from what we already do.

    Yeah my 8 year old has said this before too and it's really sad to hear. Sometimes she just gets really hard on herself for no real reason. The other day she dropped something and immediately said she wish she didn't exist. I don't know where it comes from but when she says it I usually drop what I'm doing and sit with her and explain everything as calmly as possible. She seems to feel like she's not allowed to do something wrong or by accident.

    So the school has a program that helps intervene with kids who are having trouble which is great. They sat her down and talked to her to see how she was doing, and talked to her about that. She said that she thinks this all the time, that time she just blurted it out because she was upset. So that's a pretty bad feeling!

    I'm glad she was able to open up about it to someone at the school though. We see her primary on Monday and the ball is rolling to child psych, but the wait time there is fucking absurd so we just muddle through in the meantime.

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  • dennisdennis Executive Peasant Registered User regular
    edited October 22
    Calica wrote: »
    Basically, when I was misbehaving/pushing buttons, any reaction from my parents was a reward and, thus, encouragement to continue. In timeout, I got no reaction - which is of course the entire point. I could whine, cry, rage, whatever, and all that would happen was that my mom would add time in 3-minute increments until I calmed down.

    This can work, but every kid is different (and I know you kind of alluded to that, though you might not realize just how much it's true).

    One thing you learn when you become a parent is that there are a ton of solutions that people - including parents who have tried it on their child with success - suggest that just don't work on your kid(s). Especially if they are neurodivergent.

    dennis on
    AimCalicaurahonky
  • TaramoorTaramoor Storyteller Registered User regular
    247277096_10223106064179132_4231968789656401076_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=gNuu5q1_6V0AX8pLXNT&_nc_ht=scontent-sea1-1.xx&oh=c345553c57a80f8d4a013d4202f81bb3&oe=61999DFD

    Fuck.

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  • BrodyBrody The Watch The First ShoreRegistered User regular
    dennis wrote: »
    Calica wrote: »
    Basically, when I was misbehaving/pushing buttons, any reaction from my parents was a reward and, thus, encouragement to continue. In timeout, I got no reaction - which is of course the entire point. I could whine, cry, rage, whatever, and all that would happen was that my mom would add time in 3-minute increments until I calmed down.

    This can work, but every kid is different (and I know you kind of alluded to that, though you might not realize just how much it's true).

    One thing you learn when you become a parent is that there are a ton of solutions that people - including parents who have tried it on their child with success - suggest that just don't work on your kid(s). Especially if they are neurodivergent.

    I was the worst kid for timeout. It literally could not have mattered to me less. I don't even remember what I spent the time thinking of, but I would definitely just chill in the corner or w/e, daydream, and then go back to living my life when time out was over.

    "I will write your name in the ruin of them. I will paint you across history in the color of their blood."

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  • HappylilElfHappylilElf Registered User regular
    Taramoor wrote: »
    247277096_10223106064179132_4231968789656401076_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=gNuu5q1_6V0AX8pLXNT&_nc_ht=scontent-sea1-1.xx&oh=c345553c57a80f8d4a013d4202f81bb3&oe=61999DFD

    Fuck.

    at least it's not a femur is the best I've got :(

  • TaramoorTaramoor Storyteller Registered User regular
    Taramoor wrote: »
    247277096_10223106064179132_4231968789656401076_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=gNuu5q1_6V0AX8pLXNT&_nc_ht=scontent-sea1-1.xx&oh=c345553c57a80f8d4a013d4202f81bb3&oe=61999DFD

    Fuck.

    at least it's not a femur is the best I've got :(

    Tripped over something on the goddamned playground at school, and broke his leg. How in the name of Hephaestus do you manage that? He's four, so he only fell like... a foot.

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  • lonelyahavalonelyahava Call me Ahava ~~She/Her~~ Move to New ZealandRegistered User regular
    Reading Eggs is so good.

    I was beginning to get all parent panic=y because I couldn't get Ellie to actually sit and do any reading/letters/word work with me at all without it dissolving into tears.

    One week into doing Reading eggs for 30-40 minutes each day (i only insist on 30, she sometimes goes longer on her own) she's actually reading simple sentences with me and even writing them.


    I'm so happy I could cry.

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  • dennisdennis Executive Peasant Registered User regular
    Taramoor wrote: »
    Taramoor wrote: »
    247277096_10223106064179132_4231968789656401076_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=gNuu5q1_6V0AX8pLXNT&_nc_ht=scontent-sea1-1.xx&oh=c345553c57a80f8d4a013d4202f81bb3&oe=61999DFD

    Fuck.

    at least it's not a femur is the best I've got :(

    Tripped over something on the goddamned playground at school, and broke his leg. How in the name of Hephaestus do you manage that? He's four, so he only fell like... a foot.

    One day while we were doing our normal thing, my cubemate stood up from his office chair, then sat back down. Then he fell out of his seat and twitched a bit, before regaining consciousness. He had broken his foot. standing up.

    Granted, he was in his 30s and a programmer, but it wasn't in bad shape at all.

  • Ninja Snarl PNinja Snarl P My helmet is my burden. Ninja Snarl: Gone, but not forgotten.Registered User regular
    You know, you're being partially comedic with that, but I've got big feet and sometimes I stick them under chairs... wherein I kick off the horribly-placed lever for the seat height and cause my entire body weight to come down on my foot while I split-second panic-think "I guess I'll be on disability now", fully expecting to crush my foot into oblivion.

    I have yet to actually be injured in the slightest by this but yeah, shit happens.

    dennis
  • dennisdennis Executive Peasant Registered User regular
    edited October 22
    You know, you're being partially comedic with that, but I've got big feet and sometimes I stick them under chairs... wherein I kick off the horribly-placed lever for the seat height and cause my entire body weight to come down on my foot while I split-second panic-think "I guess I'll be on disability now", fully expecting to crush my foot into oblivion.

    I have yet to actually be injured in the slightest by this but yeah, shit happens.

    Just to be clear, he literally just stood up, like you would at any time. Then he sat down. There was no tangling or tripping or anything. It was the standup and break that caused him to sit back down.

    I have fallen over backwards in enough rolling chairs that I should probably have been severely injured by this point. Sometimes I've even tipped them over leaning forwards.

    I still can't figure out how my son was walking down the stairs and his feet went out from under him and he fell backwards and did this:
    (a semi-bad cut with a little blood)
    3yki277opa10.jpg

    Now to be clear, this is on the top of his head toward his forehead. To this day, I still can't figure out how he did this falling backwards onto the stairs.

    This was, of course, less than a week from his 8th birthday.

    About a month ago he somehow managed to throw his neck out badly enough that it took days to heal. He did this by "looking around too quick."

    dennis on
  • HappylilElfHappylilElf Registered User regular
    Taramoor wrote: »
    Taramoor wrote: »
    247277096_10223106064179132_4231968789656401076_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=gNuu5q1_6V0AX8pLXNT&_nc_ht=scontent-sea1-1.xx&oh=c345553c57a80f8d4a013d4202f81bb3&oe=61999DFD

    Fuck.

    at least it's not a femur is the best I've got :(

    Tripped over something on the goddamned playground at school, and broke his leg. How in the name of Hephaestus do you manage that? He's four, so he only fell like... a foot.

    Human bodies are incredibly resilient while somehow at the same time managing to be incredibly fragile.

    My theory is that if there is/was an "intelligent designer" they gave themselves that moniker because human bodies are bullshit :P

  • SoggybiscuitSoggybiscuit 4.5 MV of POWER! Registered User regular
    Taramoor wrote: »
    247277096_10223106064179132_4231968789656401076_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=gNuu5q1_6V0AX8pLXNT&_nc_ht=scontent-sea1-1.xx&oh=c345553c57a80f8d4a013d4202f81bb3&oe=61999DFD

    Fuck.

    Damn dude, leg breaks suck. Some advice is to make sure his crutches fit, and if you have any rugs in your house now is a good time to move them; they are crutch catchers, and I tripped a couple of times on a rug after my break. Which wasn’t fun, since I need a plate and screws on both the tibia and fibula.






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  • HevachHevach Registered User regular
    edited October 22
    Taramoor wrote: »
    Taramoor wrote: »
    247277096_10223106064179132_4231968789656401076_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=gNuu5q1_6V0AX8pLXNT&_nc_ht=scontent-sea1-1.xx&oh=c345553c57a80f8d4a013d4202f81bb3&oe=61999DFD

    Fuck.

    at least it's not a femur is the best I've got :(

    Tripped over something on the goddamned playground at school, and broke his leg. How in the name of Hephaestus do you manage that? He's four, so he only fell like... a foot.

    Human bodies are incredibly resilient while somehow at the same time managing to be incredibly fragile.

    My theory is that if there is/was an "intelligent designer" they gave themselves that moniker because human bodies are bullshit :P

    We have the abdomen and spine of a quadruped on top of the hips of a biped. We see the world through aquatic eyes and we pilot half ton boxes of steel and glass at unsafe velocities using a brain that's best suited to long walks and hitting stones with other stones.

    We should have lost evolution, but we saved the game in the second half by killing most of the serious competition and turning the ones we couldn't kill into dachshunds.

    Hevach on
    ElvenshaedennisAimBrodyHappylilElfMNC Dover
  • SummaryJudgmentSummaryJudgment The purity of angry tambourine. Registered User regular
    Hevach wrote: »
    Taramoor wrote: »
    Taramoor wrote: »
    247277096_10223106064179132_4231968789656401076_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=gNuu5q1_6V0AX8pLXNT&_nc_ht=scontent-sea1-1.xx&oh=c345553c57a80f8d4a013d4202f81bb3&oe=61999DFD

    Fuck.

    at least it's not a femur is the best I've got :(

    Tripped over something on the goddamned playground at school, and broke his leg. How in the name of Hephaestus do you manage that? He's four, so he only fell like... a foot.

    Human bodies are incredibly resilient while somehow at the same time managing to be incredibly fragile.

    My theory is that if there is/was an "intelligent designer" they gave themselves that moniker because human bodies are bullshit :P

    We have the abdomen and spine of a quadruped on top of the hips of a biped. We see the world through aquatic eyes and we pilot half ton boxes of steel and glass at unsafe velocities using a brain that's best suited to long walks and hitting stones with other stones.

    We should have lost evolution, but we saved the game in the second half by killing most of the serious competition and turning the ones we couldn't kill into dachshunds.

    gg no re

    Because survival is insufficient.
    HappylilElf
  • RichyRichy Registered User regular
    For a bit of a laugh in the thread: Tweets from parents

    sig.gif
    ElvenshaeDisruptedCapitalist
  • CorvusCorvus . VancouverRegistered User regular
    Taramoor wrote: »
    Taramoor wrote: »
    247277096_10223106064179132_4231968789656401076_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=gNuu5q1_6V0AX8pLXNT&_nc_ht=scontent-sea1-1.xx&oh=c345553c57a80f8d4a013d4202f81bb3&oe=61999DFD

    Fuck.

    at least it's not a femur is the best I've got :(

    Tripped over something on the goddamned playground at school, and broke his leg. How in the name of Hephaestus do you manage that? He's four, so he only fell like... a foot.

    So uh, I snapped my ankle a few years ago tripping over a large pine cone.

    :so_raven:
    dennisAimShadowfireElvenshae
  • dennisdennis Executive Peasant Registered User regular
    Corvus wrote: »
    Taramoor wrote: »
    Taramoor wrote: »
    247277096_10223106064179132_4231968789656401076_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=gNuu5q1_6V0AX8pLXNT&_nc_ht=scontent-sea1-1.xx&oh=c345553c57a80f8d4a013d4202f81bb3&oe=61999DFD

    Fuck.

    at least it's not a femur is the best I've got :(

    Tripped over something on the goddamned playground at school, and broke his leg. How in the name of Hephaestus do you manage that? He's four, so he only fell like... a foot.

    So uh, I snapped my ankle a few years ago tripping over a large pine cone.

    Could be worse.

    Phoenix-D
  • schussschuss Registered User regular
    At least it's not on the growth plate?

    dennisHevachSleep
  • HevachHevach Registered User regular
    edited October 22
    My kid broke his arm at 3, six months later on his last follow up the x ray tech thought he did the wrong arm because there was no sign of it.

    I meanwhile just the other day had an x ray tech think my foot was broken, only to find out a break from 9 years ago is still visible. At some point your body's just like, "Meh, I'm sure that'll buff out," but it doesn't bother buffing.

    Growing bones are really good at healing, it sucks while it lasts but he'll be fine faster than you will be from kicking the bedpost.

    Hevach on
    HappylilElfBrodyPhoenix-DGilgaronSleepKayne Red RobeElvenshaeShadowfire
  • CorvusCorvus . VancouverRegistered User regular
    schuss wrote: »
    At least it's not on the growth plate?

    Not a growth plate, no. Tempted to post a pic of the x Ray with the four large screws and metal plate holding my bone together.

    :so_raven:
  • RichyRichy Registered User regular
    So last weekend I was playing with my 3yo. I setup her plastic bowling set, she would roll the ball and I'd send it back to her and put the pins back up when she hit some. She just kept throwing the ball, hitting 1 pin, hitting 3 pins, hitting no pin, whatever I just sent it back to her and she kept playing. Then finally she throws one roll that knocks all six pins down. And she just looks at me calmly and declares "I knew I could do it, so I just kept trying again and again." And I don't think I've ever been prouder of her than for that comment.

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  • dennisdennis Executive Peasant Registered User regular
    My daughter would repeat a saying her teacher would say: "Practice today to be better tomorrow" (or something like that). She was enraged when she hadn't mastered spinning a top after having practiced it the day before.

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  • Ninja Snarl PNinja Snarl P My helmet is my burden. Ninja Snarl: Gone, but not forgotten.Registered User regular
    dennis wrote: »
    My daughter would repeat a saying her teacher would say: "Practice today to be better tomorrow" (or something like that). She was enraged when she hadn't mastered spinning a top after having practiced it the day before.

    Note to self: teach children about metaphor before trying to teach them metaphors.

    dennisKayne Red RobeShadowfireBrody
  • Jebus314Jebus314 Registered User regular
    How do people feel about the ol “1 more time” situation? On the one hand, I don’t want to teach her that if she complains enough she can get what she wants. So I feel like if you say “one more time” that should be it. But in the other hand I usually don’t actually care if one more time is actually like 3 more times, and I want her to feel like she has some control and that we do listen to her.

    At 2 I’m not sure she really quite understands what it means yet anyway. But I’ve found that she is much more accepting if I let her convince me a few times than if I put my foot down immediately. I mean, most times she’s still somewhat upset when I finally say no more, but it definitely seems worse if it’s immediately.

    "The world is a mess, and I just need to rule it" - Dr Horrible
  • m!ttensm!ttens Registered User regular
    Jebus314 wrote: »
    How do people feel about the ol “1 more time” situation? On the one hand, I don’t want to teach her that if she complains enough she can get what she wants. So I feel like if you say “one more time” that should be it. But in the other hand I usually don’t actually care if one more time is actually like 3 more times, and I want her to feel like she has some control and that we do listen to her.

    At 2 I’m not sure she really quite understands what it means yet anyway. But I’ve found that she is much more accepting if I let her convince me a few times than if I put my foot down immediately. I mean, most times she’s still somewhat upset when I finally say no more, but it definitely seems worse if it’s immediately.

    Kids thrive with structure and working within understood boundaries. If you say "one more time" and let them do it 3 more times then they will learn that when you say "one more time" they can keep doing what they want until you guys both get into a fight about it. Nobody wants that. So if you say one more time then you need it to mean just one, if it's actually three you're okay with then say three.

    The other piece of wisdom I want to pass down (which I mean, I think my kid is only a few months older than yours, she's turning 3 next month) is to script out your daily itinerary and give running commentary on when things are going to change. For example: "We're going to get dressed and brush teeth, then you and I are going to get our shoes on (and do you want to wear your grey or green shoes today?) and our backpack ready while Mom finishes getting herself ready for work, then she's going to take you to daycare. After daycare I'm going to pick you up then we're going to come home and we're having NOODLES for dinner tonight! Then you and I can do some coloring or puzzles and you can watch 1 episode of that new show you like, then we're going to bed and TOMORROW is the weekend!" and maybe if we're at the park, "Hey, we're leaving in 5 minutes, you can keep going down the slide a few more times or I can go push you on the swing if you want. Okay, 2 minute warning, let's do the last thing you want for the next two minutes then we're leaving. Okay, time to go home now and eat some dinner. Say byebye to the park!" In both scenarios, I was setting the big picture "here is what we are going to do, in the order it's in, and when it's going to happen" but I was also offering her some control in stuff she wants that don't really matter to me but can be important for her and also gives her a feeling of control as well (shoe color, activity choice, slides or swings, etc). That way she tends not to (best laid plans, and all that) fight me on the big stuff.

    I don't know if it was here or another thread, someone who recommended the "Big Little Feelings" online course, but it has been really really good at breaking down toddler psychology and how and why they tend to act the way they do. Honestly I dislike the hokey obviously scripted "normal conversation" the two people give, but the lessons are really valuable.

    Kayne Red RobeCauldElvenshaeschussJebus314MNC Doverexis
  • CauldCauld Registered User regular
    m!ttens wrote: »
    Jebus314 wrote: »
    How do people feel about the ol “1 more time” situation? On the one hand, I don’t want to teach her that if she complains enough she can get what she wants. So I feel like if you say “one more time” that should be it. But in the other hand I usually don’t actually care if one more time is actually like 3 more times, and I want her to feel like she has some control and that we do listen to her.

    At 2 I’m not sure she really quite understands what it means yet anyway. But I’ve found that she is much more accepting if I let her convince me a few times than if I put my foot down immediately. I mean, most times she’s still somewhat upset when I finally say no more, but it definitely seems worse if it’s immediately.

    Kids thrive with structure and working within understood boundaries. If you say "one more time" and let them do it 3 more times then they will learn that when you say "one more time" they can keep doing what they want until you guys both get into a fight about it. Nobody wants that. So if you say one more time then you need it to mean just one, if it's actually three you're okay with then say three.

    The other piece of wisdom I want to pass down (which I mean, I think my kid is only a few months older than yours, she's turning 3 next month) is to script out your daily itinerary and give running commentary on when things are going to change. For example: "We're going to get dressed and brush teeth, then you and I are going to get our shoes on (and do you want to wear your grey or green shoes today?) and our backpack ready while Mom finishes getting herself ready for work, then she's going to take you to daycare. After daycare I'm going to pick you up then we're going to come home and we're having NOODLES for dinner tonight! Then you and I can do some coloring or puzzles and you can watch 1 episode of that new show you like, then we're going to bed and TOMORROW is the weekend!" and maybe if we're at the park, "Hey, we're leaving in 5 minutes, you can keep going down the slide a few more times or I can go push you on the swing if you want. Okay, 2 minute warning, let's do the last thing you want for the next two minutes then we're leaving. Okay, time to go home now and eat some dinner. Say byebye to the park!" In both scenarios, I was setting the big picture "here is what we are going to do, in the order it's in, and when it's going to happen" but I was also offering her some control in stuff she wants that don't really matter to me but can be important for her and also gives her a feeling of control as well (shoe color, activity choice, slides or swings, etc). That way she tends not to (best laid plans, and all that) fight me on the big stuff.

    I don't know if it was here or another thread, someone who recommended the "Big Little Feelings" online course, but it has been really really good at breaking down toddler psychology and how and why they tend to act the way they do. Honestly I dislike the hokey obviously scripted "normal conversation" the two people give, but the lessons are really valuable.

    Agree with this, say what you mean. If you want to be vague then be vague "A few more minutes" is fine. or "Almost done". But, "1 more time" should be exactly once more. You might not care some, or even most of the time if 1=3 or even 7. But, I think there will be plenty of times you do care and you can't really expect a toddler to know the difference if you're using the same words.

  • schussschuss Registered User regular
    Right - I always let my kids ask for more time, and sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes no, but being consistent about what a statement means is key to both of you being on the same page.

  • Jebus314Jebus314 Registered User regular
    Yeah, it's sort of what I thought people would say, and kind of what I was thinking. Maybe my issue right now is she is still sort of getting a handle on language, so I started out saying one more time when I meant one more time. But then she picked up on the wording and would say one more time when she meant I want to keep doing this, which obviously turns into asking for 1 more time every time, and it just couldn't bring myself to enforce it when I didn't really care and she is so freaking adorable.

    I guess what I should do is ask if she wants to do it a few more times or something so we are on the same page. As an aside, we've started saying she could have a couple of minutes instead of one more time for stuff, and I don't know why but it is so much more hilarious/adorable when a kid asks for "couple minutes" instead of one more time.

    "The world is a mess, and I just need to rule it" - Dr Horrible
    Elvenshae
  • SoggybiscuitSoggybiscuit 4.5 MV of POWER! Registered User regular
    Anyone got a recommendation for an online childbirth class? The doctors are getting very concerned about preeclampsia and will likely induce within week or two.

    Unfortunately the next childbirth class locally isn’t until after that time, so my wife is now worried.

    TIA

    Steam - Synthetic Violence | XBOX Live - Cannonfuse | PSN - CastleBravo | Twitch - SoggybiscuitPA
  • GarickGarick Registered User regular
    I still haven't figured out how to get time outs to work at all with my 3 year old kid. Telling them to go to their room, or sit in a corner, or anything at all just gets a flat out refusal to do so. If I physically enforce the edict, it's an all in full strength struggle until exhaustion which can literally be an hour or more.

    MulysaSempronius
  • CauldCauld Registered User regular
    Garick wrote: »
    I still haven't figured out how to get time outs to work at all with my 3 year old kid. Telling them to go to their room, or sit in a corner, or anything at all just gets a flat out refusal to do so. If I physically enforce the edict, it's an all in full strength struggle until exhaustion which can literally be an hour or more.

    I've never really had success with timeouts because of the reasons you've given (and other parents I've talked to have the same experience). Now that my older kid is 4, I will occasionally do a timeout like thing where I tell him he needs to go to his room and calm down. I will offer suggestions for what calming down means, like read a book or play with some toys he has in there. Typically he'll start reading a book within 1 minute and will continue for a while after I tell him he can come out. Maybe it's the same thing as a timeout, but I rarely focus on punishment. Instead I use it more as a redirection (we need to stop doing throwing, so let's calm down and read a book for a bit then we can try playing blocks some more).

    The rule of thumb I've heard is that timeouts should be no longer than your kids age in minutes. Young kid don't really have a sense of time.

    MulysaSemproniusElvenshaeDisruptedCapitalist
  • CarpyCarpy Registered User regular
    Got an appointment for my oldest tomorrow and that's for sure the first time I've ever seen a kid celebrate the news that they're getting a shot

    CauldElvenshaeJaysonFourdennis
  • urahonkyurahonky Dayton, OHRegistered User regular
    Nothing works on my kid. He just throws a fit and starts slamming stuff on the ground and screeching the entire time. The past 3 days it's been the same thing. We ask him to practice his taekwondo forms and then he throws a kinipshit and then it's 45 minutes of timeout while he screams and slams his hands on the ground.

    3 goddamn days straight. He did his flip out last night and he lost his screen time for a full week. He flipped out this morning and got into deep trouble again. We then took him to his taekwondo competition where he got a gold and silver medal. 5 minutes after he gets home he says he's going downstairs to play his Switch. Which I kindly remind him that he lost it.

    Then he flipped out again. Slapping around his toys and screaming at his mother. We sent him downstairs to sit in timeout. He started screeching at the top of his lungs which then woke up his 3 yr old sister who was napping (who was on the other side of the house). Which got him into even more trouble. I put him in the laundry room and shut the door.

    Maybe 10 minutes later he comes out to apologize for yelling but I'm so fucking sick of seeing him or hearing him.

  • urahonkyurahonky Dayton, OHRegistered User regular
    I often think that having kids was a fucking mistake. I'm at this point where they cause so much stress in our house that my wife and I are on the verge of crying at every moment when we're home. Work is my vacation because I don't have people yelling at me and telling me my food is disgusting. Every single fucking day.

    I'm so sick of it all.

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