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Kids/Parenting: It’s fine, everything is fine.

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Posts

  • CroakerBCCroakerBC TorontoRegistered User regular
    Taramoor wrote: »
    For Father’s Day I have been told I am to power wash the outside patio. Then I am to make barbecue chicken for everybody.

    I look forward to my chicken.

    We went to the playground, then swimming in the condo pool. I have an amusing mug. All is well.

    Satanic Jesus
  • dennisdennis aka bingley Registered User regular
    edited June 20
    I got lunch for myself and my 6 y.o. daughter from the hot bar at the grocery store we went to. She happily munched her food and told me everything was great. She made me a Father's Day card featuring Ankylosaurus, my favorite dinosaur.

    Later I picked dinner up for everyone, including making a special trip for my 10 y.o. son since he doesn't like the same food as everyone else and will have an extended meltdown (ASD/ADHD) rather than just "eat what we're having." In return, he yelled at me for asking him to put on underwear.

    While that's pretty typical, I should note that I got him to go out with me yesterday on an extended birdwatching hike. The weather was hot, but at least the humidity was low and there was wind and we were mostly in the shade. I didn't even get sunburned. We enjoyed our time together, so that has to count as a win.

    And today I called my mom, who put in way more effort at being a parent than my father ever did. It was her birthday, after all.

    dennis on
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  • lonelyahavalonelyahava Call me Ahava ~~She/Her~~ Move to New ZealandRegistered User regular
    So this morning.

    Sucked.

    Ellie did something to set her father off. Now this man usually has the patience of a saint, far more than I do. But he's been sick with a cough for a while (not covid. we kept testing) and he's had a lack of sleep and she's been super 'feigning helpless' lately and she just pushed that last button.

    So he yelled.

    Which means she cried and I got to take her to school. Which just caused her to cry more because I am the absolute *WRONG* parent.

    I had to physically carry her to the car, put her in it, buckle her in while she smacked at me, wrenching my child-injured shoulder some more. Then had to physically remove her from the car and spent the entire walk from car to classroom with her crying and yelling at me that I'm the wrong parent and she never wants to see me again.

    One of the boys from her class kept trying to get her attention on the walk and to check on her, but she had *zero* time for him.

    We got to the classroom, teacher came out. One of the other girls came out and actually took Ellie in, dried her eyes and wiped her nose and everything was fine.

    So I took the chance to chat with the teacher about how lonely Ellie says she is. How she is so sad and lonely and have you noticed anything?

    Friends.

    Let me tell you.

    My child is apparently so popular with all the other kids in her class that she has *schedules* for when she can play with each other child because she can't play with them all at once and she wants to be fair. Every kid tells the teacher they want to play with Ellie. and Ellie has gotten to the point where she can say No I need space, but I can play with you later.

    so intense, friends. so intense.

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  • spool32spool32 Contrary Library Registered User regular
    ooh boy

    How old is Ellie again? Sounds like the manipulation is real right now... :(

    ElvenshaeXandar
  • tbloxhamtbloxham Registered User regular
    So this morning.

    Sucked.

    Ellie did something to set her father off. Now this man usually has the patience of a saint, far more than I do. But he's been sick with a cough for a while (not covid. we kept testing) and he's had a lack of sleep and she's been super 'feigning helpless' lately and she just pushed that last button.

    So he yelled.

    Which means she cried and I got to take her to school. Which just caused her to cry more because I am the absolute *WRONG* parent.

    I had to physically carry her to the car, put her in it, buckle her in while she smacked at me, wrenching my child-injured shoulder some more. Then had to physically remove her from the car and spent the entire walk from car to classroom with her crying and yelling at me that I'm the wrong parent and she never wants to see me again.

    One of the boys from her class kept trying to get her attention on the walk and to check on her, but she had *zero* time for him.

    We got to the classroom, teacher came out. One of the other girls came out and actually took Ellie in, dried her eyes and wiped her nose and everything was fine.

    So I took the chance to chat with the teacher about how lonely Ellie says she is. How she is so sad and lonely and have you noticed anything?

    Friends.

    Let me tell you.

    My child is apparently so popular with all the other kids in her class that she has *schedules* for when she can play with each other child because she can't play with them all at once and she wants to be fair. Every kid tells the teacher they want to play with Ellie. and Ellie has gotten to the point where she can say No I need space, but I can play with you later.

    so intense, friends. so intense.

    I would suggest that your child's behavior at school with her friends and teachers, (unless she's a teenager), is more indicative of her mental state than the previously described incidents with her complaining about loneliness/worthlessness etc. She may just be effectively pushing your buttons in a way she knows doesn't get her into much trouble. Hard to be mad at someone for saying "I'm sad and lonely" but kids will absolutely weaponize behavior like that. If she was a teenager, I'd suspect the opposite, since teenagers become incredibly skilled at hiding stuff from friends but sometimes don't bother around parents.

    Not to rule out that she might really be feeling that way, but, your comment about how she structures her schedule to give everyone a chance to play suggests that she has a good grasp of friendship and what it means to her and others. Hard to reconcile that with feelings of worthlessness.

    "That is cool" - Abraham Lincoln
    spool32Elvenshae
  • MNC DoverMNC Dover Full-time Voice Actor Kirkland, WARegistered User regular
    I’m no expert, but it does sound like she’s intentionally pushing your buttons. I think if my daughter was acting that way, I’d sit her down and put a stop to it. Explain why this isn’t good behavior, and if it continues, there will be consequences (which I follow through on).

    But again, every parent and child is different. What works for some might not work for others. Good luck with this problem.

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  • urahonkyurahonky Registered User regular
    My oldest did that to me too. She used to complain about not having any friends but then I'd drop her off at school and have like 5 people running towards her when she got out of the car.

  • kimekime Queen of Blades Registered User regular
    Does she like playing with them or does she do it to be nice?

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  • dennisdennis aka bingley Registered User regular
    edited June 20
    I think it might be possible that it's manipulation, but I suggest approaching it with a chance for her to explain her side of it. Do these kids ever have any interaction with her outside of school? It seems like not, since it came as a surprise to you that she was so popular. I think it's possible to be popular without having anyone you would truly consider a friend, and to be lonely even when you're surrounded by people. Maybe talk to her and find out what qualities being "lonely" have for her before making up your mind.

    dennis on
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  • tbloxhamtbloxham Registered User regular
    dennis wrote: »
    I think it might be possible that it's manipulation, but I suggest approaching it with a chance for her to explain her side of it. Do these kids ever have any interaction with her outside of school? It seems like not, since it came as a surprise to you that she was so popular. I think it's possible to be popular without having anyone you would truly consider a friend, and to be lonely even when you're surrounded by people. Maybe talk to her and find out what qualities being "lonely" have for her before making up your mind.

    Indeed, my point was mainly that, it doesn't seem that your child is being notably isolated by her peers in a fashion which is directed by them, and nor does she seem to think interacting with them is meaningless.

    I certainly think that talking to her about how she should feel able to prioritize her own enjoyment, and that she doesn't "owe it" to the other children to hang out with them equally. If she loves her friend Y the best, then it's fine to spend time with Y all the time provided she isn't mean to the other kids. It may be exactly as you suggest, other kids like being with her, and she feels she must prioritize their joy over her own, which makes her feel like she is not important. It's good to not prioritize your happiness over other people's sadness, but, as has been suggested. Some people prioritize other people's happiness over their own, which might make them feel unimportant.

    A little surprised that the teacher would be aware of the schedule and not taken steps to 'disrupt' it!

    "That is cool" - Abraham Lincoln
  • dennisdennis aka bingley Registered User regular
    edited June 20
    tbloxham wrote: »
    dennis wrote: »
    I think it might be possible that it's manipulation, but I suggest approaching it with a chance for her to explain her side of it. Do these kids ever have any interaction with her outside of school? It seems like not, since it came as a surprise to you that she was so popular. I think it's possible to be popular without having anyone you would truly consider a friend, and to be lonely even when you're surrounded by people. Maybe talk to her and find out what qualities being "lonely" have for her before making up your mind.

    Indeed, my point was mainly that, it doesn't seem that your child is being notably isolated by her peers in a fashion which is directed by them, and nor does she seem to think interacting with them is meaningless.

    I certainly think that talking to her about how she should feel able to prioritize her own enjoyment, and that she doesn't "owe it" to the other children to hang out with them equally. If she loves her friend Y the best, then it's fine to spend time with Y all the time provided she isn't mean to the other kids. It may be exactly as you suggest, other kids like being with her, and she feels she must prioritize their joy over her own, which makes her feel like she is not important. It's good to not prioritize your happiness over other people's sadness, but, as has been suggested. Some people prioritize other people's happiness over their own, which might make them feel unimportant.

    A little surprised that the teacher would be aware of the schedule and not taken steps to 'disrupt' it!

    To be clear, that's not what I'm suggesting (her feeling she must prioritize their joy over her own). I'm saying the relationships she has in the classroom may not be what she calls "friends."

    I'm not saying you're wrong, but that we're suggesting two different possibilities. And there may be overlap.

    dennis on
  • lonelyahavalonelyahava Call me Ahava ~~She/Her~~ Move to New ZealandRegistered User regular
    Yeah. I'm leaning more towards what Dennis is saying.

    She hangs out with a couple kids out of school, but the one kid she really considered to be her best friend got held back a year.

    Add onto that my mom dying in January and I think I've got a bigger issue with figuring out what "lonely" means to her and go from there.


    She's 6.5.


    In other news, she's gone up several reading levels in the last week or two, and is starting to figure out multiplication. Advising me yesterday that "10*10=100". Which I know they're not up to in school yet.

    So maybe it's all of the above plus a brain leap.

  • CorvusCorvus . VancouverRegistered User regular
    So, I find my 6 year old asks us to do stuff for him he can do for himself all the time, not because he can't do it, but because to him it makes him feel taken care of. Could be where your kid is coming from with the acting helpless stuff.

    :so_raven:
  • dennisdennis aka bingley Registered User regular
    edited June 20
    Yeah. I'm leaning more towards what Dennis is saying.

    She hangs out with a couple kids out of school, but the one kid she really considered to be her best friend got held back a year.

    Add onto that my mom dying in January and I think I've got a bigger issue with figuring out what "lonely" means to her and go from there.


    She's 6.5.


    In other news, she's gone up several reading levels in the last week or two, and is starting to figure out multiplication. Advising me yesterday that "10*10=100". Which I know they're not up to in school yet.

    So maybe it's all of the above plus a brain leap.

    Next school year is the friendpocalypse for our almost-7 daughter. She goes to a Montessori school where classrooms are divided into mixed ages of three years. She had several friends in "Casa" level (3-5 year olds), but they were all just slightly over a year younger than our Ada. She only went back to the casa last spring, so she had an abbreviated time with them. Last summer she could still go to the school's summer camp program and was able to socialize with them. But then she started the Lower Elementary level (6-8 year olds) and had no one. Luckily, she quickly bonded with a new student.

    But unluckily, that girl is 8 years old and will be moving up to the Upper Elementary level next year. And both of those younger friends didn't get into the lottery for placements spots. Minnesota has open enrollment, but that means a lottery to get in initially if you weren't previously enrolled. Since they were pre-K, they weren't technically enrolled in the public school program and had to do the lottery. So not only will they not even be around next year, they probably won't come back to the school and be 1st graders when she's a 3rd grader, either.

    We've tried to get her to foster friendships with a 1st grader, and it's had some success. But she's no a solid "friend", and my daughter complains about how sometimes they don't really get along. That may be normal for friends, but when it comes to her 3rd grade friend they're two peas in a pod.

    I do not look forward to this fall. I'm pretty sure she's going to be saying she's lonely a lot. :cry:

    dennis on
    lonelyahava
  • tbloxhamtbloxham Registered User regular
    Conversely my main issue with my son's is...

    "Did you have fun at school today?"
    "Yes, of course"
    "Who did you play with?"
    "I don't know, kids"
    "Did you like it?"
    " Of course, we ran about. Running about is fun"
    "Did you talk to them about their weekends?"
    "No! I said we were playing"
    "How do you play without talking?"
    "We just run about and play. We don't talk"

    Same for both my kids. They like their school, and are happy to play with whoever but they genuinely just don't seem bothered about the people at their school for one minute when they aren't there.

    "That is cool" - Abraham Lincoln
  • lonelyahavalonelyahava Call me Ahava ~~She/Her~~ Move to New ZealandRegistered User regular
    The hits keep coming, friends.

    Last night, while going to bed, my darling child advised me that she didn't want me dropping her off at school. It would be embarrassing.

    But why? I asked, expecting the usual "ugh parents" thing.

    No. That is not what I got.

    It's embarrassing because I don't want the other kids to see your tummy and make fun of you and hurt your feelings, mommy. So it would be embarrassing for them to see you.

    Oh.

    Child then proceeded to roll over and fall asleep. From how she said it, she seems to be wanting to protect my feelings instead of saying she's embarrassed by mommy being fat. But that second part is coming.


    I knew that we would need to have talks about body positivity. About being accepting and not needing to look a certain way. I have books that o bought for this purpose.

    I just thought I'd have at least another 2 years ago minimum, so when she was about 8, before I'd need to get really into it.

    But no. She's started to absorb all that societal bullshit about body and beauty standards at Six.

    Six.

    Fuck the patriarchy.

    Not looking for advice, just venting.

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  • dennisdennis aka bingley Registered User regular
    edited June 22
    I'm just glad you know enough about the situation to know it's the stupid societal bullshit. Otherwise, that's some grade A negging.

    dennis on
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  • ShadowfireShadowfire Vermont, in the middle of nowhereRegistered User regular
    My in laws (well, one of them) has done a lot of that shit with my kid and it's annoying as hell. She's cried before about this inlaw before saying mom and I are lazy or fat or both and it just floors me that someone can say that shit to a kid, especially their grandchild.

    So, yeah, as you say, fuck the patriarchy and burn everything down.

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  • urahonkyurahonky Registered User regular
    edited June 21
    Kids really do completely fuck over the romance in a relationship, don't they? Work 8 hours then spend the next 4 hours arguing with them about eating broccoli and taking a shower and cleaning up the house.... Only to have the 3 year old go ballistic and scream and throw everything for no reason.

    By the time my wife and I have any alone time we just want to sleep and forget the day ever happened.

    urahonky on
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  • R-demR-dem Registered User regular
    edited June 22
    Oh absolutely. I got one of those spam texts a few months ago where they just send you some sexy lady picture and something like "hey baby last night was fun we should do it again sometime" and I replied with "Ma'am I am a 41 year old with a beer belly, a puppy, and a 5 year old. The only thing I lust after is 8 uninterrupted hours of sleep."

    R-dem on
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  • dennisdennis aka bingley Registered User regular
    R-dem wrote: »
    Oh absolutely. I got one of those spam texts a few months ago where they just send you some sexy lady picture and something like "hey baby last night was fun we should do it again sometime" and I replied with "Ma'am I am a 41 year old with a beer belly, a puppy, and a 5 year old. The only thing I lust after is 8 uninterrupted hours of sleep."

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  • MNC DoverMNC Dover Full-time Voice Actor Kirkland, WARegistered User regular
    There are very few times when I'm glad my mother isn't alive anymore. Having to read her sister's Facebook post tonight would be the fucking worst.

    spoiler'd for LGBQT+ hate and Lightyear spoilers:
    x0lngi58sh1g.png
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    Growing up, I never imagined I'd have "That Person" in my family. That was always somebody else's racist uncle. Not my family. My aunts were always so loving and kind. They still are in a lot of ways, it's just their religious views greatly perverse their world views. I hate it so much because we'll never see eye to eye.

    I used to just eyeroll this shit away, but I can't do it anymore. When shit like this pops up, I comment every time. I know it doesn't accomplish anything, but it just doesn't feel right to leave it out there in the wind. Even if I'm the radical leftist in her echo chamber, I can only hope that maybe one person will read what I write and maybe think for half a second about it. Probably not, but it doesn't hurt to try. Well...I guess my other aunt did block me...so there's that. :neutral:

    And that's just another reason I can never get behind organized religion. Personal belief is fine, healthy even, but when you impose your views onto others, that's where I draw the line. Stop spouting hatred and hiding behind the robes of god. It's disgusting, and quite frankly, embarrassing.

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  • lonelyahavalonelyahava Call me Ahava ~~She/Her~~ Move to New ZealandRegistered User regular
    Point of order, but it's not just "organised religion" that does that. The "organised" part is not the post that tries to impose beliefs on others, but instead lets those that believe similarly do so together, as a group. An organized group.

    And even still, if you look at other organised religions, a lot of them don't try to impose beliefs on others. Now if you want to yell about organised American evangelical Christians, then in right behind you.

    But their issues have barely anything to do with being an "organized religion". And it's super frustrating to be constantly thrown into the same bucket with them.

    MechMantisElvenshae
  • HappylilElfHappylilElf Registered User regular
    Point of order, but it's not just "organised religion" that does that. The "organised" part is not the post that tries to impose beliefs on others, but instead lets those that believe similarly do so together, as a group. An organized group.

    And even still, if you look at other organised religions, a lot of them don't try to impose beliefs on others. Now if you want to yell about organised American evangelical Christians, then in right behind you.

    But their issues have barely anything to do with being an "organized religion". And it's super frustrating to be constantly thrown into the same bucket with them.

    You're not wrong but also sadly religions that hate the LGTBQ+ community are not limited to evangelical christians. Or even just christians.

    ShadowfireElvenshae
  • lonelyahavalonelyahava Call me Ahava ~~She/Her~~ Move to New ZealandRegistered User regular
    Not disagreeing.

    I've just been trying to be a bit more reactive to being lumped into the same boat as them.

    Anyways, not a crucial discussion.

    Cauld
  • urahonkyurahonky Registered User regular
    3 year old today, out of nowhere, asked us to give her the eye drops... Without screaming at us. I'm still in shock.

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  • CauldCauld Registered User regular
    Not disagreeing.

    I've just been trying to be a bit more reactive to being lumped into the same boat as them.

    Anyways, not a crucial discussion.

    I agree with this and appreciate the attempt to not lump all religious people together. I know plenty of very liberal religious people.

    Thankfully, I haven't had to have a discussion with my kids about religion, religious motivations or anything like that yet. I'm really dreading it.

  • kimekime Queen of Blades Registered User regular
    Yeah, Covid had meant that we've never really had to make a decision yet re: taking the kid to a religious place or not.

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  • Kayne Red RobeKayne Red Robe Master of Magic ArcanusRegistered User regular
    Point of order, but it's not just "organised religion" that does that. The "organised" part is not the post that tries to impose beliefs on others, but instead lets those that believe similarly do so together, as a group. An organized group.

    And even still, if you look at other organised religions, a lot of them don't try to impose beliefs on others. Now if you want to yell about organised American evangelical Christians, then in right behind you.

    But their issues have barely anything to do with being an "organized religion". And it's super frustrating to be constantly thrown into the same bucket with them.

    It's also frustrating when people talk about sexual assault but it's not helpful for me to chime in "Not all men". I think you're going to have to make peace with the fact that your cool religious group is going to get lumped in with the awful religious groups that form the majority of folks' interactions with religion.

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  • dennisdennis aka bingley Registered User regular
    Yeah, while not wanting lonelyahava to feel attacked, I have to say I'll keep railing about organized religion even though my mom belongs to an organized religion while not toeing their line on many issues. Similarly, I'll keep saying "I hate the Republican party" even though one of my best friends is a Republican (who hates Trump and saw through him from the beginning).

    Yes, there is a bit of an ouroboros with these things where the people in the group are driving the agenda in the group, and the agenda of the group is then further programming the members of the group. But there could be real change if the people that are in charge of these groups changed their message. They have much more power over it than the people at the "bottom" who will often follow their leadership. That's why I fault the group even though some of their members are just fine.

    But this is probably all I'll say about it in this thread because it's a pretty big derail.

    Elvenshaeurahonky
  • urahonkyurahonky Registered User regular
    urahonky wrote: »
    3 year old today, out of nowhere, asked us to give her the eye drops... Without screaming at us. I'm still in shock.

    And we're back to screaming and fighting. It was good while it lasted.

  • lonelyahavalonelyahava Call me Ahava ~~She/Her~~ Move to New ZealandRegistered User regular
    Tonight, while stalling bedtime, Ellie and to read a book with me.

    Clever girl knows my weak spots.

    Fine, but a short book. Get one of your Matariki books.

    "How about this book, Mama?"

    And she holds up my old copy of "Go, dog, go!"

    Sure, but you're going to read it to me.


    And sure enough, other than a few stumble on the Wh-words she read the whole book. And seeing as that was also my very first book that I could read by myself, I near about cried.

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  • dennisdennis aka bingley Registered User regular
    Tonight, while stalling bedtime, Ellie and to read a book with me.

    Clever girl knows my weak spots.

    Fine, but a short book. Get one of your Matariki books.

    "How about this book, Mama?"

    And she holds up my old copy of "Go, dog, go!"

    Sure, but you're going to read it to me.


    And sure enough, other than a few stumble on the Wh-words she read the whole book. And seeing as that was also my very first book that I could read by myself, I near about cried.

    I still have very special memories of that book, and made sure it was part of their childhood as well. I was more than a little annoyed when my wife bought a board book version that completely rewrote the story and abridged a lot of the drawings.

    But I made sure to overwrite that with plenty of reads of the canonical version.

    lonelyahavaElvenshae
  • TastyfishTastyfish Registered User regular
    edited June 24
    The hits keep coming, friends.

    Last night, while going to bed, my darling child advised me that she didn't want me dropping her off at school. It would be embarrassing.

    But why? I asked, expecting the usual "ugh parents" thing.

    No. That is not what I got.

    It's embarrassing because I don't want the other kids to see your tummy and make fun of you and hurt your feelings, mommy. So it would be embarrassing for them to see you.

    Oh.

    Child then proceeded to roll over and fall asleep. From how she said it, she seems to be wanting to protect my feelings instead of saying she's embarrassed by mommy being fat. But that second part is coming.


    I knew that we would need to have talks about body positivity. About being accepting and not needing to look a certain way. I have books that o bought for this purpose.

    I just thought I'd have at least another 2 years ago minimum, so when she was about 8, before I'd need to get really into it.

    But no. She's started to absorb all that societal bullshit about body and beauty standards at Six.

    Six.

    Fuck the patriarchy.

    Not looking for advice, just venting.

    God this touched a nerve, let us know how it goes if you can.

    All I can remember at that age was whether mummy's fingernails were longer than my friend's parents and perhaps long enough to fight a whale.
    I think we ended up agreeing that all mother's fingernails were long, but that might not be the characteristic to fight a whale, so we made a dragon out of egg boxes and cardboard instead.

    [edit] Dwelling on this, at least in my mind as I remember it as prime Dragon instigator, the Dragon was Puff the Magic Dragon, who lived by the sea. We reckoned he would be friends with the whale.
    I was eventually quite annoyed when the spiralling dragon project got adopted by the class as a thing they were doing as I think this started when the main teacher was away. So when they came back, the answer to "so what have you been doing" was "this massive fucking green cardboard dragon". Annoyingly, the founders never got to do the head.

    Tastyfish on
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  • urahonkyurahonky Registered User regular
    Watched my son suck the pizza sauce out of the packet they give you with the Lunchables and then last night wouldn't eat my homemade lasagna because he doesn't like red sauce.

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  • dennisdennis aka bingley Registered User regular
    Yeah, but your lasagna probably had a flavor other than salt.

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  • AbsoluteZeroAbsoluteZero The new film by Quentin Koopantino Registered User regular
    The wife and I have been sick every single day since our kid started daycare, and it's been like 2 and a half weeks. Somehow he has no symptoms and no fever, while mom and dad are coughing up lung butter nonstop and generally feel like hell. I've taken 3 different COVID tests and they've all been negative, at least. I really hope this ends soon, but I assume our little one is just going to keep bringing home new and fun germs from petri dish academy.

    cs6f034fsffl.jpg
    AntinumericSleepCarpyKayne Red RobelonelyahavadiscriderCelestialBadgerDisruptedCapitalist
  • urahonkyurahonky Registered User regular
    Yeah my kids put my immune system through the ringer. I went from barely sick to using almost all of my PTO because of it.

    Jebus314CelestialBadger
  • urahonkyurahonky Registered User regular
    Found out that my youngest (3) has to get tubes again. One of them never fell out and the other ear has some fluid. Ugh. Hate to put her under again but ear infections are the worst.

    Elvenshae
  • JebusUDJebusUD Adventure! Candy IslandRegistered User regular
    My 2 year old pooped in the potty today with encouragement from her brother because I said they could both have candy if he got her to go on the potty. So they both pooped together, him on the real one and her on the training one, because she thinks he's the coolest guy.

    Whoo hoo poop. Whoo hoo bribes.

    I write you a story
    But it loses its thread
    CarpySummaryJudgmentdennisCauldkimeElvenshaeAbsoluteZeroKayne Red RobelonelyahavaRanlindjmitchellaShadowfirematt has a problemSatanic Jesushonovere
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