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I would if I knew who he was.
Anyway, the best TV (book, movie) detective is Poirot.
Watch The Rockford Files and call to see if Paul can score some weed.
Whose voice is like even sexier treacle, so I’m not seeing the problem
A shame about all the misogyny, homophobia, and general toxic masculinity, though.
Jim Rockford is 70s detective who lives in a trailer on the beach, charges $200 a day plus expenses, is constantly getting arrested or hounded by (generally corrupt) cops, and hates using guns, though he will in a pinch.
He also drives a sweet car, that is constantly getting wrecked, loves tacos, hangs out with his dad fishing, and is James Garner.
Jim Rockford rules.
The greatest half-boiled detective of all
Rockford’s the best all around dude, but he loses, fucks up, and gets his clients killed on a regular basis. He’s a noir hero, and a decent detective on a more human level.
His Grace, His Excellency, The Duke of Ankh; Commander Sir Samuel Vimes' streetwise detective work is top notch, and he runs a clean Guard.
He employs Nobby and Fred Colon. So a mostly clean Guard.
Don't forget Blackboard Monitor
nobby is clean, just very very dumb
and unwashed
His introductory scene is him checking for unlocked properties on his beat so he can nick stuff
His time in the traffic department included dressing up as an old lady and crossing the road very slowly while Colon gave parking tickets to the ensuing traffic jam
He's only tolerated by Vimes because of his street smarts
Oh yeah??? Well I missed that and apologize!
Columbo dumps his cheese right into the eggs and whisks them together when making an omelette. That is good.
Effective: If you can't get the job done, what good are you? Rated from 0 (never solves a case) to 20 (unbeatable crime-stopping machine); rated in double-steps (because this is especially important)
Compassionate: Do they take care of people, foster positive relationships, and see people as a case or as a person? Rated from 0 (your stereotypical "cold genius" archetypes) to 10 (kindhearted superheroes).
Cop: Are they a cop? Rated from 0 (actively antagonistic towards police) to -10 (active serving member of a police force)
Flexible: You need to be adaptive to a variety of situations to be a great TV detective. Rated 0 (trapped in a mold, almost restrictively so), to 10 (capable of fitting into any situation, any setting, and any case)
Entertaining: This is TV, after all. Rated from 0 (universally panned) to 10 (a legend of the medium)
It is my theory that if you apply this metric across the board, you'll find most TV detectives fall into a predictable bell curve.
Jim Rockford, for instance...
Effective: 10 He generally solves the case, but, as was correctly pointed out, at a high price. That all balances out to a nice, round 10/20.
Compassionate: 6 Try as he might, he can't help but care for people. Not the warmest and most welcoming, but he does have a heart of gold at the end of the day.
Cop: -3 Actively antagonistic towards most police, but does have friends within the force.
Flexible: 8 A smooth operator if ever there was one. Not the guy you'd want in a gunfight, but from fistfights to interrogations, he keeps his cool and blends in effortlessly.
Entertaining: 10 The quintessential "lovable mess of an antihero detective," he defined a generation of TV detectives, with stylistic touches that are still used today.
Total score (from -10 to 50): 30 Just above the curve.
Columbo, meanwhile:
Effective: 20 He knows you did it before you did it. And he knows the one thing that's going to get you.
Compassionate: 5 We don't get much of a glimpse of a social life; purports to have a wife and family, but these may be fabrications. 5 is a reasonable facsimile of a rating here.
Cop: -5 Actively serving member of the police force, but ethical and with little regard for his position. (Revised from -10; explanation below!)
Flexible: 7 A world-class cook with an encyclopedic knowledge, and a cunning ability to be underestimated. Not the most flexible, but (appropriately enough) deceptively flexible.
Entertaining: 10 Again, a legend of the medium. His influence cannot be denied.
Total score (from -10 to 50): 37 Again, a strong entry, ahead of the curve.
IMDb TV, which is accessible through the Amazon Prime video app without a subscription (1st season available), or watchable online (the entire series)
John Cassavetes just bludgeoned Blythe Danner to death!
Like with Columbo, I think it's fine to dock him points for being part of that system, but not the full 10 because he's pretty straightforward/honest about his position and doesn't hold it over people, as far as that goes. More of a -5 or -6 (compared to like half the characters The Wire, who would rate around a -40).
This is probably a fair adjustment to the metric.
After an internal review, the new guideline is "A member of a police force is an automatic -5 minimum, with how noble a cop you are rated from -5 to -10. Non-cops can still achieve a rating of -5 or below, depending on how intrinsically tied to the police force they are."
Which bumps Columbo from a 32 to realistically a 37, considerably ahead of the curve and likely one of the highest results on the field. Which feels right.
We just debated this, and this is what we determined:
Effective: 16 Universally gets his culprit, but is prone to chase after a red herring on his way to the catch.
Compassionate: 4 Deeply loves the people he loves. Generally dislikes people outside of that.
Cop: -5 Is not literally a cop, but paid for by the police. Wants to be a police officer.
Flexible: 4 Ends up in a huge variety of situations. NEVER wants to be there.
Entertaining: 8 Hugely influential in defining the "USA Network Characters Welcome" detective genre. A wonderful performance by Tony Shaloub, marred by some considerable insensitivity that was common of the time.
Final Score: 27 Just above the curve.
hard to say; while i'm culturally familiar with J-Fletch, I've never truly dug into Murder, She Wrote
where would you rate her, @Rorshach Kringle
I think that's a great way to measure it, and I'm sure the ghost of Columbo appreciates it (although I'm sure he'd have just one more question about it).
as for ratings:
effective: 17 jessica fletcher will absolutely get the killer in the end, but she has a habit of getting in way too over her head because of her snooping.
compassionate: 10 her greatest asset is her compassion; she will help anyone out of a jam -- particularly her constantly being framed for murder nephew, grady
cop: -3 she absolutely has no respect for the police if they get in her way/disagree with her, but has too many cop friends to overlook.
flexible: 6 jessica fletcher will flourish in any scenario you drop her in, but her toolset is solely dedicated to murders and no other crimes.
entertaining: 10 angela lansbury is an absolute delight, there are no tools in her kit she doesn't bust out at least once over the course of the show, and the universal appeal of a sassy older lady solving crimes can never be underplayed.
final score: 40 just the absolute best
Columbo is the anti-DM. He's the player who takes the DM's perfectly crafted storyline and cracks it over his knee with a series of impeccably timed crit insight checks.
1. she lives in new england: cabot cove! in maine!
2. most of the cases she solves are not in her hometown. like, i can only think of a handful
3. how dare you
That would put her roughly on par with Columbo (who I could see being a 6 in Flexibility for the same reason) which feels right