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Old Acquaintance I've Been Giving Money to Has Started Requesting Far More Recently
Hexmage-PA
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Registered User regular
So around June last year an old acquaintance of mine I hadn't seen in nearly 10 years began posting on Facebook saying that they were very bad off financially and asking for aid. After a few weeks of this I decided that I'd step-up and help them if no one else would. From June last year to January this year I sent them about $600 total. They didn't request much or very often, and sometimes I'd feel generous and give them more than they were asking for.
The reason I'm posting this thread, though, is because in the last thirty days they've been asking for money way more often, four times in the last week alone. I've given them $550, almost as much as I gave them from June 2020 to January 2021. I was initially happy to help them out because I knew they were struggling from their posts on Facebook, and especially because they're a trans individual (I've been using "they" here as a means to help cover their identity), but 1) I can't afford to send them $550 a month from now on, and 2) when they couldn't get ahold of me for the last 24 hours (my phone service ran out yesterday and I was too busy with schoolwork to notice) they sent me six messages and tried to call me with Facebook Messenger thirteen times (by call, I mean they let it ring once and hang up, which they've done before; I guess they're too anxious to speak to me but it's honestly very irritating).
Earlier in the month I tried to justify to myself that giving them money was my "tithe", that maybe I should give at least 10% of my income to someone less fortunate than me, but $550 is way more than 10% of my income (my money is coming from TRA, which is essentially unemployment benefits).
I'm at a loss for how to proceed here. I don't like the idea of not giving them what they ask for because I don't want them to suffer, but if they're going to start asking for about $600 a month from me then I can't oblige. Part of me is hoping this is just a temporary thing, that they're just in a very bad place right now and they'll go back to asking for the more manageable amount that I can afford to give, but I can't know that for certain.
What should I do in this situation?
The reason I'm posting this thread, though, is because in the last thirty days they've been asking for money way more often, four times in the last week alone. I've given them $550, almost as much as I gave them from June 2020 to January 2021. I was initially happy to help them out because I knew they were struggling from their posts on Facebook, and especially because they're a trans individual (I've been using "they" here as a means to help cover their identity), but 1) I can't afford to send them $550 a month from now on, and 2) when they couldn't get ahold of me for the last 24 hours (my phone service ran out yesterday and I was too busy with schoolwork to notice) they sent me six messages and tried to call me with Facebook Messenger thirteen times (by call, I mean they let it ring once and hang up, which they've done before; I guess they're too anxious to speak to me but it's honestly very irritating).
Earlier in the month I tried to justify to myself that giving them money was my "tithe", that maybe I should give at least 10% of my income to someone less fortunate than me, but $550 is way more than 10% of my income (my money is coming from TRA, which is essentially unemployment benefits).
I'm at a loss for how to proceed here. I don't like the idea of not giving them what they ask for because I don't want them to suffer, but if they're going to start asking for about $600 a month from me then I can't oblige. Part of me is hoping this is just a temporary thing, that they're just in a very bad place right now and they'll go back to asking for the more manageable amount that I can afford to give, but I can't know that for certain.
What should I do in this situation?
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It sucks to have to say no to friends or family, but sometimes it is necessary. And the longer you put it off, the more painful yanking that band-aid is going to be.
You can try and explain the difference between 600 (over 7 months last year), and 600 dollars (last month), but the more you try and explain the more it'll feel like you're making an excuse. At the very most, something like "I can send you $X, but $Y is more than I can afford."
I know this sucks. It sucked when I had to tell my sibling that I couldn't pay for their car repair bill. It sucks looking at the caller ID and thinking "Hey, it's my family member or friend, let's see how much they want today". It sucks dodging phone calls and reaching out to others to find out how much they need (Hey dad, I missed a call from Sibling, do you know how much they need?). It sucks hearing that voice in your head screaming that they only reach out to you when they need something. It sucks feeling guilty because you can't help them as much as you want. There's no end to the sucking in this situation. Sorry, but that should be acknowledged, and you should be prepared to accept that you're in a sucking situation that's getting worse.
But this part Is unacceptable harassment in any case. If it were me receiving these, I'd be very tempted to send an angry, terse, quite possibly profanity laced, response followed by blocking them through all social media I could.
But, I may be an asshole here.
I would say the best thing you could do is direct them to community support services or financial assistance programs relevant to their situation.
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Forget it...
So in my opinion, in this situation, the things you should do are a) stop giving this person money until you are in a more stable financial position yourself, and b) not give them or anyone else any sum of money at any point under any circumstance that you are not very, very comfortable with both financially and emotionally and it sounds like you are neither right now.
I've steadily given the same amount for quite a while, because it's what I can afford and I don't miss the money. I know I could put it towards paying down my own debt faster, but I'm also honest with myself in that I would probably not spend that money on anything better than helping out someone else.
That said: If I ever were in a position where I was without a job or came under heavy financial hardship, I'd tell the person I'd have to cut back, if not stop completely. It's super tough relying on the generosity of others, and it's even harder to ask for help.. but you have to be in a place where you are able to help when you can.
This world sucks. I understand the drive to make it better. But it isn't healthy to give someone the shirt off your back if you can't get more shirts yourself.
And then ghost their calls. And if they called more than twice after the message, block them and screen your calls for a couple of weeks.
A buddy of mine was in a similar situation and they were helping out some friends, and they lost their job, and the “friends“ were still asking for money. They ended up losing their townhouse.
Hoping that they'll do the opposite of what they are currently doing is not a strategy that will bring you anything good. Right now they are dramatically accelerating their cash demands. If you have an amount that you can comfortably give them, offer them that and tell them that you are sorry, but that is all you can spare. If that amount is zero then, if you are uncomfortable saying completely saying no, then offer whatever non-money aid you are able to do (help finding emergency support, a meal, or just an ear to listen). It sounds like they are not actually friend, but an acquaintance from a while back, so it is important to realize that you don't actually owe them anything at all and can pull the plug altogether with little personal repercussion. Anything you give has to be something you -want- to give and if you can't give anymore, that does not reflect poorly on you, at all.
I know logically that I don't really owe this person anything, but I guess since I personally felt bad for a long time and hated that other people didn't help me, I wanted to be a person that could provide help I wish other people would have provided me. I actually did this for another person for most of last year, as well, though instead of money they needed someone to help them stave-off depression for most of the year until they could arrange to move-in with an old friend several states over.
In the latter case, though, this was someone I actually met-up with in person weekly for months, and we developed a genuine friendship and still talk often (we spoke for about two hours over the phone a couple of days ago, in fact). This other person, as I said, I haven't seen in years and have really only ever considered an acquaintance, so perhaps it was foolish of me to offer so much aid to someone that I don't really know is telling the truth about their situation and could just be taking advantage of me.
I'm thinking I may try to get in contact with someone I do consider a friend from back then who knows the person I've been lending money to to ask their opinion on the situation.
The harassment you're now suffering is another red flag.
I think speaking to a mutual acquaintance to see what's actually happening is a good idea.
If you still want to send them money I think you should reduce the amount to something more affordable and be strict with them as to what to expect from you.
It doesn't sound like you have evidence of that given that they don't even wait to talk to you over the phone on Messenger Calls?
Like, it's a person who disappeared only to reappear begging for money on the regular on main, who you have only talked to via text, and who has escalated to a worrying degree and gone above and beyond to targeted harassment when the money stopped
This screams scam/catfish to me
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There is this guy, who every now and again goes off his meds. As people who require meds to function are sometimes wont to do. He will decide everyone trying to help him is actually trying to poison him, and begin begging internet strangers for money and/or transport to escape his "abusers". He can be at once frantic, incoherent, and yet strangely compelling.
Eventually he gets a few nibbles on his hook, relocates, burns the bridges, his family locates him again, gets him healthy, everyone is relieved things have returned to "normal". But the internet randos, as well as the old and distant acquittances, that intercede to "help" him when he's not in his right mind are the bane of his friend's and family's existence.
The difference between helping and enabling can be extremely opaque at a great distance.
It sounds like you might have had both A and B established in the beginning of this thing, but you now no longer control the amount or the frequency of the gifts. I would honestly suggest taking a few months off from giving this person any money, and then if you still want to you can re-establish it later with strict rules you both respect. It sounds like you've already given more than you are comfortable with, so it's already crossed an important line.
Given you've expressed that you are essentially on unemployment right now, I strongly recommend that you stop giving this person money and start looking after your own finances. Consider that if you had put this money in something like the S&P 500 and just reinvested any gains, you would likely see this amount at least triple, if not nearly quadruple, in 20 years, which is a significant windfall when you no longer have any appreciable income to rely on.
You can't give someone a pirate ship in one game, and then take it back in the next game. It's rude.
I like rainy day funds much better, because they don't have to be for your rainy days alone. You can put aside some each month, and then if someone has an emergency they can't pay for you can offer to help with it. Something like car repairs, a trip to urgent care, a day off and a flight to attend a funeral, etc. can be enough to throw off the precarious paycheck-to-paycheck situation of someone in your life, and if you can take that off their shoulders you also give them back the money they'll save on not falling farther behind. That's the way my husband and I like to do things best. And honestly, the person who needs it may end up being you, and you should consider keeping around enough for at least a trip to urgent care and a course of antibiotics.
Helping others is great and you should do it, but if you aren't responsible about it you run the very real risk of again becoming the person who needs it.
I went ahead and made a group Facebook Messenger post with the people who knew them about the situation and asked them not to say anything about me if they contacted them.
EDIT: I also just went through and checked all my privacy settings on Facebook and Instagram, and restricted message requests from people I'm not friends with on those services.
It's good to be generous, attentive to those around you, to share what you have, especially when what you have is already limited.
But you also have to look out for yourself. Not just immediate needs, but prepping for the future. Whether that's retirement, or a rainy day fund as Ceres notes, all of us have limited means (some more limited than others), and the sad reality is that sometimes the most important thing to do is to step back and make sure that we ourselves are stable and secure enough to be assisting others.
It's incredibly generous of you to help someone like that, especially someone so distant. But it can't be without limits. Pitching in $5 or $10 a month to a Patreon is one thing, but when you're starting to talk hundreds of dollars and cresting into the thousand+ range, especially at a financially precarious time for yourself (on some level, at least) that it's not only sensible to step back and rein in expenses, but perhaps the smartest course of action you can take.
I know it sucks to not feel able to assist as you once could, but situations change. You can't be their sole source of support, and if you are (or a major one), it can't be a figurative rock that drags you down, financially and emotionally.
You're doing the right thing.
...but I also get the feeling that if I'd tried to explain things first I wouldn't have been able to go through with it.
You said you reached out to mutual acquaintances? What did they have to say?
I should note that if ghosting them is what you need to feel safe and secure (which I know you aren't there yet), then that's a good thing. If you are afraid of retaliation, and/or them doing something and placing the guilt on you, then it wasn't a healthy relationship.
One of them mentioned the person I've been talking about asked him if there was anything they could do for him in exchange for money a few weeks ago.
To be honest the fact that you feel this much guilt and anxiety is a little concerning, as either it could mean there is some real risk of harm coming to you or you are placing too much emotional value into this person's feelings when they seem to just be using you. Or both.
Like, "Do you have any odd jobs / random tasks?" or like, "No, seriously, anything ..."?
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Not trying to diminish your feelings here, but is there anything they've said or done to make you feel like you need to be concerned about retaliation to this degree? Like, other than being upset they don't get money, they might come find you?
Completely cutting off contact is basically a must in this situation, but you should try to figure out if the rest of this is guilt talking, or real fear for your safety. The two have very different remedies.
Hey, so, as ceres mentioned, I went through something very much like this a few months ago. Some of the specifics are slightly different but it's an extremely similar situation. You can look up the thread ceres mentioned if you want more context.
The key thing that stood out to me in your story is the total timeline of this person asking for help and receiving continual aid from you, and then how the frequency increased exponentially. That's how it was for me. And I really wanted to believe the person I was aiding, for many of the same reasons as you, but ultimately, it got to be too much. It was really wearing on my soul, to be honest, to continue helping. She was becoming dependent on me, which didn't feel good. And she started throwing the "L" word around in a way that I really distrusted and frankly wasn't interested in anyway. We had never had any romantic entanglement at any point...so every time she throw that word out, it probably had the exact opposite effect she intended and I died a little inside and I started to feel trapped and depressed and I lived in fear of getting another text from her because I knew I would just feel like shit again. And she was texting every 2-3 days for money.
Eventually, I told her flat out that my financial situation changed and that she needed to stop asking me for money. I then muted her texts. I didn't block her, I just didn't respond and through sheer force of will I stopped even reading her texts. They eventually petered out. Months went by and then right after Christmas I got a call from a strange number and I have no idea why but I responded. I actually had to ask "who is this?" because I barely remembered her voice - we had only communicated through text for about half a year. She was using a friend's phone. After she said who it was, she immediately started crying. Even though I still feel badly, I was caught off guard as I thought I had closed the book on her long ago. I basically just interrupted her spiel, told her I couldn't help her anymore, and that I had to go. I think she started to mutter "OK" but I was already hanging up at that point. I immediately blocked her from Facebook, Instagram, Venmo, etc.. I even blocked her from sites we had never connected on.
I also, like you, was immediately a bit scared because she has my exact address. I gave it to her once because we were planning to collaborate on a photoshoot. Ultimately, nothing happened. And while everyone is different, I wouldn't stress out about that.
The lesson I learned was this: I still think it's good to want to help people, but you have to be careful and you have to place yourself first, always. You are entitled to have your own safe space, both mentally/emotionally and financially, that you yourself maintain. I understand tithing. I understand wanting to aid someone with literally no ulterior motive (from you) or even without any platonic interest in the subject of aid. But...you need to take care of yourself first. I went through mental hell. Sounds like you did too. But you did nothing wrong in the end. Maybe not even the beginning either. You were taken advantage of, even if this person really legitimately needed aid. That's the bottom line. But don't beat yourself about it and I think it's highly unlikely that this person will somehow retaliate. Really, the best thing you can do is recognized that, through your agency, you have removed this person from your life. They are not your responsibility. Then, just go on living. This whole thing will fade away eventually.
So, this tells me something: You're not the only one they're trying to get money from, and likely not the only one giving them money.
There's an upside and downside to this. The downside is that they're a little more shameless and dishonest about taking advantage of people (Note: I'm not saying *scam* - somebody can legitimately need money and still be taking advantage of people willing to give). The upside is that what you've done is part of the cycle they're in - effectively a mark that has run dry. More likely than retaliating is you'll just go back to never hearing from them again.