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You vs 1 billion ants

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    DarmakDarmak RAGE vympyvvhyc vyctyvyRegistered User regular
    You
    Veldrin wrote: »
    Imagine an ant bit you on your eyeball or dick

    I had a fire ant bite me on the dick before. They chewed their way into our home through the grout in the shower and it crawled up on me and bit my dick (and one bit my balls for good measure).

    Ain't peed right since

    JtgVX0H.png
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    JuggernutJuggernut Registered User regular
    1 billion ants
    Cartoons are susceptible to cartoon physics I would simply paint a cliff wall to look like a tunnel and he would run directly into it and then shatter into 1,000 pieces.

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    UrielUriel Registered User regular
    1 billion ants
    Weaver wrote: »
    Could you defeat one billion aunts

    Oh god even the strongest can't defeat an agro aunt, you just learn to hide.

    Even the nice ones will pinch your cheeks clean off

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    JuggernutJuggernut Registered User regular
    1 billion ants
    Darmak wrote: »
    Veldrin wrote: »
    Imagine an ant bit you on your eyeball or dick

    I had a fire ant bite me on the dick before. They chewed their way into our home through the grout in the shower and it crawled up on me and bit my dick (and one bit my balls for good measure).

    Ain't peed right since

    You gotta marry those ants now you know them biblically as such

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    DarmakDarmak RAGE vympyvvhyc vyctyvyRegistered User regular
    You
    Juggernut wrote: »
    Darmak wrote: »
    Veldrin wrote: »
    Imagine an ant bit you on your eyeball or dick

    I had a fire ant bite me on the dick before. They chewed their way into our home through the grout in the shower and it crawled up on me and bit my dick (and one bit my balls for good measure).

    Ain't peed right since

    You gotta marry those ants now you know them biblically as such

    They are my spicy wives and I love them very much

    JtgVX0H.png
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    JuggernutJuggernut Registered User regular
    1 billion ants
    Petition to rename fire ants to Spicy Wives effective immediately all in favor say aye

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    Raijin QuickfootRaijin Quickfoot I'm your Huckleberry YOU'RE NO DAISYRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    1 billion ants
    Veldrin wrote: »
    Imagine an ant bit you on your eyeball or dick

    No

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    UrielUriel Registered User regular
    1 billion ants
    I would attempt to befriend the ants

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    #pipe#pipe Cocky Stride, Musky odours Pope of Chili TownRegistered User regular
    1 billion ants
    Like straight up, this dude gets stung a couple of times by bullet ants and needed morphine.
    https://youtu.be/gAg6v9KYtXk

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    LanzLanz ...Za?Registered User regular
    > Barter with Ants with food, demonstrating utility to the Ants

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    WeaverWeaver Who are you? What do you want?Registered User regular
    You
    I got stung/bit by a moqsuito on my right eye while riding a bike as a kid in Germany. Mom had to fish the mosquito corpse out from under my eyelid on the top of my eyeball, eye was swollen for a while.

    As a teen I chemically treated a neighborhood cockroach infestation.

    Today there was a gnat in my apartment but I smacked it in a clap.

    Bugs ain't shit.

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    WinkyWinky rRegistered User regular
    Here put your hand in this:
    https://youtu.be/XEWmynRcEEQ

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    WeaverWeaver Who are you? What do you want?Registered User regular
    You
    The only reason I'm being a bit convoluted anti-bug is to counter the pro-bug ant-archist commune.

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    ProhassProhass Registered User regular
    theres no way id have the cardio to squish that many ants, even if they were utterly docile

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    TefTef Registered User regular
    1 billion ants
    https://youtu.be/W4jWAwUb63c

    I’m with Kent

    help a fellow forumer meet their mental health care needs because USA healthcare sucks!

    Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better

    bit.ly/2XQM1ke
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    VeldrinVeldrin Sham bam bamina Registered User regular
    Darmak wrote: »
    Veldrin wrote: »
    Imagine an ant bit you on your eyeball or dick

    I had a fire ant bite me on the dick before. They chewed their way into

    I need you to understand just how forcefully my skeleton tried to exit my body at this point of the post

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    WinkyWinky rRegistered User regular
    This thread made me want to go check up on AntsCanada to see what he's up to now and apparently he bought a goddamn forest for keeping ants in??

    Anyway I like his videos:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5TbCHxQRTE

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    3cl1ps33cl1ps3 I will build a labyrinth to house the cheese Registered User regular
    You
    again I stress, different ant species do not work together, they fight until one of them runs out of ants

    you have nothing to fear here

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    DarkPrimusDarkPrimus Registered User regular
    1 billion ants
    3clips3 wrote: »
    again I stress, different ant species do not work together, they fight until one of them runs out of ants

    you have nothing to fear here

    Sounds like someone didn't read all of the OP before they voted!

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    3cl1ps33cl1ps3 I will build a labyrinth to house the cheese Registered User regular
    edited March 2021
    You
    I mean if we're allowing rules changes to how things work in life in this scenarios then I'm in a car doing donuts over the ants.

    3cl1ps3 on
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    DarmakDarmak RAGE vympyvvhyc vyctyvyRegistered User regular
    You
    Veldrin wrote: »
    Darmak wrote: »
    Veldrin wrote: »
    Imagine an ant bit you on your eyeball or dick

    I had a fire ant bite me on the dick before. They chewed their way into

    I need you to understand just how forcefully my skeleton tried to exit my body at this point of the post

    Gotta admit, I laughed really, really, really fucking hard at this, sorry

    JtgVX0H.png
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    ProhassProhass Registered User regular
    edited March 2021
    Twist, the ants kill me, but realise I brought them all together and my death creates an ant utopia, and they end up worshipping me as like ant Jesus

    Prohass on
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    JuggernutJuggernut Registered User regular
    edited March 2021
    1 billion ants
    3clips3 wrote: »
    I mean if we're allowing rules changes to how things work in life in this scenarios then I'm in a car doing donuts over the ants.

    The ants get in your fuel lines causing your cylinders to misfire and then choke out. They're now in the vents of your car and instead of AC it's ants blowing into your face and ankles. They've jammed the actuator so no matter what you do it keeps blowing ants.

    Somehow they fix the airbag sensor that keeps dinging on the passenger side so there is that

    Juggernut on
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    3cl1ps33cl1ps3 I will build a labyrinth to house the cheese Registered User regular
    You
    thank you ants that dinging was very annoying

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    DarkPrimusDarkPrimus Registered User regular
    1 billion ants
    3clips3 wrote: »
    I mean if we're allowing rules changes to how things work in life in this scenarios then I'm in a car doing donuts over the ants.

    Even a single species of a billion ants in a space to attack one person specifically is outside the realm of reality. Certain parameters must be established or else it simply devolves into an endless stream of "but what ifs" where people imagine wildly differing scenarios to the point where they are not even talking about the same hypothetical.

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    3cl1ps33cl1ps3 I will build a labyrinth to house the cheese Registered User regular
    You
    That's why I'm in a car! Vroom vroom you fuckin' ants!

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    DarkPrimusDarkPrimus Registered User regular
    edited March 2021
    1 billion ants
    3clips3 wrote: »
    That's why I'm in a car! Vroom vroom you fuckin' ants!

    Please don't post while driving.

    DarkPrimus on
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    3cl1ps33cl1ps3 I will build a labyrinth to house the cheese Registered User regular
    You
    You're not my mom!

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    MrMonroeMrMonroe passed out on the floor nowRegistered User regular
    1 billion ants
    Wait wait

    Is it me vs 1bn ants or you vs 1bn ants I'm confused

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    PinfeldorfPinfeldorf Yeah ZestRegistered User regular
    You
    If I was fighting a billion ants, I would simply create a ring of fire around myself and be immune to their antics.

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    VeldrinVeldrin Sham bam bamina Registered User regular
    MrMonroe wrote: »
    Wait wait

    Is it me vs 1bn ants or you vs 1bn ants I'm confused

    It’s you

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    3cl1ps33cl1ps3 I will build a labyrinth to house the cheese Registered User regular
    You
    The ants are close to breaching DP's last fortification and he is desperate for ideas.

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    MrMonroeMrMonroe passed out on the floor nowRegistered User regular
    1 billion ants
    Veldrin wrote: »
    MrMonroe wrote: »
    Wait wait

    Is it me vs 1bn ants or you vs 1bn ants I'm confused

    It’s you

    Well anyone who voted for me is fooling themselves

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    DarkPrimusDarkPrimus Registered User regular
    edited March 2021
    1 billion ants
    3clips3 wrote: »
    The ants are close to breaching DP's last fortification and he is desperate for ideas.

    I already did that gag *checks date stamp*

    TEN YEARS AGO?!

    DarkPrimus on
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    3cl1ps33cl1ps3 I will build a labyrinth to house the cheese Registered User regular
    You
    Christ, we're old.

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    Desert LeviathanDesert Leviathan Registered User regular
    edited March 2021
    1 billion ants
    Assuming a best-case scenario, that I am a 20th level Barbarian who has only ever rolled 12s on his hit dice and has a Constitution Score of 24 (breaking the 20 cap due to the Primal Champion trait), I can have at most 360 hit points. My AC is 23 because of a Ring of Protection (+1), Bracers of Defense (+2), and the Barbarian's ability to calculate AC based on Dex Mod (3) + Con Mod (7). I am wielding a Maul (Magic +3) rather than a 1-handed weapon and shield (as a Shield would be incompatible with the Bracers of Defense, and I need to balance offense). I have the Great Weapon Mastery feat, and the Totem Warrior (Bear) subclass so that I have resistance to exotic damage types while raging.

    Let's assume just for the sake of easy math that a Swarm of Ants occupying a 5'x5' space contains 25,000 individuals, or a thousand ants per square foot. Therefore 8 such swarms can get combat facing on me in a round, while the remaining 39,992 swarms would wait out of range to move in and replace any that I squash. They have a Climb speed, so they should be able to climb onto my body, but the rules don't account for how that may change facing, so we're only going to talk about fighting eight discrete swarms at a time.

    An Insect Swarm has only +3 to hit, which is why I've put my AC right at the sweet spot where they need a 20 to hit. Any higher would be a waste, since a 20 is an auto-hit against any AC. That does mean that every successful hit will be a Critical Hit though, which at least makes average damage easier to calculate. While Raging (which I will be doing for the entire duration of the combat, since the Feral Instinct trait allows me to enter Rage at the same time I roll Initiative), I have damage resistance to everything they can throw at me unless some of the ants somehow deal Psychic Damage. The default Insect Swarm stat block does 4d4 Piercing, but it's reasonable to assume some of these ants will also deal Poison or even Acid damage. On average, every five rounds of combat, two swarms will hit me for 8d4/2 (critical hit/damage resistance) damage, or an average of 10. So, taking 10 damage every 2.5 turns, I can last 90 turns, or roughly 9 minutes. They do hit for half as many dice if below half health, so that will extend the timeline slightly, but not much, since I'll be pretty reliably pulping one swarm per turn.

    Fortunately, I don't need to use my Reckless Attack feature to hit them, because they only have an AC of 12. In fact, I don't need to do anything special at all to hit them. My Strength Score is 24 for a Bonus of +7 (I have used a Manual of Gainful Exercise for an extra 2 to Strength Score and Cap, to make up for optimizing my AC). My Proficiency Bonus is +6. My weapon is a +3 magic item. With a +16 to hit, I can use the Great Weapon Mastery trait to take -5 to hit for +10 damage and still hit an Insect Swarm's 12 AC on anything but a natural 1, which would be an automatic miss anyway. My damage will be 2d6+3 (Magic) +7 (Strength) +4 (Rage) +10 (GWM), for a range of 26-36 damage, and an average of 31. An Insect Swarm has 22 HP, but is resistant to Bludgeoning Damage, essentially doubling that, so even at maximum damage it will still take two strikes to put them down. But minimum damage won't extend that to three strikes. So with a 5% miss chance and two attacks per round, I destroy one insect swarm every turn, and take a second swarm below half health with my bonus action using the Great Weapon Master feat's cleave ability. I can also use my bonus action for an extra strike when I roll a critical hit, but can't do that and cleave attack on the same turn, so it's kind of a wash in this scenario. My critical hits do deal 7d6+24 though, which is pretty fucking sweet. 8d6 if I'm a Half-Orc, but I think for this scenario I would rather be a Yuan-ti Pureblood for the Poison Resistance and consider changing Barbarian subclasses to one with AoE damage options, since the ants who can deal Acid damage are probably rare enough that going without resistance to that damage type won't dramatically change the outcome.

    The math gets complicated here, but suffice it to say, I am not going to be able to pulp 40,000 insect swarms of 25,000 ants each before they can overwhelm me, even with a Barbarian's ludicrous sturdiness, or any of the potential AoE damage options. I will take down probably somewhere between 85 and 135 insect swarms total before being overwhelmed by the remaining 39,915 to 39,865 swarms. And it is at this point that I would reroll as a Wizard, possibly a Winged Tiefling variant (Sword Coast Adventurer's Guide) or an Aarakocra, and solve this problem via Meteor Swarms and the like, then use Fire Bolt to pick off stragglers from out of melee range once my spell slots are exhausted. But becoming a flying artillery piece feels like it's outside of the spirit of the question.

    Edit: I forgot the Relentless Rage feature, which will expand my rampage for an additional 1-6 turns depending on how well I keep up with the scaling Constitution Save each round to keep fighting despite the fact that my body is already dead. +1 extra round for free with no save needed if I am a Half-Orc. Still not enough, but it would be impressive to watch.

    Desert Leviathan on
    Realizing lately that I don't really trust or respect basically any of the moderators here. So, good luck with life, friends! Hit me up on Twitter @DesertLeviathan
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    DidgeridooDidgeridoo Flighty Dame Registered User regular
    1 billion ants
    Ants would absolutely win, I have no illusions of my own prowess in fighting off innumerable hordes of bitey determined creatures

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    jkylefultonjkylefulton Squid...or Kid? NNID - majpellRegistered User regular
    1 billion ants
    Do I get a weapon of some kind?

    tOkYVT2.jpg
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    MysstMysst King Monkey of Hedonism IslandRegistered User regular
    You
    Do I get a weapon of some kind?

    7w17ox14rid8.jpg

    ikbUJdU.jpg
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    Munkus BeaverMunkus Beaver You don't have to attend every argument you are invited to. Philosophy: Stoicism. Politics: Democratic SocialistRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    1 billion ants
    #pipe wrote: »
    Like straight up, this dude gets stung a couple of times by bullet ants and needed morphine.
    https://youtu.be/gAg6v9KYtXk

    Some things.

    Pain of this magnitude causes time dilation. I'm sure those few hours felt like days. It is also far, far easier to use pain medication to stop you from being in pain. It's not that great at overcoming immense pain you are already in.

    Hopefully that guy didn't have some kind of tolerance (i.e. was already taking meds or had red headed ancestors) because hoo boy.

    Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but dies in the process.
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