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Hi, Bad Joke Thread, I'm Dad

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    DisruptedCapitalistDisruptedCapitalist I swear! Registered User regular
    edited May 2021
    How can you tell if someone is vaccinated?
    Ask who won the last election

    DisruptedCapitalist on
    "Simple, real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time." -Mustrum Ridcully in Terry Pratchett's Hogfather p. 142 (HarperPrism 1996)
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    knitdanknitdan In ur base Killin ur guysRegistered User regular
    Rough chuckles there

    “I was quick when I came in here, I’m twice as quick now”
    -Indiana Solo, runner of blades
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    PinfeldorfPinfeldorf Yeah ZestRegistered User regular
    Today I learned Mortal Kombat is based on a millenia-old scandinavian religious song.

    Or, if you would, a Finnish hymn.

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    RingoRingo He/Him a distinct lack of substanceRegistered User regular
    Pinfeldorf wrote: »
    Today I learned Mortal Kombat is based on a millenia-old scandinavian religious song.

    Or, if you would, a Finnish hymn.

    Flawless Victory

    Sterica wrote: »
    I know my last visit to my grandpa on his deathbed was to find out how the whole Nazi werewolf thing turned out.
    Edcrab's Exigency RPG
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    czz6om9s4okf.jpeg

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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    What happens when you drive your luxury car into a tree at 120 MPH?

    The Mercedes bends.

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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    What do you call it when Hamburger Helper helps itself?

    Beef Strokin’ Off

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    RingoRingo He/Him a distinct lack of substanceRegistered User regular
    :bigfrown:

    Sterica wrote: »
    I know my last visit to my grandpa on his deathbed was to find out how the whole Nazi werewolf thing turned out.
    Edcrab's Exigency RPG
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    knitdanknitdan In ur base Killin ur guysRegistered User regular
    Did you see that movie about the tennis player bank robbers?

    It’s called Break Point

    “I was quick when I came in here, I’m twice as quick now”
    -Indiana Solo, runner of blades
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    ChicoBlueChicoBlue Registered User regular
    What do you call it when Hamburger Helper helps itself?

    Beef Strokin’ Off

    I didn't like this the last time I had it.

    Used too much cummin.

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    JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    Ringo wrote: »
    :bigfrown:

    GDdCWMm.jpg
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    Undead ScottsmanUndead Scottsman Registered User regular
    edited May 2021
    What do you call it when Hamburger Helper helps itself?

    Beef Strokin’ Off

    I always heard that as "What do you call masturbating cattle?"

    Undead Scottsman on
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    What do you call it when Hamburger Helper helps itself?

    Beef Strokin’ Off

    I always heard that as "What do you call masturbating cattle?"

    Yeah I was just buying some Hamburger Helper and thought it would be a fun variation on the joke with the whole “helper” thing

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    ToxTox I kill threads he/himRegistered User regular
    Putting this in spoilers because it's a really long joke
    Jooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooke

    Twitter! | Dilige, et quod vis fac
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    [Expletive deleted][Expletive deleted] The mediocre doctor NorwayRegistered User regular
    My dog ran away. My brother suggested hanging up flyers, but I don't see the point.

    Dogs can't read.

    Sic transit gloria mundi.
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    DisruptedCapitalistDisruptedCapitalist I swear! Registered User regular
    Pinfeldorf wrote: »
    Today I learned Mortal Kombat is based on a millenia-old scandinavian religious song.

    Or, if you would, a Finnish hymn.

    Minor nit pick: the Finns aren't Scandinavian. You could say they're Nordic though.

    Speaking of which, why do Nordic boats have barcodes on them?
    Because back in WWII the navies had trouble losing boats, so now when they get back from war they can Scandinavian.

    "Simple, real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time." -Mustrum Ridcully in Terry Pratchett's Hogfather p. 142 (HarperPrism 1996)
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    Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    How do Scandinavian ships communicate with each other?
    Norse code

    [Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
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    DisruptedCapitalistDisruptedCapitalist I swear! Registered User regular
    edited May 2021
    I’ve been working on a Scandinavian joke. It would be Swede if I could Finnish it, but there’s just Norway.

    DisruptedCapitalist on
    "Simple, real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time." -Mustrum Ridcully in Terry Pratchett's Hogfather p. 142 (HarperPrism 1996)
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    I'm recovering from my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

    I turned myself around.

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    PinfeldorfPinfeldorf Yeah ZestRegistered User regular
    When the guy who invented the Hokey Pokey died, they had a real hard time getting him into the coffin.

    You see, they'd put his left foot in...

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    BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    bRouAu2.jpg

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    DisruptedCapitalistDisruptedCapitalist I swear! Registered User regular
    mgfqttedbbbq.jpg

    "Simple, real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time." -Mustrum Ridcully in Terry Pratchett's Hogfather p. 142 (HarperPrism 1996)
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    MechMantisMechMantis Registered User regular
    How do Scandinavian ships communicate with each other?
    Norse code

    That's quite true, but did you know that Danish, Norwegian, and Swedish naval vessels have barcodes on their bows?
    That's so they can scan-de-navy-an!

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    Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    gl1k6v49zze0.jpg

    [Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
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    facetiousfacetious a wit so dry it shits sandRegistered User regular
    ... I don't get that one ...

    "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
    Real strong, facetious.

    Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
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    PinfeldorfPinfeldorf Yeah ZestRegistered User regular
    facetious wrote: »
    ... I don't get that one ...

    What is another word for nope?

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    facetiousfacetious a wit so dry it shits sandRegistered User regular
    OH

    "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
    Real strong, facetious.

    Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
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    BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    1fw2xiG.png

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    djmitchelladjmitchella Registered User regular
    Not strictly speaking a bad joke, but I can't think of a more appropriate thread, either -- we got a new lemon squeezer, and for some reason, this is the artwork on the box:

    fbAALrc.jpg?2

    Is the lemon on the right a hitman that's disposing of the corpse of one of its victims? Is it blind so all it can hear is the screams? Someone has to have made the conscious decision to put those sunglasses on the lemon, but what were they trying to get across when they did?

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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    Not strictly speaking a bad joke, but I can't think of a more appropriate thread, either -- we got a new lemon squeezer, and for some reason, this is the artwork on the box:

    fbAALrc.jpg?2

    Is the lemon on the right a hitman that's disposing of the corpse of one of its victims? Is it blind so all it can hear is the screams? Someone has to have made the conscious decision to put those sunglasses on the lemon, but what were they trying to get across when they did?

    Lémon: The Professional

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    ToxTox I kill threads he/himRegistered User regular
    Schrodinger's cat:
    725d7gbtqavj.jpg

    Twitter! | Dilige, et quod vis fac
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    Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    Not strictly speaking a bad joke, but I can't think of a more appropriate thread, either -- we got a new lemon squeezer, and for some reason, this is the artwork on the box:

    fbAALrc.jpg?2

    Is the lemon on the right a hitman that's disposing of the corpse of one of its victims? Is it blind so all it can hear is the screams? Someone has to have made the conscious decision to put those sunglasses on the lemon, but what were they trying to get across when they did?

    There's one musician known for those little round glasses, which is where my mind went immediately
    It's John Lemon

    [Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    Not too many people know this, but Schrödinger’s funeral was closed casket

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    ElvenshaeElvenshae Registered User regular
    Not too many people know this, but Schrödinger’s funeral was closed casket

    Well, we think it was his funeral, anyway.

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    TaminTamin Registered User regular
    I am, as always, so sorry

    umre3czcmk4n.png

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    MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    Pinfeldorf wrote: »
    What did they call Captain Hook before the crocodile attack?

    Captain Hands.

    He had A LOT of HR complaints.


    I don't care I'm a month late. I just found this new thread.

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    djmitchelladjmitchella Registered User regular
    Two wind turbines have just been set up in a field.

    The first one says to the second one "Looks like we're going to be next to each other for a while, so let's get acquainted. What sort of music do you like?"

    The second one says "Oh, I'm a huge metal fan".

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    BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    XJ6XKyp.jpg

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    BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    eVw9jic.jpeg

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