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Hi, Bad Joke Thread, I'm Dad

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    RingoRingo He/Him a distinct lack of substanceRegistered User regular
    That's telekinesis Chrysler, Kyle Dan!

    Sterica wrote: »
    I know my last visit to my grandpa on his deathbed was to find out how the whole Nazi werewolf thing turned out.
    Edcrab's Exigency RPG
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    knitdanknitdan In ur base Killin ur guysRegistered User regular
    Oh dang you’re right

    I confused it with the Merc Topaz, because we had one of each at various points in my youth

    “I was quick when I came in here, I’m twice as quick now”
    -Indiana Solo, runner of blades
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    FeralFeral MEMETICHARIZARD interior crocodile alligator ⇔ ǝɹʇɐǝɥʇ ǝᴉʌoɯ ʇǝloɹʌǝɥɔ ɐ ǝʌᴉɹp ᴉRegistered User regular
    The Geek wrote: »
    Green wrote: »
    I do a Joke Of The Day with my students, and since we're about to go on Spring Break I had to give them enough punnage to survive the drought


    What kind of car does a chicken drive?
    A minicoop!



    Just kidding, a Yolkswagon!




    Just kidding AGAIN, a hatchback!
    Just kidding once more! A Ford Eggsplorer!

    The rich ones drive Mercedes-Maybachbachbachbaaaachbagachs.

    every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.

    the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
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    FeralFeral MEMETICHARIZARD interior crocodile alligator ⇔ ǝɹʇɐǝɥʇ ǝᴉʌoɯ ʇǝloɹʌǝɥɔ ɐ ǝʌᴉɹp ᴉRegistered User regular
    Yolkswagens are German, but on the French border I hear their Cabri-poulets are popular.

    every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.

    the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
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    BlitzAce1981BlitzAce1981 Registered User regular
    Feral wrote: »
    The Geek wrote: »
    Green wrote: »
    I do a Joke Of The Day with my students, and since we're about to go on Spring Break I had to give them enough punnage to survive the drought


    What kind of car does a chicken drive?
    A minicoop!



    Just kidding, a Yolkswagon!




    Just kidding AGAIN, a hatchback!
    Just kidding once more! A Ford Eggsplorer!

    The rich ones drive Mercedes-Maybachbachbachbaaaachbagachs.

    The even richer ones have a Koenigsegg.

    PSN ID - BlitzAce1981 FFXIV - Raiden Solitaire (Sargatanas)
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    2akmpmx0147l.jpeg

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    ElvenshaeElvenshae Registered User regular
    edited April 1
    I don't think this counts as a classic Dad joke, but I'm a Dad and it was my joke and now I'll be subjecting you all to it.

    So I took my wife and kids to the Museum of Modern Art in NYC the other day, and there they have a room dedicated to a bit of art by a guy named John Giorno. It was called Dial-A-Poem, and it was revolutionary back in the 1950s when it was first put together: he had a hotline that anyone could call in and get a poem read out to them. John Giorno had asked a bunch of his poet friends to read their stuff, which he recorded, and then played back a random one (or grouping of a handful of shorter poems) using industrial-scale answering machines when someone called in. There was a listing of some of the randomly selected poets on the larger list (including one "Penny Arcade," probably no relation?) that you could dial in and hear in the room, using the rotary-style phones secured to the desks. My kids, of course, insisted that they get to listen to one.

    Anyway, my oldest goes to one of the phones and, after being instructed on how the heck one dials a rotary phone, entered a number and held the phone to his hear. A minute or so later he puts it down. "What kind of poem did you get?" I asked. "I think this one's broken; I didn't hear anything!" he responds.

    "Oh," says I, "it's not broken; you just got the one by Philip Glass."

    ED: The phone number if you want to try it yourself is +1 (917) 994-8949. Potential bad language warning. :D

    Elvenshae on
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    LucedesLucedes might be real Registered User regular
    i refuse to date anyone who's really into eating crab, lobster, oysters, or clams

    they're shellfish lovers

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    facetiousfacetious a wit so dry it shits sandRegistered User regular
    0y46l7y5zo8e.jpg

    "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
    Real strong, facetious.

    Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
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    sarukunsarukun RIESLING OCEANRegistered User regular
    2akmpmx0147l.jpeg

    Fuck.

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    The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    lg5lbpiheg9k.png

    BLM - ACAB
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    facetiousfacetious a wit so dry it shits sandRegistered User regular
    "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
    Real strong, facetious.

    Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
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    The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    Never gets old

    BLM - ACAB
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    The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    Blatantly stolen from my favorite podcast:

    Benny
    Benny
    B-B-B-Benny
    Gesserit

    BLM - ACAB
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    facetiousfacetious a wit so dry it shits sandRegistered User regular
    092cy7c4fbbg.jpg

    "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
    Real strong, facetious.

    Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
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    knitdanknitdan In ur base Killin ur guysRegistered User regular
    Vaping destroyed that guy’s nose

    “I was quick when I came in here, I’m twice as quick now”
    -Indiana Solo, runner of blades
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    ChicoBlueChicoBlue Registered User regular
    What vapes with 2.4 ohms in the morning...

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    MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    edited April 5
    Just started using Spotify, so made a playlist for hiking.

    It's got music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my Trail Mix.

    MichaelLC on
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    -Loki--Loki- Don't pee in my mouth and tell me it's raining. Registered User regular
    I’m not getting the Eminem reference?

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    destroyah87destroyah87 They/Them Preferred: She/Her - Please UseRegistered User regular
    edited April 5
    -Loki- wrote: »
    I’m not getting the Eminem reference?

    Say it out loud.
    Then think of an ingredient you can include in a trail mix.
    One that melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
    A tasty chocolate morsel covered in a colorful candy shell.

    destroyah87 on
    camo_sig2.png
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    SiliconStewSiliconStew Registered User regular
    -Loki- wrote: »
    I’m not getting the Eminem reference?

    m&m

    Just remember that half the people you meet are below average intelligence.
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    AngelHedgieAngelHedgie Registered User regular
    From Mrs. Hedgie:

    The lifespan of falcons ranges from 12-15 years.

    This means that the ones alive today are millennial falcons.

    XBL: Nox Aeternum / PSN: NoxAeternum / NN:NoxAeternum / Steam: noxaeternum
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    DepressperadoDepressperado I just wanted to see you laughing in the pizza rainRegistered User regular
    get ye to gaol

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    knitdanknitdan In ur base Killin ur guysRegistered User regular
    Moat millennials are closer to 40 though

    “I was quick when I came in here, I’m twice as quick now”
    -Indiana Solo, runner of blades
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    MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    knitdan wrote: »
    Moat millennials are closer to 40 though

    Top speed, sure.

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    RanlinRanlin Oh gosh Registered User regular
    knitdan wrote: »
    Moat millennials are closer to 40 though

    and full of debt rather than water

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    LucedesLucedes might be real Registered User regular
    those falcons are zoomers at most

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    ElvenshaeElvenshae Registered User regular
    No, that’s just the peregrines.

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    [Expletive deleted][Expletive deleted] The mediocre doctor NorwayRegistered User regular
    MichaelLC wrote: »
    Just started using Spotify, so made a playlist for hiking.

    It's got music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my Trail Mix.

    My playlist contains the Police and various gangsta rap. I call it my Trial Mix.

    Sic transit gloria mundi.
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    I follow a lot of Irish groups on Insta. I just got a push notification that told me to check out today’s top reels, but those were jigs if I ever heard ‘em.

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    Raiden333Raiden333 Registered User regular
    edited April 6
    3dls41jcak90.png

    Raiden333 on
    There was a steam sig here. It's gone now.
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    Why did Simba's dad die?
    He didn't Mufasa 'nuff

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    The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    Why did Simba's dad die?
    He didn't Mufasa 'nuff

    Why weren't any other lions around to see it?
    Because the pride had gone before the fall

    BLM - ACAB
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    DizzenDizzen Registered User regular
    How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
    'Eclipse it.

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    KupiKupi Registered User regular
    The Geek wrote: »
    Why did Simba's dad die?
    He didn't Mufasa 'nuff

    Why weren't any other lions around to see it?
    Because the pride had gone before the fall

    What did Scar say when he'd finished fixing his car horn?
    BEEP REPAIRED

    My favorite musical instrument is the air-raid siren.
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    see317see317 Registered User regular
    Most of us hate Mondays. But we should remember, only 48 hours ago it was a sadder day for us.

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    FeralFeral MEMETICHARIZARD interior crocodile alligator ⇔ ǝɹʇɐǝɥʇ ǝᴉʌoɯ ʇǝloɹʌǝɥɔ ɐ ǝʌᴉɹp ᴉRegistered User regular
    Conversation from earlier:

    "Putting cotija on refried beans really elevated it."

    "Y'know, it's basically like Mexican feta."

    "Don't get too hooked on them.
    You don't want to get addicted to mehi-feta-beans."

    every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.

    the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    I don't have a dad bod.

    I have a father figure.

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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    j5i1ri0za02u.jpeg

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    Raiden333Raiden333 Registered User regular
    edited April 18
    I thought this joke was too corny even for this thread and just worth appreciating by Josh as a fellow top shelf bad joke connoisseur, but he encouraged me to post it here. You've been warned.
    A hiker, clearly shaken, enters a remote English village pub, his clothes all torn and he's full of scratches.

    "You won't believe this," he says to the bartender. "I was attacked by a leopard!"

    "Really?"

    "Yes! A leopard! In England!" The hiker sits down and orders the strongest liquor they've got. "I tried to run, but it was of course much faster than me."

    The hiker gets his glass, empties it, and asks for another. "It sent me to the ground with a mighty push from its paws, but weirdly enough it then just gave me a really sad look and left."

    "Ah, you met Father Andrews," the bartender says, matter-of-factly.

    "What do you mean?" asks the tourist, confused.

    "Father Andrews was our priest. A truly kind-hearted man, loved by all. His only goal in life was to serve his congregation as well as he could. So when he one day found a lamp with a genie, his very first wish was to be a loving shepherd to the community."

    "That's nice "

    "Absolutely, if only he hadn't been so prone to spoonerisms."

    Raiden333 on
    There was a steam sig here. It's gone now.
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