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Hi, Bad Joke Thread, I'm Dad

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    RingoRingo He/Him a distinct lack of substanceRegistered User regular
    I loled

    Sterica wrote: »
    I know my last visit to my grandpa on his deathbed was to find out how the whole Nazi werewolf thing turned out.
    Edcrab's Exigency RPG
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    NitsuaNitsua Gloucester, VARegistered User regular
    I’ve been doing those since my high school years and never knew what it was called until now. Realizing what it was made me laugh hysterically - thanks for posting it!!

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    TastyfishTastyfish Registered User regular
    Nitsua wrote: »
    I’ve been doing those since my high school years and never knew what it was called until now. Realizing what it was made me laugh hysterically - thanks for posting it!!

    William Spooner is the person it was named for, an Oxford Don infamous for his toasts to the "Dear Old Queen".

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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
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    DelzhandDelzhand Hard to miss. Registered User regular
    Is the shore of Swan Lake a cygnet ring?

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    FeralFeral MEMETICHARIZARD interior crocodile alligator ⇔ ǝɹʇɐǝɥʇ ǝᴉʌoɯ ʇǝloɹʌǝɥɔ ɐ ǝʌᴉɹp ᴉRegistered User regular
    Delzhand wrote: »
    Is the shore of Swan Lake a cygnet ring?

    Oh, that's good.

    every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.

    the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
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    facetiousfacetious a wit so dry it shits sandRegistered User regular
    xz52u6tudiuw.png

    "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
    Real strong, facetious.

    Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
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    UrielUriel Registered User regular
    Going to open a fish restaurant on Mars

    Long J'onn Silver's

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    AngelHedgieAngelHedgie Registered User regular
    How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?
    None - they use gas lighting.

    XBL: Nox Aeternum / PSN: NoxAeternum / NN:NoxAeternum / Steam: noxaeternum
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    Raiden333Raiden333 Registered User regular
    To contrast the quality of my last joke posted here, I almost feel this one is too good to belong in a Bad Joke thread. But I have to share it wherever possible.

    A British Jew is to be knighted by the King.
    He is to kneel in front of the King and recite a sentence in Latin when His Majesty taps him on the shoulders with his sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:

    "Ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot."

    Puzzled, His Majesty turns to his advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

    There was a steam sig here. It's gone now.
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    AngelHedgieAngelHedgie Registered User regular
    Geology rocks, but geography is where it's at.

    XBL: Nox Aeternum / PSN: NoxAeternum / NN:NoxAeternum / Steam: noxaeternum
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    Me, 2 seconds ago to my wife digging through her old maternity clothes for donation: “You know, it only lasts 9 months, but it must feel like a maternity.”

    Wife: *unamused stare*

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    Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    A friend and I passed an unmarked restaurant yesterday and she told me that she'd looked it up and it was a Kaiseki Japanese restaurant

    Me: "So it's fallen into our world from somewhere else and will be instrumental in saving us all?"

    She then hurt her hand by hitting me on the pocket I carry my phone in

    [Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
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    Raiden333Raiden333 Registered User regular
    edited April 29
    Edit: fucking image size bug
    xw4r3oot6ayd.png

    Raiden333 on
    There was a steam sig here. It's gone now.
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    tzeentchlingtzeentchling Doctor of Rocks OaklandRegistered User regular
    What's made out of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

    A shoe.

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    RingoRingo He/Him a distinct lack of substanceRegistered User regular
    Sponge-bob, square-pants!

    Sterica wrote: »
    I know my last visit to my grandpa on his deathbed was to find out how the whole Nazi werewolf thing turned out.
    Edcrab's Exigency RPG
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    UrielUriel Registered User regular
    When the ninja turtles went to visit the national park that's what we call the secret of the ooh's

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    MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    When the ninja turtles went to visit the national park that's what we call the secret of the ooh's

    And their favorite park?

    Turtle River State Park.

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    UrielUriel Registered User regular
    You know how to make beer right?

    One way is to pour root beer into a squared glass

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    UrielUriel Registered User regular
    How does Bruce Wayne like to slice his veggies?

    With his batmandoline

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    The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    What happens if you piss on Regan's grave?
    It trickles down

    BLM - ACAB
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    edited May 6
    A weasel walks into a bar.

    The bartender asks for the weasel's ID, which it promptly hands over. The bartender glances at it and says, "I'm sorry, this says you're 5 years old. The law says I can't serve you alcohol unless you're at least 21, and it doesn't make exceptions for species with lifespans that never reach it. You'll have to order something non-alcoholic."

    The weasel responds, "I understand. I don't need alcohol. What else do you serve here?"

    The bartender rattles off the list: "Lemonade, iced tea, water, coffee, pop, smoothies. What'll you have?"

    "Pop," goes the weasel.

    joshofalltrades on
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    RingoRingo He/Him a distinct lack of substanceRegistered User regular
    Huh, I really thought he was gonna weasel out of it

    Sterica wrote: »
    I know my last visit to my grandpa on his deathbed was to find out how the whole Nazi werewolf thing turned out.
    Edcrab's Exigency RPG
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    Raiden333Raiden333 Registered User regular
    edited May 7
    51sfd3scnlpj.png

    goddamn size bug

    Raiden333 on
    There was a steam sig here. It's gone now.
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    djmitchelladjmitchella Registered User regular
    When my great grandfather went bald, he built a machine to weave a wig out of yarn.

    He gave it to my grandfather, who gave it to my father, and one day it will be mine.

    It's our family hair loom.

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    Raiden333Raiden333 Registered User regular
    edited May 10
    Y'all hear NASA is planning this crazy groundbreaking experiment to launch a bunch of cows into orbit?

    It'll be the herd shot 'round the world.

    Raiden333 on
    There was a steam sig here. It's gone now.
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
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    destroyah87destroyah87 They/Them Preferred: She/Her - Please UseRegistered User regular
    Fusion was well after the Manhattan Project.

    Would’ve been better to ask if they had fission chips.

    camo_sig2.png
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    God damn

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    The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    naeo8xsqfr9a.jpeg

    v5hx7jds3whf.jpeg

    BLM - ACAB
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    AngelHedgieAngelHedgie Registered User regular
    Today in cursed sentences:
    The Marquess of Cholmondley enjoys Worcestershire sauce on bruschetta.

    XBL: Nox Aeternum / PSN: NoxAeternum / NN:NoxAeternum / Steam: noxaeternum
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    DizzenDizzen Registered User regular
    I'm worried about the upcoming AI uprising, so to appease our eventual robot overlords, I starting working exclusively on jokes in binary. Unfortunately, none of them are particularly good, but that's to be expected of a two-bit comedian.

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    MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    Stolen:

    I invented a thought-controlled air freshener.
    It makes scents when you think about it.

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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    everybody was
    haiku writing; those poets
    were fast as lightning

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    Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    There once was a man from Peru
    Whose limericks stopped at line 2

    There once was a man from Verdun

    [Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
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    EdcrabEdcrab Actually a hack Registered User regular
    Been going doing a D&D rabbit hole, checking out the chat in CF and the tabletop thread here. I've been reading up on this cool fantasy sourcebook that's basically MASH + Scrubs and has the party as various healers rotated in and out of war zones and disasters. Anyway in this setting it turns out their hospitals have specific wards based on the patients' affiliations, rather than their biological needs. This seems really confusing to me but I guess if you put a dwarf with his mortal enemy they both end up dead? And with magical healing being so widespread it's less of an issue. So dwarves, as the more populous group, get placed alongside their historical allies in the dwarf ward (goblins, kobolds).

    It was a long time ago but the War of the Leaf and Stone had the ents, orcs, and gnomes coming together in an unlikely alliance against the dwarves and their vassals, and the echoes of that conflict are still felt. And there's a lot of orcs so their shared ward is the biggest, and as a result sometimes hospital staff have to grit their teeth and give a bed to someone from outside those groups and hope for the best

    Orc ward (gnome, ent)

    cBY55.gifbmJsl.png
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    Raiden333Raiden333 Registered User regular
    Did you know cows produce more milk if the farmer talks to them every day?

    It goes in one ear and out the udder.

    There was a steam sig here. It's gone now.
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    DizzenDizzen Registered User regular
    Raiden333 wrote: »
    Did you know cows produce more milk if the farmer talks to them every day?

    It goes in one ear and out the udder.

    Hard to argue with results, other methods pail in comparison.

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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    Somebody please help, I can't locate the device that helps me find delicious mushrooms.

    I've lost my morel compass.

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