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How many people did Shrek shrek before he turned good

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    ProlegomenaProlegomena Frictionless Spinning The VoidRegistered User regular
    Platy wrote: »
    How can we say "to shrek" and instantly know what is meant if Shrek never shrekked anybody

    What we cannot shrek, we must pass over in silence

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    JuggernutJuggernut Registered User regular
    11 - 100
    And I heard, as it were, the noise of thunder
    One of the four beasts saying,
    'Come and see.' and I saw, and behold a
    Shrek

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    JuggernutJuggernut Registered User regular
    11 - 100
    We know that Shrek has deadly farts, as referenced in Shrek when Shrek tells donkey if Shrek farted in his face he'd be dead.

    So I think it's safe to say that Shrek has killed a minimum of two (but most likely more) just using his weaponized ogre ass. Enough to establish a trend anyway.

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    FencingsaxFencingsax It is difficult to get a man to understand, when his salary depends upon his not understanding GNU Terry PratchettRegistered User regular
    Somebody

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    RMS OceanicRMS Oceanic Registered User regular
    Fencingsax wrote: »
    SomeBODY

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    EddyEddy Gengar the Bittersweet Registered User regular
    Hundreds
    Shrek is shown casually approaching heavily armed and armored knights without a hint of fear. Later he is shown enjoying himself in a mêlée against fearless knights sent to kill him and defend the king.

    He clearly retained his virginity solely because he was studying the blade.

    "and the morning stars I have seen
    and the gengars who are guiding me" -- W.S. Merwin
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    EnlongEnlong Registered User regular
    0 - 10
    Juggernut wrote: »
    We know that Shrek has deadly farts, as referenced in Shrek when Shrek tells donkey if Shrek farted in his face he'd be dead.

    So I think it's safe to say that Shrek has killed a minimum of two (but most likely more) just using his weaponized ogre ass. Enough to establish a trend anyway.

    His deadly farts were established in the OP, in which he farts in a pond and kills a bunch of fish, which he then scoops up to eat later. No need to speculate on humans being killed with ogre farts, when we already have an example to show why he knows they’re deadly.

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    TheySlashThemTheySlashThem Registered User regular
    Hundreds
    the real question is how many people has fiona's king dad killed

    far far away is built on a foundation of bones

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    SorceSorce Not ThereRegistered User regular
    Hundreds
    He's a monarch, so... a lot of people are dead because of him.

    sig.gif
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    EddyEddy Gengar the Bittersweet Registered User regular
    edited July 2021
    Hundreds
    Enlong wrote: »
    Juggernut wrote: »
    We know that Shrek has deadly farts, as referenced in Shrek when Shrek tells donkey if Shrek farted in his face he'd be dead.

    So I think it's safe to say that Shrek has killed a minimum of two (but most likely more) just using his weaponized ogre ass. Enough to establish a trend anyway.

    His deadly farts were established in the OP, in which he farts in a pond and kills a bunch of fish, which he then scoops up to eat later. No need to speculate on humans being killed with ogre farts, when we already have an example to show why he knows they’re deadly.

    But we know that Shrek is an expert at biology, due to his ability to use onions as metaphors, so he's clearly able to distinguish that fish and land animals breathe differently and thus may react differently to different gaseous mixtures. And pharmacologically speaking we know that toxicity is determined by both degree of exposure and the recipient's mass. He's done his research. I back that he's at least killed two large mammals

    Eddy on
    "and the morning stars I have seen
    and the gengars who are guiding me" -- W.S. Merwin
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    EnlongEnlong Registered User regular
    0 - 10
    Eddy wrote: »
    Enlong wrote: »
    Juggernut wrote: »
    We know that Shrek has deadly farts, as referenced in Shrek when Shrek tells donkey if Shrek farted in his face he'd be dead.

    So I think it's safe to say that Shrek has killed a minimum of two (but most likely more) just using his weaponized ogre ass. Enough to establish a trend anyway.

    His deadly farts were established in the OP, in which he farts in a pond and kills a bunch of fish, which he then scoops up to eat later. No need to speculate on humans being killed with ogre farts, when we already have an example to show why he knows they’re deadly.

    But we know that Shrek is an expert at biology, due to his ability to use onions as metaphors, so he's clearly able to distinguish that fish and land animals breathe differently and thus may react differently to different gaseous mixtures. And pharmacologically speaking we know that toxicity is determined by both degree of exposure and the recipient's mass. He's done his research. I back that he's at least killed two large mammals

    Aye, but humans aren’t the only large mammals around. A swamp such as the one Shrek inhabits would be home to a lot of diverse wildlife, simply attracted by all the food there. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s taken down some unfortunate raccoons and alligators that got too close.

    And lets not forget that first scene. If Shrek wanted to eat people *and* scare others away, that mob of bounty hunters would’ve been easy pickings; he can take down trained and armored knights with ease.

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    Raijin QuickfootRaijin Quickfoot I'm your Huckleberry YOU'RE NO DAISYRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    I was going to say 7 but I feel like this is a rhetorical question…

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    PinfeldorfPinfeldorf Yeah ZestRegistered User regular
    Hundreds
    Enlong wrote: »
    Eddy wrote: »
    Enlong wrote: »
    Juggernut wrote: »
    We know that Shrek has deadly farts, as referenced in Shrek when Shrek tells donkey if Shrek farted in his face he'd be dead.

    So I think it's safe to say that Shrek has killed a minimum of two (but most likely more) just using his weaponized ogre ass. Enough to establish a trend anyway.

    His deadly farts were established in the OP, in which he farts in a pond and kills a bunch of fish, which he then scoops up to eat later. No need to speculate on humans being killed with ogre farts, when we already have an example to show why he knows they’re deadly.

    But we know that Shrek is an expert at biology, due to his ability to use onions as metaphors, so he's clearly able to distinguish that fish and land animals breathe differently and thus may react differently to different gaseous mixtures. And pharmacologically speaking we know that toxicity is determined by both degree of exposure and the recipient's mass. He's done his research. I back that he's at least killed two large mammals

    Aye, but humans aren’t the only large mammals around. A swamp such as the one Shrek inhabits would be home to a lot of diverse wildlife, simply attracted by all the food there. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s taken down some unfortunate raccoons and alligators that got too close.

    And lets not forget that first scene. If Shrek wanted to eat people *and* scare others away, that mob of bounty hunters would’ve been easy pickings; he can take down trained and armored knights with ease.

    Shrek is voiced by Mike Myers, which is just the stage name for Michael Myers. Think about it.

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    PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    The moral of the original Puss in Boots is that you should give your cat boots if your cat asks for them

    That fairy tale would've gone very different if the youngest son had just gone, "you're a cat, you don't need boots"

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    Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    Hundreds
    Sorce wrote: »
    He's a monarch, so... a lot of people are dead because of him.

    He also fought in their version of the Crusades - although the line was redone in the UK to say that it was a hunting injury

    [Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
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    JuggernutJuggernut Registered User regular
    11 - 100
    It has been 900 years, the UK

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    JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    Hundreds
    Shrek has never personally shreked anyone, but he buys a new iPhone every year even though the old one still works fine.

    GDdCWMm.jpg
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    PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    Juggernut wrote: »
    It has been 900 years, the UK

    Shrek 2 came out in 2004 and I think it was probably changed because of George W's infamous use of the word

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    JuggernutJuggernut Registered User regular
    11 - 100
    Ok carry on, The Uk

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    ChallChall Registered User regular
    Hundreds
    #pipe wrote: »
    Chall wrote: »
    I personally think Shrek probably eats 2 or more humans per week

    You think Shrek eats 1.5-2 times his bodyweight in meat every week?

    How much fuckin meat do you eat??

    I mean, Shrek is an ogre, he probably weighs as much as 2 humans, so it's about 1 bodyweight. Also, how much meat is on a scrawny human peasant? Does he eat the bones and organs? That would account for a lot of weight.

    I don't think it's as outrageous as eating 2x your bodyweight in meat.

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    StraightziStraightzi Here we may reign secure, and in my choice, To reign is worth ambition though in HellRegistered User regular
    Hundreds
    Shrek is definitely down with organ meats

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    JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    edited August 2021
    Hundreds
    Chall wrote: »
    #pipe wrote: »
    Chall wrote: »
    I personally think Shrek probably eats 2 or more humans per week

    You think Shrek eats 1.5-2 times his bodyweight in meat every week?

    How much fuckin meat do you eat??

    I mean, Shrek is an ogre, he probably weighs as much as 2 humans, so it's about 1 bodyweight. Also, how much meat is on a scrawny human peasant? Does he eat the bones and organs? That would account for a lot of weight.

    I don't think it's as outrageous as eating 2x your bodyweight in meat.

    I'd expect peasants to have a carcass weight to usable meat ratio closer to deer than cows or pigs, since even in the really bad stretches of feudalism I don't think anyone would be selecting for meat production among the peasantry long enough to really skew the average. Since the knights-and-castles period of European history was actually something of a high point in nutrition for commoners, they'd mostly be about the same size as a modern laborer with a decent diet. Call it a range of between 100-160 pounds for full-grown men and women who wander into the swamp, which translates to 40-64 pounds of usable meat from a carefully-butchered deer.

    The square-cube law makes it tricky to estimate the weight of large humanoids, and we have a tendency to underestimate. For example, Andre the Giant was 7'4", or around 25% taller than the average adult male in the US. However, he weighed 520 pounds, over one and a half times the weight of the average adult male. I think we can safely put Shrek in approximately the same weight class as Andre the Giant. This is in the neighborhood of a large black bear or a relatively small grizzly.

    The final variable is how much of the usable meat from each peasant Shrek actually consumes. At the upper end of the range, predators such as wolves who exert a great deal of energy for each kill and can strongly defend against other predators and scavengers can consume 95% of the meat from a carcass. If prey is plentiful or defending the kill is too costly, apex predators may only eat the choicest and most calorie- or vitamin-rich portions before abandoning the rest to scavengers.

    Brown bears eat up to 90 pounds of food per day, although only about 10% of it tends to be meat unless they live near a good salmon river. Lions, of which only the largest male specimens would approach Shrek's weight class, get by on 10-25 pounds of exclusively meat. Since Shrek is not an obligate carnivore and does not, so far as we know, need to spend half the year building up fat reserves for hibernation, his dietary needs would fall somewhere in between.

    Conclusions:
    • Shrek could probably devour a peasant every day or two if there were a peasant glut in his swamp. As a den-dwelling predator, he could extract most of the usable meat from a peasant if he needed to, as he appears to have no real competitors and exerts near-total control over his territory.
    • Based on his observed behavior, it is likely that he would see peasants as a food source of opportunity rather than a staple. The bulk of his calorie intake is likely to be based on plants, fish, and grubs, and in the event of an incidental peasant shreking would likely extract choice tidbits such as the eyes, tongue, and vitamin-rich organ meats and leave the rest to minor swamp-dwelling scavengers and insects.
    • Given Shrek's near-human level intelligence and familiarity with highly processed foods such as parfaits, it is possible that he would also seek to preserve portions of the kill against lean times, although no hard evidence for a stockpile of peasant jerky is seen in the films.

    Jedoc on
    GDdCWMm.jpg
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    JarsJars Registered User regular
    edited August 2021
    if shrek wasn't eating peasants before he turned good then what, exactly,was he eating?

    Jars on
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    Raijin QuickfootRaijin Quickfoot I'm your Huckleberry YOU'RE NO DAISYRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    Jars wrote: »
    if shrek wasn't eating peasants before he turned good then what, exactly,was he eating?

    Arby’s

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    EnlongEnlong Registered User regular
    0 - 10
    Jars wrote: »
    if shrek wasn't eating peasants before he turned good then what, exactly,was he eating?

    Fish, slugs, bugs, eyeballs from swamp creatures...

    There’s lots of life in a swamp. The OP shows him making his dinner and catching fish and such for later.

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    MysstMysst King Monkey of Hedonism IslandRegistered User regular
    why is there an assumption here that shrek was bad? every interaction we know of between shrek and other intelligent entities was initiated by the other party encroaching on shrek's heavily marked territory. self defense is not only smart, it's ethical

    ikbUJdU.jpg
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    TheStigTheStig Registered User regular
    Hundreds
    Shrek shrek Shrek shrek shrek shrek Shrek shrek.

    bnet: TheStig#1787 Steam: TheStig
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    BahamutZEROBahamutZERO Registered User, Moderator mod
    Hundreds
    Mysst wrote: »
    why is there an assumption here that shrek was bad? every interaction we know of between shrek and other intelligent entities was initiated by the other party encroaching on shrek's heavily marked territory. self defense is not only smart, it's ethical

    because everyone around him deserved to be eaten

    BahamutZERO.gif
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    PoorochondriacPoorochondriac Ah, man Ah, jeezRegistered User regular
    Hundreds
    Shrektal thermometer

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    TheStigTheStig Registered User regular
    Hundreds
    Shrektal thermometer

    That's my name on Tinder.

    bnet: TheStig#1787 Steam: TheStig
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    GarthorGarthor Registered User regular
    Hundreds
    Mysst wrote: »
    why is there an assumption here that shrek was bad? every interaction we know of between shrek and other intelligent entities was initiated by the other party encroaching on shrek's heavily marked territory. self defense is not only smart, it's ethical

    Counterpoint: why is there an assumption that Shrek ever became good?

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    RMS OceanicRMS Oceanic Registered User regular
    So am I the only one who thought Shrek 2 was setting up that the Fairy Godmother was responsible for Fiona's enchantment in the first place? Do we ever find out who did that?

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    GvzbgulGvzbgul Registered User regular
    Hundreds
    It's likely, barring any other information. But the King had already agreed that his daughter marry Prince Charming before she was cursed, so it seems needlessly complicated to curse her and send her away.

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    RMS OceanicRMS Oceanic Registered User regular
    Do UK folk remember that Jonathan Ross voiced the Ugly Stepsister in the UK release?

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    SolarSolar Registered User regular
    Hundreds
    No

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    Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    Hundreds
    Do UK folk remember that Jonathan Ross voiced the Ugly Stepsister in the UK release?

    Yep - and Kate Thornton replaced Joan Rivers for the red carpet broadcaster because she was better known as a celebrity interviewer

    [Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
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    GrisloGrislo Registered User regular
    ChicoBlue wrote: »
    Here's a Shrek I sculpted from memory.

    TlsEIaj.png

    I don't remember anything about the movie.

    Does shrek mean eat?

    I never thought I'd get to see what Joe Pesci as Shrek would look like, but I think this is as close as it gets.

    Thank you for this blessing.

    This post was sponsored by Tom Cruise.
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    BahamutZEROBahamutZERO Registered User, Moderator mod
    edited August 2021
    Hundreds
    as I recall in the deep shrek lore shrek regularly lit people on fire with his fire breath
    oh and he cooked meat with his laser eyes

    BahamutZERO on
    BahamutZERO.gif
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    JuggernutJuggernut Registered User regular
    edited August 2021
    11 - 100
    lwbu2azqp30o.jpg

    Juggernut on
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    Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    Hundreds
    I always assumed that was Tumblr shitposting

    [Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
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