Two days ago I lost my mum, suddenly, after a 9 year battle with cancer. I say 'suddenly' because whilst she has never been in remission, she has spent probably 6 of those 9 years perfectly healthy, and had not been sick recently.
But a tumour in her lymph node near her throat grew wildly out of control in the past month, between regular scans so it was missed. She started deteriorating at around 8am on Saturday morning, I was at the hospital holding her hand by 11.30, and by 12 she had passed away.
She was 67. I'm 37.
I loved her deeply and completely.
The real kick in the balls? I get married in 4 days.
What I suppose I am looking for is guidance on how the hell I am supposed to move forward. I am an absolute mess, rapidly bouncing between being nearly hysterical, feeling strangely calm and normal, and then wracked with guilt for practically forgetting she has died. I don't know where I want to be, who I want to be with (or whether I want to be alone), or what I want to be doing. I feel drastically different hour to hour, in various states of distress, each producing different urges of how to make myself feel better.
We are going ahead with the wedding and 120 people who love me are going to be showering me with support, but all I can think about is how I might lose my shit and ruin the day for my wife-to-be. I think of my dad sitting at the top-table without her beside him and my heart breaks. I think of her missing our first dance and I start sobbing. I think of the day my wife has always dreamed about and we have been anticipating for nearly two years becoming a day of sadness and all I feel is panic.
I'm an alcoholic in recovery so you'd better believe I'll be hitting up some meetings this week. This is, I suppose, the ultimate test for my sobriety and I sure as hell don't want a drink right now so that is at least one positive thing to come out of all this. But the problem with AA is that sometimes they suck at helping with normal problems like the devastation of losing your mother.
I am so excited to be married. But I'm worried my grief will ruin my wedding for my wife. What do I do?