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I hit my brother; this sucks.
Organichu
poopspeesRegistered User regular
poopspeesRegistered User regular
My little brother is a really bad kid, though I guess not in the street gangster sense. 
He's 15 and he's amazingly disrespectful and irresponsible. He constantly backtalks his guardians, and he's not a very good person in general. You can call him a liar/bastard or whatever, and he doesn't care at all. It's not that he's impervious to what people think- it's that he doesn't think about it all, either. He has no sense of pride or anything; it's not that he hates himself or anything, but the idea of being a bad person/good person just doesn't occur to him. He doesn't even know what integrity is. He lies, steals (thankfully not cars or anything... small money around the house and all) and has no care for anything but video games.
Anyway, he was just upstairs playing games with my nephew (who's only 5 btw), and my brother is cursing up a storm, throwing around the F word like crazy. I repeatedly tell him to stop. I was thinking about all of the horrible things he's said to the people who take care of him. I kept thinking of the fact that he's failing the tenth grade and has avoided all of my insistent advice for a long time now- etc. etc.
I continue to ask him to stop cursing in front of my nephew, and tell him dinner's almost ready. I turn around to leave his room and go work on something, and he says "Did I say I was hungry? Shut the fuck up".
And I turned around and smacked him, hard, in the face. I didn't intend to smack him hard, but he has a small shiner, and I feel really bad now.
I don't ever strike him or the other kids in the house (I don't really view hitting as good discipline. The most I ever do is grasp an arm and drag towards where I want them to go).
Because of his personality though, I feel that any apology will just be relished and won't really mean anything to him viscerally... I overreacted, but any sort of contrition would just make him feel an empty vindication, I feel. It's unfortunate but I don't know what to do. This kid is horrible to be around, but he is my brother.
I don't know what to do from here, now that my distaste for him has been made manifest (as a result of my bad temper).
He's 15 and he's amazingly disrespectful and irresponsible. He constantly backtalks his guardians, and he's not a very good person in general. You can call him a liar/bastard or whatever, and he doesn't care at all. It's not that he's impervious to what people think- it's that he doesn't think about it all, either. He has no sense of pride or anything; it's not that he hates himself or anything, but the idea of being a bad person/good person just doesn't occur to him. He doesn't even know what integrity is. He lies, steals (thankfully not cars or anything... small money around the house and all) and has no care for anything but video games.Anyway, he was just upstairs playing games with my nephew (who's only 5 btw), and my brother is cursing up a storm, throwing around the F word like crazy. I repeatedly tell him to stop. I was thinking about all of the horrible things he's said to the people who take care of him. I kept thinking of the fact that he's failing the tenth grade and has avoided all of my insistent advice for a long time now- etc. etc.
I continue to ask him to stop cursing in front of my nephew, and tell him dinner's almost ready. I turn around to leave his room and go work on something, and he says "Did I say I was hungry? Shut the fuck up".
And I turned around and smacked him, hard, in the face. I didn't intend to smack him hard, but he has a small shiner, and I feel really bad now.
I don't ever strike him or the other kids in the house (I don't really view hitting as good discipline. The most I ever do is grasp an arm and drag towards where I want them to go).
Because of his personality though, I feel that any apology will just be relished and won't really mean anything to him viscerally... I overreacted, but any sort of contrition would just make him feel an empty vindication, I feel. It's unfortunate but I don't know what to do. This kid is horrible to be around, but he is my brother.
I don't know what to do from here, now that my distaste for him has been made manifest (as a result of my bad temper).
Organichu on
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Oops.
I guess a mod should move this then.
Ignore this 'advice'.
Steam Profile | Signature art by Alexandra 'Lexxy' Douglass
Honest to God, if he mouths off again, I'd do it again. He has to respond to something. I feel horrible for promoting violence, but seriously, if it works, it works.
I'm not totally opposed to physical punishment for kids. My mom spanked me when I was a little kid. But its not done hard, its not intended to hurt, or injure. If it leaves any kind of mark, then its WAY too hard. Its the shock of it. Now I was only spanked when I was very very young, so I dont remember it. I do however remember my mom spanking my sister when she was doing something she knew very well was against the rules (like writing all over the walls). My mom got this angry, angry look in her eyes, started yelling, and chased her up the stairs. My mom is usually ridiculously nice, so this is not something that gets seen often. I was watching this as a kid, and I noticed that mom wasn't actually trying to catch my sister (considering how young my sister was this would have been easy). Instead she chased her up the stairs, yelling and stomping and clapping her hands. My sister was wailing crying and running up the stairs. I dont know if she actually got a spanking after that or just a talking to, then a firm door closing. But either way its not the physical part that matters, its the shock, putting the fear/respect for authority into the equation, and showing that there are unpleasant consequences to knowingly disobeying the rules.
Now, I dont think you should be hitting people. That kind of violence just tends to breed more violence. But, do you think your brother will talk to you like this anymore? If he still does, then, well shit, you hit your brother you jerk. But if he is more respectful after this, how do you feel about it? If it were me I wouldn't mind. I'd apologize to him maybe a few years later after he had smartened up. Its all about the shock, and respect for authority. Just exploding on a kid, getting super red faced and yelling will usually do the trick, basically you scare the shit out of them so they wont be jerks. But your brother sounds like a total asshole, especially if he steals from his own family. If I had a brother I'd hit him over something like this.
You can't do this very much though. This is a lesson he will learn quickly, or not at all.
Note: im not advising you to beat the fuck out of him.
I wish I could. I'm only his brother- his aunt (who takes care of him) always caves in and allows him to get off punishment.
Thanks for all of the input thus far, guys.
Secondly, to your brother, I don't know if taking away his privileges would work if there's any potential way he could get around it - for instance, if he's alone in the house from 3-5, and he knows where you hid his 360, he'll feel that he can deal with two hours of Xbox a day. It's hard to deal with these types of kids because they don't respect authority.
Also, please go to your aunt and tell her what happened right off the bat. It is essential that he doesn't run to her and go "HE HIT ME!" without any context, especially if your aunt spoilers him. Explain the situation and what you feel needs to be done, but apologize to your aunt for your behavior.
Anyway, the fact that you describe your actions as overreacting says that while you may regret hitting him, you don't regret doing something to show your displeasure at his attitude when simple dialogue failed. I think this is important to keep in mind if you have to explain your actions to your parents or whomever. They'll need to see that even if you don't have the answer, you're firm in your belief that something needs to be done about your brother's behavior.
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Any more ideas, guys, keep them coming.
I would apologise (you're the adult here - take the hit to your ego when he smirks back at you) as a matter of principle - because you owe it to him not to have that kind of violence and confrontation defining the relationship. I feel like an ass giving advice on something I know is so hard (teenagers suck), but I think the only way to keep the relationship tollerable in many cases is to treat them like adults - even if they squander that adulthood.
Good luck with it, dude. My brother and I had an awful relationship during our teen years (he's about twice my size, though - so I never hit him), but we're the best of friends now - largely because my parents gave him the space to swing his dick.
"there's nothing that cleanses the soul like getting the hell kicked out of you" - Woody Hayes
look, sometimes asshole 15 year old kids need a punch in the face. i don't think you should use violence to solve your problems with him every time, or that hitting him was even the right way to handle that situation. but i do think that you shouldn't feel all broken up about this.
i guess my advice is that next time you see him or talk to him about this, let him know that you're done putting up with his bullshit. don't let it degenerate into a pissing contest with fists, but make sure he knows that you aren't a pushover like his aunt is. also, unless he's genuinely sorry and hurt, i wouldn't bother apologizing. to him, a sadfaced "i'm sorry" will just show him that he can get away with his behavior around you, and you don't want that.
You should also make the parents and guardians of the five year old aware that your brother is not fit to be left alone with him.
You should probably have an honest, but stern, conversation with his aunt. Something along the lines of "If you want this kid to survive the real world, then maybe you should demonstrate to him that actions have consequences, some of them severe." Also, does he have any responsibilities? Any chores? After school jobs or whatnot? If not, suggest to his aunt that he should start pulling his own weight if he wants to play his games (both literal and metaphorical).
Parents/guardians that cave in to their children aren't doing them, or the rest of the world, any favors.
If the aunt caves, next time he does something worthy of the punishment, ask if you can be in charge of control of the game console in question, and you'll both decide when he has earned it back.
However, actions have consequences, and it sounds to me like he's never had to deal with any of them, ever. You may have reacted poorly, but it sounds like he deserved it and he needs to learn that doing that shit when he's older and in the presence of people who are actually violent assholes will get his teeth caved in.
then, he hit grade 8, and he got a real attitude. he became the "cool" kid in his jr high. He was the "tough" one, who beat up a couple smaller kids, because he could. And he thought he was king of the world. that lasted through grade 8 and 9.
Then he hit Grade 10, high school. He went in with that attitude. He got the shit kicked out of him 3 times within the first 6 weeks. And then he got no sympathy from anyone in the family, and all of his "cool" friends left him, because he got beat up. Then, he tried desperately to get back into the "cool" group about 6 weeks after his last one, and got beat up again.
That last one really changed him. He really realized the kind of idiot he had been, and really turned his life around. Now he's a pretty good guy.
Now, the family was all pretty nervous for him, especially after the second one. And one of the guys who beat him up on the 4th time actually got arrested a year later for stabbing someone. Really scary shit, could have turned out real bad for him, but he got out of it in time, and now, he's a good guy to be around.
Moral of the story: someone needs to knock your brother down a few pegs for him to get it. I'm not telling you go to beat him up, but just don't regret what you did, because I'm sure he'll piss somone else off and he'll get his.
I'm not a doctor or anything, but he also sounds like he has Asperger's or something. Have you guys looked into this?
Steam Profile | Signature art by Alexandra 'Lexxy' Douglass
Get your heads out of your asses. Violence is never constructive, and should under no circumstances be used as a disciplining tool.
OP: Sit him down on a chair and sincerely apologize. He might see it as a "victory", but it will leave a positive mark on him. About him generally being an asshole, you'll have to figure out some other solution, preferably one that doesn't involve hitting.
I don't believe in fighting myself, and always, always try to work things out rationally with people. but to say that apologizing will leave a positive mark on him, could not be further from the truth. You're telling him that "you win, call me a fucking asshole whenever you want" Because that's exactly the way he will take it. You are backing down. saying that if you do anything that he doesn't like, you'll back down to him.
I'm not telling him to do it again, just not to apologize for doing it the first time
Really? Cause I can think of a few times i screwd up as a kid, and I got a belt to the behind. I stopped doing that screwup really fast.
Now, I do think its an issue that the OP didnt do this out of discipline, but out of a sudden burst of anger. While it could be a lot worse, thats not a great thing to do. Talking to him may be a good idea. Tell him that while he did deserve it, you shouldnt have struck him out of anger.
Bro, this is not a game.
Hitting the kid was a terrible mistake.
Violence, especially at that age, leaves psychological marks on people. You can do a Google search and read various teen-psychology papers written on the subject if you want.
The purpose of the apology is not to admit defeat. It is to give him the impression that you sincerely care about him and feel bad for hurting him. That is what will get him to listen to you, not admonishing him for being an asshole because that is the reaction he expects and is used to by now.
Who would you rather hit him for being a jerk? You, who will hit him once and then tell him to stop being an idiot, or some other guy, who may not stop to tell him what he did wrong, and just keep on beating him?
Kid needs to learn consequences, and fast. You need to desperately have words with his aunt.
You can try to rationalize it any way you want and try to support it with anecdotal evidence. But the fact is, condoning violence of any form on anyone, especially on kids, is very, very bad advice.
It definitely baffles me, and even scares me, that so many people think it is OK.