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Relationship Question (Warning: long!)
Tunesmith
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Okay, first off, I'm sorry to clutter up the forum with another relationship question...I know if I sifted through all the old threads I could find some advice that pertained to my situation, but I have reason to believe that my question requires a bit more advice than "forget her and move on".
So, to set the stage a bit, I go to a school with around 150 students total, maybe 50 within 2 years of my age. This makes for a tight social circle, and within weeks you're either accepted by everyone or you're deemed a loner.
Around six months ago, I started dating my (now ex-) girlfriend. We had been in the same class for a number of years, but had never talked much. At the end of last year, her best friend asked me to the school prom (which around 20 people attend yearly :P) - I turned her down in a fit of stupidity and things turned sour between girlfriend (henceforth called M) and her best friend (H).
At the begining of this year, M and I clicked - we became great friends over a couple of weeks. She seemed amazing to me, sharing all of the same interests and more. When I asked her out, she said yes immediately and I was happier than I can remember. We had an amazing time together on our first few dates, and we agreed that we were a couple.
I guess I should mention the fact that I'm 15 and she's 16.
So, fast forward a month (we started dating during our two weeks of winter vacation), I begin finding out more and more about M that I had never expected: First, she mentioned that she had ADHD. Next, I found out that she had OCD from her mother, but not the famous Adrian Monk-ish "touch each parking meter" OCD.
Nope, this was much more serious. She explained to me that her OCD had more to do with competition and pain than anything else. As the weeks went by, I started to notice little signs: one time when we wrestled flirtatiously she went all out and pinned me on the ground (not the best thing for the male ego :oops:), she would always make sure to eat less than me, academics became a competition, and (this annoyed the hell out of me towards the end) she would refuse to pee until I did. That, IMO, was one of the worst things ever, but I put up with it.
I've never really been able to be deliberately cruel to other people. I'm not trying to boast, or anything, but it's like I've got a compassion center working double-overtime in my brain. I hate it, sometimes. Ah, well.
So, more disorders follow (yes, I know this sounds impossible, but I swear it's true): Social Anxiety Disorder, dyslexia, Asperger's (never comfirmed), and bipolarism. Every time I heard about a new one, I just kind of ignored it, thinking "I'll deal with it later, when it comes up." Oh, and she described herself as a "compulsive liar", which is saying the least. It turned out that a lot of the stories she told me about childhood events, friendships, and skills were completely and utterly faked. Which sucked beyond belief. I felt like my girlfriend, or more accurately the image I held of her was falling apart in front of me.
Things started to get bad back at school. In a way, I was her security blanket. Each and every time I tried to hang out with my friends, she would freak out and demand that I stay with her. If I refused, she would either sob in the hallway or call her mother to rant about how much an ass I was being. Slowly, I became isolated from the rest of the world. Once, when I talked with her ex-best friend for a couple of hours via texting, I was confronted the next morning and accused of "cheating" on her. It got to the point where I was afraid to talk to anyone other than her or my family because I was worried that she would find out and misinterpret, somehow.
Sounds weak and foolish? I know. I was a total pussy. I became depressed in a way, my grades dropped, and I felt horrible physically unless I was right next to M. It's kind of like what happened to the director of Super Size Me :P
My parents sent me to a therapist, which I actually enjoyed. The therapist, J, helped me get back on track and actually voice my opinions. Unfortunately, M retaliated by taking up self-injury. She used to appear every morning after I spent time with someone else with news cuts on her arms. At first, she tried to cover them up unsuccessfully, and later tried to wear them like some sort of war wound (this didn't work either...).
As I started to get my life back together, M fell into depression. She started mentioning the boy whom she'd had a crush on for years constantly, which made me totally jealous, as it was meant to. Later, she turned to insulting me and boasting. The two went hand in hand, in an attempt to boost her self-confidence through tearing me down. I was her opponent, and she wasn't about to give up the race. I was told that I wouldn't make it in the end
Every time I confronted her, she wound up sobbing on my shoulder, promising that things would change, that she would get medications, and that she loved me more than she could express. I would apologize for being an asshole and calling her on the stuff she couldn't control.
So, things went like this for a few months, but I demanded more freedom for myself. When I started talking to my friends (my best friend J had been nothing less than hostile to me and M for months), all I found was crowds of people telling me to break up with my girlfriend. Nobody understood how fucked up the situation was, and I didn't want to burden them with it. I reached out to the people in my life that I knew had been in similar situations. I had the term "codependency" explained to me for the first time, and things fell into a new light.
I could go on complaining like this for hours, but I don't want to whine and I hope I don't come off as a teenager looking for pity from strangers. I'll wrap this up. ;-)
To make a long story short, a bunch more shit happened, and we eventually broke up. It may seem like I hate this girl, but as fucked up as she may be, I still love(d) her. We agreed to stay friends, and things have gone fairly well, except for a few moments where I temporarily forgot we had broken up and tried to kiss her.
recently, we've started spending time together in school, but it's always casual. In a fit of fucking stupidity, however, I admitted that I'm still deeply attracted to her. She stared at me, then continued talking.
My question is, after all the shit that has gone down and the horrible things she's said to me, is it still possible for us to be friends? I've heard that exes remaining close is usually a mistake, but in a way, I have to keep up a good relationship. She'll be returning to my school next year, and I'm sure as hell not changing to avoid her. I don't want to get sucked back into this relationship, but I also don't want to leave her an outcast inside the school because of what happened between us. She's a brilliant person, and I'm starting to see the person that I feel in love with again...
*SIGH*
Thanks for even reading this...it's totally fucking complicated right now.
Any advice/comments are appreciated! ;-)
~Tunesmith
So, to set the stage a bit, I go to a school with around 150 students total, maybe 50 within 2 years of my age. This makes for a tight social circle, and within weeks you're either accepted by everyone or you're deemed a loner.
Around six months ago, I started dating my (now ex-) girlfriend. We had been in the same class for a number of years, but had never talked much. At the end of last year, her best friend asked me to the school prom (which around 20 people attend yearly :P) - I turned her down in a fit of stupidity and things turned sour between girlfriend (henceforth called M) and her best friend (H).
At the begining of this year, M and I clicked - we became great friends over a couple of weeks. She seemed amazing to me, sharing all of the same interests and more. When I asked her out, she said yes immediately and I was happier than I can remember. We had an amazing time together on our first few dates, and we agreed that we were a couple.
I guess I should mention the fact that I'm 15 and she's 16.
So, fast forward a month (we started dating during our two weeks of winter vacation), I begin finding out more and more about M that I had never expected: First, she mentioned that she had ADHD. Next, I found out that she had OCD from her mother, but not the famous Adrian Monk-ish "touch each parking meter" OCD.
Nope, this was much more serious. She explained to me that her OCD had more to do with competition and pain than anything else. As the weeks went by, I started to notice little signs: one time when we wrestled flirtatiously she went all out and pinned me on the ground (not the best thing for the male ego :oops:), she would always make sure to eat less than me, academics became a competition, and (this annoyed the hell out of me towards the end) she would refuse to pee until I did. That, IMO, was one of the worst things ever, but I put up with it.
I've never really been able to be deliberately cruel to other people. I'm not trying to boast, or anything, but it's like I've got a compassion center working double-overtime in my brain. I hate it, sometimes. Ah, well.
So, more disorders follow (yes, I know this sounds impossible, but I swear it's true): Social Anxiety Disorder, dyslexia, Asperger's (never comfirmed), and bipolarism. Every time I heard about a new one, I just kind of ignored it, thinking "I'll deal with it later, when it comes up." Oh, and she described herself as a "compulsive liar", which is saying the least. It turned out that a lot of the stories she told me about childhood events, friendships, and skills were completely and utterly faked. Which sucked beyond belief. I felt like my girlfriend, or more accurately the image I held of her was falling apart in front of me.
Things started to get bad back at school. In a way, I was her security blanket. Each and every time I tried to hang out with my friends, she would freak out and demand that I stay with her. If I refused, she would either sob in the hallway or call her mother to rant about how much an ass I was being. Slowly, I became isolated from the rest of the world. Once, when I talked with her ex-best friend for a couple of hours via texting, I was confronted the next morning and accused of "cheating" on her. It got to the point where I was afraid to talk to anyone other than her or my family because I was worried that she would find out and misinterpret, somehow.
Sounds weak and foolish? I know. I was a total pussy. I became depressed in a way, my grades dropped, and I felt horrible physically unless I was right next to M. It's kind of like what happened to the director of Super Size Me :P
My parents sent me to a therapist, which I actually enjoyed. The therapist, J, helped me get back on track and actually voice my opinions. Unfortunately, M retaliated by taking up self-injury. She used to appear every morning after I spent time with someone else with news cuts on her arms. At first, she tried to cover them up unsuccessfully, and later tried to wear them like some sort of war wound (this didn't work either...).
As I started to get my life back together, M fell into depression. She started mentioning the boy whom she'd had a crush on for years constantly, which made me totally jealous, as it was meant to. Later, she turned to insulting me and boasting. The two went hand in hand, in an attempt to boost her self-confidence through tearing me down. I was her opponent, and she wasn't about to give up the race. I was told that I wouldn't make it in the end
Every time I confronted her, she wound up sobbing on my shoulder, promising that things would change, that she would get medications, and that she loved me more than she could express. I would apologize for being an asshole and calling her on the stuff she couldn't control.
So, things went like this for a few months, but I demanded more freedom for myself. When I started talking to my friends (my best friend J had been nothing less than hostile to me and M for months), all I found was crowds of people telling me to break up with my girlfriend. Nobody understood how fucked up the situation was, and I didn't want to burden them with it. I reached out to the people in my life that I knew had been in similar situations. I had the term "codependency" explained to me for the first time, and things fell into a new light.
I could go on complaining like this for hours, but I don't want to whine and I hope I don't come off as a teenager looking for pity from strangers. I'll wrap this up. ;-)
To make a long story short, a bunch more shit happened, and we eventually broke up. It may seem like I hate this girl, but as fucked up as she may be, I still love(d) her. We agreed to stay friends, and things have gone fairly well, except for a few moments where I temporarily forgot we had broken up and tried to kiss her.
recently, we've started spending time together in school, but it's always casual. In a fit of fucking stupidity, however, I admitted that I'm still deeply attracted to her. She stared at me, then continued talking.
My question is, after all the shit that has gone down and the horrible things she's said to me, is it still possible for us to be friends? I've heard that exes remaining close is usually a mistake, but in a way, I have to keep up a good relationship. She'll be returning to my school next year, and I'm sure as hell not changing to avoid her. I don't want to get sucked back into this relationship, but I also don't want to leave her an outcast inside the school because of what happened between us. She's a brilliant person, and I'm starting to see the person that I feel in love with again...
*SIGH*
Thanks for even reading this...it's totally fucking complicated right now.
Any advice/comments are appreciated! ;-)
~Tunesmith
Tunesmith on
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I recommend against getting back together with her, no matter how much you may be tempted. It's unlikely that she will have changed.
No.
I'm sorry. In many situations, people can be friends after the end of a relationship, but there are a lot of prerequisites. The fact that there were a lot of issues during your relationship, and that you are still attracted to her, point to a friendship not being successful. I've seen this kind of thing with friends in my own life, and it never ends well.
I'm sorry that things have been so bad, but the best thing you can do is let things casually die off. If you don't, I promise you will kick yourself later.
As I stated in the beginning, this is just my gut feeling, and I could be wrong.
Sooner or later though, you'll meet someone who is a better fit and, to tell the truth, you'll realize that this bag of issues is not the best thing in the world (you may realize it now but I'm talking in the gut, how you react around her, that odd sense of reverence that doesn't let you be casual in her presence).
Sucks, been there, don't go back, it will be more of the same, I promise. Cut the ties right now. Be a friend if she needs it but only at the utmost when she really needs someone. And, even then, make sure that it doesn't become regular. People like this have a way of being manipulative, as I'm sure you've noticed, and you need to be the one in control.
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You don't have to avoid her, but don't focus on her. If she comes by and talks, don't push her away. But don't think about her as an ex girlfriend, thing about her just as M, the person you know a bit more about than most people. Don't gossip about her, don't bring her up in your conversations with friends, and don't pine over her. Try to get another girlfriend, and when you do get another girlfriend, don't talk about her (other than comments like "yeah she was crazy").
Yeah, that might be a problem. I almost kissed her today, but stopped myself from leaning in when I realized she was staring at me.
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It sounds like all of this is a bit raw for you right now. Give it some time, allow yourself to meet other people and get over it. Later, if you find you're no longer interested in her except as a friend, it'll probably be fine. For now, you need to try to get some distance (emotionally if not physically).
Then leave her the hell alone.
Satans..... hints.....
Strangely enough, doing this has always resulted in the girl trying to get back with me, or at least trying to be friends with me again.
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A sentence that i have lived by through attempted oppressive girlfriends is : "I do love you but you arent they only part of my life".
If you dont think she can accept that, then you should stay away.
But if you go down that road again, it has a tendancy to remind you why you broke up with them in the first place. This seems to be a recurring theme in my friends lives (and mine). And thus you have to break up with them again.
On a wierd side note, this is why I like writing stuff down. Blogging, pen and paper, whatever. Helps you remember the SHIT side of things when it's necessary. Because brains have a decent ability to "forget" those things.
Then she kissed me and told me that she loved me. Talk about hypocrisy.
And I fucking stupidly kissed her back. :x
I just can't separate myself from her. We're still going to run into each other every day, and I can't completely ignore my attraction to her.
Phil, I know exactly what you mean. I actually have evidence of how she screwed me over, but it seems like I can't remember all the horrible things that have happened when she's within a 20-foot radius.
Well to put it bluntly, you have two options left -
1. let her keep walking all over you and owning you like she is doing right now
2. suck it up and stay away from her and control yourself
If you can't tell, I'd reccomend 2.
You're too young to have this kind of crap placed into your life. I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean that hey, there are very few times in a man's life where he gets to have relatively baggage-free relationships, and you're living in one of them. Go get one.
Oh. And don't sleep with her, thinking that you can do the 'no strings attached' sex thing. Cause there will be strings, and some of them are very, very nasty. Clean break all the way. Be nice to her, be good to her, but don't get involved. If you have issues saying no, or take what she does to herself personally, then remove yourself completely to the best of your ability. That way you can be sure you have done what you can to control the situation, and what ha[[ens outside of that is not your responsibility.
to the OP: So you kissed her. eh, everyone makes mistakes. She's playing with you now and while it's not the ideal, it's not like it's the end of the world either. If you don't want to be explicitly mean, just let what you did signify "goodbye." Don't take it so heavily, either. Just because you kissed each other doesn't mean you're suddenly dating again, and it doesn't mean you can't start being single *for real* as well as looking for other potential dates.
to me, the big problem with being yanked around like you are is that it's stressful. If you're not actively looking to date another girl, and you don't really care what this girl's intentions are (as in, you make a point to never actually go on a date or date her again), her flirting with you is meaningless. Maybe that's a little zen, but just tell your friends that you two are broken up and she'll probably still be playful, but maybe not, so either way you don't really care. Tell them that there's no point in asking you about her since you know as much as they do now.
The best thing you can do is to try not to be alone with her. The good news is that the school year is nearly up and I assume that the avoidance thing will be possible then. But really, it's something that you aren't going to be able to run away from in your situation for right now, I'd just try to limit the chances you'd have to actually act on your feelings.
You'll get over her. If you stop focusing so much energy on her, she'll stop being such a huge presence in your life. Just take a step back and look real hard at the dynamics of the relationship, how she's trying to control you and everyone around her, that she's still doing it when you're "just friends," and think about if you really want that in someone you hang out with.
Good luck, and remember that whatever she does it's not your fault.
And Herby, yeah, our graduating class this year is the largest in a decade, and it consisted of twelve people. You have to either get along with the majority of people, or you're screwed, which is why I'm in no hurry to break this thing off entirely.
Thank you, everyone. School ends for me tomorrow, actually, and hopefully things won't be too fucked up during the summer, as we're both going to be away for months, with a two-week overlap at home.
I just hope this doesn't have too many fucking repercussions and that we can both move on...