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scariest animal you could probably kill in a fight

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    DepressperadoDepressperado I just wanted to see you laughing in the pizza rainRegistered User regular
    what's the scariest animal you have fought?

    mine is a goat

    regular goat, not mountain

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    LucedesLucedes might be real Registered User regular
    the scariest animal i have fought? medium-large dog, alternately human beings.

    the scariest animals i have killed unarmed? just black widows, not much of a killer generally.

    the scariest animals i have seen in person in the wild: black bear, moose, rattlesnake, bobcat.

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    DepressperadoDepressperado I just wanted to see you laughing in the pizza rainRegistered User regular
    oh yeah I haven't killed any animals to speak of, just centipedes and stuff

    I saw a mountain lion once, but from like, 300 yards away, and the guide was like "okay a couple of minutes to look at it, but then we are going to move very quickly in the opposite direction."

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    StraightziStraightzi Here we may reign secure, and in my choice, To reign is worth ambition though in HellRegistered User regular
    Yeah, just dogs and humans probably. Neither of which really wanted to kill me that bad at the end of the day (nor did I them). I guess I could argue that I've fought with a horse in the sense of like, having been bucked and/or dealing with attempted bucks, but that doesn't really feel entirely fair to the spirit of the question.

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    PinfeldorfPinfeldorf Yeah ZestRegistered User regular
    I would fight any bird if the pay is good enough. Roosters think they're tough but I'm pretty sure if I was able to kick a 40 yard field goal in high school I could kick a rooster to fucking Vermont.

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    BurtletoyBurtletoy Registered User regular
    3cl1ps3 wrote: »
    Pinfeldorf wrote: »
    3cl1ps3 wrote: »
    sarukun wrote: »
    Juggernut wrote: »
    40 to 50 enraged chickens. I think my powerful sweeping roundhouse kicks could take out about 5 to 6 at a time. The rest I would have to Wing Chun out of the air with extreme precision.

    The danger here comes from chickens latent velociraptor DNA and their tendency to fight in packs. You run the risk of being overwhelmed. Throw some roosters into the mix and you've got a real knuckle cracker dust up.

    I fought a rooster once. They're bastards of a certain order slightly below "methhead with a kitchen knife" but higher than "runaway electric pushmower".

    I assure you, no amount of DNA of any kind is going to give a chicken enough brains to actually “fight in packs”

    spoken like a man who's never been hunted across an island by a pack of chickens

    You have just described every man.

    you haven't seen the things I have

    squawks at twilight. bacawks in the dark...

    Hens are normally quite docile.

    But there is a reason cock fighting is a blood sport.

    Cricket fighting is also a blood sport and I've probably killed a thousand crickets by, like, accidentally stepping on them without even noticing

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    tynictynic PICNIC BADASS Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited July 2023
    what's the scariest animal you have fought?

    mine is a goat

    regular goat, not mountain

    A rat. Less of a fight, more of a hit and run - i was jogging out one night near the wharfs, rat ran straight into my foot and i accidentally booted him a couple of meters. He turned around and looked like he was squaring up for more, so I took off at speed.
    Not sure who technically won that one.

    I have also fought an octopus, but i was fighting it with the intention of freeing it, not injuring it, so we were kind of on the same team. Not that the octopus figured that out. Also, it had a knife.

    tynic on
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    tynictynic PICNIC BADASS Registered User, ClubPA regular
    I have run away from a lot of animals, though. Discretion is the better part of valour, after all.

    New qu: what's the least scary animal you've run from? Mine is probably a small pack of chihuahuas.

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    TynnanTynnan seldom correct, never unsure Registered User regular
    Octopus beaks freak me the fuck out. I don't understand how people handle those creatures safely.

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    3cl1ps33cl1ps3 I will build a labyrinth to house the cheese Registered User regular
    Tynnan wrote: »
    Octopus beaks freak me the fuck out. I don't understand how people handle those creatures safely.

    My wife volunteered with the octopus keepers at the NEA for awhile and she said the rule of thumb is to make sure they never get hold of both your arms, but mostly they won't bite you unless you do something untoward.

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    TynnanTynnan seldom correct, never unsure Registered User regular
    So they're like a cat, but somehow even more wriggly. Got it.

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    minor incidentminor incident expert in a dying field njRegistered User regular
    I did "fight" a deer once, also in the sense that I was freeing the big dummy from being tangled in a fence. And let me tell you, I would not want to be actual-for-real fighting a deer. Antlers are no joke.

    Ah, it stinks, it sucks, it's anthropologically unjust
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    JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    Cows, mostly, in the form of hand-to-hand wrestling to get them flanked for branding on my maternal granddad's ranch. He didn't believe in squeeze chutes, so one of my cousins would rope a goddamn 300 pound yearling and drag it off its feet so the rest of us could tackle it and hold it down. My usual post was grabbing one hind leg and pulling on it while I braced my boots against the other.

    Although the only time it really came to blows was when I doing traffic control for my paternal granddad, who did believe in squeeze chutes. My position involved sliding a six-foot length of pipe across the alley between the butt of the next contestant and the brisket of the following cow in line, so that you wouldn't end up with two cows trying to get into the squeeze at once. I hadn't slid it across all the way to lock against the upright on the other side of the alley when the next cow surged forward. The resulting demonstration of leverage knocked me several feet in a flat horizontal trajectory and also right the fuck out. I was about seven years old at the time, so the pipe was right at noggin level.

    Well played, brave cow. May we all comport ourselves so well when a bunch of hicks are trying to burn their initials on our butts.

    GDdCWMm.jpg
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    TofystedethTofystedeth Registered User regular
    Juggernut wrote: »
    I feel like I told the story here but my mom adopted a real bastard of a rooster from somebody at her church because my mother is a Saint and runs what I can only describe as a chicken retirement facility. She told me she had to fight him off with a stick to feed him because he was a real bastard.

    So I was like, I will go assert my dominance over the chicken and correct this behavior. I go down and open the coop door (which is raised so you have to step up about 2 feet to get into it) and this absolute fucking APC of a chicken turns around and slowly draws up to his full height, looks me dead in the fucking eyes, face to face, before spreading his wings out and falcon kicking at me with his velociraptor spurs.

    I had this twiggy branch as my only weapon and it took several hellacious THWACKS across his mean mug to get him to retreat to the corner.

    In conclusion: There are only two types of roosters: dumb idiot babies and HATE FUCK MURDER FUCK SHIT FUCK KILL MACHINE

    When my uncle a kid a rooster on their farm attacked him and he ran away from it. He tripped and it got on his back and was pecking and clawing at him until my grandfather got there to help.

    They had chicken soup that night.

    steam_sig.png
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    sarukunsarukun RIESLING OCEANRegistered User regular
    The scariest anything I have fought is definitely “I should have said that” verbal fights that happen in my head after I have already been vanquished.

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    LucedesLucedes might be real Registered User regular
    i fought a flock of geese once

    i lost pretty bad tbh

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    PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    tynic wrote: »
    I have run away from a lot of animals, though. Discretion is the better part of valour, after all.

    New qu: what's the least scary animal you've run from? Mine is probably a small pack of chihuahuas.

    an errant spider web

    I never win those

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    UrielUriel Registered User regular
    I sometimes find a spider and trap it in a cup and throw it into the bushes outside

    Does that count as winning a fight

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    TayaTaya Registered User regular
    My childhood cat escaped from my house once I had to bring her back inside while she went absolutely batshit. I won the battle but I took some damage.

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    Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    One of my childhood cats latched onto my wrist once

    I hit him against the sofa until he let go, so I technically ended the fight

    The cat was unscathed, but I had a row of incisions on my wrist that luckily didn't get infected

    I'd call that a draw

    [Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
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    ProlegomenaProlegomena Frictionless Spinning The VoidRegistered User regular
    a mole once decided to try and pop out of the ground directly beneath my foot for some reason but I wouldn't describe it as a fight

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    proxy_hueproxy_hue Registered User regular
    tynic wrote: »
    I have run away from a lot of animals, though. Discretion is the better part of valour, after all.

    New qu: what's the least scary animal you've run from? Mine is probably a small pack of chihuahuas.

    here's the thing: i'm quite capable of being afraid or conjuring reasons to fear a lot of stuff, so anything i can think of running from i'm immediately like "no i think that was reasonable to run from", even if the animal posed no actual harm.

    harmless animals i have run (or swam desperately away) from:

    carpenter bees*
    bumblebees
    moths (nearly all kinds)
    carpenter ants
    American giant millipedes
    jumping spiders
    earwig
    goat (kid)
    comb jellies**
    minnows

    * once I figured out they were just dive bombing me to try to mate with anything that moved i became a lot less concerned and had fun tossing pebbles in the air for them to chase

    ** i did actually go back and continue pulling the boat off the shore into the bay, but it had to take much cajoling and assurances from my fellows. i later found out they had no idea what they were and just really need to get the boat going before the tide went out and we were just grounded for possibly a season.

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    see317see317 Registered User regular
    I sometimes find a spider and trap it in a cup and throw it into the bushes outside

    Does that count as winning a fight

    If you are fighting the bushes, yes. The ol' "Cupful of spiders to the face" is a winning tactic 90% of the time.

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    tynictynic PICNIC BADASS Registered User, ClubPA regular
    I've never run from an actually scary animal because mostly with a really scary animal you dont wanna trigger any sort of chasing reflex, but i have walked calmly but briskly away from
    - black mambas
    - red bellied black snakes
    - brown snakes
    - surprise warthog
    - roided up male kangaroos
    - black bears
    - baboons

    (Listed in approximate order of "oh shit")

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    DepressperadoDepressperado I just wanted to see you laughing in the pizza rainRegistered User regular
    I don't ever want to be close to a baboon

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    TynnanTynnan seldom correct, never unsure Registered User regular
    I’ve banged pots and pans at a few black bears. Giddaway.

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    UrielUriel Registered User regular
    see317 wrote: »
    I sometimes find a spider and trap it in a cup and throw it into the bushes outside

    Does that count as winning a fight

    If you are fighting the bushes, yes. The ol' "Cupful of spiders to the face" is a winning tactic 90% of the time.

    Cup spiders! Shshaw!

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    Kane Red RobeKane Red Robe Master of Magic ArcanusRegistered User regular
    edited July 2023
    I decked an copperhead snake in the head with a shovel once after my neighbor accidentally shot it out of her leaf blower into my backyard. I'd have let it leave peacefully but the, understandably, perturbed reptile was in no mood to slink off when the dogs started barking at it. I tried to wrangle the dogs inside but once the snake was rearing up for a fight I grabbed the nearest polearm. I think that's probably the scariest animal I've won a fight with.

    Kane Red Robe on
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    StraightziStraightzi Here we may reign secure, and in my choice, To reign is worth ambition though in HellRegistered User regular
    For whatever reason I can only imagine that as like, using the leaf blower to vacuum up the snake (not how leaf blowers work, I'm aware) and then switching to to blow mode and doing an artillery lob over an eight foot fence that consists of a single extremely angry snake.

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    UrielUriel Registered User regular
    Straightzi wrote: »
    For whatever reason I can only imagine that as like, using the leaf blower to vacuum up the snake (not how leaf blowers work, I'm aware) and then switching to to blow mode and doing an artillery lob over an eight foot fence that consists of a single extremely angry snake.

    Sounds like something from GI Joe

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    VicVic Registered User regular
    I've fought humans (well, one human) twice, and lost both times. What makes this way worse is that I kind of started both fights. Considering how much I've mellowed out since this loss streak might never be broken.

    As for wild animals I've defeated, my biggest kill is almost undoubtedly a 12 lb pike I fished up when I was a teenager. You could easily argue that wasn't a fair fight though, since I pulled it up from its natural habitat. In that case, the answer might be a lemming. I once hiked with my classmates in the tundra of northern Sweden, when we suddenly heard some shrill cries from close behind. It turned out that one of us had accidentally stepped on a poor little lemming, causing what was almost certainly lethal damage. I'm far from sure it was me who actually stepped on it though, no one admitted to it but I have my suspicions.

    If that's out then I think I'm down to insects. I think the scariest insect I've killed was a 2-inch giant water beetle larva. I'd fished it out of the pond by our summer home when I was a little kid, thinking I had caught a salamander only to find to my horror that I had caught half a salamander and the larval monstrosity eating it. To my young mind, there had to be vengeance.

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    JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    The least scary animal I would lose a fight to is literally any aquatic animal in murky water. If your beloved childhood goldfish brushes up against my shin in water where I can't see the bottom, I am going into full shrill screaming arm waving super runaway mode, nothing underwater means you well.

    GDdCWMm.jpg
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    Kane Red RobeKane Red Robe Master of Magic ArcanusRegistered User regular
    edited July 2023
    Straightzi wrote: »
    For whatever reason I can only imagine that as like, using the leaf blower to vacuum up the snake (not how leaf blowers work, I'm aware) and then switching to to blow mode and doing an artillery lob over an eight foot fence that consists of a single extremely angry snake.

    Not entirely inaccurate! Apparently the snake had crammed itself into the comfy den it found of the leaf blower tube which had been sitting in my neighbor's backyard for a few days. So yes, when said neighbor picked up the leaf blower and pulled the cord to start it she had it at about a 45° angle and launched the snake over the 6' privacy fence like some kind of serpent mortar.

    Edit: In her defense our neighbor immediately started yelling and running over to alert us she'd just accidentally hit us with the world's first snake artillery.

    Kane Red Robe on
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    StraightziStraightzi Here we may reign secure, and in my choice, To reign is worth ambition though in HellRegistered User regular
    Oh my god

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    3cl1ps33cl1ps3 I will build a labyrinth to house the cheese Registered User regular
    what a weird day for that snake

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    mrpakumrpaku Registered User regular
    I once got surprised in the dark and accidentally cornered a skunk underneath my parent's deck with a hose and my dog

    After way too long, I stopped spraying and the little guy was shivering helpless in the cement corner and I felt absolutely horrible for what I'd done, so making another bad decision I gently wrapped him in a towel and walked him two blocks to some overgrown ditches near a wood. He didn't spray me once the whole walk, and let me try to dry him (I was waiting for my instant karma at any second) so I guess he thought we were even?

    I also fished a raccoon out of a dumpster with my bare arm, which looking back was also real dumb! He didn't scratch or bite me, but after he realized he was out and free immediately turned around and hissed at me, which was when I suddenly remembered it was a wild animal with claws and teeth and not a iddle teddy bear

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    furlionfurlion Riskbreaker Lea MondeRegistered User regular
    When i was a in my early teens i were standing on my back porch taking a leak when i heard a hissing sound. I looked around and couldn't identify it for several seconds. Eventually i looked directly to my left and standing atop a piece of wood leaning against the porch was a medium sized opossum. I jumped and peed all over myself but the opossum fell off the wood. Going to call that one a draw.

    sig.gif Gamertag: KL Retribution
    PSN:Furlion
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    DepressperadoDepressperado I just wanted to see you laughing in the pizza rainRegistered User regular
    furlion wrote: »
    When i was a in my early teens i were standing on my back porch taking a leak when i heard a hissing sound. I looked around and couldn't identify it for several seconds. Eventually i looked directly to my left and standing atop a piece of wood leaning against the porch was a medium sized opossum. I jumped and peed all over myself but the opossum fell off the wood. Going to call that one a draw.

    if I had a dæmon like in His Dark Materials, tbh, it'd probably be a possum.

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