Should I care?

Fireflash

Before I begin, a brief description of the characters involved in this story (names have been changed to protect the innocent :

-Me: Well that's obvious.

-Suzy: Ex-girlfriend, we were together for a little over 2 years, then she left me. She left me about 2.5 years ago. After that her life gradually went downhill, she started doing drugs, more and more, and eventually moved back to our hometown to get away from that life. But apparently this didn't help much she kept doing drugs (bad stuff like sniffing speed). I don't keep much contact with her, only talking to her ever so rarely.

-Alex: Long-time friend of mine, still currently living in our hometown. He will be moving to Montreal this summer and become my roomate.

-Anna: Friend of mine, used to be a very good friend of Suzy when the 2 of us were together, but now she doesn't even consider her a friend since Suzy pretty much abandonned all of her original friends when entering the wonderful world of drug abuse. Anna can be a mean one sometime and is not afraid to tell people what she thinks, but she's not one to invent stories and I trust her.


So I hadn't talked to Suzy or heard any news from her in a few months. A month ago she sent me an email, to catch up on what was going on with my life, and on what was going on with her. Told me that she was working on making her life better, working on herself. I got another mail from her last week, saying she was moving back to Montreal this summer, and had greatly dimished her drug consumption, she was doing better, bla bla bla. Even if we haven'ty been together for a long time, I still care for her well-being and was happy to hear about this.


Then last night I go out downtown with Anna for a few drinks. She tells me that this week she was with people that saw Suzy recently. Apparently she looked a bit messed up, her nose damaged like a junky who snorted too much shit. She also tells me that Alex kinda slipped and told her he had given Suzy a car ride so that she may go see some drug dealer currently in jail. Now THIS, I really don't like. Suzy has a drug problem and Alex inderectly contributed to this by helping her meet some criminal involved with drugs.


I have no idea of the details exactly, I don't know if Alex gave her a lift 1 time, or multiple times... the criminal might some some boyfriend she screws with to get free drugs or whatever, I don't know. But Alex told Anna not to talk about this, I'm pretty sure Alex didn't want me to know. Thus Anna told me that maybe she shouldn't have talked to me about this, and pleaded me not to confront Alex.

But goddamn, I can't beleive he would contribute to her life of drugs like that (even if this is very minor) , nor understand why he would do it and it pisses me off a bit.

But from another perspective, Suzy is not my girlfriend, I'm not even part of her life anymore, what happens and what others do to her is none of my buisness. And since I don't know the timeline of all this stuff, I have no idea if this stuff Suzy told me about slowly getting back on track has any truth to it or is just complete bullshit. Even considering that what she told me is bullshit kinda hurts me a bit. I don't understand why she would try to convince me otherwise.

Oh and if this has any relevance, a few months back (last fall I think) Another female friend told me Suzy still talked to her about me sometimes, saying I was one of the best thing that had happened in her life.

So is it normal that this situation affects me now that I'm a bit more aware of it, should I even care about all of this or just keep my mouth shut forever and just forget about it.

Ziac45

I personally wouldn't confront him. I mean, he knows the situation confronting him would only alienate Anna and your furture roommate, and if suzi is lying to you confronting alex won't stop her from getting drugs.

Sinheliopistostopheles

Don't.

hamburger helper

Sinheliopistostopheles wrote: »

Don't.

witch_ie

You don't need to confront him about it at this point or even let on. If Alex is continuing to support Suzie's drug habit:

1) It will become evident when you guys are roomies and you can talk about it then
2) He would be replaced by someone else even if he stopped (assuming it's more than a 1 time thing)

Essentially, there is no point in discussing it now. Also, if you do end up talking to him about it, don't talk to him about in a "confronting" manner. Just share your concerns about not supporting her drug habit, even if it means cutting off contact while she's on drugs. Don't get mad at Alex for it. A lot of people don't understand how to deal with people with drug habits and he may be one of them.

Also, I hate to tell you this, but right now, you can't trust anything Suzie says. The only way to know if someone whether someone has kicked their habit is to observe their behavior over years. Most of those with drug problems I've known have lied about it when asked if and how long they'd been sober.

Serphimera

Suzie is an adult who can and will make her own decisions whether they are good ones or not. While I don't think that helping her get drugs (even indirectly) is OK, she is going to do what she wants with or without Alex. Alex may not even have meant to help her get drugs, i.e., she lied and told him she was doing something else.

So, I guess all you can really do is wait and see. Ultimately, you don't know what's going on and Suzie isn't your responsibility.

Fireflash

Yeah, I won't bring up the topic with Alex, it's none of my buisness. And I'll wait till I meet Suzy again to make my own opinion on how she is doing. But as I said, I still care for her well being, and if I find out that she is still quite into drugs, it will sadden me a bit, even hurt me a bit possibly. And in that scenario I wonder if it would just be better for me if I cut off contact with her completely and let her dig herself into a hole of misery if that's the life she chose.

witch_ie

If you really care for her, you won't be able to cut her off completely. What you can do though is make it clear to her that if she's using, you don't want to see her, but that you do want her in your life. Set it up as her choice to make. It may sound like an ultimatum, but it's really not. It's showing her that you support who she is, but you don't support the drugs.

Sonos

i'm sure she moved to a big city like montreal to get away from drugs. urban areas are notorious for being drug free. as much as it sucks i'd steer clear she sounds like a junkie since it sounds like you have your act together.

wunderbar

hamburger helper wrote: »

Sinheliopistostopheles wrote: »

Don't.

Æthelred

You don't have to concern yourself with Suzie, but if your soon-to-be roommate is getting involved (even tangentially) with the drug scene then you can certainly voice your concerns to him. Especially since from what you said it seems he's been giving her lifts to a drug dealer.. Just don't be heavy-handed about it.

3lwap0

Æthelred wrote: »

You don't have to concern yourself with Suzie, but if your soon-to-be roommate is getting involved (even tangentially) with the drug scene then you can certainly voice your concerns to him. Especially since from what you said it seems he's been giving her lifts to a drug dealer.. Just don't be heavy-handed about it.

I think I have to agree with this. Especially if you're going to live with the guy - this is the kind of thing that can eat at you until you have a satisfactory answer. Taking a passive aggressive stance isn't healthy.

That being said, you should approach this with great care. I would suggest seeking the truth first, confirm the rumor. Then, if you feel it's appropriate, express your opinion on the matter and why it matters to you. I think you do a disservice to yourself, and your friend, if you can't discuss this.

This is something that obviously bothers you. Be careful and tactful with the manner in which you approach and handle this, and I think you'll be okay. Good luck.

Sinheliopistostopheles

Don't surround yourself with drug addicts and drug dealers. Just don't.

Feral

3lwap0 wrote: »

I think I have to agree with this. Especially if you're going to live with the guy - this is the kind of thing that can eat at you until you have a satisfactory answer. Taking a passive aggressive stance isn't healthy.

That being said, you should approach this with great care. I would suggest seeking the truth first, confirm the rumor. Then, if you feel it's appropriate, express your opinion on the matter and why it matters to you. I think you do a disservice to yourself, and your friend, if you can't discuss this.

This is something that obviously bothers you. Be careful and tactful with the manner in which you approach and handle this, and I think you'll be okay. Good luck.

Yes. This is sensible advice.

To the OP, keep some perspective here. All this ado is about one action:

She also tells me that Alex kinda slipped and told her he had given Suzy a car ride so that she may go see some drug dealer currently in jail.

Without knowing the details there's absolutely no way to judge this. You don't know why Suzy went to go see this guy, you don't know what Suzy told Alex, or what Alex's motivations were. You don't know how much contact Alex and Suzy have. You don't know if this was one-time occurrence. There are a million possible scenarios here and without talking to Alex about it, you shouldn't jump to any conclusions.

I understand your dilemma that Anna has begged you not to confront him. It's probably easy for Anna to say that - she doesn't have to live with the guy. You do. One day, when you and Alex are talking on the phone, ask him the following question: "So, how much contact do you have with Suzy?" If he suspects that Anna spilled the beans, don't admit it, just say "It is important to me that I keep Suzy and her problems at an arm's distance and I need to know that whoever I'm living with shares my attitudes about the drug scene."

You don't need to incriminate Anna, and at the same time you should give Alex the benefit of the doubt. But you need to figure this out before you move in with somebody who you don't completely trust.