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Girlfriend and her "just friend"
Chesterton
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
This is not so much to ask for advice as just asking other people's perspectives on something, as to how I can behave as best as possible...
First, background. My girlfriend and I have been dating for two years, are quite serious and it even looks like we may end up marrying in the next year or two. This would not be the case unless I trusted her completely, which I do. I truly have zero doubt about where her affections lie.
Now, we're currently doing the long-distance relationship thing - She's on the other side of the country, I'm here working.
Anyway, she calls me yesterday, and in a slightly apologetic tone of voice asks if I mind if she goes out for dinner and a movie with a guy friend of hers, just her and him, because it's the only chance they'll probably have to see eachother for a while.
Now, this guy has known her for a long time. He used to have a crush on her, and was pissed at her when she started dating her old boyfriend. When they broke up after 2 years, he evidently still liked her a fair bit and asked her out. She liked him "as a friend," and though she almost went on a date or two with him just for the fun of it, she decided not to, partially because she realized that although he was rich and good looking and witty at small talk, she and him had absolutely nothing in common, and partially because she was beginning to get to know me at the time.
6 months later, her and I start dating. This guy is pissed, again, so much so that he doesn't even speak to her for several months. Her attitude has been "screw him, he's being stupid." But recently he's started being nice to her again...emailing her, inviting her to do things, cumulating in yesterdays invitation to dinner.
So, she calls and asks me if I mind. To be honest, I'm a bit annoyed. As I said, I have absolutely no doubt where her affections lie, and am absolutely confident about her intentions. But.. not so much with him. I know how guys are. I've been in that place before, I know how hope springs eternal in the infatuated male heart. I strongly suspect he is making an (ineffectual) attempt to turn her affections towards himself, or position himself for the rebound if anything happens between her and I.
It's futile... I know how she thinks of him. So for her, this whole dinner thing is purely "just friends," not a big deal. I do believe she is possibly naive enough to believe that is true of him as well, or else it doesn't matter to her.
Despite my annoyance, I told her I didn't mind, because it makes me out to be a jealous asshole if I forbade her... And really, we're just dating, we've never made any vows to forsake all others, yet. So I don't really have any grounds to say no. Plus, realizing how she is thinking of it, I wouldn't want to say no and deny her a fun night with a friend, because that's all she thinks it is.
But I'm still not happy with the situation.... and it seems a little odd, going out to dinner with a guy. I can understand doing some activity, or if there were other people in the group, but this... it grates on me.
So, my question is, how "big a deal" is that sort of thing seen to be, in most cultures in the US? I know she doesn't see it as that much, but I suspect this other guy might, and to be honest, I do.
And what should I do, beyond the obvious talking to her about it about how I feel? Or should I just suck it up and not even do that? It's not that I feel our relationship is in danger, at all, I just feel disgruntled and miffed at her that she, either through innocence or stubbornness, won't see what (it seems to me) this other guy clearly wants.
First, background. My girlfriend and I have been dating for two years, are quite serious and it even looks like we may end up marrying in the next year or two. This would not be the case unless I trusted her completely, which I do. I truly have zero doubt about where her affections lie.
Now, we're currently doing the long-distance relationship thing - She's on the other side of the country, I'm here working.
Anyway, she calls me yesterday, and in a slightly apologetic tone of voice asks if I mind if she goes out for dinner and a movie with a guy friend of hers, just her and him, because it's the only chance they'll probably have to see eachother for a while.
Now, this guy has known her for a long time. He used to have a crush on her, and was pissed at her when she started dating her old boyfriend. When they broke up after 2 years, he evidently still liked her a fair bit and asked her out. She liked him "as a friend," and though she almost went on a date or two with him just for the fun of it, she decided not to, partially because she realized that although he was rich and good looking and witty at small talk, she and him had absolutely nothing in common, and partially because she was beginning to get to know me at the time.
6 months later, her and I start dating. This guy is pissed, again, so much so that he doesn't even speak to her for several months. Her attitude has been "screw him, he's being stupid." But recently he's started being nice to her again...emailing her, inviting her to do things, cumulating in yesterdays invitation to dinner.
So, she calls and asks me if I mind. To be honest, I'm a bit annoyed. As I said, I have absolutely no doubt where her affections lie, and am absolutely confident about her intentions. But.. not so much with him. I know how guys are. I've been in that place before, I know how hope springs eternal in the infatuated male heart. I strongly suspect he is making an (ineffectual) attempt to turn her affections towards himself, or position himself for the rebound if anything happens between her and I.
It's futile... I know how she thinks of him. So for her, this whole dinner thing is purely "just friends," not a big deal. I do believe she is possibly naive enough to believe that is true of him as well, or else it doesn't matter to her.
Despite my annoyance, I told her I didn't mind, because it makes me out to be a jealous asshole if I forbade her... And really, we're just dating, we've never made any vows to forsake all others, yet. So I don't really have any grounds to say no. Plus, realizing how she is thinking of it, I wouldn't want to say no and deny her a fun night with a friend, because that's all she thinks it is.
But I'm still not happy with the situation.... and it seems a little odd, going out to dinner with a guy. I can understand doing some activity, or if there were other people in the group, but this... it grates on me.
So, my question is, how "big a deal" is that sort of thing seen to be, in most cultures in the US? I know she doesn't see it as that much, but I suspect this other guy might, and to be honest, I do.
And what should I do, beyond the obvious talking to her about it about how I feel? Or should I just suck it up and not even do that? It's not that I feel our relationship is in danger, at all, I just feel disgruntled and miffed at her that she, either through innocence or stubbornness, won't see what (it seems to me) this other guy clearly wants.
Chesterton on
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I would say fucking no way
Why would you even want to put her in a situation like that anyway?
Nothing else needs to be said.
If she wants to go out to dinner with someone, and she asks for your blessing, you would do well to interpret that more as notification than an actual seeking of permission.
:^: to her for letting you know ahead of time, though. Especially if she did it because she anticipated that you'd have a problem with it. You will probably earn major points with her if you just let the issue go.
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I would be totally 100% ok with my girl heading out if she was fully aware of the situation and wasn't 'naive'.
My thoughts exactly. If you trust her, there should be no problem.
And I wouldn't tell her to take a friend unless she normally does that. Thats something parents do to their daughters to keep them from being alone with the neighborhood boy. You're not setting up a play date for your girl friend, just trust her.
And I know I did the right thing. I'm more wondering how to deal with the fact that I am still bothered by it, now, and whether I am justified in that or not... And I think the botherdness comes from irritation at this guy, rather than any mistrust of her.
That being said, I personally feel it's a bit disrespectful to the other person in a relationship to go out to dinner alone with someone who obviously has feelings for you. If she truly wants to see this guy and values the OP's feelings, there is simply no reason they couldn't go together as the couple they are.
He's not 'putting her' in that situation, she's putting herself in that situation.
I understand the OP's concern but Bionic Monkey is right, and so is naporeon - your girlfriend has behaved very properly, and I'm sure she'll be fine. She's probably just eager not to lose what she considers a friend.
But our quality as men is determined by our ability to rise above those feelings.
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They're in a long distance relationship; the OP isn't there to go with them.
It's perfectly natural to feel the way you are feeling, and honestly, the only thing you can do is just to remind yourself it's not a big deal and to forget about it. It's one night that'll soon be over anyway.
I've been you and I've been the other guy on more than one occasion.
PokeCode: 3952 3495 1748
He's not putting her in that situation, she's putting herself in that situation. Seeing as she's a completely seperate person with her own mind and everything, the choice is hers.
Don't listen to this. Not every similar situation is identical.
here's my advice: sometimes you have to be the jealous protective asshole boyfriend. if the nerdy awkward nice guy could eventually win over my girlfriend without even trying, you can bet your ass that suave rich handsome guy is going to try like hell to do the same to yours. a year or so after the fact, i'm glad that she's happy and in a relationship where she can see the guy everyday, but i'm still pissed that i didn't do more to preserve a pretty awesome two and a half year relationship before my girlfriend got way way too emotionally invested in this other guy.
man up, homie. this guy wants your girlfriend. do something about it.
I'm currently the girl in the long distance relationship and I have male friends whom I go out with who may or may not like me. I even still regularly see my ex, and I appreciate that my boyfriend lets me do this. He's never met my ex but he trusts me and I know for certain that he has no cause to worry; I am not attracted to any of the guys or my ex any more, and if I was I wouldn't be with my boyfriend.
Anyway, this is not an advice, just my point of view.
that's just dumb.
the fact that she called and asked what you thought speaks highly of her and her intentions - it was also said that this was a "I won't be able to see my friend for a long time, so we're going to hang out" deal. Not being a jealous asshole wins a lot more "points" than being one.
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And no, he's not her father, but if their relationship is "probably going to get married in a year or two" serious, then yeah, clearing something like this with your partner needs to be done out of respect. If they were just casually dating, absolutely, this wouldn't even be an issue. Not the case if they're planning on marriage, in my opinion.
:P
long distance relationships are for the birds. my latest dating requirements include with definite certainty that we must live in the same city. and 25 years old since they can rent cars.
PokeCode: 3952 3495 1748
So talk with her about it. You did the right thing, but that doesn't mean what you're feeling isn't natural as well. Tell her that you're concerned about this guy's motives, but you do trust her completely. Relationships, especially if you're considering marriage, are built around communication and all that.
And I should note, I've been in this exact situation, minus the long-distance. My wife, when we were in college, worked with and was friends with a guy that had a massive crush on her. She told me everything, and I told her I trusted her completely to handle the situation herself as she saw fit.
Your experience is not everyone else's, and 'birds' is an extremely disrespectful term.
OP, you're doing the right thing.
or it's a test to see how far he will let her go or whether he will put a stop on anything. dont forget that women are an enigma. her intentions are completely masked I would place over $15 dollars on. and with an LD you dont know! the phone does not give away intent very well.
it could go either way.
PokeCode: 3952 3495 1748
I like this one.
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'for the birds' is a figure of speech. 'for the birds' = not a good situation. at least here.
my use of 'bird' wasn't referring to the fairer sex. although now that you bring it up it wouldnt have been meaningfully disrepectful if I had used it in that way.
PokeCode: 3952 3495 1748
that's the thing, though. attraction is built up over time, so if you're in a long distance relationship where you rarely see your boyfriend, and you see these other guys all the time, there's always the chance that you're going to eventually become attracted to the people you see all the time even with the long distance boyfriend.
if this guy just wants one date from the OP's girlfriend, that would piss me off, but i think i could handle it. if it goes beyond that, FUCK NO.
Sorry, I thought a 'not' had slipped in that sentence. I thought he was suggesting that people were too flighty to ever manage long-distance.
Women are not an 'enigma'. They're people that experience the same feelings and emotions that men do. The OP has already said that he trusts her completely and that it's the other man he doesn't. I and a few others are just pointing out that the other man doesn't matter - he can't force someone to like him who isn't willing.
Or she believes she can still retain him as a friend. It does happen. People eventually give up, move on.
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just saying that being untrusting and suspicious will do more to force it a certain way over being trusting.
Chester: I would let her know that it slightly bothers you but that you trust her all the same
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I am hoping it works out for the OP. But it's summer time and new love is in the air...so I don't think it will.
Out of respect to my gf I would choose to not go out with the girl who wants to sleep with me because of how it made my partner feel. OP said she called somewhat guilty so she likely knows it might bug him. And yet she still does. For what? Because the friendship with the guy who wont leave her alone is so strong? To prove she is trustworthy in the eyes of her absent boyfriend.?
the answer to me is a resounding no. be prepared my friend its a lot worse when you can't personally confront someone to gauge the situation. it drags on and on and on...and you aren't getting any younger.
PokeCode: 3952 3495 1748
Hah, no... It's only a month, then I'll see her, then 2 more months, and then we'll be living in the same city. And we've been dating for 2 years in close proximity, and 4 months of that was long distance and we did just fine.
It's not only that I trust her, it's that she's incapable of lying to me. If she was screwing around with someone else, I would be able to tell immediately, even over the phone. If she's worried, embarrassed or concerned about anything, however small, I can usually pick up on it, and I'm the same way to her.
So basically, I'm not worried.
That's the main thing. It feels disrespectful... I certainly wouldn't do anything to her like that. But the whole thing is that I know with absolute certainty that she doesn't see things that way, and if she did, she wouldn't.
Yeah, I'm sure we will. Even if I don't want to talk about it, she'll probably pick up that somethings bothering me. I just don't know whether to repudiate my own feelings to her and say "sorry for feeling this way" (because in a way I am), or say "this is the way I feel, but I still trust you to make your decisions." Ah, well. I'll probably just end up telling her that I'm not sure what to think. She'd be fine with that... we talk things out well.
As I said, I don' feel our relationship is in any danger. I kind of wanted peoples perspectives as to how they would interpret an event like this. Thanks for all the great replies!