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Requesting a comic critique (HijiNKS Ensue)
Posts
Ipsum those bad boys and we'll see how they panel out.
STEAM
Also, does anyone have a link to a good tutorial on shading? I just kind of haphazardly shaded the dinos but I'd like to do it with more rhyme and reason.
-joel
geek comic
www.hijinksensue.com
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(Ack, what's the name of that show? Can't remember!)
What show?
geek comic
www.hijinksensue.com
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The show I mean is the cartoon you're referencing in this latest comic. I remember watching the opening theme on YouTube a few weeks ago, but I can't remember what it's called.
Also, the 'We've strapped machine guns to dinosaurs' line made me think of that other old cartoon, DinoRiders. It's like a literal blast from the past! (*badump-bump*)
Edit - Thank you, Bacon. I knew it was something stupid like that.
Lots of Dinoriders/Dinosaucers info linked here: http://hijinksensue.com/2007/08/20/jurassic-park-4-freakin-dinosaurs-with-freakin-laser-beams/
geek comic
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geek comic
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EDIT: This is the old version of the comic. Check the more recent post to see the revised one
geek comic
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Backgrounds are still a little strange - there's something messed up with the plane (horizon) that they're on - in the first panel it makes the table look like it's floating in between their heads, an illusion probably furthered by the dialog bubbles obscuring the image. Some shading on the floor might help give a better perception of depth.
A niggling problem with your characters is that they still look a little stiff - both characters change the positions of their arms in the first two panels, but their torsos stay static, which looks awkward. This goes doubly for your character in the last panel - he's holding that DS way out from his body, most people would have their elbows cushioned on the sides of their body for support. You'll help convey their motion better if you adjust their torsos (we should see a bit of a deformation as the shoulder shifts away from the central torso mass when the arm raises) to accomodate their new poses.
Lastly, there's lots of little funny bits in this comic, which is great, but the final punchline seems weaker than the rest of the jokes in the previous panel, and the first panel could be cut entirely or used as a standalone with little consequence to this comic. My comedic writing isn't really at the level to offer up suggestions as to how to fix this, but remember that in general the fewer words you use to make your jokes the better.
All in all they're mostly niggling complaints and minor suggestions. The comic is looking better each time I see it, keep up the good work!
STEAM
Thanks for the crits. Many of your points were things that were already bothering me about this comic, so reading your comments just reinforced what I was already thinking. I decided to go back and make some changes. Nothing too drastic, since I would rather make mistakes, learn, and move on than constantly go back and make edits.
I changed the font. That last one just didnt work at all. You can still see the old version in my post below. I also changed the arms holding the DS to be closer to the body. I tried adding some shading to make the table appear further away but it really didnt make that much of a difference since I wasnt sure what to do. I also tweaked some of the expressions and rewrote the dialog a bit.
I'm OK with the first two panels being funnier than the last. I dont think every comic has to end with a punchline. I'd almost rather it seem more conversational than forced. That said, I am still working on condensing my writing. Im from the Whedon school of "more is more" when it comes to words.
I hope this offers at least some improvement.
geek comic
www.hijinksensue.com
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I've already been reprimanded for using a "gasp-take" in the final panel in 4 or 5 comics. I had no idea I was doing that until a reader pointed it out. I guess I just gravitate towards someone doing something shocking and everyone else being speechless. So, no gasps or WTF's for a while.
@Crowelston
Josh is alread making plans for this halloween. If It happens, pics will definitely be posted.
geek comic
www.hijinksensue.com
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And if someone could get a costume like that to work, it would be amazing.
and this one makes the geek inside me happy. Especially one with references to Dinosaucers (good times)
now i have to say that you have alot of text, but thats not a bad thing. the font on the past ones did make it a bit harsh on the eye, but the new font really feels nice after that. BTW whats the name of it? i like to use it too.
other than that i would say the the poses seem a bit stiff. but i guess thats something you'll have to work out in the long run.
BTW: i soooo want to make a big daddy costume. just to spook all those meddling kids in halloween XD
Not that I'm telling you to change them into two separate comics; that'd be a ridiculous request. I'm just saying what I think about it.
The new font is much better, though.
geek comic
www.hijinksensue.com
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geek comic
www.hijinksensue.com
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Geek-splosion and the Big Daddy comic FTFW!
My only "complaint" is that I'm not sure if each strip has a title? I feel like they'd be so much easier to reference with a title. Well, I see now the title of the strip seems to be in the menu bar, but I think it'd be clearer on top of the strip somewhere.
Not really a complaint. Very good work =)
Reducing word count is a challenge you'll continue to work with, as you mentioned repeating too many shocked faces, but I'm confident you'll hit your sweet spot with the progression your making. And that's not to say you can't have stellar comics with plenty of text.
Perhaps as an exercise, make a comic without any text? Or, as I do with my writing, I actually end up striking out 75% of everything that hits the page. That's typically a nice way to trim my page count. You don't have to post the results as a finished piece, but it should give you another angle.
Warframe: TheBaconDwarf
geek comic
www.hijinksensue.com
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Also, The Bioshockstume comic was in the last Joystiq Weekly webcomic poll. Very cool. Lots of new readers for the site.
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Unless frak is a BSG reference that I don't get.
Yes, 'frak' is a BSG reference that you do not get.
Which is pretty surprising. I've only seen 15 minutes of one episode and a 2-minute parody on X-Play, and I still got it.
geek comic
www.hijinksensue.com
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here's the newest comic. I'm getting a lot of feedback that the characters seem too stiff. I worked in this one on "loosening them up" and making them more "cartoony." I think was was able to show a bit more action and emotion. All in all i think it looks more "fun."
geek comic
www.hijinksensue.com
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That nitpicking/warning aside, I've totally been linking these comics to friends. That's my highest comic honor, good sir.
Oh, and since I've been commenting on writing! I love the punchline in this one, I giggled. But I thought of some additional routes to end it, assuming you don't always want to show the violence (but heck, that's fun too). For example, last panel, have the sleeping chap wake up and ask where Eli is. Then insert the punchline of your choosing. Like a bad pun: "Eli needed brand building pointers." Okay, that's awful, but if I recall correctly there were comments about ways to end your comics without the shock value and that's just an example of keeping the joke true in a different format. I hope that's clear. And I hope it's clear I continue to comment because I'm enjoying the comic so much
Warframe: TheBaconDwarf
I think recently, one of the reasons I even consider the PA strips humorous (they've been in a slump in my opinion) is because of the facial expressions. I definitely think you've done better at loosening these characters up.
Thanks for spreading the word to your friends! I never planned Boxcar Pete, MBA to be a recurring character but I did enjoy how he turned out. We might see him again but it wont be for a while. Im not up to date on my VG Cats so I will have to check out this Dr. Hobo you speak of.
The shock/violence at the end is fun but some will argue that its taking the easy way out. When you think of Hoboes, you automatically think of stabbings, so the punchline came naturally. It was also nice when I had lunch with Eli and some friends the next day and everyone was all "stabbed by a hobo, eh?"
geek comic
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Ok, I LOL'd for "used the word hobo when describing the amount of hobos there are in Seattle. " Thats like "these assholes got offended because I called all the assholes assholes." I love it.
I've always tried to draw to reality, even as a child. If I drew a TV or a computer it would always have the right parts and buttons, etc. I think I started this comic with that same subconscious idea, so all my characters had very human proportions and "possible" facial expressions. I really going to try and take this comic into a more-fun-to-look-at type of direction.
Thanks!
geek comic
www.hijinksensue.com
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Thank you for the kind words. Someone on the site commented that he looked British. Im not sure that I planned it that way but he certainly has that look about him.
geek comic
www.hijinksensue.com
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Ha, that must be fun having the joke with your friends.
And now that I think about it, VG Cats killed off Dr. Hobo. So you could totally have the hobo market cornered!!!
Warframe: TheBaconDwarf