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Eh, while that might be generally true, we don't know enough specifics of this case to know if it really is so bad. When you meet someone in college, you're around each other a lot more than if you were out in the real world with 9-5 jobs and separate homes, so relationships tend to develop faster.
OP, have you ever spent any long period of time living with this girl? Like, crashed in her dorm for a few days, or a week?
When you say she's around a lot, is that to say she sometimes lives with you for extended periods of time?
I guess what I'm asking is, do you have any sort of gauge whatsoever as to what it's like sharing personal space with her?
Before she got her city slicker job I was a student and she was a graduate taking a years break before she started a career, the first time she came over it was 2am and I asked her jokingly to come and tidy my room and bring the movie Chasing Amy cause I hadn't seen it, a week later we were getting it on, shed slept round 4 of the past 7 nights, she then stayed round for around 2 to 3 days at a time, then going home for one, then back round again for 2 to 3 days, repeat. It was awesome, we spent a hell of allot of time together doing pretty much nothing.
I move into my new student house on the 1st of September, shes looking for some where to live, with the above in mind, I thought she might as well move into my room, in my student house, instead of renting her own place for hella cash, so she can save to actually buy her own place rather than renting.
Her problem is this, she doesn't want to move in with me, then we split up, and then she have to move out back to her parents and back to nothing relationship wise at the same time. Obviously we both don't think its guna happen but neither of us are stupid and are turning round and unrealistically saying after 4 months "omg True love together forever ftw omgwtfbbq we should get tattooooo'SSS!
I admittedly didn't think of this, for me it was a case of, move in with me, if its not awesome and we break up, move out and then find your own place without me, if not, well it'll have worked out so score.
Any more thoughts?
Cheers guys, iv got a fair amount of time to make this decision, I appreciate the collective minds and the idea's and experiances that come with them.
It was awesome, we spent a hell of allot of time together doing pretty much nothing.
This is basically what I wanted to hear.
If you can maintain a good relationship by hanging out and doing virtually nothing, you're in good shape. I can't say the time you've been together makes this sound promising, but I don't know you guys. I don't know how far you've come in four months, but having said that, I'd think about going for it, so long as the arrangement isn't too binding. Someone before said not to buy "mutual" items. That someone is wise.
Just try it, see what happens. If you guys are mature and stable, and worse comes to worst, you can probably endure deciding that you need more time before trying to live together again.
It's a good start to be so level-headed about this. You guys both being mature and far-sighted increases your chances of success so much more And it sounds like you guys mesh well, personality-wise. It seems that all you need now is to figure out each other's personal habits and idiosyncrasies, and see if you are likely to share living space without wanting to throttle each other. As you say, there's no rush, so I say just leave the door open until she decides she feels comfortable enough to move in with you. She seems to have a good grasp on the situation and possible consequences, so I would trust her judgment.
It IS a major step regardless of your feelings towards personal space or anything else, and if you're going to take that step you shouldn't be rushing it to save on commute time. I'm not saying you shouldn't ever move in with a significant other, but that if you're doing it for any reason other than as a natural progression of the relationship, that it had better be a damned good reason. If you disagree with that, you might be stupid.
This is very true.
There's a shitload to consider when you move in with you significant other.
When my girlfriend and I decided that we were going to move in together, we talked the shit out of it for a year before we packed up and moved. We wanted to be sure that we would be emotionally and logistically prepared to deal with most any situation (financially too).
Now that we're here, things are going so well.
So, I vote no, and I say take your time to think this one over and talk out the pros/cons of rearranging your living situation, especially if it's more for convenience than for the sake of sharing your existence with another person that you love.
Spending 2-3 days together doing nothing is a good sign, but not a sure one. 21 and 22 is still young as far as that commitment thing goes.
If she's working and you're in school, you'll have to spend 2-3 days living together while working.
I've seen so many college students get married during school and their grades ALWAYS suck the immediate following semester.
I'd advise waiting 'til you're out of school. Unless school requires little effort from you because it's easy or you're a freaking genius, but even then, that's no guarantee it's a good idea.
If you're in off campus (student) housing, and she's looking to get an actual place... let her get the place... maybe in a few months YOU will be moving in with her in a real living space... just my two bits.
I'm pretty much behind this.
Actually, having seen your latest post, I'll reconsider. You two sound like you're already in a mature, open spot and that makes a hell of a lot of difference when you have to talk about this stuff and deal with problems. You should have a pretty good shot of it not being an insurmountably difficult situation.
It completely depends on how willing each of you are to compromise. Have you fought yet? It is something I'd seriously take a look at. If you're both willing to be wrong, apologize and truly forgive the other then you're much much more likely to live together successfully. I don't think I'd ever move in with someone that I didn't know how they handled the rougher patches in the relationship, but maybe that's just me.
I'll echo the "don't do it simply for convenience sake" sentiment.
Regardless of how long you've been dating, moving in with your partner is and should be a big deal. If you love this girl within 4 months of dating her, awesome, that's really cool dude. But I personally wouldn't move in with anyone I'd only known for 4 months, simply because I don't think I'd know enough about them all around to know it was a wise decision.
Is your partner financially responsible enough to pay for part of the rent? Will she do her share of the chores, things like that.
Props on this young lady quite possibly being the one, just use caution when moving in with anyone.
She just graduated college at 21 and shes making 80k / year? What the hell does she do? I just graduated from a prestigious engineering school and im not even coming close to that. Forget asking her to move in, just pop the question and be done with it. That way you can retire and let her support you ;-)
If you're in off campus (student) housing, and she's looking to get an actual place... let her get the place... maybe in a few months YOU will be moving in with her in a real living space... just my two bits.
I'm signed up for 12 months rent, thats very cheap, sharing a room in a 6 bedroom house with 5 other people who I get along pretty well with and with no hassle from(2 of whom are going out and have been for coming on 2 years now)
My idea was while she lived in my room (like she practically does at points) she could save what she would be paying on rent, as a down payment on buying her own house, I thought it was a really clever idea that there! ;-)
Didn't really think of all the complications or the big dealness of her actually living with me, it just seemed so normal and, whilst a rapid, natural moving forward of the relationship.
Needless to say, Iv got plenty of time to think about this and talk to as many people as I want to before I, and I guess she, makes her mind up as to whether or not its a good idea.
She just graduated college at 21 and shes making 80k / year? What the hell does she do? I just graduated from a prestigious engineering school and im not even coming close to that. Forget asking her to move in, just pop the question and be done with it. That way you can retire and let her support you ;-)
Don't really wanna go into that, whilst im happy telling everyone exactly where I study and what, its her internet anonymity that that would cover, I don't want anyone to read this and know anything about her by reading something iv posted.
Iv actually gotten a little bit funny about the money shes bringing in, im used to being the most wealthy person of a group, with a sports car at 19, my own little place, etc etc.
Shes come along and totally blown my view on life from that perspective, now I see myself as a bum student with a shitty old wanna be sports car. I'm jealous of her money and predict I will be even more so, especially when shes all "ill buy you this if you still want it next month" about something I wouldn't be able to buy myself in a year let alone a months pay, it makes me feel less of a man not being the main bread winner.
On the other hand, it is pretty cool being with someone who has money, my past GF's have all been stereotypical students with either the same amount or less than myself. Well see, I like her enough for it not to be a problem, so I think ill be ok on that front.
I'm signed up for 12 months rent, thats very cheap, sharing a room in a 6 bedroom house with 5 other people who I get along pretty well with and with no hassle from(2 of whom are going out and have been for coming on 2 years now)
My idea was while she lived in my room (like she practically does at points) she could save what she would be paying on rent, as a down payment on buying her own house, I thought it was a really clever idea that there! ;-)
I would be very careful about this. You never mentioned that before. If I was one of those five people, I would be seriously pissed off that the house was accommodating another person for free. Kitchen space will be reduced, bills will still be cut the same ways, and other issues. I have lived in a place where someone thought they could put another person in their room. That person was forced to leave by our landlord, and we were very happy they went.
They're very cool for letting her stay as long as she does. Don't push it.
And down payments on a house while you are a student is utter madness, but I hope you know that already.
Yeah, uh, trying to bring in an extra person for free when they take up as much space as anyone else does (sans a room of their own) is kind of a shitty thing to force on your roommates. I'd discuss your plans with them first, and determine how much they feel is an appropriate amount for her to pay towards rent and utilities.
Pheezer on
IT'S GOT ME REACHING IN MY POCKET IT'S GOT ME FORKING OVER CASH
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
my brothers last house was a 6 bedroom house share, and one of the guys there had his boyfriend from france come to live with him for 4 months without paying an extra dime. They were all furious about it, and it totally wrecked the guys relationship with the rest of the housemates.
they wouldn't have minded if he was contributing something, but there he was, making food with the oven, putting things in the fridge, using the tv, plugging in his laptop, easily doubling the original guy's bills without ever paying a penny.
also people do often feel very anti couples. it can take you out of the social side of the household somewhat. or you'll find your gf suddenly has long conversations with other people in the living room whilst you're waiting to go to bed or whatever... which would affect different people in different ways. I don't know how i missed the bit about it being a shared house.
some student housing contracts (and some standard shared accomodation rental contracts for that matter) at least here in the uk, have clauses about cohabitation. You see an awful lot of rooms advertised in the property mags which say "NO COUPLES" so you might want to look into it all very carefully, it wouldn't do wonders for your relatinoship if you both ended up homeless.
Fibretip on
I believe in angels, not the kind with wings, no...not the kind with halos, the kind who bring you home
Yeah, I would definitely get your roommates' ok before I let the girl move in. I don't know what the rent situation is -- are the rooms rented out as single units or did the 6 of you get together to rent the house as a whole? Because if you're renting the room directly from a landlord, your roommates don't really have grounds for asking her to pay rent. But if you're pooling money to pay rent on the house, she definitely should chip in.
Since she's been staying at your place a bit, I imagine the situation won't change drastically in general terms, though it sounds like you won't have much privacy, so I think a better idea would be for her to find a place near you that's an easy commute to work, then you can move in with her later if you guys should so decide. More privacy, and no worrying about having to put a pillow over her face at night.
Yea, im definitely going to get an Ok don't worry on that front, im a pretty considerate guy, my housemates like her allot and are always bugging me to bring her out with us when she isn't already with me, and hell, even if it means splitting the rents 7 ways instead of 6, she would still be saving a hell of allot of money to the buy her own house
And down payments on a house while you are a student is utter madness, but I hope you know that already.
I wouldn't be putting any money on a house while im a student, my idea was that this would save her having to rent expensively, allowing her to save allot faster so she can buy her own place instead of renting and giving away her money to someone else.
I'm a little concerned about not being able to escape at all, however right now im listening to the one up show podcast pretty loudly, and shes asleep less than a meter behind me. When we have argued once or twice, neither of us has gotten angry, she sometimes needs space for 10 minutes for a quick break if we do have an argument, but I cant factor that in, shell have to think on how that effects her decision.
If you can get her moved in, without committing her to a contract and your room mates are ok with it then I see absolutely NO issues. If things start to get strained you can both sit down and say "Hey, this isn't working, maybe it was a bit early" and she can find her own spot.
Otherwise you're gold, you and your housemates have someone else to split rent with, she's got cheaper accomodation and you get to spend more time with your girly.
Seriously, if she's not committed to a contract and can leave at any time...there's nothing to worry about.
(Incidentally my gf moved in with me after 3 months or so, it worked for another 5 and then sizzled out after that)
If you can get her moved in, without committing her to a contract and your room mates are ok with it then I see absolutely NO issues. If things start to get strained you can both sit down and say "Hey, this isn't working, maybe it was a bit early" and she can find her own spot.
Yeah, it's great, if it wasn't for 99% likelihood it will never happen.
Posts
Bang on the nose here
This was my line of thought any why iv been so casual about it all.
Before she got her city slicker job I was a student and she was a graduate taking a years break before she started a career, the first time she came over it was 2am and I asked her jokingly to come and tidy my room and bring the movie Chasing Amy cause I hadn't seen it, a week later we were getting it on, shed slept round 4 of the past 7 nights, she then stayed round for around 2 to 3 days at a time, then going home for one, then back round again for 2 to 3 days, repeat. It was awesome, we spent a hell of allot of time together doing pretty much nothing.
I move into my new student house on the 1st of September, shes looking for some where to live, with the above in mind, I thought she might as well move into my room, in my student house, instead of renting her own place for hella cash, so she can save to actually buy her own place rather than renting.
Her problem is this, she doesn't want to move in with me, then we split up, and then she have to move out back to her parents and back to nothing relationship wise at the same time. Obviously we both don't think its guna happen but neither of us are stupid and are turning round and unrealistically saying after 4 months "omg True love together forever ftw omgwtfbbq we should get tattooooo'SSS!
I admittedly didn't think of this, for me it was a case of, move in with me, if its not awesome and we break up, move out and then find your own place without me, if not, well it'll have worked out so score.
Any more thoughts?
Cheers guys, iv got a fair amount of time to make this decision, I appreciate the collective minds and the idea's and experiances that come with them.
This is basically what I wanted to hear.
If you can maintain a good relationship by hanging out and doing virtually nothing, you're in good shape. I can't say the time you've been together makes this sound promising, but I don't know you guys. I don't know how far you've come in four months, but having said that, I'd think about going for it, so long as the arrangement isn't too binding. Someone before said not to buy "mutual" items. That someone is wise.
Just try it, see what happens. If you guys are mature and stable, and worse comes to worst, you can probably endure deciding that you need more time before trying to live together again.
This is very true.
There's a shitload to consider when you move in with you significant other.
When my girlfriend and I decided that we were going to move in together, we talked the shit out of it for a year before we packed up and moved. We wanted to be sure that we would be emotionally and logistically prepared to deal with most any situation (financially too).
Now that we're here, things are going so well.
So, I vote no, and I say take your time to think this one over and talk out the pros/cons of rearranging your living situation, especially if it's more for convenience than for the sake of sharing your existence with another person that you love.
If she's working and you're in school, you'll have to spend 2-3 days living together while working.
I've seen so many college students get married during school and their grades ALWAYS suck the immediate following semester.
I'd advise waiting 'til you're out of school. Unless school requires little effort from you because it's easy or you're a freaking genius, but even then, that's no guarantee it's a good idea.
Actually, having seen your latest post, I'll reconsider. You two sound like you're already in a mature, open spot and that makes a hell of a lot of difference when you have to talk about this stuff and deal with problems. You should have a pretty good shot of it not being an insurmountably difficult situation.
Regardless of how long you've been dating, moving in with your partner is and should be a big deal. If you love this girl within 4 months of dating her, awesome, that's really cool dude. But I personally wouldn't move in with anyone I'd only known for 4 months, simply because I don't think I'd know enough about them all around to know it was a wise decision.
Is your partner financially responsible enough to pay for part of the rent? Will she do her share of the chores, things like that.
Props on this young lady quite possibly being the one, just use caution when moving in with anyone.
I'm signed up for 12 months rent, thats very cheap, sharing a room in a 6 bedroom house with 5 other people who I get along pretty well with and with no hassle from(2 of whom are going out and have been for coming on 2 years now)
My idea was while she lived in my room (like she practically does at points) she could save what she would be paying on rent, as a down payment on buying her own house, I thought it was a really clever idea that there! ;-)
Didn't really think of all the complications or the big dealness of her actually living with me, it just seemed so normal and, whilst a rapid, natural moving forward of the relationship.
Needless to say, Iv got plenty of time to think about this and talk to as many people as I want to before I, and I guess she, makes her mind up as to whether or not its a good idea.
Don't really wanna go into that, whilst im happy telling everyone exactly where I study and what, its her internet anonymity that that would cover, I don't want anyone to read this and know anything about her by reading something iv posted.
Iv actually gotten a little bit funny about the money shes bringing in, im used to being the most wealthy person of a group, with a sports car at 19, my own little place, etc etc.
Shes come along and totally blown my view on life from that perspective, now I see myself as a bum student with a shitty old wanna be sports car. I'm jealous of her money and predict I will be even more so, especially when shes all "ill buy you this if you still want it next month" about something I wouldn't be able to buy myself in a year let alone a months pay, it makes me feel less of a man not being the main bread winner.
On the other hand, it is pretty cool being with someone who has money, my past GF's have all been stereotypical students with either the same amount or less than myself. Well see, I like her enough for it not to be a problem, so I think ill be ok on that front.
I would be very careful about this. You never mentioned that before. If I was one of those five people, I would be seriously pissed off that the house was accommodating another person for free. Kitchen space will be reduced, bills will still be cut the same ways, and other issues. I have lived in a place where someone thought they could put another person in their room. That person was forced to leave by our landlord, and we were very happy they went.
They're very cool for letting her stay as long as she does. Don't push it.
And down payments on a house while you are a student is utter madness, but I hope you know that already.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
they wouldn't have minded if he was contributing something, but there he was, making food with the oven, putting things in the fridge, using the tv, plugging in his laptop, easily doubling the original guy's bills without ever paying a penny.
also people do often feel very anti couples. it can take you out of the social side of the household somewhat. or you'll find your gf suddenly has long conversations with other people in the living room whilst you're waiting to go to bed or whatever... which would affect different people in different ways. I don't know how i missed the bit about it being a shared house.
some student housing contracts (and some standard shared accomodation rental contracts for that matter) at least here in the uk, have clauses about cohabitation. You see an awful lot of rooms advertised in the property mags which say "NO COUPLES" so you might want to look into it all very carefully, it wouldn't do wonders for your relatinoship if you both ended up homeless.
Since she's been staying at your place a bit, I imagine the situation won't change drastically in general terms, though it sounds like you won't have much privacy, so I think a better idea would be for her to find a place near you that's an easy commute to work, then you can move in with her later if you guys should so decide. More privacy, and no worrying about having to put a pillow over her face at night.
I wouldn't be putting any money on a house while im a student, my idea was that this would save her having to rent expensively, allowing her to save allot faster so she can buy her own place instead of renting and giving away her money to someone else.
I'm a little concerned about not being able to escape at all, however right now im listening to the one up show podcast pretty loudly, and shes asleep less than a meter behind me. When we have argued once or twice, neither of us has gotten angry, she sometimes needs space for 10 minutes for a quick break if we do have an argument, but I cant factor that in, shell have to think on how that effects her decision.
Otherwise you're gold, you and your housemates have someone else to split rent with, she's got cheaper accomodation and you get to spend more time with your girly.
Seriously, if she's not committed to a contract and can leave at any time...there's nothing to worry about.
(Incidentally my gf moved in with me after 3 months or so, it worked for another 5 and then sizzled out after that)
Good luck anyway!
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Yeah, it's great, if it wasn't for 99% likelihood it will never happen.