kids say the damndest things

Kusuguttai

today i heard a child ask his dad if it was okay to untuck his shirt yet

it got me to thinking
what are some funny things that children have said around you



when i used to supervise k-3rd grade P.E., there was this little second grader who was a bitch.

He had a mouth like a sailor. So one day, he's asking me (I don't even know why) if i have ever stolen anything.

I was like "yeah" and he said "NOT UH YOU ARE A LIAR!"

that's when my Brazillian soccer-fiend of a friend straight up said "I stole your mom's virginity."
"NO YOU DIDN'T!"
"Yes I did, now go play kickball you little shit or I'll put your ass on timeout."

that's when he started crying
(the kid
not the brazilian)


also:

WITH THE POKEY AND THE MAN AND THE JELL OH PUDD ING

Tossrock

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Mkhx7mkMXa8

Qorzm

but i poop from there

Tossrock

I'll give her the motor mouth

Nuzak

the kids next door do the best star wars impressions

Kusuguttai

also one time the same little kid called this black kid in seventh grade the n-word


so the black kid straight up socked his brother in the mouth

Drez

The Art Linkletter show was great. The Bill Cosby show was a travesty and they definitely led the kids into the responses they made and oh dear god I wanted to punch Bill Cosby in his fucking mouth.

Thanks for reminding me of the show, kusu.

Penguin Incarnate

I'm so hungry, I could eat a person.

Kusuguttai

anytime chummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmp

Drez

Also, I guess this should be posted: http://youtube.com/watch?v=G2a8NLuVwIs

This kid's face looks just like George W. Bush.

PotU

"No, please no, it hurts! Oh God where are my parents? Please stop!"

Ha, kids...

Nuzak

my bro told me a story of a kid called quaid when he was growing up

and there was that quaid alien in that Total recall film right, so everyone teased him about it

and when he was running home from these kids calling 'QUAAAID' at him, he ran up to his brother crying

everyone thought he was going to get his bro to beat them up, and quaid's bro asked him why he was crying

quaid said 'they keep calling me quaid'

and his bro said 'that's you name, you stupid shit' and punched him in the face

Drez

Nuzak wrote: »

my bro told me a story of a kid called quaid when he was growing up

and there was that quaid alien in that Total recall film right, so everyone teased him about it

and when he was running home from these kids calling 'QUAAAID' at him, he ran up to his brother crying

everyone thought he was going to get his bro to beat them up, and quaid's bro asked him why he was crying

quaid said 'they keep calling me quaid'

and his bro said 'that's you name, you stupid shit' and punched him in the face

I lol'd.

Jordyn

"That lady tripped me."

PotU

But seriously, when we went swimming once, there was this really young kid that asked us all the time if we have hair on our asses.

That was... weird.

NightDragon

I babysat a little 9-year-old redhead girl who decided to show me some of her scrap sewing materials. She held up some African print fabric and told me she was going to use it for her Halloween costume. When I asked her what she would be, she said, "a black lady".

also...
When he was young, my brother told some lady at a pool that she had fat thighs. Apparently this was after she'd been going to Weight Watchers for 10 months. My brother still has that idiotic flair about him, and he's 16.

Werrick

I was dating this girl who had a 3 year old kid who just couldn't handle shoes. She just couldn't deal with them, couldn't get them, couldn't tie them, couldn't put them on the right feet... nothing. Just terrible at putting shoes on.

So, this one time we're all goin' out and she's having her usual temper tantrum and her mom goes over and asks her what her problem is, 'cause she's tired of the hystrionics every time too, and this little girl looks up, red-faced, tears streaming down her cheeks and slams that shoe down, sending it bouncing into the other room and screams;

"MY FUCKING SHOES ARE SASSIN' ME!!"

and I fell over laughing.

#pipe

Werrick wrote: »

"MY FUCKING SHOES ARE SASSIN' ME!!"

oh my god that is precious

Stale

I was 13 or so and my neighbors needed to run off on some emergency bullshit for a couple hours. THey asked me to watch thier son, he was about 7. I had no real excuse not too, and it seemed that this was a "for real" type emergency, so I agreed and went over. They said the regular babysitter would be overt soon and could I just hang out for a bit.

I went inside and sat down at the tv and told him to go play in his room. They were not gone more then 10 minutes and this little bastard walks into the living room half naked, wearing only a shirt and carrying a steak knife with one hand, the other hand furiously playing with himself.

It was at this most glorious of moments, that the babysitter showed up and walked right in. She seemed to be everybit as amazed as I was.

That family never spoke to me again.

Kusuguttai

you've got to sass it

"quit jivin' me tur-key"

see? you've got to sass it.

Jordyn

one time when my brother was younger, I told him to put his shoes on and he did so while saying "c'mon shooooes! You have to let my feet in!" And then he told me that his shoes didn't want to let his feet and that they had had "a long discussion about this" last night.

Drez

Stale wrote: »

I was 13 or so and my neighbors needed to run off on some emergency bullshit for a couple hours. THey asked me to watch thier son, he was about 7. I had no real excuse not too, and it seemed that this was a "for real" type emergency, so I agreed and went over. They said the regular babysitter would be overt soon and could I just hang out for a bit.

I went inside and sat down at the tv and told him to go play in his room. They were not gone more then 10 minutes and this little bastard walks into the living room half naked, wearing only a shirt and carrying a steak knife with one hand, the other hand furiously playing with himself.

It was at this most glorious of moments, that the babysitter showed up and walked right in. She seemed to be everybit as amazed as I was.

That family never spoke to me again.

...

Kusuguttai

that is so great

Nuzak

Stale wrote: »

I was 13 or so and my neighbors needed to run off on some emergency bullshit for a couple hours. THey asked me to watch thier son, he was about 7. I had no real excuse not too, and it seemed that this was a "for real" type emergency, so I agreed and went over. They said the regular babysitter would be overt soon and could I just hang out for a bit.

I went inside and sat down at the tv and told him to go play in his room. They were not gone more then 10 minutes and this little bastard walks into the living room half naked, wearing only a shirt and carrying a steak knife with one hand, the other hand furiously playing with himself.

It was at this most glorious of moments, that the babysitter showed up and walked right in. She seemed to be everybit as amazed as I was.

That family never spoke to me again.

stale's private exhibition

Drez

Jordyn wrote: »

one time when my brother was younger, I told him to put his shoes on and he did so while saying "c'mon shooooes! You have to let my feet in!" And then he told me that his shoes didn't want to let his feet and that they had had "a long discussion about this" last night.

what the fuck?

PotU

Jordyn really loves her little brother.

Fiz

"Mommy, Mommy! Look how big that man's poodle is!"
"I see, honey"
"Does that make him a homosectional?"
"You mean homosexual. And yes"

Fuck you, people at the park. I wanted to adopt the bulldog

Penguin Incarnate

Stale wrote: »

I was 13 or so and my neighbors needed to run off on some emergency bullshit for a couple hours. THey asked me to watch thier son, he was about 7. I had no real excuse not too, and it seemed that this was a "for real" type emergency, so I agreed and went over. They said the regular babysitter would be overt soon and could I just hang out for a bit.

I went inside and sat down at the tv and told him to go play in his room. They were not gone more then 10 minutes and this little bastard walks into the living room half naked, wearing only a shirt and carrying a steak knife with one hand, the other hand furiously playing with himself.

It was at this most glorious of moments, that the babysitter showed up and walked right in. She seemed to be everybit as amazed as I was.

That family never spoke to me again.

That kid is a fucking genius.

Kusuguttai

AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no way did that child's mom say that

Baroque And Roll

Tossrock wrote: »

I'll give her the motor mouth

Yes. Ridiculous amounts of yes.

Fiz

Kusuguttai wrote: »

AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no way did that child's mom say that

She said it really loud too. The only good thing to come of it was that Tiger took a huge dump near them and I waited for the smell to waft over before picking it up.

Kusuguttai

oh lawdy

#pipe

Kusuguttai wrote: »

you've got to sass it

"quit jivin' me tur-key"

see? you've got to sass it.

kusu I love you so much

Penguin Incarnate

I just realized who posted that.

That is awesome.

Jordyn

Drez wrote: »

Jordyn wrote: »

one time when my brother was younger, I told him to put his shoes on and he did so while saying "c'mon shooooes! You have to let my feet in!" And then he told me that his shoes didn't want to let his feet and that they had had "a long discussion about this" last night.

what the fuck?

he was maybe 7 when this happened. Around the same time, he came over to me once all covered in dog hair. I asked him what the hell and he told me that he had locked himself in the dog kennel, but it was cool, he got himself back out.

Kusuguttai

#pipe wrote: »

Kusuguttai wrote: »

you've got to sass it

"quit jivin' me tur-key"

see? you've got to sass it.

kusu I love you so much

that has been in my head ALL DAY

"Can i get half a pound of turkey?"
"I can teach you're supposed to say turkey."

Sara Lynn

Tossrock wrote: »

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Mkhx7mkMXa8

One of my favorite things ever. I SWEAR.

Kusuguttai

hobbes, like from our forum hobbes?

Tossrock

You just don't get to suck on big weiners like this, nowadays.

Janin

I've mentioned the site before, but Beaches are great for this stuff.

Three-year-old girl: I love the bitch!
Mother: Did you just say 'bitch'? You can't say that! It's beach.
Three-year-old girl: Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!
Mother: I can hear you!

Babysitter: Hey, do you want to build a sandcastle?
Kid: Yeah! These [feet buried under sand] can be our slave cabins!
Babysitter: Uh, I think it's time we go swimming.

Eight-year-old boy to valet fetching a car outside a fancy restaurant: You run like an idiot!
Mom: Quiet, dear, he is just a car parking guy.

Orikaeshigitae

Jordyn wrote: »

Drez wrote: »

Jordyn wrote: »

one time when my brother was younger, I told him to put his shoes on and he did so while saying "c'mon shooooes! You have to let my feet in!" And then he told me that his shoes didn't want to let his feet and that they had had "a long discussion about this" last night.

what the fuck?

he was maybe 7 when this happened. Around the same time, he came over to me once all covered in dog hair. I asked him what the hell and he told me that he had locked himself in the dog kennel, but it was cool, he got himself back out.

your brother is awesome