The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Hmm... my advice is to stay out of your friend's relationship.
I've been on both sides of the equation. I've had (and have) friends with girlfriends whom I think are off their rocker, bitches, bad for my friend, or all of the above. I've had girlfriends whom my friends thought similarly about. When it's my friends in the (what I perceive to be) bad relationship, it's best just to support them, without trying to get them to break up with their girlfriend. That's a decision that I don't think any of us are going to let someone else make for us. You don't have to go overboard acting like you like the girl, but be civil, don't go out of your way to bash her. Remember the old advice "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
All of this, for me, is reinforced by the times I've had girlfriends that my friends thought were bad for me. They were right, but it was a conclusion I had to come to myself. If you try to convince your friend that his girlfriend is bad for him, as some of my friends tried to, you may just end up having him resent you for: 1) supposing that you know better than he does what is best for him (which you may), 2) meddling in his relationship.
TLDR: Staying out of your friends' relationships is the best course of action if you want them to stay your friends.
I agree with Zul, and I'm the type who would just go on ahead and tell him. I know you're trying to be a nice person and you think its hurting your friend. Theres nothing wrong with responding honestly when hes asking you, or responding like "What the fuck is wrong with you, why do you deal with this?" When he tells you stories, but you shouldn't be active about trying to kill his relationship. When he looks to you for support, be a good honest friend. When hes not asking, you shouldn't be making it your mission to get this girl out of his life.
Especially as shes just sort of shallow, it doesn't sound like shes lying to him, or cheating on him, or anything like that. She wants a 4000 dollar purse and a rich BF, at least shes being truthful. Your friend has to learn on his own if thats not who he is, then hes gotta get out.
It's probably best for the long run if you let him come to the realization that she's not perfect on his own, regardless of how long you have to grit your teeth waiting for that to happen.
Pheezer on
IT'S GOT ME REACHING IN MY POCKET IT'S GOT ME FORKING OVER CASH
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
Y'know, one of the hardest things to accept is the fact that some people like shit like that in a relationship. He might actually like that she's like that, deep down in the parts of his soul he doesn't like to talk about at parties.
At the end of the day all you can do is just be supportive of whatever it is that he decides he watns to do. I would definately not volunteer any information or opinion, but if he asks you then I think you'd be within your rights to tell him that you don't like the way she acts and that you don't like the way she treats him.
Unfortunately attitudes like hers to be pretty common these days. She sounds like an extreme of that, but for the most part a lot of women/girls think the way she does to one degree or another. To a certain extent I think many guys have been raised to think that's normal, or to seek that kind of behaviour out in a mate.
At the end of the day it's up to him. If that's the kind of relationship he wants, then that's his bag.
Werrick on
"Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be rude without having their skulls split, as a general thing."
-Robert E. Howard Tower of the Elephant
0
JohnnyCacheStarting DefensePlace at the tableRegistered Userregular
edited July 2007
His relationship only has to work for him and his girlfriend. If he gets what he wants out of it, so be it. People don't exist in a magic harmony of common interests most of the time. If she bores him, he'll either dump her or put up with it because he feels it's worth it on the balance, and it's up to him either way.
I would leave it alone. It's really hard to be objective in a relationship when you're still very involved with it. If they conclude that it's not going to work out, it will have to be by themselves. You can still voice your opinion, but I wouldn't press the issue much since that will just cause more friction between you and your friend. He can always agree with you later when his head is more clear.
Now, the only time I take exception to this is if there is some very serious physical and/or mental abuse. As it is, it sounds more like an odd situation than a dangerous one.
you sound kinda like a woman... let your buddy do whatever he wants. Youre not his wife. If he thinks putting up with an annoying bitch in exchange for awesome sex is worth it, then more power to him.
The only time you should really speak up is if he asks you what you think. If that happens, make it very simple and don't go on and on about it. Only say that you don't think she'd make him happy in the long run. And if the chance ever comes (and it probably won't), make absolutely sure that your opinion is because you care about him, not because you dislike her. You can come out across to him as a good friend who has had a hard time shutting up about it, or as an ass who finally got his chance to justify himself. Make sure you sound as the former, and not the latter.
Etelmik on
0
JohnnyCacheStarting DefensePlace at the tableRegistered Userregular
you sound kinda like a woman... let your buddy do whatever he wants. Youre not his wife. If he thinks putting up with an annoying bitch in exchange for awesome sex is worth it, then more power to him.
That's what I was saying...with more of the ol' tact.
Odds are, if you say anything unprompted, it's just going to make him run to her, and become hella defensive. Keeping your mouth shut is the better plan in the long-run.
I think she's the wrong girl for him (I'll give reasons in a second). What I want to know is what I should do about it,
Er, stop right there. Are you mental? Stay the fuck out of other people's relationships, nobody cares if you think they are right for each other, because it's not your choice to make.
His relationship only has to work for him and his girlfriend.
It's probably best that you keep away from the (delicate) boundaries of their relationship.
Organichu on
0
JacobkoshGamble a stamp.I can show you how to be a real man!Moderatormod
edited July 2007
As everyone else has said, volunteering your opinion is a big no-no. Because seriously, you're not him and you don't know what does and doesn't bug him.
That said, having been in a similar situation, you really shouldn't be telling him what you think, but that doesn't mean you can't ask him anything. You're allowed to ask him how the relationship is going, what he thinks of her, that sort of thing. "So how are you and _____ these days?" Keep your own opinions strictly, one hundred percent out of it; but if he's got doubts or there's something that's bugging him, establishing a calm, nonjudgmental, trusting atmosphere might give him greater freedom to vent about something - and if there aren't any problems, then he'll be happy to tell you all about how awesome things are, and you won't look like a jerk in the process.
Jacobkosh on
0
Blake TDo you have enemies then?Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered Userregular
The only time you should really speak up is if he asks you what you think. If that happens, make it very simple and don't go on and on about it. Only say that you don't think she'd make him happy in the long run. And if the chance ever comes (and it probably won't), make absolutely sure that your opinion is because you care about him, not because you dislike her. You can come out across to him as a good friend who has had a hard time shutting up about it, or as an ass who finally got his chance to justify himself. Make sure you sound as the former, and not the latter.
Your friend is blinded by the fact that he likes this girl. He's not going to get rid of his gf just because you say she's wrong for him. I was with a guy that my family hated, and they told me so repeatedly. I didn't listen to them. I mean they were only my family what did they know? My point is he's not going to listen to you when you voice your opinion. I do however encourage you to voice your opinion otherwise you'll regret not saying something when/if they get married. Yeah she will find out what you said, because he will tell her. She will hate you for the rest of your days, because you tried to break them up. But you'll feel better for saying something.
So what are you going to do? Take him aside and tell him you think his girlfriend is annoying? I don't see how it's any of your business. If she were really ruining his life or something that would be one thing, but you just think her personality sucks. It's his decision to make and you're jumping to too many conclusions.
Sorry drama-seekers, but this is not
To shorten things: my best friend has been dating this girl for a year and a few months now, and although I like her fine as a person, I think she's the wrong girl for him...What I want to know is what I should do about it, because he's not the kind of guy to break up with someone. At least, he never has...I feel like I should at least tell him how I feel...So, I've just been keeping my thoughts to myself (and to other friends, who also agree with me)...The worst case scenario, which I believe is entirely plausible, is that I tell him how I feel, his girlfriend finds out, and makes him choose between me and her. She's already made him choose between her and most of his female friends...I just feel really strongly that he could be a lot happier with someone else, but I don't think he realizes it...Furthermore, I know that I could be completely wrong. I mean, it's from my perspective that she's wrong for him, and not his. I don't want to be meddling if he is truly happy.
This is insane because it sounds exactly (EXACTLY) like a situation I was in about a month ago.
My best friend is a guy, I'm a girl. We've been really close since high school, (but not in the "i-kind-of-want-to-date-you" sort of way, just for clarification) and he started dating a girl in December 2005, when I was studying abroad. He kept telling me he wanted my approval, that it meant a lot to him, etc...b/c we're like family. So I met her, thought she was nice enough, but didn't get to see a lot of their relationship b/c I go to school in another state.
Every once in a while, he would tell me about a fight they got into (like you said your friend does), and I would try to advise him as best I could. However, she did the same thing your friend's girl did, making sure he hung out with her most of the time...a lot of the time I would only talk to him a couple of times a month, when we used to talk a few times a week).
I told him what I thought of her (which was mostly, "I just don't think she's right for you. And you know I'm your best friend and I don't want you to be hurt"). He agreed, and talked to her about breaking up (not entirely because of what I said, but in a lot of ways he was tired of all the drama and not being able to see his friends and a bunch of other stuff)
She broke up with him over the phone, then proceeded to keep calling him and trying to get back together with him (even though they'd talked about it after her angry phone call and decided it was over), and all through June going back and forth between being sweet and being completely crazy (aka getting mad at him for changing his relationship status on Facebook, when she'd broken up with him, and getting mad at him for not liking her, again after she'd broken things off..basically being super immature). Things are pretty much over now, though.
So I'd say, if you are really worried...tell him. Next time he brings it up. Don't bash her, but tell him your honest opinion. It sounds like this is really bothering you because you are concerned about your best friend. If you guys really are best friends, then he won't let her come between you two, and will think she's crazy for giving him a "him or me" ultimatum. And if he stops being your friend because of her...well, you could use a better friend anyway.
Sorry that was so long-winded. I just wanted to let you know that I completely relate.
I would have no problem dating someone with expensive tastes and not a lot of money if I knew they were appreciative and recognized the value of money. If at any point they were demanding and I could tell that they had no clue about what is important in a relationship, I would drop them pretty quickly. I don't know how a lot of these sugar daddy relationships function... I would get no satisfaction from knowing that what makes my date happiest is buying her expensive purses.
Save for the demanding expensive fashion items, she sounds remarkably like my girlfriend and I sound remarkably like your friend.
There's likely a reason they've been together that long, let him figure out what's best for him and what's not. I can tell that a couple of my friends don't like my girlfriend (whereas quite a lot do) but they don't say it, and honestly, it's my business who I see.
You're not going to get anywhere with your friend because as it stands, they haven't really done anything that she's talked about. They haven't bought a house, they're not buying $4000 purses, etc. If he's upset, even a little bit, about her odd focus on fashion, gossip, and running the entire house, it's minimal and not realized because they're dating.
I've got a coworker who has a cousin that sounds like your friend. Always financially sound, down to earth, and got involved with a girl who would spend thousands of dollars on clothes or something really stupid. The family didn't like her because she didn't really have a clue, didn't work, and thought that money just appeared (and then tried to spend it, which was all his). They got married, she got pregnant a short while after that, and as soon as harsh reality set in (namely, home ownership, a kid, large bills), she both got a job and calmed down.
When reality hits you in the face, and you realize how stupid things like $4000 bags are (and when you realize that it's a few month's mortgage payment for many people), your mindset tends to change. It's easy to focus and obsess over things you can't have, but if you're not spending the money it's in the "dream" stage. Not all that different from looking at expensive cars and home theater systems while you drive a 7 year old car and watch an SDTV.
If they stay together and buy a house, the likelihood that he'll only be able to "own" one room is pretty ridiculous. Her dreams of what that first house will be are also likely far removed from reality. Same with various fashion things -- when she starts plunking down money for things, he'll probably wake up. As it is, it's just a harmless obsession and I'm pretty certain that's how he sees it. Maybe she comes from a poor family and it's a form of mild escapism. Maybe she's a little batty. But he seems to be entertained by it, or else he'd bring it up more than never.
Although that reminds me: for reference, we're 19. I fully expect "don't worry about it, then, you're young" responses, but like I said, he's never broken up with anybody, and I really don't foresee her doing it either, because I think she realizes she's found a guy who will both spoil her and put up with her crap.
Sounds like it works out for them. It could be the things you don't like about her are part of the very things which make her attractive to your friend.
Say she's a young fashionista, spreading all teh drama about what to wear and how to look. Bet she tries her best to look pretty good, which certainly has it's upside. Some guys like that, I know I do. I like girls who know what they want and have a sense of their own style. I find it charming. And the little slice of crazy that comes it? Also charming. Yah sure, it might wear thin sometimes, maybe it'll feel like a short leash. But in the big picture, what's really important? I'l change a hundred things I don't really care all that much about to manage the few things I care about a lot. It's not giving something up, it's getting something better. All good.
Let your friend make his own choices, support him, try to make nice with his decisions. It's not compromising your standards, it's sacrificing something unimportant to keep something more important: a good friendship.
Interesting way of putting that. Against his will, was it?
Raped?
You guys are horrible.
How so? Either it was against his will or it was (shocker!) consensual like most sex, in which case it's a bit fucking rich to blame the girl for 'taking his virginity'.
Well you can legally if there is an age difference or intoxication level, but that is not advice the OP requested.
With regards to your dilemna, joke with your friends, rag on him in private, but it's his relationship and he has to wear the big boy pants and make decisions for him outside of what you and your friends want. He's made his expensive bed, let him bang his fashionista on it.
Preacher on
I would like some money because these are artisanal nuggets of wisdom philistine.
he often tells me about all the things that bother him and I just wonder why he puts up with it.
About the only thing you can do is ask him how he puts up with it. :P Other than that, he'll just have to figure out if the fun time in the sack is worth the crazies.
I'd say the only time you should get really loud about it is if he starts getting credit cards to pay for her wants and driving himself into a deep debt.
This also may stem from the fact that he disapproved of my last girlfriend, and I wish he'd been more vocal about it because I stayed with her for far too long :P.
If it moves beyond "annoying conversation" to something that's a serious problem, or that really should raise flags but doesn't (such as actual purchases, or marriage and even crazier talk on her part (as in, she just wants to have babies, live in a huge house, and watch TV all day while he works 70 hour weeks to pay for her hedonistic lifestyle), then this is how you bring it up.
As it is, it sounds like it's mostly just talk. But if you did feel compelled to bring it up, you'd say that since he made a point to talk to you about your last girlfriend, and that you realized after you'd broken up that you were right. And that you feel that he should take a hard look at his girlfriend for the same reason, and that you're bringing it up out of friendship and a sort of "thanks" for pointing you in the right direction back then.
This is not your relationship. It's his. Unless he asks you straight up, "what do you think about my girlfriend?" you have no business telling him what you think he should do. Stay out of it and let him deal with it.
Perhaps it's the candor present in most of my inner circle, but most of us expect to both give and receive honest, straightforward opinions. Sometimes, in important areas, these not only can but should be given unsolicitedly.
The primary job of a good friend is, in my opinion, to act as an advisor, a devil's advocate, and to provide checks and balances for his friends. It is not to make them feel good about what you think are bad choices, or to stand by while they make them. If, in your opinion, this woman isn't good for your friend, you should absolutely tell him.
So if I were you, I would tell him what you think (and why you think it), clearly and concisely.
But ultimately, what you should do is dictated by the type of relationship you have with this guy. You're the only one that can say how he'll handle it, and the only one that can know if the risks outweigh the benefits.
I'll vote for the "Stay out of it" option and toss in a "especially if you want to keep him as a friend" side order.
I wouldn't say completely hide your dislike for this girl, in fact go ahead and mention to him you don't like her but stop there - don't screw with the relationship or try to get him to see your side. If you push, you'll likely only push him away.
Just accept that if they aren't good for eachother, they'll likely break up - in the meantime let them figure it out for themselves.
Perhaps it's the candor present in most of my inner circle, but most of us expect to both give and receive honest, straightforward opinions. Sometimes, in important areas, these not only can but should be given unsolicitedly.
The primary job of a good friend is, in my opinion, to act as an advisor, a devil's advocate, and to provide checks and balances for his friends. It is not to make them feel good about what you think are bad choices, or to stand by while they make them. If, in your opinion, this woman isn't good for your friend, you should absolutely tell him.
So if I were you, I would tell him what you think (and why you think it), clearly and concisely.
But ultimately, what you should do is dictated by the type of relationship you have with this guy. You're the only one that can say how he'll handle it, and the only one that can know if the risks outweigh the benefits.
I agree completely. Say what you want to say, but say it in the nicest way possible. I think that's what friends are for. Especially since you said you guys are really close.
Honestly, I can't even see what the problem is. It sounds like you decided early on you didn't like her, and are looking for reasons. Granted, she doesn't sound like my kind of girl, but there's nothing in what you describe that strikes me as "bad". So what if she jokes about controlling the whole of their pretend future house?
I have a friend that's just like this, except he breaks up with her every month and is back together, like nothing happened, in a week or so.
This has been on going for about 3 years now, I stopped caring after the first time I interfered.
Now when he ever tries to bitch about her to me I just say "Fuck you, I don't care, it's your own damn fault."
and he shuts up.
Edit: Oh, did I mention he's 10 grand in debt? When he bitches about money I use the same response stated above.
He's a friend still, one of my best but that doesn't mean that I have to listen to him bitch about his problems.
I've told him to correct them and he simply can't because apparently I "don't know what it's like" or how "hard" it is.
So why waste my time and his breath.
Perhaps it's the candor present in most of my inner circle, but most of us expect to both give and receive honest, straightforward opinions. Sometimes, in important areas, these not only can but should be given unsolicitedly.
The primary job of a good friend is, in my opinion, to act as an advisor, a devil's advocate, and to provide checks and balances for his friends. It is not to make them feel good about what you think are bad choices, or to stand by while they make them. If, in your opinion, this woman isn't good for your friend, you should absolutely tell him.
So if I were you, I would tell him what you think (and why you think it), clearly and concisely.
But ultimately, what you should do is dictated by the type of relationship you have with this guy. You're the only one that can say how he'll handle it, and the only one that can know if the risks outweigh the benefits.
Personally speaking, I won't hesitate to speak my mind about such things... if my opinion is asked.
It is really self-righteous and presumptuous to shamelessly dispense unwanted advice, especially when it comes to sensitive, personal matters. If his friend wants to hear his opinion, or asks for advice, then yes, the OP should be straight-forward and brutally honest.
Otherwise, the wise thing to do is to stay out of other people's relationships.
I have a friend that's just like this, except he breaks up with her every month and is back together, like nothing happened, in a week or so.
Heh. Every month, eh?
I wonder what time of the month that is?o_O
Oh did I mention she doesn't allow him to tell anyone that she's his girlfriend, even though it's blatantly obvious? And she's claimed to be single, in front him. O_o
Posts
I've been on both sides of the equation. I've had (and have) friends with girlfriends whom I think are off their rocker, bitches, bad for my friend, or all of the above. I've had girlfriends whom my friends thought similarly about. When it's my friends in the (what I perceive to be) bad relationship, it's best just to support them, without trying to get them to break up with their girlfriend. That's a decision that I don't think any of us are going to let someone else make for us. You don't have to go overboard acting like you like the girl, but be civil, don't go out of your way to bash her. Remember the old advice "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
All of this, for me, is reinforced by the times I've had girlfriends that my friends thought were bad for me. They were right, but it was a conclusion I had to come to myself. If you try to convince your friend that his girlfriend is bad for him, as some of my friends tried to, you may just end up having him resent you for: 1) supposing that you know better than he does what is best for him (which you may), 2) meddling in his relationship.
TLDR: Staying out of your friends' relationships is the best course of action if you want them to stay your friends.
Especially as shes just sort of shallow, it doesn't sound like shes lying to him, or cheating on him, or anything like that. She wants a 4000 dollar purse and a rich BF, at least shes being truthful. Your friend has to learn on his own if thats not who he is, then hes gotta get out.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
At the end of the day all you can do is just be supportive of whatever it is that he decides he watns to do. I would definately not volunteer any information or opinion, but if he asks you then I think you'd be within your rights to tell him that you don't like the way she acts and that you don't like the way she treats him.
Unfortunately attitudes like hers to be pretty common these days. She sounds like an extreme of that, but for the most part a lot of women/girls think the way she does to one degree or another. To a certain extent I think many guys have been raised to think that's normal, or to seek that kind of behaviour out in a mate.
At the end of the day it's up to him. If that's the kind of relationship he wants, then that's his bag.
-Robert E. Howard
Tower of the Elephant
I host a podcast about movies.
Now, the only time I take exception to this is if there is some very serious physical and/or mental abuse. As it is, it sounds more like an odd situation than a dangerous one.
That's what I was saying...with more of the ol' tact.
I host a podcast about movies.
Er, stop right there. Are you mental? Stay the fuck out of other people's relationships, nobody cares if you think they are right for each other, because it's not your choice to make.
It's probably best that you keep away from the (delicate) boundaries of their relationship.
That said, having been in a similar situation, you really shouldn't be telling him what you think, but that doesn't mean you can't ask him anything. You're allowed to ask him how the relationship is going, what he thinks of her, that sort of thing. "So how are you and _____ these days?" Keep your own opinions strictly, one hundred percent out of it; but if he's got doubts or there's something that's bugging him, establishing a calm, nonjudgmental, trusting atmosphere might give him greater freedom to vent about something - and if there aren't any problems, then he'll be happy to tell you all about how awesome things are, and you won't look like a jerk in the process.
This is the best post.
If he wants an opinion he will ask for it.
Satans..... hints.....
Is your friend the kind of guy who can put up with a lot of shit from people?
This is insane because it sounds exactly (EXACTLY) like a situation I was in about a month ago.
My best friend is a guy, I'm a girl. We've been really close since high school, (but not in the "i-kind-of-want-to-date-you" sort of way, just for clarification) and he started dating a girl in December 2005, when I was studying abroad. He kept telling me he wanted my approval, that it meant a lot to him, etc...b/c we're like family. So I met her, thought she was nice enough, but didn't get to see a lot of their relationship b/c I go to school in another state.
Every once in a while, he would tell me about a fight they got into (like you said your friend does), and I would try to advise him as best I could. However, she did the same thing your friend's girl did, making sure he hung out with her most of the time...a lot of the time I would only talk to him a couple of times a month, when we used to talk a few times a week).
I told him what I thought of her (which was mostly, "I just don't think she's right for you. And you know I'm your best friend and I don't want you to be hurt"). He agreed, and talked to her about breaking up (not entirely because of what I said, but in a lot of ways he was tired of all the drama and not being able to see his friends and a bunch of other stuff)
She broke up with him over the phone, then proceeded to keep calling him and trying to get back together with him (even though they'd talked about it after her angry phone call and decided it was over), and all through June going back and forth between being sweet and being completely crazy (aka getting mad at him for changing his relationship status on Facebook, when she'd broken up with him, and getting mad at him for not liking her, again after she'd broken things off..basically being super immature). Things are pretty much over now, though.
So I'd say, if you are really worried...tell him. Next time he brings it up. Don't bash her, but tell him your honest opinion. It sounds like this is really bothering you because you are concerned about your best friend. If you guys really are best friends, then he won't let her come between you two, and will think she's crazy for giving him a "him or me" ultimatum. And if he stops being your friend because of her...well, you could use a better friend anyway.
Sorry that was so long-winded. I just wanted to let you know that I completely relate.
There's likely a reason they've been together that long, let him figure out what's best for him and what's not. I can tell that a couple of my friends don't like my girlfriend (whereas quite a lot do) but they don't say it, and honestly, it's my business who I see.
PSN: SirGrinchX
Oculus Rift: Sir_Grinch
I've got a coworker who has a cousin that sounds like your friend. Always financially sound, down to earth, and got involved with a girl who would spend thousands of dollars on clothes or something really stupid. The family didn't like her because she didn't really have a clue, didn't work, and thought that money just appeared (and then tried to spend it, which was all his). They got married, she got pregnant a short while after that, and as soon as harsh reality set in (namely, home ownership, a kid, large bills), she both got a job and calmed down.
When reality hits you in the face, and you realize how stupid things like $4000 bags are (and when you realize that it's a few month's mortgage payment for many people), your mindset tends to change. It's easy to focus and obsess over things you can't have, but if you're not spending the money it's in the "dream" stage. Not all that different from looking at expensive cars and home theater systems while you drive a 7 year old car and watch an SDTV.
If they stay together and buy a house, the likelihood that he'll only be able to "own" one room is pretty ridiculous. Her dreams of what that first house will be are also likely far removed from reality. Same with various fashion things -- when she starts plunking down money for things, he'll probably wake up. As it is, it's just a harmless obsession and I'm pretty certain that's how he sees it. Maybe she comes from a poor family and it's a form of mild escapism. Maybe she's a little batty. But he seems to be entertained by it, or else he'd bring it up more than never.
Interesting way of putting that. Against his will, was it?
Raped?
You guys are horrible.
Sounds like it works out for them. It could be the things you don't like about her are part of the very things which make her attractive to your friend.
Say she's a young fashionista, spreading all teh drama about what to wear and how to look. Bet she tries her best to look pretty good, which certainly has it's upside. Some guys like that, I know I do. I like girls who know what they want and have a sense of their own style. I find it charming. And the little slice of crazy that comes it? Also charming. Yah sure, it might wear thin sometimes, maybe it'll feel like a short leash. But in the big picture, what's really important? I'l change a hundred things I don't really care all that much about to manage the few things I care about a lot. It's not giving something up, it's getting something better. All good.
Let your friend make his own choices, support him, try to make nice with his decisions. It's not compromising your standards, it's sacrificing something unimportant to keep something more important: a good friendship.
How so? Either it was against his will or it was (shocker!) consensual like most sex, in which case it's a bit fucking rich to blame the girl for 'taking his virginity'.
You can't rape the willing.
EDIT - I realize that was probably unnecessary, but I really like that expression.
-Robert E. Howard
Tower of the Elephant
With regards to your dilemna, joke with your friends, rag on him in private, but it's his relationship and he has to wear the big boy pants and make decisions for him outside of what you and your friends want. He's made his expensive bed, let him bang his fashionista on it.
pleasepaypreacher.net
About the only thing you can do is ask him how he puts up with it. :P Other than that, he'll just have to figure out if the fun time in the sack is worth the crazies.
I'd say the only time you should get really loud about it is if he starts getting credit cards to pay for her wants and driving himself into a deep debt.
If it moves beyond "annoying conversation" to something that's a serious problem, or that really should raise flags but doesn't (such as actual purchases, or marriage and even crazier talk on her part (as in, she just wants to have babies, live in a huge house, and watch TV all day while he works 70 hour weeks to pay for her hedonistic lifestyle), then this is how you bring it up.
As it is, it sounds like it's mostly just talk. But if you did feel compelled to bring it up, you'd say that since he made a point to talk to you about your last girlfriend, and that you realized after you'd broken up that you were right. And that you feel that he should take a hard look at his girlfriend for the same reason, and that you're bringing it up out of friendship and a sort of "thanks" for pointing you in the right direction back then.
The primary job of a good friend is, in my opinion, to act as an advisor, a devil's advocate, and to provide checks and balances for his friends. It is not to make them feel good about what you think are bad choices, or to stand by while they make them. If, in your opinion, this woman isn't good for your friend, you should absolutely tell him.
So if I were you, I would tell him what you think (and why you think it), clearly and concisely.
But ultimately, what you should do is dictated by the type of relationship you have with this guy. You're the only one that can say how he'll handle it, and the only one that can know if the risks outweigh the benefits.
Twitter | Facebook | Tumblr | Last.fm | Pandora | LibraryThing | formspring | Blue Moon over Seattle (MCFC)
I wouldn't say completely hide your dislike for this girl, in fact go ahead and mention to him you don't like her but stop there - don't screw with the relationship or try to get him to see your side. If you push, you'll likely only push him away.
Just accept that if they aren't good for eachother, they'll likely break up - in the meantime let them figure it out for themselves.
stout's Amazon Wishlist | my lastFM
I agree completely. Say what you want to say, but say it in the nicest way possible. I think that's what friends are for. Especially since you said you guys are really close.
This has been on going for about 3 years now, I stopped caring after the first time I interfered.
Now when he ever tries to bitch about her to me I just say "Fuck you, I don't care, it's your own damn fault."
and he shuts up.
Edit: Oh, did I mention he's 10 grand in debt? When he bitches about money I use the same response stated above.
He's a friend still, one of my best but that doesn't mean that I have to listen to him bitch about his problems.
I've told him to correct them and he simply can't because apparently I "don't know what it's like" or how "hard" it is.
So why waste my time and his breath.
Personally speaking, I won't hesitate to speak my mind about such things... if my opinion is asked.
It is really self-righteous and presumptuous to shamelessly dispense unwanted advice, especially when it comes to sensitive, personal matters. If his friend wants to hear his opinion, or asks for advice, then yes, the OP should be straight-forward and brutally honest.
Otherwise, the wise thing to do is to stay out of other people's relationships.
Heh. Every month, eh?
I wonder what time of the month that is?o_O
Oh did I mention she doesn't allow him to tell anyone that she's his girlfriend, even though it's blatantly obvious? And she's claimed to be single, in front him. O_o