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How do I get out of this relationship?
Zifnab
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now. I'm 23, she's 21. Lately (past several months), I've begun to enjoy the relationship less and less and now it's basically an obligation. I know that things need to be ended, both for my own well-being and out of respect for her (not being in a halfhearted relationship, etc). Normally, I can handle stuff like this on my own, but this is a very special situation with a number of unique problems, and I'm not entirely sure how to handle it. I'm glossing over a lot because it doesn't seem necessary, and I don't think that staying with her or not is up for debate any more. I've made a decision, but I have no idea how to act on it.
One of the other issues in play is that I'm a giant pussy about stuff like this. I have an almost neurotic need to avoid hurting other people, especially those I care about, and have put myself through some serious shit to prevent the most minor stuff from time to time. Also, she lives 6 hours away, which makes these sorts of things particularly difficult. I've let this go on and faked my way through things for way too long, and that's going to bite me in the ass big time, but that's just more crow for me to eat here. I'm more concerned about what will happen when she asks "How long?" and the only answer I have is "At least 6 months.."
I'm just looking for some solid advice on some questions that I can't adequately answer for myself:
-Do I drive out there to do it? I've always believed in doing it in person, but that's a long haul. I'm not afraid to man up and do it, though, if I ought to. The issue is that with our schedules, that limits me to Aug. 5th or 16-20, or I stay with her until January. She's at a festival right now, I go on vacation the 7th, and she's spending the next semester in Vienna. Is it better to do it over the phone now than to wait until one of those times? How do I tell her I'm coming and let her get excited only for me to show up and dump her?
-What do I tell her? I don't dislike her, it's not her fault that this isn't working, I'm just not enjoying myself any more. I don't feel like she's going to understand that in the way you can understand "I've found someone else". Also, she thinks things are fine, as far as I know, and she's very dependant on this relationship. Is there a way to do this that's not going to be incredibly messy? Painful I can understand, I guess, but this could easily turn into an absolute train wreck of a breakup.
Any thoughts? Any general advice? Despite my age, I've only broken up with one other person, and we both knew it was coming. I feel ridiculous, very much like high school 'omg wut do I do?!', but I'm honestly at a loss. You guys have always had excellent advice for all sorts of situation, so hopefully you can put me back on the right track.
One of the other issues in play is that I'm a giant pussy about stuff like this. I have an almost neurotic need to avoid hurting other people, especially those I care about, and have put myself through some serious shit to prevent the most minor stuff from time to time. Also, she lives 6 hours away, which makes these sorts of things particularly difficult. I've let this go on and faked my way through things for way too long, and that's going to bite me in the ass big time, but that's just more crow for me to eat here. I'm more concerned about what will happen when she asks "How long?" and the only answer I have is "At least 6 months.."
I'm just looking for some solid advice on some questions that I can't adequately answer for myself:
-Do I drive out there to do it? I've always believed in doing it in person, but that's a long haul. I'm not afraid to man up and do it, though, if I ought to. The issue is that with our schedules, that limits me to Aug. 5th or 16-20, or I stay with her until January. She's at a festival right now, I go on vacation the 7th, and she's spending the next semester in Vienna. Is it better to do it over the phone now than to wait until one of those times? How do I tell her I'm coming and let her get excited only for me to show up and dump her?
-What do I tell her? I don't dislike her, it's not her fault that this isn't working, I'm just not enjoying myself any more. I don't feel like she's going to understand that in the way you can understand "I've found someone else". Also, she thinks things are fine, as far as I know, and she's very dependant on this relationship. Is there a way to do this that's not going to be incredibly messy? Painful I can understand, I guess, but this could easily turn into an absolute train wreck of a breakup.
Any thoughts? Any general advice? Despite my age, I've only broken up with one other person, and we both knew it was coming. I feel ridiculous, very much like high school 'omg wut do I do?!', but I'm honestly at a loss. You guys have always had excellent advice for all sorts of situation, so hopefully you can put me back on the right track.
Zifnab on
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Watch this.
Question: What do I tell her?
Answer: I don't dislike her, it's not her fault that this isn't working, I'm just not enjoying myself any more.
That was clever wasn't it?
Relationships fail for all kinds of reasons. There is no real reason you should keep torturing yourself in order not to torture someone else. More importantly because they will get over you in time. If you don't break up then you'll just keep making yourself feel bad.
Satans..... hints.....
A trainwreck of a breakup is better than a trainwreck of a relationship.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
"How long?"
"Why didn't you tell me, we could have worked it out?"
Just, as I said, be as honest as you can with her. It's not like you've cheated or found someone else, it's just one of those things.
With regard to how to do it, in person is always better but not always practical. I had to split up with someone as we were 3 hours apart (quite a distance in the UK) and I did it via phone, I don't feel good about it and if I'm honest I wished I'd done it in person BUT it got the job done.
Is there anyway you can drive there without letting her know you're coming, or perhaps prepare her via phone? The infamous line "We need to talk" is a pre-cursor to breaking up, if you use that over the phone and then visit her she'll know something's up.
No matter what advise folks give you, there isn't an easy way to do this and it will be messy and she'll no doubt be upset. Just be honest and DON'T bend if she tries to convince you to take her back/give her one last chance.
PSN: SirGrinchX
Oculus Rift: Sir_Grinch
You know her better than any of us, so you'll have to judge whether practicality should win out. It's certainly got my vote. Either way, best of luck.
Ultimately it's up to you how you do it.
In terms of what to say... something along the lines of;
"I really like you, but this relationship isn't working for me anymore." Simple, short, don't pause after the "but", but don't rush through it. Just say it.
-Robert E. Howard
Tower of the Elephant
Don't 2nd guess yourself about what she'll say. She may be completely surprised and hurt. She may be thinking the same thing.
Ryan M Long Photography
Buy my Prints!
Don't do it by email or voicemail either.
Suck it up and have the bad talk. She's going to think you're a dick, and you just have to deal with that instead of wanting her not to be upset at you; she is going to be upset at you. And stay and listen to all the crying and hurt, and don't make up afterwards cause you'll just have to do it again.
When you don't have the money to go there in person you have no choice other than to do it over the phone. This is one reason why I no longer even contemplate having another long distance relationship.
When she comes back go somewhere like the park and take a walk. Tell her how you feel and make it look like you're doing this because it's better for her. Explain to her she doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't feel the same way anymore. Tell her it's unfair to HER if you keep going out.
After all, this is why we date. We need to go through these kinds of things so that we become better people for the ones that we want in our lives.
Well, that is an extenuating circumstance. But, even then, texting is just wrong. If you have to do it over the phone that's one thing but breaking up with someone isn't something that you should do with any passive means of communication (IM, text, dear john letter, voicemail, e-mail). If you can, do it in person. If you absolutely can't, then at least have the decency to take a little heat by doing it over the phone. It's not fair to put someone out of a relationship in a manner in which they can't get closure or at least vent a little bit. The first simile that popped into my mind was shooting an unarmed man in the back.
Ryan M Long Photography
Buy my Prints!
I'm voting for in person, just because while it is harder to do, it is better in the long run.
As for what to say, I'll just echo what's been said. Be honest. Break it off clean with no chance for backsies. And whatever you do, don't sleep with her when you go up there.
As other people have said, make sure she knows there is no chance for her. You don't have to be mean, just be firm.
Be a man and at least drive out to see her to break up with her. It may cost you a couple dollars in gas and some extra drama, but it shows you respect her. Plus, I'm sure she has possessions of yours you would want back, and vice versa. Bring her stuff along so you can get the hostage exchange out of the way. Be honest, but be brief. Expect some tears and to feel rotten fro a few days, but you'll survive, and be better off in the long run.
A breakup should be short, sweet, and to the point. What are you planning to do... drive 6 hours, spend 30 minutes talking to her, and then drive 6 hours home? Fuck that. All that's going to do is increase the chances that the conversation will get long, ugly, and pointless.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Agree 100%
When you think about it, you're breaking up for yourself, not for her. It's an asshole way to look at it but you're not enjoying it anymore and you're ending it. If you were a completely selfless person, like a saint or something, then you'd probably stick it out and you'd suffer for it.
Given that you're already breaking up with her, why make this huge gesture by driving all the way out there? Three years is a good stretch of time, but it's a long distance relationship, it's not like she's next door.
Exactly. Just do it over the phone (this coming from someone who has experience both ways, and prefers to do it in person).
Yeah. I'm with Feral on this. If it was only an hour drive or something, then yeah, I can see going to do it in person. But six hours? I think phone is allright then.
Either way, it is gonna suck, so just go with whatever your conscience will allow.
And don't over do the 'its not you' bullshit. Because it is her. If she is 1- deeply into you and 2- has no idea there are problems there is no way you can break up without hurting her. The more you try not to hurt her the more confusing the breakup is going to be.
as the great minds that are my chemical romance once said-
"When you go
would you have the guts to say
I don't love you
like I loved you
yesterDAYAYAY"
also I don't really think you need to go there. But if you do decide to make sure she doesn't think its gonna be for the funtimes.
https://medium.com/@alascii
That should at least get it on the radar that something is up.
She's 6 hours away. If you try to break up with her in person, it's a 6 hr drive. You will either do it right away, which SHOULD result in you turning right back around and driving for another 6 hours. Or you will pussy out and not do it, because you don't want to be rude to her face, and you'll be back to "dammit, I really should do this!"
There are numerous ways to break up with someone. Some are less rude than others. They all accomplish the same end result, though. I would want to talk to a girl face to face if I had serious problems and wanted to consider some time apart. If I wanted to dump a girl, I would do it in a way that allows a clean break, so phone or meeting in a public space nearby.
It's not like you're proposing to her over sms. You're breaking up with her. You're not likely to see her much, if ever again. She's going to think you're a jerk no matter how you do it.
Personally, decisions like this are regarded best when they're finished as they're decided. You decided to break up with her. You can call her tonight and it's over with. If you wait to do it face to face, you need to "plan a breakup." Who the hell plans a breakup!?