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Popping the Question

XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
edited August 2013 in Help / Advice Forum
ahwhew .... I went and got a ring and thought of a way to ask my GF to marry me and a location and all that jazz.

I am flummoxed about one aspect though. Who do I tell beforehand? I asked her Dad as per tradition and I told my Dad and asked for advice (haha). I feel like I should tell someone or something. Maybe my Mom or Grandparents? Hell, I don't know anything about this.

When I ask her we'll be on the beach for a night time stroll, but when we get back to the house my Mom's whole side of the family will be there (we're going to the outter banks in one of those big 20 people houses).

I'm kind of nervous as to what to say. I mean, do I just burst in with a big "guess what!!"? That doesn't seem quite right. Also, what if we tell everyone and there is a stunned silence where everyone figures out what to say. I'm the first person (I mean the first of all my cousins on both sides of my family) to take this step and I have no idea what to do with respects to telling my family. They love my GF so I'm not worried about that, but I have no idea what or who to say or tell.

Sorry for rambeling, but by this time next week I plan to be engaged and I'm kind of nervous.

Maybe I'll cross post this in SE so I can get a good laugh from "In da butt" or something.

anyways, if anyone has been in this position before I'd love to hear some advice or experiences or anything.

Xaquin on
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    GanluanGanluan Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Before I proposed to my wife, the only people who knew were my parents and a couple close friends. I was worried if I told too many people, someone might accidentally spill the beans.

    As far as communicating it after you make it official, my wife went on a calling spree that night telling everyone :P

    Good luck!

    Ganluan on
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    PirateJonPirateJon Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Marrige is about the two of you. Weddings - and that is what engagments are about - are all about the bride. Make no mistake about that.

    You've done the traditional thing, now ask her. Don't tell anyone else.

    PirateJon on
    all perfectionists are mediocre in their own eyes
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    ViolentChemistryViolentChemistry __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2007
    PirateJon wrote: »
    Marrige is about the two of you. Weddings - and that is what engagments are about - are all about the bride. Make no mistake about that.

    Not always the case. Make no mistake about that.

    ViolentChemistry on
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    XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    PirateJon wrote: »
    Marrige is about the two of you. Weddings - and that is what engagments are about - are all about the bride. Make no mistake about that.

    You've done the traditional thing, now ask her. Don't tell anyone else.

    I'm just worried that if we come in and announce it that everyone will be at a temporary loss for words and I don't want my GF (fiance)(sp?) to interpret that wrong. I think I'd like at least one person to be in the know for an immediate cheer (or whatever). I just don't know the etiquette.

    Xaquin on
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    KalTorakKalTorak One way or another, they all end up in the Undercity.Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    PirateJon wrote: »
    Marrige is about the two of you. Weddings - and that is what engagments are about - are all about the bride. Make no mistake about that.

    Not always the case. Make no mistake about that.

    Yeah it doesn't have to be that way. I'm attending a wedding later this month and have never felt sorrier for anyone than this guy. I don't know if he's spoken a single word since wedding/shower/engagementparty/reception plans started - he's been completely drowned out by both mothers, friends, and bride.

    KalTorak on
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    WerrickWerrick Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Ask her just the way you planned, then when it's done talk with her about how she wants to tell people.

    You've only told her dad and your dad... that's fine. You don't really need to tell anyone else, you've covered all the bases.

    Werrick on
    "Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be rude without having their skulls split, as a general thing."

    -Robert E. Howard
    Tower of the Elephant
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    WerrickWerrick Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    KalTorak wrote: »
    PirateJon wrote: »
    Marrige is about the two of you. Weddings - and that is what engagments are about - are all about the bride. Make no mistake about that.

    Not always the case. Make no mistake about that.

    Yeah it doesn't have to be that way. I'm attending a wedding later this month and have never felt sorrier for anyone than this guy. I don't know if he's spoken a single word since wedding/shower/engagementparty/reception plans started - he's been completely drowned out by both mothers, friends, and bride.

    Some guys like that... as much as it pains me to admit it, there is some truth to the male stereotype of "Just tell me when and where to show up".

    Werrick on
    "Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be rude without having their skulls split, as a general thing."

    -Robert E. Howard
    Tower of the Elephant
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    XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Werrick wrote: »
    Ask her just the way you planned, then when it's done talk with her about how she wants to tell people.

    You've only told her dad and your dad... that's fine. You don't really need to tell anyone else, you've covered all the bases.

    well yeah, but my Dad won't be there when I tell the rest of my family.

    Xaquin on
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    WerrickWerrick Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Your dad already knows, doesn't he? He knows it's going to happen, you could always call him and tell him when it's done. If it's important to you that he be there then you can wait until he is and do it at that time.

    Maybe I'm misunderstanding or something...

    Werrick on
    "Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be rude without having their skulls split, as a general thing."

    -Robert E. Howard
    Tower of the Elephant
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    ViolentChemistryViolentChemistry __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2007
    Werrick wrote: »
    KalTorak wrote: »
    PirateJon wrote: »
    Marrige is about the two of you. Weddings - and that is what engagments are about - are all about the bride. Make no mistake about that.

    Not always the case. Make no mistake about that.

    Yeah it doesn't have to be that way. I'm attending a wedding later this month and have never felt sorrier for anyone than this guy. I don't know if he's spoken a single word since wedding/shower/engagementparty/reception plans started - he's been completely drowned out by both mothers, friends, and bride.

    Some guys like that... as much as it pains me to admit it, there is some truth to the male stereotype of "Just tell me when and where to show up".

    If by that you mean that there are numerous examples of men who hold that view of weddings upon which to base the stereotype, then yes. But that doesn't make the stereotype "true". I, for one, have at least a few things to say about any hypothetical wedding I'm supposed to be one of the stars of. And any girl who is going to deny me a voice in all wedding-arrangements is a girl I explicitly do not want to marry. I'm not looking to be owned any more than I'm looking to own someone else.

    ViolentChemistry on
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    XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Werrick wrote: »
    Your dad already knows, doesn't he? He knows it's going to happen, you could always call him and tell him when it's done. If it's important to you that he be there then you can wait until he is and do it at that time.

    Maybe I'm misunderstanding or something...

    He already knows I'll be asking her at the beach, but he won't be there with the rest of my family (parents are divorced). Sorry for the misunderstanding.

    Xaquin on
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    WerrickWerrick Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Werrick wrote: »

    Some guys like that... as much as it pains me to admit it, there is some truth to the male stereotype of "Just tell me when and where to show up".

    If by that you mean that there are numerous examples of men who hold that view of weddings upon which to base the stereotype, then yes. But that doesn't make the stereotype "true". I, for one, have at least a few things to say about any hypothetical wedding I'm supposed to be one of the stars of. And any girl who is going to deny me a voice in all wedding-arrangements is a girl I explicitly do not want to marry. I'm not looking to be owned any more than I'm looking to own someone else.

    We are certainly in agreement. That's part of the reason (not the whole reason, I'm also quite the misanthropic curmudgeon) I'm still single at my age, I'm just not willing to put up with the role of Butler and/or "Guy-what-pays-the-bills-provides-the-semen-and-shuts-the-fuck-up".

    The funny thing about stereotypes is that largely, by majority they aren't true, but occur often enough that they persist. I don't know where it comes from, but it's not the first time I've seen it. In fact, I've had male friends of mine say as much to me in passing. It was bad enough that they were only half serious...

    Werrick on
    "Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be rude without having their skulls split, as a general thing."

    -Robert E. Howard
    Tower of the Elephant
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    WerrickWerrick Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Xaquin wrote: »
    Werrick wrote: »
    Your dad already knows, doesn't he? He knows it's going to happen, you could always call him and tell him when it's done. If it's important to you that he be there then you can wait until he is and do it at that time.

    Maybe I'm misunderstanding or something...

    He already knows I'll be asking her at the beach, but he won't be there with the rest of my family (parents are divorced). Sorry for the misunderstanding.

    No sweat... so it sounds like no matter what, some of your family is going to be absent. I say ask her at the beach, once you both calm down the two of you can decide how/when you want to announce it either then and there or later on and then call your dad once it's "official" to let him know the deed's done.

    And, by the way... Congratu-fucking-lations, man!

    Good for you!

    Werrick on
    "Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be rude without having their skulls split, as a general thing."

    -Robert E. Howard
    Tower of the Elephant
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    XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    We've already started talking over hypothetical wedding situations etc. We're in agreement that we'll be planning it together (especialy since neither of us know what we're doing in the wedding planning regard).

    Xaquin on
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    XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Werrick wrote: »
    Xaquin wrote: »
    Werrick wrote: »
    Your dad already knows, doesn't he? He knows it's going to happen, you could always call him and tell him when it's done. If it's important to you that he be there then you can wait until he is and do it at that time.

    Maybe I'm misunderstanding or something...

    He already knows I'll be asking her at the beach, but he won't be there with the rest of my family (parents are divorced). Sorry for the misunderstanding.

    No sweat... so it sounds like no matter what, some of your family is going to be absent. I say ask her at the beach, once you both calm down the two of you can decide how/when you want to announce it either then and there or later on and then call your dad once it's "official" to let him know the deed's done.

    And, by the way... Congratu-fucking-lations, man!

    Good for you!

    Thanks :D

    Xaquin on
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    msuitepyonmsuitepyon Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    No one knew but me.

    msuitepyon on
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    MandaManda Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    O_o

    I knew too. But no one in our family did.

    Manda on
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    HooraydiationHooraydiation Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Don't get hung up on trying to make it "special". The moment more or less creates itself, and as you move further from simplicity the odds of becoming an awkward mess increase dramatically.

    At the same time, though, I don't think springing it on her will work out that well either.

    The way I see it, the best route is starting a conversation about your relationship and how happy you both are that references the reasons you have for wanting to marry her and ultimately culminates in a proposal. The topic will help prepare her, and maybe she'll even realize a ring is coming after a little while.

    Truth is, it might helps things if she realizes a proposal is on the way moments before it actually occurs. It's one thing to be completely spoiled by a blabby aunt a day beforehand, of course, but if she catches on herself mere minutes beforehand then it'll only make things easier for the both of you. Why not give her a few moments to gather herself for an appropriate reaction? After all, catching her offguard might result in the most awkward several seconds of silence in your life.

    Hooraydiation on
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    XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Don't get hung up on trying to make it "special". The moment more or less creates itself, and as you move further from simplicity the odds of becoming an awkward mess increase dramatically.

    At the same time, though, I don't think springing it on her will work out that well either.

    The way I see it, the best route is starting a conversation about your relationship and how happy you both are that references the reasons you have for wanting to marry her and ultimately culminates in a proposal. The topic will help prepare her, and maybe she'll even realize a ring is coming after a little while.

    Truth is, it might helps things if she realizes a proposal is on the way moments before it actually occurs. It's one thing to be completely spoiled by a blabby aunt a day beforehand, of course, but if she catches on herself mere minutes beforehand then it'll only make things easier for the both of you. Why not give her a few moments to gather herself for an appropriate reaction? After all, catching her offguard might result in the most awkward several seconds of silence in your life.

    hehe I'm not worried about asking my GF, but about us telling my family. I think it'll work out fine .... worst that can happen is there'll be a weird pause for a minute. My family loves my GF so it's not like there will be an outrage or anything. I think I'm just really nervous. Thanks for listening to my ranting everyone. I'll let everyone know how it went in a week.

    though if anyone has any more advice I'd love to hear it.

    Xaquin on
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    EverywhereasignEverywhereasign Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Congrats man.

    If it were me, I would take my mom aside just before we left for the beach (assuming I was for sure going to ask her then and there wasn't a chance of a sit-com moment later) and tell Mom what I was going to do. Let her know that she can tell the family after you two have left.

    She'll give you a hug and maybe a little tear. The two of you leave, and mom does the dirty work. That way when you walk in the door, everyone will be looking at her hand and yelling various congratulations.

    You avoid the awkward, "Hey everyone, guess what we just did!?" and everyone has a chance to get used to the idea so there aren't any pauses when you walk in.

    She can then call her friends and her family and tell them, so she is still involved in letting everyone know. And there is no chance of anyone spilling the beans early.

    Everywhereasign on
    "What are you dense? Are you retarded or something? Who the hell do you think I am? I'm the goddamn Batman!"
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    XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    excellent idea.

    thanks

    Xaquin on
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    misbehavinmisbehavin Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Honestly, I wouldn't even worry about the family at all. It's good that you asked her dad, tradition is important in some families, but beyond that, now it's about you and her, and nothing else. The families will find out in due time after the fact, you don't need to preface them. Really, I don't even know why you'd want to. IN FACT, some women might be ANGRY if they didn't get to tell their family. They WANT it to be a surprise.

    misbehavin on
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    PirateJonPirateJon Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Werrick wrote: »
    KalTorak wrote: »
    PirateJon wrote: »
    Marrige is about the two of you. Weddings - and that is what engagments are about - are all about the bride. Make no mistake about that.

    Not always the case. Make no mistake about that.

    Yeah it doesn't have to be that way. I'm attending a wedding later this month and have never felt sorrier for anyone than this guy. I don't know if he's spoken a single word since wedding/shower/engagementparty/reception plans started - he's been completely drowned out by both mothers, friends, and bride.

    Some guys like that... as much as it pains me to admit it, there is some truth to the male stereotype of "Just tell me when and where to show up".

    If by that you mean that there are numerous examples of men who hold that view of weddings upon which to base the stereotype, then yes. But that doesn't make the stereotype "true". I, for one, have at least a few things to say about any hypothetical wedding I'm supposed to be one of the stars of. And any girl who is going to deny me a voice in all wedding-arrangements is a girl I explicitly do not want to marry. I'm not looking to be owned any more than I'm looking to own someone else.

    Just because you have an equal say doesn't mean it's not all about the bride. Blame society. Blame gender stereotypes. Blame aliens, jews, or the illuminati. Fact: I planned and completed my entire wedding start to finish from locations to music to food to cake to flowers. It was "all about the bride".


    Remember - there is no song for "here comes the groom"

    PirateJon on
    all perfectionists are mediocre in their own eyes
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    Legoman05Legoman05 Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Quick tip Mr. H, you might want to take your Amazon wish list out of your sig. :D

    Legoman05 on
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    XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Legoman05 wrote: »
    Quick tip Mr. H, you might want to take your Amazon wish list out of your sig. :D

    oh shit!

    Xaquin on
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    ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Congrats man.

    If it were me, I would take my mom aside just before we left for the beach (assuming I was for sure going to ask her then and there wasn't a chance of a sit-com moment later) and tell Mom what I was going to do. Let her know that she can tell the family after you two have left.

    She'll give you a hug and maybe a little tear. The two of you leave, and mom does the dirty work. That way when you walk in the door, everyone will be looking at her hand and yelling various congratulations.

    You avoid the awkward, "Hey everyone, guess what we just did!?" and everyone has a chance to get used to the idea so there aren't any pauses when you walk in.

    She can then call her friends and her family and tell them, so she is still involved in letting everyone know. And there is no chance of anyone spilling the beans early.
    This is only a good idea if you know she's going to say "yes."

    Thanatos on
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    EverywhereasignEverywhereasign Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Thanatos wrote: »
    my idea
    This is only a good idea if you know she's going to say "yes."

    Very true. That could fall under the sit-com esque situation. I read the OP's posts to sound as though they've been planning it for a while, including details of the wedding, so I'm guessing it's 'in the bag'.

    But for sure, make sure she's going to say yes, and you aren't going to chicken out.

    Everywhereasign on
    "What are you dense? Are you retarded or something? Who the hell do you think I am? I'm the goddamn Batman!"
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    XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    I'm 99% sure she'll say yes .... of course the 1% that isn't sure won't shut up =/

    Xaquin on
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    WerrickWerrick Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Xaquin wrote: »
    I'm 99% sure she'll say yes .... of course the 1% that isn't sure won't shut up =/

    Kick it in the junk.

    Werrick on
    "Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be rude without having their skulls split, as a general thing."

    -Robert E. Howard
    Tower of the Elephant
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    DrZiplockDrZiplock Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    That 1% is always a bitch.

    Rub his nose in it when you're done with all of this.

    DrZiplock on
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    ViolentChemistryViolentChemistry __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2007
    PirateJon wrote: »
    Just because you have an equal say doesn't mean it's not all about the bride. Blame society. Blame gender stereotypes. Blame aliens, jews, or the illuminati. Fact: I planned and completed my entire wedding start to finish from locations to music to food to cake to flowers. It was "all about the bride".


    Remember - there is no song for "here comes the groom"

    So why not just let the bride go by herself?

    ViolentChemistry on
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    HeirHeir Ausitn, TXRegistered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Heh, I was one of those stereotypical grooms...or I guess I would have been if my wife would have let me! :x

    I had a little input (I planned the honeymoon, groom's cake, helped with getting a photographer) but for the most part I was more than happy to stay out of it. Namely because as long as she was there that day, and the ceremony/reception wasn't overly lavish; I was ok with it. Thankfully I knew my wife pretty well, and what kind of person she was/is. I wasn't terribly worried about showing up to something completely off base.

    To the OP: Grats on your (hopefully) soon to be engagement! I know my wife did most of the calling on the way home from where it went down. I called my parents the next day because it was late.

    And kudos for asking her father first. It can be tough, but it earns you brownie points with the parents and with her.

    Heir on
    camo_sig2.png
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    EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited August 2007
    It's typically more about the bride because there are more things for the bride. Most grooms rent a tux -- the bride buys the dress. The dress is also fitted more carefully, obviously so, but the bride also carries the flowers so she typically has more say in the color and style of those flowers. I had a much more modern/equal wedding, but there's still more for the bride to worry about, simply because she can't just rent a dress.

    As for the OP, from what you've said you're doing this very traditionally. Meaning that you actually asked the dad for permission (even though you're marrying the girl, not her dad), you have an 'event' planned for asking her to marry you, you've already bought the ring. I'll assume that your girlfriend and you are very serious (hence the 99%), and you probably would not have gotten this far, and had these traditional things set up in the first place, if the girl was looking to turn you down.

    Since you're going the traditional route, not the archaic route, you would ask the dad and then ask the girl next. The archaic way is asking the family and then not asking the girl, since she's their property and your family would also receive a dowry. Thankfully you're not that old fashioned.


    The modern way is talk about it, ask the girl, if she says yes you pick a date or a general timeframe, tell the parents, then start ring shopping. You'll note, though, that "ask the girl" is way at the beginning of both methods. The family is supposed to be excited that she's actually getting married, not excited that you're going to ask her. Plus, most people who get worked up over weddings are the kind who like to be surprised by it.

    EggyToast on
    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
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    MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    edited August 2007
    I asked my wife's (still crazy to type!) mother, as her dad died a few yearsa ago. It was really just a formallity, as it had pretty much been assumed for the last year.

    Since we were still living near downtown Chicago, I decided to pop the question at Millennium Park. I got her to go under the guise of listneing to one of the free concerts they have during the summer. We walked around for awhile, as I looked for a good spot to ask. I decided on the big Roman piller area, but had to wait until the bum got out of the fountain, collecting change.

    I started talking about how we been dating for 3 years, and how wonderful it'd been, and, just by chance today was a Wednesday, just like our first date, so...ta dah! It went over so well, she slammed the ring box closed. I still give her a hard time, seeing how that was her first answer. After we did it, we walked around for a bit, then called our mothers to share the good news.

    I wouldn't tell anyone else; make it her surprise.

    MichaelLC on
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    HorusHorus Los AngelesRegistered User regular
    edited August 2007
    YOUTUBE IT MAN!!!!!
    Honestly congrats, just don't tell anyone maybe few who can help you achieve what you have in mind. Be nice to throw a party where everyone doesn't know the purpose.

    Horus on
    “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...”
    ― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!
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    SageinaRageSageinaRage Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    So there's a guy I play D&D with, came to the session one day. Sat down, said "So me and <fiance's name> got married this weekend. You guys should feel honored, because you found out before my parents."

    As far as I know, his proposal was about as low-key.

    I wouldn't suggest that route.

    SageinaRage on
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    chromdomchromdom Who? Where?Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    I asked my fiancee to marry me just about 3 months ago. I don't recall if I posted anything here (I think I may have), but I know I mentioned it to 2 buddies of mine. It's really hard to keep something like that to yourself, and it can really help to have someone sort of bucking you up. So from my situation, tell a person or two who you're close to -- maybe potential groomsmen? -- and run it by them.

    But yeah, stay away from telling the people who are there that weekend. You don't want to create any kind of awkward situation with someone knowing and not able to keep their mouth shut.

    As for who/how to tell family after, I imagine she'll be crying and ecstatic and whatnot, so that will largely take care of itself.

    chromdom on
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    GoodOmensGoodOmens Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    I guess I'm a bit odd...I didn't tell anyone before proposing, I didn't even have a ring. I had been planning on asking her, but I didn't think I'd do it so soon, so I wasn't quite ready. The moment was right. We went ring-shopping the next day and found one that we both really love. I called our families afterwards.

    Looking back, I do wish I had asked her dad first. Sure, it's old-school patriarchal bullshit, but there's something nice about tradition.

    To the OP, I would suggest not telling alot of people beforehand. They'll all know soon enough. And get ready for lots of stress...wedding planning is crazy.

    GoodOmens on
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    PirateJonPirateJon Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    PirateJon wrote: »
    Just because you have an equal say doesn't mean it's not all about the bride. Blame society. Blame gender stereotypes. Blame aliens, jews, or the illuminati. Fact: I planned and completed my entire wedding start to finish from locations to music to food to cake to flowers. It was "all about the bride".


    Remember - there is no song for "here comes the groom"

    So why not just let the bride go by herself?


    ***ERROR***
    Your attempt at exaggeration for effect has failed.

    Do you stop being a tool? (Y/N)

    PirateJon on
    all perfectionists are mediocre in their own eyes
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    ViolentChemistryViolentChemistry __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2007
    PirateJon wrote: »
    PirateJon wrote: »
    Just because you have an equal say doesn't mean it's not all about the bride. Blame society. Blame gender stereotypes. Blame aliens, jews, or the illuminati. Fact: I planned and completed my entire wedding start to finish from locations to music to food to cake to flowers. It was "all about the bride".


    Remember - there is no song for "here comes the groom"

    So why not just let the bride go by herself?


    ***ERROR***
    Your attempt at exaggeration for effect has failed.

    Do you stop being a tool? (Y/N)

    Your claim that there's only one way to have a wedding has yet to be substantiated.

    ViolentChemistry on
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