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I'm at a loss here (girl thread)

Zombies Tossed My Salad!Zombies Tossed My Salad! Registered User regular
edited August 2007 in Help / Advice Forum
So, I will preface this with saying I am 20 and in a long distance relationship. I know that a lot of people will straight up tell me to break it off now, but let me say that I would very much like that to be my very last option in this situation. So please do not tell me to break up with her, because I know that that will always be the last option.

I love this girl. With all my heart and soul. I don't know what it is about her, but it all clicks. She makes me more happy than any thing in the world. She loves be just as much back. So, heres the problem. I live in Portland, OR, and she lives in Spokane, WA. She keeps trying to move here but things keep happening to her. We have tried several times to see each other more, but some thing always gets in the way. Some how some thing always happens to keep us apart. She's 18 and lives with her mom, and she wants to maintain some sort of positive relationship with her parent, so she can't just up and leave.

So what I want to know is, how do I go about getting her down here, and how do I say it to make it not seem like I am throwing out an ultimatum? I'm tired of being constantly disappointed every time we makes plans. I want to be with this girl more than any thing. So how do I go about saving this relationship?

Zombies Tossed My Salad! on

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    ege02ege02 __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2007
    Where is she going to live once she moves down there?

    And please don't say "with me" because that would be fucking stupid at your age(s).

    ege02 on
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    Zombies Tossed My Salad!Zombies Tossed My Salad! Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    ege02 wrote: »
    Where is she going to live once she moves down there?

    And please don't say "with me" because that would be fucking stupid at your age(s).
    With her grandparents. Who live in Tigard, OR.

    Zombies Tossed My Salad! on
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    Fort1tudeFort1tude Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    You want to be with this girl more than anything, obviously she doesnt feel the same way. She feels scared (rightfully so, its a big decision) and is probably looking for excuses not to go. You have 3 choices as I see it

    1. You give her an ultimatum and if she misses the deadline you say sorry honey, not gonna kill myself over you
    2. You try to move up there, probably a bad idea and if you dont have housing and a job setup before you go you will probably be back before christmas
    3. Learn to live with the pain, as I did, knowing that eventually, if its truly ment to be, it will happen somehow. Just know that its going to suck ass and your gonna have fights and your going to hate her and yourself alternatively. But you have to deal with it.

    EDIT: For clarity my fiance was in oklahoma, i was in new york. Met online, chatted, met in person after a month, met several times for several week long visits, talked non stop on the phone when we could, proposed in person at 3 months. Then spent about a year with the long distance till she moved up here into my old house that my mom just moved out of and is now renting to both of us.

    Fort1tude on
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    mullymully Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    If you really love her, you'll wait until the time is right for both of you. I know you haven't been going out that long, because I remember when you started to talk about her. Long distance is hard, and yes, you're free to complain about how hard it is and how much you miss her but you are never free to complain about "why isn't she here yet?". She's not there yet because she doesn't want to be - or she does, but like Fort1tude said; she's scared, and rightfully so.

    Why is she really choosing to live with her grandparents? Please tell me there are parts of this decision that don't have to do with you. The idea to "move in with the grandparents", honestly, to me, sounds like a feeble attempt to retain a non-adult lifestyle. Why isn't she planning to work first, save up, and move straight to Portland, if you are the goal, here?

    How many times have you met up with her? Last time I spoke to you about this, you hadn't met her yet, and it wasn't that long ago.

    Look, I've been in your position. I was in your position for 5 years. And in the end? He wasn't here because he didn't want to be. I'm not saying that's what's going on in your situation exactly, but ... just don't let it get to that and don't wear your rose-coloured glasses every time you talk to her.

    mully on
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    FawkesFawkes __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2007
    No, it's not at all obvious she doesn't feel the same way Fortitude. There are plenty of perfectly good reasons she might not be able to move away from Washington. Also, though I saw the OP asking how to get her to move to him, I didn't see him considering moving to her. So it looks like they are both equally unwilling to take that leap.

    So OP, if you feel like you say, and if she can't come to you, then the obvious solution is: go to her.

    Fawkes on
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    itylusitylus Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    You say "somehow something always happens to keep us apart". Can you give a couple of examples?

    itylus on
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    MaydayMayday Cutting edge goblin tech Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Yep. If you believe her (and I assume you do) the best (only?) thing is to wait for the opportunity. I had spent 2,5 a year in a long-distance relationship before we started studying in one city. I came there first and lived alone for a year, she joined me the next year- although she was scared of the risk, we're now both very happy living together.

    Mayday on
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    AphostileAphostile San Francisco, CARegistered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Honestly, I don't believe that long term relationships can last unless both people are truly dedicated to the relationship.

    At this age, most relationships that are "forever" aren't. It's just the way things go.

    Can you go into details about her mother, as well? Does she support the relationship, at all? I can imagine that she's ONE of the reasons that makes this even more difficult. Not because she wants to keep a good relationship with her mother, but the fact that she's a mother looking to protect her child probably means that she's been denoucing the relationship and trying to convince her otherwise when this girl thinks/proposes ideas about you.

    Aphostile on
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    EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Yeah, listen to Mully. Also, you can't say you're happy in a relationship and that she makes you so happy if you're talking about how disappointed you are that you can't see her. You've got a long distance relationship now. That's what it is. That means that if you were happy with it, the fact that you don't see her that often is OK -- you're happy enough to know that you're together.

    What you're saying is that you want the relationship to change, and that you want it to be a close-distance relationship. That means you're unhappy with some aspect of it. In this case, it's that she lives in Spokane and is unwilling to move. So you really do have just 3 options -- wait, move to her, or break it off.

    She's 18, you're 20. You haven't been waiting 20 years for the perfect girl -- you've just met her. I hope, at least, that you've met each other face to face? As it is, she's probably just finished high school, isn't sure what she's going to do with her life, and while she likes you, it's a big jump to just up and move across state lines to be with a boy you've just met.

    If you really love the girl, and she really loves you, just wait. Wait and encourage her to figure out what she's doing with her life. Don't even pressure anything about moving. If you both love each other, you'll find a way to be together. The fact that you mention nothing about moving to Washington, though, makes me wonder how much you really want to be with her, and not just have her be around you with no change in your own life.

    If you want to see her more, just drive up there every weekend. If she's unwilling and the mom is against it, you're going to have some hard roads ahead of you. Long distance relationships can work just fine, but both people have to be committed AND they both have to have a strong level of independence. Living with mom and just finishing highschool means she's probably young enough to not have either, which means you shouldn't become totally devoted to the girl just yet.

    EggyToast on
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    Zombies Tossed My Salad!Zombies Tossed My Salad! Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Ok so people keep mentioning that I should move up to washington. This is unfeasible for two reasons.

    One, I have very little money. I work for just over minimum wage with no savings to speak of.
    Two, I am still trying to finish college here

    Zombies Tossed My Salad! on
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    ChestertonChesterton Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    It's really quite simple.

    Is she worth it?

    Is she worth maintaining a stressful long-distance relationship with?
    Is she worth waiting for, however long?
    Is she worthwhile pursuing even if there is a chance it might not work out in the end?

    If the answer is yes, grit your teeth and do the best you can to live with the current situation until things change.

    If it is no, then you need to ask yourself whether it is reasonable that you are expecting her to make sacrifices when when you are obviously not willing to make any for her.

    Chesterton on
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    Zombies Tossed My Salad!Zombies Tossed My Salad! Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    She's worth it.

    Zombies Tossed My Salad! on
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    SpeakeasySpeakeasy Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Man that's what I thought about this girl I came out of high school with. Three years and suddenly she thinks it's for the best of us if we aren't together anymore, even after all I (we) put into the relationship. And then she has the nerve to complain to me about her new guy. Argh.

    But back on topic, hope does a lot to a person, and obviously it is making you feel that this girl is the one. Delusional as it may seem, if you truly feel this way, then by all means go for it. Hopefully your efforts will put out, unlike mine.

    Speakeasy on
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    ÆthelredÆthelred Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    I'm also curious what 'things' are that keep getting in the way. Is it things that are partly her fault? Perhaps she doesn't want to see you all that much?

    Æthelred on
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    VeritasVRVeritasVR Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Speakeasy wrote: »
    Man that's what I thought about this girl I came out of high school with. Three years and suddenly she thinks it's for the best of us if we aren't together anymore, even after all I (we) put into the relationship. And then she has the nerve to complain to me about her new guy. Argh.

    But back on topic, hope does a lot to a person, and obviously it is making you feel that this girl is the one. Delusional as it may seem, if you truly feel this way, then by all means go for it. Hopefully your efforts will put out, unlike mine.

    I've been in the same situation, except long distance. It's not uncommon for things to turn out like that, even if her own mother says you two are "soul mates".

    VeritasVR on
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    Jedi KnightJedi Knight Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    The way I see it, you'll have to wait until circumstances are more favorable. Having been in the same situation, maybe save up some money and finish school. Waiting sucks, but if you're meant to be together then you will find a way.

    Jedi Knight on
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    KyanilisKyanilis Bellevue, WARegistered User regular
    edited August 2007
    The thing about long distance relationships is that they are extremely trying. You have to be willing to accept that you may not see your significant other and that things may come up. Also there has to be a much larger willingness to completely trust each other since you're not around to see how they might act around other people. Now, I'm not saying its impossible, but they require a different type of person.

    It sounds like she honestly doesn't want to make the move. Like she'll plan things out to make you happy, but other than that her heart really isn't in it. People do that when they're unsure of something, and unless she finds a reason other than you to move I really wouldn't recommend she makes the move anyway. I believe it was mentioned you havn't been with her all that long. Relationships always seem incredible when they start out, like it was always meant to be, I believe it would be for the best if you just let things go as they are for now, if it was meant to work out, it will. Trying to force it at this point could lead to the opposite effect, with her moving and eventually becoming unhappy with the decision, at which point she'd probably end up unhappy with you.

    Seriously, give it time. If you want to be with her that is the only thing you can do. Enjoy the relationship for now, and if things come to moving around to be closer to each other, so be it, either way you should be saving as much money as you can. If you move or if she moves, expect to pay out some to help out...it'll show that you're more willing to help make things happen.

    If you feel she's worth it, you must also feel she's worth waiting on.

    Kyanilis on
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    EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Dude, you work a minimum wage job and go to college. While that's perfectly normal for someone who's 20, it means that you're not exactly in a position to decide what major life-changing events you're going to undertake. That includes bringing a girl away from her mom to live with relatives so she can be close to you.

    So either chill, and wait, and if she's worth it, then you should be happy that you're seeing her at all. I mean, if it's that perfect of a thing, then you'll have the rest of your lives to be together. If it takes 4 years to get there, so be it. Rushing to live close together makes it sound like she's not worth it -- she's only worth it if you can get her closer, so you can see her all the time.

    EggyToast on
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    kingmetalkingmetal Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Portland to Spokane? Shit son, that's not even that far. You don't have a car or any means of transportation? That drive wouldn't even be too bad.



    Why does she absolutely have to move? She's 18 and obviously not ready to leave the nest - sure, you two may be all gaga in love with each other but that doesn't mean she should disrupt her current family situation just because you two can't deal with a little distance.

    You can get a round trip ticket from Portland to Spokane for next weekend for $123. Split the cost (or just plan a head and they drop to under $100. Yeah, it's not no money (and I know how it is to be broke and in college) but you two can collectively come up with $100 every month (or a couple times a month?). Figure something out. Be resourceful.

    I met my girl in April, we spent two months fucking glued to each other, she took off to spend two months in Europe and she just got back and is moving to Seattle. I flew up there last week to move her in and set her up - we talk on the phone every day and we have plane tickets bought out in advance up till October (she flies down for a weekend and I fly up for a weekend once a month). My long distance relationship is relatively new, but I can already tell you that the best thing for both of you is to stay busy and plan ahead. Travel is damn cheap if you do it right - and eventually you two will be able to be in the same place WHEN LIFE LETS YOU.

    kingmetal on
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    CasketCasket __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2007
    Have you actually met this girl physically?

    I would hold off on exalting her until you have. For many reasons. A long time ago a guy had met the most wonderful girl of his dreams ever online, but they too always had problems trying to meet.

    Eventually he discovered the girl didn't even exist. It was just a guy using some other girls pictures on a dating site faking the whole thing. Guy was devastated completely. Then he probably killed himself.

    A similar story also happened in Everquest with a guy's guild member who was not really a girl. He also killed himself.

    So be careful duder.

    Casket on
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    Chief1138Chief1138 Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Dude she's 18. You can't expect somebody that young to just up and move away from everything they know, no matter how much you think you're in love with her.

    Chief1138 on
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    madstork91madstork91 Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Im 23.

    My girlfriend of a year now is 19 (met her when she was 18)

    I plan on marrying her.

    Before I get flamed she is VERY smart and VERY mature. Grad at 16, associates degree at 18 in Nursing, and she will be done with school at 20. She works at a hospital now as a PT tech.

    I am lucky.

    Dating anyone that young though... Your girl is going to be going through a lot issues in next few years regardless of if she is near you or far from you. It is true that her being close would give yoru relationship a better chance of surviving... but it is going to be hell for her. Mine lives away from her family too, and it makes her feel horrible and homesick sometimes.

    The grandparents are an easy living arrangement for your girl... sure, but that only prolongs the inevitability of her having to grow up. And depending on her will either cause some bad things, or give her a good rate at growing up. It is more likely to cause the first if she lives with them for more than a year.

    I make it a rule to warn college freshmen that keeping a long distance relationship is hard, but doable. Being close doesn't mean that it will last.

    My advice... Let her grow up how she chooses too. Pressuring her now will only cause problems later if you want to keep her. Just because she doesn't move up doesn't mean that she doesn't want to be with you. 18 is a difficult age for some to get through the day, let alone pick up and move.

    Let her decide. If you love her, then love her. Even if she is far away for now.

    madstork91 on
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    LadyMLadyM Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Why don't you just visit her once in a while on weekends? Portland to Spokane isn't that far. I worked for an insurance broker in Spokane with agents in various states, blah blah, and one of the Portland agents drove down to Spokane often . . . and that wasn't even to see anyone in particular, it was just because he wanted to get boozed up with the office staff.

    LadyM on
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