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Life goes on (Girl Thread)

noobertnoobert Registered User regular
edited August 2007 in Help / Advice Forum
My ex has just turned 18, the legal drinking/clubbing/pubbing age here. We had a talk and she wants to be single, experience it all with out feeling tied down and guilty etc. She claims to truly love me and says she honestly sees us together again in a serious relationship some time later in life... She has no idea about how long she needs to be alone for. She has been in "serious relationships" for the past ~4 years.

I've attempted to understand her point of view, but its hard/confusing. I can understand that if she doesn't get out there and live it up, she may regret it later in life. I really feel i do love her, but i'm not willing to wait around for something that may happen in a month, or never.

So how do i get on with my life? For the last 8 months she has been my EVERYTHING. The only good thing in life, i know now that i was a fool for feeling that way, but i did. And because of that, i feel that i need to be single as much as she does, But its so fucking hard. I want to kiss her again, hold her etc, all that couple stuff. I've let her know that if we are ever in the same place i wont be able to stop myself.

I am trying to cut contact, i've limited us to only talking over MSN. I don't know how good of an idea this is, but i don't know anything rite now.

How do i get on with my life? I want to be able to say i'm moving on, i don't want to have the feeling that she is in total control of my life. I've been hanging out with friends and i've gotten a gym membership, work will also keep me pretty busy. But it still hurts soo, soo much.

noobert on

Posts

  • ZombotZombot Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Keep hanging out with your friends, go to the gym, and keep working and you will eventually get over it.
    As they say, time heals all wounds.
    It's a good idea to keep contact to a minimal for right now.

    Zombot on
  • IreneDAdlerIreneDAdler Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    noobert wrote: »
    For the last 8 months she has been my EVERYTHING. The only good thing in life, i know now that i was a fool for feeling that way

    Please don't EVER EVER let this be the only thing you take away from a relationship. I know it's hard to not feel bitter/cynical/jaded right now, but you should never feel foolish for being completely emotionally invested. Yes, it's risky, but I'm basically a romantic, and I believe that being able to completely devote yourself to another person is a rare and precious trait. Maybe it's just easy for me to say this because I'm still with the one boyfriend I've ever had and we've been together for almost 7 years; so I guess you could say I'm still with my first love.

    I'm sorry you got hurt like this. I agree the best thing to do would be to cut off all contact, but that will take great discipline. Being with friends always helps keep your mind off things and helps you recover. It seems to me that she's being more than a touch selfish (or maybe just incredibly weak-minded and falling prey to the media image that all young girls should party). If she does approach you about getting back together, I would exercise extreme caution, if not deny her outright. I may revise my opinion of her if she shows sincere contrition.

    Anyway, the general idea of keeping yourself sane is to keep busy. As has been mentioned, the companionship of friends is very helpful. Pick up some books/games/movies to keep your mind occupied when you're by yourself.

    IreneDAdler on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • Uncle LongUncle Long Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    noobert wrote: »
    For the last 8 months she has been my EVERYTHING. The only good thing in life...

    This part here.

    You know why it hurts because you said it right there. Understand that you've been relieved of the only obstacle that still kept you living the life you live. Now is your chance to change who you are for the better. If she was the only good thing in your life than it sounds like you aren't feeling particularly whole as a person. And, as forum wisdom will surely tell you, for a relationship to work it needs to be mutual and not a dependency issue: where both parties are made better by the relationship but happy independently.

    As for the hurting: it goes on, and it has to. It's a hangover and it won't go away by any other means than time; drugs, drinking, all of that, may dull the pain but ultimately prolong it.

    Talk to your friends about it. Make some new friends, try new things, keep yourself occupied; one of the hardest things when you're going through a break-up (and given that she isn't giving you priority I tend to consider this a break-up) is sitting at home doing nothing while she is out at the bar with her friends. Keep active and enjoy your life.

    Uncle Long on
  • FirstComradeStalinFirstComradeStalin Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Don't feel like you need to be single just because she wants to be. You're open to do whatever you want to do, and there's no guarantee that she'll stay single herself. Considering she has a history of doing so, she may end up in another serious relationship and you'll end up very hurt if you try to view this as simply a "break". Go out there, meet people, meet women, and do what you want to do.

    Of course, get over the relationship you just got out of first. You don't want to let that damage your relationships down the line, which, considering that you are probably under 20 still, will probably be many.

    FirstComradeStalin on
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  • noobertnoobert Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Don't feel like you need to be single just because she wants to be. You're open to do whatever you want to do, and there's no guarantee that she'll stay single herself. Considering she has a history of doing so, she may end up in another serious relationship and you'll end up very hurt if you try to view this as simply a "break". Go out there, meet people, meet women, and do what you want to do.

    Of course, get over the relationship you just got out of first. You don't want to let that damage your relationships down the line, which, considering that you are probably under 20 still, will probably be many.

    20 exactly ;)

    I can't help but think this is a short term thing, and that she is doing it to find herself. I keep hoping that she will call me, tell me it was all a stupid mistake and want me back.

    And in time, i want to be able to consider it, and not shout MY GOD YES I WANT YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING.

    I'm pretty sure i'm going to ignore the females for awhile. I know i was happy with out one in my life, i know i will be happy again.

    Hell, its only been ~24 hours since she told me anyway ;)

    noobert on
  • Mr. PokeylopeMr. Pokeylope Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Don't wait arround for her. Really what she has told you is that if she doesn't find anyone better she'll be back which is a dick thing to do. You deserve to have some that wants to be with you and not be someone's back up plan.

    Sometimes you just have to tell yourself its over. Hanging on to some slim hope is just going to torture yourself in the long run.

    And definetly cut all contact.

    Mr. Pokeylope on
  • ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Stop talking to her over MSN. Stop talking to her altogether. You need some time apart, as others have said.

    And from this moment on, assume she has broken up with you and that you will never be together again. You need to move on with your life.

    Thanatos on
  • ege02ege02 __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2007
    noobert wrote: »
    How do i get on with my life?

    By dating other girls.

    ege02 on
  • FallingmanFallingman Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Honestly - this happens quite a lot. People break up with someone, they dont want to hurt them, so they say something really REALLY bad like "I can see us being together in the future".

    I'm sorry man, but if you're waiting for this, then you're in for a world of hurt.

    I know it seems bad now, but work on being happy independently - otherwise it was never a healthy relationship. Try and move on.

    Fallingman on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • BearcatBearcat Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Really what she has told you is that if she doesn't find anyone better she'll be back which is a dick thing to do. You deserve to have some that wants to be with you and not be someone's back up plan.

    Pretty much hit the nail on the head here.
    It's a pretty sobering slap in the face, and a lot of girls do it/think it's legitimate, but all they want to do is get around the block a few times, or at least knock on some doors.

    Bearcat on
  • FellhandFellhand Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Too bad for her she probably doesn't know that there are other girls out there better then her.

    Seriously.

    I just went through this. I don't even talk to my ex anymore, but I'm still good friends with her mom. I'm already seeing a new girl that actually appreciates me and is much more compatible with me. The way I explained it to her mom "She injured my pride and I will never forgive that."

    Fellhand on
  • WerrickWerrick Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    noobert wrote: »
    claims to truly love me says she honestly sees us together again in a serious relationship some time later in life... She has no idea about how long she needs to be alone for. She has been in "serious relationships" for the past ~4 years.

    If the bolded were true she wouldn't have broken up with you so that she could go drinking and carousing. She would realize that she could go out drinking and having a good time and experiencing that part of life while still in a relationship.

    Now... what I'm about to tell you is gonna suck, alright? I'm gonna tell you this because I don't think I would be doing you any favours by stepping around it.
    We had a talk and she wants to be single, experience it all with out feeling tied down and guilty.

    You know what this means, don't you? For whatever reason she doesn't want to be in a relationship. She's respectful, mature and considerate enough to end her relationship before she goes out and does whatever she likes with whomever she likes, but that's what that means, or at least part of it. I don't mean to be cruel and I know that the idea hurts, but that's what it means and you need to understand that. Don't dwell on it, don't chew on it, but understand it and store it away.

    This relationship is over, my friend.

    You need to slice off contact. Don't fool yourself into thinking that she might get over it in a month, this "party phase" often lasts years, and because it's often an integral part of growing up you're a different person at the end of it than when you started which means that by the time she's over it and it's out of her system she may well not be the same person you were dating.

    Don't wait around for her to figure it out. Stop talking to her, make sure you spend time with your friends, don't stop going to the gym, make sure you get enough sleep and get on with it.

    Jog on, son.

    Werrick on
    "Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be rude without having their skulls split, as a general thing."

    -Robert E. Howard
    Tower of the Elephant
  • Seaborn111Seaborn111 Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    noobert wrote: »
    My ex has just turned 18...She has been in "serious relationships" for the past ~4 years.

    i'll just compound advice given by others.

    First, easiest way to move on? Find another girl. And it's remarkably easy.

    second, stop talking to her. she'll probably end up coming around looking for you anyway.

    Third (and this one is mine) She and most likely you as well are too young to worry about serious anything. You're just getting into the relationship time trials, so to speak. Take time to enjoy life which includes women. plural.


    You'll come out of this just fine, probably better than you were. Just keep your chin up and eyes at chest level.

    edit: i'll throw this in as well. When i left for university, i ditched my girlfriend. Mostly because i don't do the long distance thing, but also partially because i wanted to indulge in all that comes with that freedom. I sometimes regret it, but then i remember how awesome freshman year was and forget about it. Basically.

    Seaborn111 on
    </bush>
    It's impossible for us to without a doubt prove the non-existence of God. We just have to take it on faith that he's imaginary..
  • PreacherPreacher Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    "She says, 'Can't we
    be still like see each other once in a while
    and have lunch or see a movie? Just to be friends?'
    I said 'Yeah, friends, I think I know what you mean.
    I've become some kind of emotional tampon
    that you need four or five days a month
    when no one else will take your fucking bullshit.
    But we don't fuck, right?
    Isn't that what friends is, we don't fuck, right?'"

    From the late great Sam Kinison. Let her go and move on with your life, to support what Werrick said if she truely loved you she wouldn't be leaving you. It's like duct tape you have to rip it off cleanly.

    Preacher on
    I would like some money because these are artisanal nuggets of wisdom philistine.

    pleasepaypreacher.net
  • noobertnoobert Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    I have come to the decision that we can still friends and be a part of each others lives untill she hooks up with someone else. At that point i'll start moving on. We have spoken more, and she promises me that she wants to be alone and it is a totally personal thing. She said if she wants to be with someone it will be me and she says she will not get with anyone else.

    It may sound stupid and retarded, but its something i can deal with. If she doesn't keep her word then i will cut her from my life.

    And i'm pretty sure we will still be fucking ;)

    noobert on
  • WerrickWerrick Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    noobert wrote: »
    I have come to the decision that we can still friends and be a part of each others lives untill she hooks up with someone else. At that point i'll start moving on. We have spoken more, and she promises me that she wants to be alone and it is a totally personal thing. She said if she wants to be with someone it will be me and she says she will not get with anyone else.

    It may sound stupid and retarded, but its something i can deal with. If she doesn't keep her word then i will cut her from my life.

    No, this sounds fine. There's nothign wrong with this... assuming you can control the jealousy that you will inevitably feel. Maybe you're one of those guys, I don't know you, so maybe you can deal with it. I know I couldn't.
    And i'm pretty sure we will still be fucking ;)

    This is fucking stupid.

    Werrick on
    "Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be rude without having their skulls split, as a general thing."

    -Robert E. Howard
    Tower of the Elephant
  • CryogenCryogen Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    I'm with Werrick.

    You're setting yourself up for massive pain & disappointment. If she wanted to be with you she wouldnt have called it off. I, like Werrick, couldnt handle seeing a girl i still have feelings for start dating someone else.

    Cryogen on
  • UnderdogUnderdog Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Preacher wrote: »
    "She says, 'Can't we
    be still like see each other once in a while
    and have lunch or see a movie? Just to be friends?'
    I said 'Yeah, friends, I think I know what you mean.
    I've become some kind of emotional tampon
    that you need four or five days a month
    when no one else will take your fucking bullshit.
    But we don't fuck, right?
    Isn't that what friends is, we don't fuck, right?'"

    From the late great Sam Kinison. Let her go and move on with your life, to support what Werrick said if she truely loved you she wouldn't be leaving you. It's like duct tape you have to rip it off cleanly.

    That's funny because if it's true, are all the other voices that are telling him to just find another girl essentially telling him to slap on another strip of duct tape?

    Underdog on
  • IreneDAdlerIreneDAdler Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    No, the duct tape only refers to crazy psycho ho's, not women in general. Though using another person for rebound is kind of a bad idea.

    IreneDAdler on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • Seaborn111Seaborn111 Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    two rebounders who run into each other is like heaven, in sexual form.


    for reals.

    Seaborn111 on
    </bush>
    It's impossible for us to without a doubt prove the non-existence of God. We just have to take it on faith that he's imaginary..
  • ViolentChemistryViolentChemistry __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2007
    noobert wrote: »
    For the last 8 months she has been my EVERYTHING. The only good thing in life, i know now that i was a fool for feeling that way

    Please don't EVER EVER let this be the only thing you take away from a relationship. I know it's hard to not feel bitter/cynical/jaded right now, but you should never feel foolish for being completely emotionally invested. Yes, it's risky, but I'm basically a romantic, and I believe that being able to completely devote yourself to another person is a rare and precious trait.

    Nah, codependence is pretty common. Especially among kids who haven't dated much yet.

    ViolentChemistry on
  • GihgehlsGihgehls Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    My girlfriend told me the exact same stuff when she went off to college (not long distance). She said that she had always been in relationships and didn't know who she was as a person by herself. She had another boyfriend within two months.

    Gihgehls on
    PA-gihgehls-sig.jpg
  • noobertnoobert Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    So yeah...

    You guys are right, i had to cut all contact. May i never doubt the collective forum knowledge again.

    noobert on
  • IreneDAdlerIreneDAdler Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    noobert wrote: »
    So yeah...

    You guys are right, i had to cut all contact. May i never doubt the collective forum knowledge again.

    Well, I'm glad you were able to steel your resolve instead of allowing yourself to be a doormat for her whims. May you have better luck with your next lady :)

    IreneDAdler on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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