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I Don't Want To Have Sex With My Boyfriend

SailorHalifaxSailorHalifax Registered User new member
edited August 2007 in Help / Advice Forum
I've lurked here for awhile and really liked the advice a lot of you give, so, here goes!

My boyfriend and I are both 22, entering our senior year of university. We've been dating a year and a half and known each other for two years. He is my best friend in the entire world; we click on a mental level that I've never experienced with anyone except... well, my other best friend. I can tell him anything, we've supported each other through difficult times, we're never bored together, similar interests, fol-de-rol happycakes. It's like our minds are matching puzzle pieces for each other. I love him completely, and he says he feels the same way about me.

However. When we met, he was a virgin technically, although he had given and received oral sex. I had had a few sexual partners before him and was not a virgin. When we first started fooling around, his inexperience was painfully obvious. We learned what worked for each of us together (and that was kinda fun), but it was several months before he gave me an orgasm. As time went on, it became clear that while we're a great pair, we're a terrible match, sexually. It's not just a matter of technique or learning from the Kama Sutra, either; it's physically painful for me when we have sex (which has been infrequent for these reasons). He's simply too big. The few times we have actually had sex, neither of us get off, and I end up giving him a blowjob just so one of us has fun. I've started comparing him to my past partners, and the guilt from that is terrible. He doesn't seem to have a problem having an orgasm from oral or handjobs, but I'm starting to view sex as a chore, and I'd rather just spend the night cuddling.

Outside of the bedroom, like I said, we're a fantastic match. But, I love sex, and I know he would like to have a mind-blowing night of passion as much as I would. It's getting really frustrating, and I'm beginning to wonder if we should stay together as a couple. However, if love songs and Lifetime movies have taught me nothing, it's that this kind of connection with another person is pretty rare. I don't want to just throw that away if it's either this or great sex, mediocre person.

So, my question is, is it worth it to stick with him? Should we keep trying with the sexual stuff? Should we take a break and see if we can be friends, and then look for people we can actually have sex with? Should I just end it because it's gonna crash and burn without the sex?

SailorHalifax on

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    LondonBridgeLondonBridge __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2007
    This is because he is too big, right? Have you tried using extra lube possibly? He sounds like a great guy though no sex can kill a relationship quickly. I say don't give up, talk to your Gyno or another professional. I'm sure there are plenty of couples that have gone through this before.

    LondonBridge on
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    PreacherPreacher Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Sex is an important part of any relationship. If you and your boyfriend are not compatible sexually it may be in your best interest to find better partners for both of you. Especially if you feel that time and technique will not help.

    Preacher on
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    BroloBrolo Broseidon Lord of the BroceanRegistered User regular
    edited August 2007
    There's more to sex than just intercourse. As long as you're willing to do other things to accomodate each other sexually, couldn't you both still enjoy long nights of passion? It's not going to be quite the same, but you can still get each other off at least.

    EDIT: Also, welcome to the forums!

    Brolo on
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    ZonkytonkmanZonkytonkman Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    I probably wouldn't give up on sex completely just yet. Are you sure that you've tried all manner of lubes?

    Anyway, assuming that sex with each other is impossible, maybe it's worth while exploring an open relationship? It's certainly not for everyone, but some people make it work, and it sounds like you two really may need to have bedroom fun with others.

    Zonkytonkman on
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    IreneDAdlerIreneDAdler Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Yes, sex is an important part of a serious relationship, and you can often feel incomplete without a satisfying sex life, which you are already beginning to experience. HOWEVER, since you have such a deep emotional and personal connection with him already, it would be foolish of both of you to not try your utmost to overcome any difficulties in your sex life.

    Firstly, have you talked to him about this? Is he aware that he is hurting you? If you guys are going to have any chance at a good future together, you need to be able to talk openly about stuff like this. If he isn't, tell him that intercourse is physically painful for you, and thus he shouldn't expect to have intercourse with you unless you specifically tell him.

    It is also a little troubling that, while neither of you finds intercourse pleasurable, you end up giving him oral sex, but not the other way around. Sex shouldn't just be about getting his rocks off, it should be about mutual pleasure. It is selfish of him to never try to give you pleasure by means other than intercourse.

    Another thing, this may sound cliche, but try focusing on foreplay. You need time to relax and warm up. It may help for him to use his fingers a little first. Don't think about anything except feeling good. Worrying about whether he's enjoying himself would just make you less likely to enjoy yourself. You could also try masterbating to see what really gets you going, and then show him how to make you feel good.

    Comparing partners isn't completely a bad thing, depending on your attitude. It's not healthy to say, "Oh Jim was such a better lover than you." But you might be able to analyze Jim's performance and see if it provides a clue to how your current boyfriend could better pleasure you.

    Also, as LondonBridge suggested, see a gynecologist. Besides possibly helping you find solutions to your problem, they might also find out what else may be going on. Painful intercourse isn't always just due to size, it could be a sign of medical conditions.

    IreneDAdler on
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    SageinaRageSageinaRage Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Considering that the more I read about sex, the more I realize that traditional intercourse is the LEAST important part of a sexual relationship, I wouldn't call it too big a deal. Not orgasming from regular sex is fairly common among women, and apparently cunnilingus is much more effective.

    Now as far as being too large, I can't speak much to that - whether or not it's an insurmountable problem is up to you, and whether any kind of extra lube or anything else could help, I don't know.

    SageinaRage on
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    SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    'Too big' is one of those things that will sort of fade over time as people adjust. Lube and direction (too far, too far, etc.) can go a long way - being sexually honest is a far more intimate thing than just hanging out.

    Maybe its just karma for all the things in the relationship that came easy; now here's something you have to work on in order to make things work out the way they should.

    There does come a point though, where physical compatibility can become a deal breaker. If having a richer sex life is a trait you need in order to fill satisfied and fulfilled, then that's what you need. Otherwise your disasatisfaction is just going to spread like a poison into all the other things you treasure about your relationship. Bad sex is a Big Deal.

    I get the feeling though, that this is probably more than a girth issue. There is something not quite satisfying about buddy's nightmoves. Some people are just kinesthetically blind, having no real idea about how to move, what they should do, or how to read and adjust to the body and motions of another person. It's a talent, and like any other talent, some people are naturals and some people are just plain hacks.

    Often times people, perhaps such as yourself, see a moment or two of utter brillance on behalf of another. The point where they have tagged the right wave and the right motion, moment and bit of chemistry, the stars aligning in that instant to make them everything they could ever be- and still not be that good. It's unsettling to see that in another person. Because seriously, sometimes you just know how another person is going to be.

    You're not a bad person for deciding someone didn't make the cut sexually. And as deep and unshallow as you're told you should be, people are built the way they are built, and all the rationalization in the world won't change what you're attracted to or what you need. I would say you've already made your decision, you're just trying to find the kindest way to think about that to suit your self-image and to treat someone you deeply care about with respect. All signs of a good person. So don't worry about it, whatever you decide, I'm sure you'll do your best to be good to yourself and him as well.

    Sarcastro on
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    IreneDAdlerIreneDAdler Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Considering that the more I read about sex, the more I realize that traditional intercourse is the LEAST important part of a sexual relationship, I wouldn't call it too big a deal. Not orgasming from regular sex is fairly common among women, and apparently cunnilingus is much more effective.

    Yes, vaginal intercourse isn't the easiest way to orgasm, and there are many fun ways to have a sexual relationship, but there is an emotional importance to this activity as well. The OP clearly attaches great emotional significance to the ability to have pleasurable vaginal intercourse. Whether or not she is justified in such a belief is a matter of opinion, but I happen to agree that vaginal intercourse can provide a sensation of intimacy that is hard to duplicate through other forms of lovemaking. So you may or may not orgasm from the ol' in and out, but I believe that does not diminish the significance of pleasurable intercourse in regards to the emotional bond.

    Anyway, obviously sex isn't just about that, and I definitely agree that the OP could benefit from experimenting with other forms of lovemaking.

    P.S. Since you're more sexually experienced than he is, maybe you should take charge more often. Don't just lie there and let him do his jackhammer thing. Make him lie down (or tie him down ;-)) and cowgirl it up. Experiment with angles, depth, and speed, and see what works well for you. One thing is for sure, you need to be more forceful (I mean vocal, not S&M) with your bedroom needs.

    P.P.S. Be cautious with lube. Sure it'll help him slide in more easily, but if your muscles are too tense, it might just hurt more. I guess what I'm saying is, remember to relax.

    IreneDAdler on
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    witch_iewitch_ie Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Definitely talk to a gynecologist about your options. If nothing from there works, you might consider toys and other sorts of foreplay that could result in sexual satisfaction for both of you.

    witch_ie on
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    VeeveeVeevee WisconsinRegistered User regular
    edited August 2007
    This may sound a bit out there, but if sex with him is indeed impossible and you want to keep the relationship but you need your sex, you two could look into swinging or couple swapping. You can set guidelines that each partner has to follow (condoms required, only sex when the other is present or gives full consent, etc.) and if you both can be mature about it you can also strengthen a good relationship. However, a bad relationship will go south even quicker.

    Swinging isn't for everyone, but it shouldn't be thrown out as a possibility either.

    Veevee on
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    JohnnyCacheJohnnyCache Starting Defense Place at the tableRegistered User regular
    edited August 2007
    I know it is sort of a well duh but have you tried him on the bottom? So you can control the . . .ah...rate of impalement? (I'm assuming he's bottoming out, as it were, and girth isn't the issue...if it is, you might want to speak to a doctor...)

    JohnnyCache on
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    PheezerPheezer Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2007
    Veevee wrote: »
    This may sound a bit out there, but if sex with him is indeed impossible and you want to keep the relationship but you need your sex, you two could look into swinging or couple swapping. You can set guidelines that each partner has to follow (condoms required, only sex when the other is present or gives full consent, etc.) and if you both can be mature about it you can also strengthen a good relationship. However, a bad relationship will go south even quicker.

    Swinging isn't for everyone, but it shouldn't be thrown out as a possibility either.

    This is completely fucking shit advice and that's not even close to being debatable at this point. Unless the OP chimes in to say how she and he have always been very open and have had thoughts of that nature before, no one gets to repeat this advice.

    Pheezer on
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    supabeastsupabeast Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Now, just in case we’re all imagining the penis in question as being large but of not insane size, how big are we talking about? Also, is the issue length, or girth? If the issue is length and he’s smashing your cervix you might be in trouble—I knew a woman who never got used to that after over a decade of marriage and two kids. Girth, on the other hand, can be dealt with. With enough regular stretching, your vagina will get used to this. I’ve known some very small men and women who were in your situation, and with enough practice and lubrication, everything worked out fine.

    Something to keep in mind is that you can loosen yourself up first with toys that aren’t so big, and then bring him in at the end. You’ll probably also need to start having sex more often to loosen things up, but that’s not such a bad thing.

    supabeast on
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    TaximesTaximes Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    I would definitely say that you should try to improve your sex life rather than give up - like many others have said, plain old intercourse is not all there is to sex. Despite traditional thoughts and perceptions, it doesn't even have to be the most important part.

    I would start with oral sex, and see if you can't get him to do it the way you like. It sounds like that's something you've left unexplored (as far as your end of things). And, like everyone else has said, "too big" is something that goes away with time. My first girlfriend and I were both virgins, and my pinky finger was too big the first time.

    I'd say it's more than worth it to keep trying, but you obviously need some satisfaction - so, try the oral sex along with anything else that you might be into, and every so often, when you're turned on, try the intercourse again. Eventually you'll be going at it like rabbits. :P

    Heck, even if his member was record-breakingly large, you could still have a satisfying sex life if he was good with his hands, mouth, and any toys you might invest in. Don't let it get to you, just be open about it with him and help him help you.

    Taximes on
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    FellhandFellhand Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    You and he need to sit down and have a talk about this. If your goals or expectations are incompatible with each others' needs then I would actually recommend breaking up.

    And no, it's not "zomg breaking up over sex", but what I'm saying is that if he feels that he wants more sex and you're not willing to give it then your goals are not the same and that disparity will cause problems later. You both need to communicate your needs to each other and think about it objectively.

    Fellhand on
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    FallingmanFallingman Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    I think a little honesty goes a long way.

    An honest and frank discussion while showing a willingness to overcome this TOGETHER would put you both at ease and maybe even bring you closer. Stop making it weird and awkward and have some fun exploring new ways to be intimate with each other. There's a lot more to sex than just intercourse - and maybe there are things you can do to help. Toys, lubricant etc. I personally find it a real turn on when my girlfriend tells me what she likes. Maybe he's moving in ways that are uncomfortable to you.

    The great thing about sexual "problems" is that if you frame them in a positive light, and stop feeling like you're failing him or he's failing you - they can be all sorts of fun to try and work through! Have a bit of a sense of humour about it and plan some really nice romantic evenings.

    Fallingman on
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    Bionic MonkeyBionic Monkey Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2007
    My wife and I had a similar issue when we first started out. You didn't provide a great deal of detail about previous attempts/failures, so you may have tried these already, but make sure you use lots of extra lube, and for god's sake, make him take his time. Position yourself on top so you can go at your pace.

    I assume you've spoken with him about this, right? If he's as great a guy as you say, he'll do whatever it takes to make sure you enjoy the sex as much as he does.

    Bionic Monkey on
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    ArtereisArtereis Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Honestly, I suggest getting him to use his hands more. It's not the most obvious idea to a lot of guys, but the range of options is pretty significant, especially if his "stamina" in his tongue/jaw isn't the best. The only possible problem is that I don't know how well you two communicate while in the act, and sometimes it requires a fair amount of feedback so that he hits the right spots. If his ego can be bruised easily, there might be some frustration there.

    Artereis on
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    FawkesFawkes __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2007
    Also, remember that no man has ever become insecure for being told his penis is too big. At the moment - if you haven't talked this through honestly with him - he may well be thinking that he's crap in bed / can't satisfy you / you aren't sexually attracted to him. All of those are far more destructive psychologically than telling him that his cock = hurts. Tell him the truth, he's not going to slit his wrists about it (promise), and find a way to work it out.

    [And I'm assuming you have tried all the positions under the sun? Each one works better than others for different couples, and some provide more natural stretching for you than others]

    Fawkes on
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    Butterfly4uButterfly4u Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    I have had this problem as well with a few guys. Have you tried a lot of foreplay? And if you aren't really into the sex then you will be less likely to lube and stretch. I found that a lot of foreplay and doing the missionary position or him entering from behind in a spooning position worked the best. You need to start out slow as well. Using these suggestions I eventually was able to stretch enough to accomodate my bf. Now we can do the deed in any position we wish, and sex is mindblowing again. Also keep in mind even if a guy isn't a virgin you still have to train him to a certain extent, because every woman is different. At least you don't have to deal with him saying well my previous gf liked this.....

    Butterfly4u on
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    TrowizillaTrowizilla Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    You didn't mention if you'd talked about this with him outside the bedroom. If you haven't, go do so! If the problem is girth, he can help work you into it, and some smaller-than-him but a little larger than you're used to sex toys might help. The vagina is designed to allow a baby to get through, so issues of girth can almost always be worked around. If the problem is length and he's bashing your cervix (and I know how much that hurts, oww), there are positions that will limit how far he can thrust into you. Lying flat on your stomach with him on top of you might help, for one. Also, there are penis sleeves that he could put on that would provide him with sensation while leaving a shorter length for him to insert. Plus, everyone else has said it, but...lube lube lube!

    There's a medical condition called vaginismus that makes intercourse really hurt, and it can crop up even if you've had tons of non-painful sex before. From what I understand, it happens a lot when having something inserted hurts for whatever reason — not enough lubrication, an awkward angle, etc. — and after that, your body expects pain on insertion and clamps down, causing even more pain. I went through a very mild form of this with my boyfriend; lots and lots of foreplay, especially fingering, kind of re-trained me to not tense up, but again, it was very mild. Going to the gynecologist would probably be the best option for a more severe form.

    Actually, going to the gynecologist is a good idea anyway. Get him to come with you if you're at all comfortable; a good gynecologist will have advice for both of you.

    Trowizilla on
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    Durandal InfinityDurandal Infinity Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Im sort of a big guy myself and the fact my current girlfriend is chinese doesn't help in that matter. Personally I havnt been able to have sex without extra lubrication. Eros Bodyglide is my fav, KY, Astroglide and the rest are childs play. It is a high end silicone lubricant so it is very effective and it doesn't take alot to get it really slick. Apply to both of you and it really helps otherwise even entering I hurt her

    Durandal Infinity on
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    EliteLamerEliteLamer __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2007
    Veevee wrote: »
    This may sound a bit out there, but if sex with him is indeed impossible and you want to keep the relationship but you need your sex, you two could look into swinging or couple swapping. You can set guidelines that each partner has to follow (condoms required, only sex when the other is present or gives full consent, etc.) and if you both can be mature about it you can also strengthen a good relationship. However, a bad relationship will go south even quicker.

    Swinging isn't for everyone, but it shouldn't be thrown out as a possibility either.

    lol wtf..

    EliteLamer on
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    MC MysteryMC Mystery Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    I guess it's a joke only I like, but everytime a girl has ever expressed to me that her boyfriend has had a problem in intimacy that most girls wouldn't consider a problem (too big, too long to orgasm, ect) I've always made the joke that I'm not that way at all. (A friend of mine was bitching that her boyfriend takes hours to orgasm, I replied that if she ever wanted someone who came in seconds, I was the guy to call). This thread is begging for someone to claim to have a small penis.

    Seriously though, from my experience with this, I'm usually too big for girls (which makes me feel bad for some of friends, as I'm fairly average if not a little on the thick side, but I know guys who are down to their knees) the best bet is to just keep trying to the vagina becomes accustomed to it, with the help of lubes and things. Maybe try stretching it with your or his hands more, thats what worked for my ex and I, length still managed to be an issue, but by her just letting me know when too much was in we managed to work around that.

    MC Mystery on
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    Jedi KnightJedi Knight Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    From what you've said, I do think it's entirely possible for you to have a full and satisfying sexual relationship with this person. However, there are a few things you could do to facilitate the process, if you aren't doing so already.

    The most likely problem (I would guess) is that you are not sufficiently aroused before sex, and that you are attempting to have sex in a position that isn't comfortable. The vagina is stretchy, so that it won't tear during childbirth; it can probably accommodate your partner in some way. Extend your foreplay, and remember that sex isn't always about penetration. Shower together, read aloud to one another, prepare a candlelit dinner together, hold hands, lay side by side and embrace and caress each other. Enjoy the romance and don't rush the moment. If it's still uncomfortable, you might want to research and invest in a lubricant. (You may want to test a small amount first when you're alone, just to be sure you don't have any kind of a reaction to it.)

    During foreplay, try to focus on the pleasure you are experiencing, rather than anticipating discomfort; because I think, to some extent, your mental state may be distracting you and preventing you from getting over the first bad experience. It was his first time, and he probably wasn't as gentle as he should have been, but he may improve with practice.

    If his penis is too long, try experimenting with different positions that will prevent him from entering you fully (being punched in the cervix repeatedly is never comfortable). Spooning, laying on your stomach, or straddling him when he is laying on his back can help you control the depth. If the girth is the problem, try positions that force you to open your legs a bit more. These are very basic suggestions, but once you are more comfortable with each other, you'll be able to enjoy experimenting with others.

    Another thing you could certainly try would be to exercise, if you aren't already exercising every day. Exercise can give you more energy, improve flexibility, and boost your endorphin levels, and help you to feel more comfortable with your body.

    Oh, and keep in mind that communication is key. Let him know when you like something and when you don't. Being reasonably blunt without being insensitive isn't going to ruin the moment ("I don't like this, let's try something else.") You'll have to train him if he's going to get any better.

    You're fortunate to have an otherwise happy and fulfilling relationship -- I think this will probably work itself out, with time and patience.

    Jedi Knight on
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    Mr_GrinchMr_Grinch Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    I had the same problem with my girlfriend. I'm not stunningly large "down there" but I am rather girthy. If that's the issue then lube makes one helluva difference. Even when she's incredibly wet down there it's much MUCH easier with extra lube. I tried durex lube which I wouldnt recommend, classic KY however has been much better.

    I still have to take it incredibly slow at the moment and some nights it's just not happening, but we're patient and getting there :)

    Mr_Grinch on
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    SoonerManSoonerMan Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Sorry for hijacking the thread, but I'm curious about something.

    I was in a relationship of about a year plus and around the year mark my girlfriend said, "No more sex." The last time we had it was our one year anniversary and it was fantastic. Now I felt bad for doing it in the first place because she was pretty religious and I felt, "If its right its right. Sex is something reserved for those who connect on it and not necessarily reserved for marriage." She didn't feel the same way. So after we stopped having sex (we had been arguing some before during the time when we didn't have any sex) our relationship turned for the worse. She stopped doing almost anything sexual; blowjobs, handjobs, cunnilingus, or even fingering her. When we'd do it we enjoyed it and things were good. I have a high libido (which I guess is normal for being 17/18) and she did, too. She was almost ashamed of it, though, always saying no.

    It sucked but I was determined to keep it going. Finally, with no sex and lack of any attempt from her to try to spark our sex life I just had to end it.

    At first I thought, "I really think this comes down to sex" and not because thats all I saw her as. I just loved showing her that sort of love and affection. I felt really shallow for that though, however, not so much now. Can anyone help out here?

    Sorry again for hijacking.

    SoonerMan on
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    EclecticGrooveEclecticGroove Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    SoonerMan wrote: »
    Sorry for hijacking the thread, but I'm curious about something.

    I was in a relationship of about a year plus and around the year mark my girlfriend said, "No more sex." The last time we had it was our one year anniversary and it was fantastic. Now I felt bad for doing it in the first place because she was pretty religious and I felt, "If its right its right. Sex is something reserved for those who connect on it and not necessarily reserved for marriage." She didn't feel the same way. So after we stopped having sex (we had been arguing some before during the time when we didn't have any sex) our relationship turned for the worse. She stopped doing almost anything sexual; blowjobs, handjobs, cunnilingus, or even fingering her. When we'd do it we enjoyed it and things were good. I have a high libido (which I guess is normal for being 17/18) and she did, too. She was almost ashamed of it, though, always saying no.

    It sucked but I was determined to keep it going. Finally, with no sex and lack of any attempt from her to try to spark our sex life I just had to end it.

    At first I thought, "I really think this comes down to sex" and not because thats all I saw her as. I just loved showing her that sort of love and affection. I felt really shallow for that though, however, not so much now. Can anyone help out here?

    Sorry again for hijacking.


    I'll keep it short to not derail things.. but you shouldn't feel bad.

    Sex should not be the end all be all of a relationship... but when 2 people have wildly different views on sex (High libido no problems Vs. Ashamed and refuse to have sex), then a relationship won't work out well if that cannot be worked through.

    For someone in your age range especially, since most relationships at that age don't last long anyways... if things are not where you need them to be and there is no getting around it... then chances are you're better off moving on.

    EclecticGroove on
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    vonPoonBurGervonPoonBurGer Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    It is also a little troubling that, while neither of you finds intercourse pleasurable, you end up giving him oral sex, but not the other way around. Sex shouldn't just be about getting his rocks off, it should be about mutual pleasure. It is selfish of him to never try to give you pleasure by means other than intercourse.
    This. Seriously, is there something wrong with his tongue? I'm no Casanova, but I make sure I'm giving some kind of pleasure. I would even go so far as to say that perhaps if he were a little less stingy with the oral, you might have fewer problems accommodating his size. Having an orgasm before he enters will ensure muscles are relaxed and everything is well-lubricated. It may not solve the problem, but at least you'll have fun trying.

    vonPoonBurGer on
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    thundercakethundercake Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    My fiance and I have a similar problem. He's too big. It's gotten better over the years with lube (which I think he might view as an insult, but I'm working on that) and normal stretching, and it got even better when I started doing kegals every night. Anyway, you aren't ever limited to just sex in bed...anything that works really. And don't worry! It's totally normal for women not to get off during normal intercourse. When I found that out, I was so relieved. Only about 13% of women actually get regular orgasms through sex.

    Sex is not the most important part of a relationship, in my opinion. There are workarounds for every problem and it's not worth throwing away someone you have a genuine connection with just because he has trouble getting your rocks off. I suggest maybe seeing a sex counselor...it might be a little embarassing but it might help. Best to be frank with him. Besides, I can't imagine a guy getting too offended over "you're just so big!" =P

    thundercake on
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    EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited August 2007
    The OP hasn't even posted again, but the argument that a guy is "too big" is probably simply a matter of lack of foreplay or lack of practice. A small penis can hurt a vagina for a woman who isn't all that into sex, and the OP's problem is likely compounding itself -- her fear of sex with the guy simply makes it worse each time.

    But there's no point offering more advice when she hasn't responded about if she's tried even basic things to remedy it, other than "giving up."

    EggyToast on
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    widowsonwidowson Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    SoonerMan wrote: »
    Sorry for hijacking the thread, but I'm curious about something.

    I was in a relationship of about a year plus and around the year mark my girlfriend said, "No more sex." The last time we had it was our one year anniversary and it was fantastic. Now I felt bad for doing it in the first place because she was pretty religious and I felt, "If its right its right. Sex is something reserved for those who connect on it and not necessarily reserved for marriage." She didn't feel the same way. So after we stopped having sex (we had been arguing some before during the time when we didn't have any sex) our relationship turned for the worse. She stopped doing almost anything sexual; blowjobs, handjobs, cunnilingus, or even fingering her. When we'd do it we enjoyed it and things were good. I have a high libido (which I guess is normal for being 17/18) and she did, too. She was almost ashamed of it, though, always saying no.

    It sucked but I was determined to keep it going. Finally, with no sex and lack of any attempt from her to try to spark our sex life I just had to end it.

    At first I thought, "I really think this comes down to sex" and not because thats all I saw her as. I just loved showing her that sort of love and affection. I felt really shallow for that though, however, not so much now. Can anyone help out here?

    Sorry again for hijacking.


    You did the right thing, but please consider this.

    A question I was asked during marriage counselling was "What if your wife was in a car accident and you couldn't have sex? Would you still be with her?"

    His point was that love has been way too sexualized, that the two are felt to be inexorably linked when they're not; there has to be something more than the animalistic urge because that *always* fades over time.

    Ever see any hot 70 year olds? :P

    In you instance, you take away sex, what else bonded you together?

    Ask yourself that because I feel that true love sometimes involves putting someone elses needs ahead of your own.

    widowson on
    -I owe nothing to Women's Lib.

    Margaret Thatcher
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    Mr_GrinchMr_Grinch Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    EggyToast wrote: »
    The OP hasn't even posted again, but the argument that a guy is "too big" is probably simply a matter of lack of foreplay or lack of practice.

    Trust me, it doesn't have to be the above. I am neither lacking in practice nor lacking in the provision of foreplay. Even VERY well lubricated (naturally) after a good amount of time, it's still difficult for my girlfriend and I. Some people do just have extrememly tight vaginas, other people can have "girthy" cocks.

    Mr_Grinch on
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