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"You make such a great couple!"

ege02ege02 __BANNED USERS regular
edited August 2007 in Help / Advice Forum
Alright, so I have this friend named Ashley.

There is nothing romantic or sexual between us. We're just really good friends.

--

The problem - and it may not even be a problem, I don't know - is that, apparently, we look like a great couple.

Incident 1: We went to one of Ashley's friend's theater shows. Ashley's friend's sister and her boyfriend were there. They were talking, and apparently when I went to the bathroom, the sister asked Ashley where she met me and remarked how great we look together.

Incident 2: We were at happy hour with a bunch of friends. There were four of us and we were eating/drinking and laughing about stuff. This guy comes up to us -- some Jamaican dude in his late 50s, who is apparently a regular there -- and starts chatting us up. He's pretty cool. At some point he starts talking about his marriage and his wife/kids, and turns to me and, pointing at Ashley, asks, "Hey boy, you takin' good care of her, right?" This is despite the fact that we are sitting at opposite corners of a square table.

Incident 3: I met up with Ashley after she left work one day and we went shopping for sunglasses. As she was trying on various brands, I was telling her my opinions. She hated my opinions. Always went for pairs of glasses that looked shitty and I was teasing her about it and we were laughing around. I decided we needed a third opinion, so I turn to the clerk lady -- in her 40s -- what she thought. She was apparently listening to us, and she turns to Ashley and says, "don't listen to your boyfriend. Go with what you like best."

--

And there are quite a few other stuff like this. I personally always get teased by my male friends about "Ashley, Ege's Secret Girlfriend" (they know Ashley too).

I guess I'm kind of worried that all of this will eventually get to her head and she will make up her mind that she wants me as her boyfriend. She has been casually dating a guy for about a month (the guy is a pretty cool dude), but she hinted at me that she is losing interest in him already. I don't know if this is because of me or what.

We always exchange stories about our dating endeavors (we are each other's confidantes, basically), and she always becomes a little jealous when I tell her about the girls I date. I'll be like, "I met this girl in one of my classes, she's pretty cool" and she'll be like, "oh yeah?" and she'll get a misty-eyed look in her face and start staring into the distance.

Le Sigh.

I don't want things to ever come to a point where she becomes convinced that she wants to date me, because I'm pretty sure she is not my type as a girlfriend and it would never work out between us.

What can I do?

tldr; one of my good female friends is becoming attracted to me, thanks to random remarks by other people about how we make such a great couple. How can I avoid awkwardness?

ege02 on
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    aesiraesir __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2007
    Stay the course.

    aesir on
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    ege02ege02 __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2007
    I don't even know what you mean by that.

    ege02 on
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    JohnnyCacheJohnnyCache Starting Defense Place at the tableRegistered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Start dressing like incenjucar, that should kill it before it grows.

    But srsly.

    You can't do anything but be honest with her at all times and weather any potential awkwardness good naturedly.

    (provided that is that you don't want to just distance yourself from her a bit)

    JohnnyCache on
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    FirstComradeStalinFirstComradeStalin Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    You can't do anything but be honest with her at all times and weather any potential awkwardness good naturedly.

    I'm trying to quit liming, so there you go.

    FirstComradeStalin on
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    DaedalusDaedalus Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    What is with this friend zone bullshit? Why wouldn't you do well in a boyfriend/girlfriend or otherwise sexual relationship with her? Examine those reasons first; don't just throw opportunities away because "she's my friend and the TV told me that that might be awkward or something".

    Daedalus on
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    The CatThe Cat Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2007
    Sure you're not reading too much into her reactions? because I think you are.

    The Cat on
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    Chief1138Chief1138 Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    It sounds kind of arrogant of you to make such an assumption based on a couple of isolated incidents/situations. In any case it's best to just remain honest with her, though it sounds like she is the one who should be making the thread if your hunch is at all accurate...

    Chief1138 on
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    ZsetrekZsetrek Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Not to sound too interrogative... but are you not honestly not attracted to her, or is your relationship an ego thing (ie. you like her, but think you can do better and/or the idea of an unrequited female lover is an ego boost)? Or have you just never seriously thought about a relationship with her before? Oftentimes, feelings of "friendship" like that are a useful social mask for something more complicated. I'd think long and hard about your relationship with this girl before I do anything rash like confronting her about feelings that may or may not be an invention of your brain.

    Stay the course. Be honest if she brings up an attraction to you, but don't make trouble for yourself by being a smartass and trying to pre-empt her.

    If you do think you're using her for the ego effect (we've all done it) then you really need to start trying to be a better friend by not stringing her along.

    Zsetrek on
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    Mr. PokeylopeMr. Pokeylope Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    I'm confused why you think other people thinking you make a great couple = her being attracted or wanting to date you.

    If your not interested in dating her don't worry about it. If something happens then talk to her about it. Enjoy your friendship otherwise.

    Mr. Pokeylope on
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    aesiraesir __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2007
    ege02 wrote: »
    I don't even know what you mean by that.



    i meant keep acting normal. Dont do anything like tell her out of the blue that you and her just couldn't have a relationship and should stay friends

    aesir on
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    IrohIroh Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Yeah, if you don't initiate anything, it probably won't go any further. The worst thing you can do is say something to her about it, because then there's no question that you'll lose a friend really fast.

    Iroh on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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    gtrmpgtrmp Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    If the stuff you mentioned in the OP is the greatest extent of her showing her having a thing for you, you're probably reading way too much into it. It's possible that some of the inflections that you're interpreting as 'she has a thing for me' are really a result of her thinking 'oh no, he has a thing for me', especially if you've been unconsciously acting differently lately because you think she does have a thing for you.

    gtrmp on
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    ege02ege02 __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2007
    Not to be braggy, but I'm pretty damn good at reading people when it comes to stuff like this. So for all intents and purposes, I'm sure she is becoming attracted to me. This has also been hinted at by several of her girl friends (one was me overhearing a conversation, the other was a certain remark made in my presence that made Ashley blush - although I pretended I didn't hear it).

    It's not an ego thing. I don't get my sense of validation from whether girls like me or not. I couldn't care less.

    She is a friend, and I don't want to hurt her by rejecting her. So I'd like to make sure things never reach that stage. Kind of silly, but whatever.

    --

    As for the friend zone thing, no, TV isn't telling me to "friend-zone" her. I'm very well aware that dating friends isn't a bad thing, thank you.

    The reason I'm skeptical about dating her is because, like I said, it would never work out. While she's very attractive and fun to be around, she has some qualities that I know from past experience would make the relationship terrible. The foremost among these is that she's traditional in a sense that she plays into the whole gender roles crap; she expects guys to do the asking out, she expects guys to pay for her for dates, she expects guys to make all the moves, etc. etc. she expects to be treated like a princess, basically. I can't deal with girls like that. There are other things, but they matter to a lesser extent at this point.

    ege02 on
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    Al_watAl_wat Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    These situations can either be great or suck.

    So you're sure you wouldn't want to give it a shot with her eh?

    If your intuition about her is correct, then the only outcome I can predict is that she is going to have to be shot down by you or just come to terms with her feelings herself, as a result of you clearly not feeling the same way about her.

    Al_wat on
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    gtrmpgtrmp Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    If you really are sure, your only options are "ignore it and hope that she gets over it" and "confront her and almost certainly make things worse". Trying to play it both ways will only send her mixed signals and fuck things up. The only reason to say anything about it to her (or to anyone who would tell her what you said about it) is if you have absolutely no other choice, and if that happens, you're probably fucked regardless.

    gtrmp on
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    vytroxvytrox Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    I was in a similar situation where a friend of mine told me she had feelings for me.

    It was horrible. But yeah I had to shoot her down (as nicely as possible of course). Things were awkward for a while but we are still friends. I'm pretty sure she has gotten over it.

    Maintain your boundaries and don't act weird. Don't over analyze her actions. If she does something that crosses the line tell her.

    You can rush out and get a girlfriend, which will work (for awhile at least), but is still generally a bad idea, since your friend will resent the new girl, and she may think that there is still a chance if things don't work out with the girlfriend.

    vytrox on
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    AftyAfty Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    There is no reason that if she actively expresses an interest in you that you all of a sudden have to stop being friends.

    Good friendships can sometimes feel almost like a relationship if the 2 people are very close i have female friends who i care about as much as my girlfriend. It just a different type of relationship.

    Personally i wouldn't change anything until she makes a move, she might never. If she does just don't be a jerk and tell her that you care about her a lot just not in that way. Alternatively i supposes you could tell one of her friends that you only like her as a friend but this might lead to her feeling worse around you than if you face to face it out.

    Good luck

    Afty on
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    EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited August 2007
    She may also be showing signs of jealousy due to what you pointed out about her being a "traditional girl." If you're doing things that make her think "aww that's nice, I wish that happened to me," and those are the things that guys are not doing for her, she may be jealous at the action itself. Kind of like a girl becoming misty eyed at a chick-flick, not because she's actually sad but because she sees something that she wished happened to her.

    I think the "stay the course" comment is probably the most accurate. If you try to address the subject, she's either going to assume that you're actually into her, and it's going to get worse, or she's going to think that you find her unattractive and she'll not want to be so much a friend anymore. If you simply don't worry about it, the likelihood that she'll act on any feelings she may have will probably diminish, and either it'll work itself out or she'll actually develop feelings for you. I think trying to change it forcefully, when nothing has actually happened yet, would just lead to messy drama.

    EggyToast on
    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
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    SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    ege02 wrote: »
    The reason I'm skeptical about dating her is because, like I said, it would never work out. While she's very attractive and fun to be around, she has some qualities that I know from past experience would make the relationship terrible. The foremost among these is that she's traditional in a sense that she plays into the whole gender roles crap; she expects guys to do the asking out, she expects guys to pay for her for dates, she expects guys to make all the moves, etc. etc. she expects to be treated like a princess, basically. I can't deal with girls like that. There are other things, but they matter to a lesser extent at this point.

    Aren't you being a little um... (dontsayretardeddontsayretarded) premature here?

    It's seems you two already have a relationship of sorts, and you seem to do fairly well with it. Why would you assume the roles will change with a snap of the fingers? Wouldn't it just deepen the relationship you already have? You can explore a relationship without assuming a certain role just because you've decided you want to give things a go. It sounds as though you're just guilty of the same things you're accusing her of: that you would have to change and fit a certain role, a certain picture and that you would expect to be treated in a certain way - that you can't just be you and still have a relationship at that level at the same time.

    What is that? Grow some stones. Nothing says you can't be who you want and see if things won't work out with you being the way you want to be. Maybe she likes you because she's tired of being put in that place, that role expectation, and likes being treated like a real person instead of a love object. I mean really, there's no reason you can't stand your ground and still reach out to someone. Well, I suppose there are reasons, but they all involve low self-esteem and using certain behaiviors to manipulate people's feelings about you. I tend to think those aren't very good reasons, but ymmv.

    Sarcastro on
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    CasketCasket __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2007
    Ege has never been stay the course. If the girl has been getting increasingly attracted to him while inversely losing interest in the other guy she was dating then it's because eges been leading her on. Just pull out dude.

    Casket on
    casketiisigih1.png
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    variantvariant Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Looks like it's getting to your head and not hers...
    and if it's not, why worry, if she does come around, you can still choose to remains friends.

    variant on
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    EverywhereasignEverywhereasign Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Is there something wrong with just being open and honest? Talk about how people keep thinking you two are a couple and see what her thoughts are. At the same time you can let her know that; you value her so much as a friend, and always appreciate her dating advice, you love taking with her on the phone about your girl problems, she's great to hang out with etc.

    If she really is thinking about changing your relationship, an open conversation can stop things from becoming awkward and resulting in you two not being able to hang out anymore.

    Everywhereasign on
    "What are you dense? Are you retarded or something? Who the hell do you think I am? I'm the goddamn Batman!"
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    oncelingonceling Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    If she expects the guy to do all the asking out (one of your main reasons for 'pre-rejecting her'), and you never ask her out, I can't see why there would ever be a problem.

    However, I'm going to go against the grain with some of the above posts and say that you shouldn't even give it another thought. I don't mean this in a rude way, but if you're just friends and you've already overanalysed why you don't want to be with her, she's probably better off with someone that's really into her.

    In terms of making sure she's clear (without a big awkward scene) that she can't date you there's lots you can do, but I don't really think many/any of them are very mature. You're probably better off making clear comments without making a big deal of it.

    When I've been in this situation before (as the girl) there have been opportunities in friendly discussion to understand what the guy was looking for in a girl, what they were attracted to, and what they gained from the friendship and I was lucky enough to be friends with some great guys who gave clear friendly discussion that made it clear I wasn't in the ballpark. This was without having to 'sit down and have a talk about it' which would have made me feel belittled and (esp. if I had never mentioned it) like the guy had an overinflated ego.

    Enjoy the friendship and respect it enough not to make things awkward.

    onceling on
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    Seattle ThreadSeattle Thread Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    The Cat wrote: »
    Sure you're not reading too much into her reactions? because I think you are.
    Agreed. There's not much you can do until she comes out and says that she wants to date you. Anything up until that point is just speculation.

    Seattle Thread on
    kofz2amsvqm3.png
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    Mithrandir86Mithrandir86 Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    A friend of mine had the same 'problem'.

    So they had one awkward, drunken sexual encounter, of which they promised each other that they would not tell any of their mutual friends. He told me twenty minutes later.

    They don't talk any more. Problem solved.

    Mithrandir86 on
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    Al_watAl_wat Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    A friend of mine had the same 'problem'.

    So they had one awkward, drunken sexual encounter, of which they promised each other that they would not tell any of their mutual friends. He told me twenty minutes later.

    They don't talk any more. Problem solved.

    Hmm. Maybe what ege needs is sex to save the friendship.

    Seriously though this isn't a Seinfeld episode I don't think that would work.

    Al_wat on
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    Mithrandir86Mithrandir86 Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    And actually, to be completely honest, YOU ARE reading in to these things too much.

    Chances are, most likely, that she has NO idea how she feels. She probably does not have it all figured out in her head right now... remember, women feel the gammut of emotions all the time. Only the craziest of women have all of their emotions focused (stay away from them).

    "Does he like me?" "Should I like him" "DO I like him?" "He's a great friend?" "I don't think I like him." "I think I might like him."

    However, if she's as traditional as you say, then you really do not have to worry about it.

    Mithrandir86 on
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    Mithrandir86Mithrandir86 Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Al_wat wrote: »
    A friend of mine had the same 'problem'.

    So they had one awkward, drunken sexual encounter, of which they promised each other that they would not tell any of their mutual friends. He told me twenty minutes later.

    They don't talk any more. Problem solved.

    Hmm. Maybe what ege needs is sex to save the friendship.

    Seriously though this isn't a Seinfeld episode I don't think that would work.

    Actually, it killed their friendship pretty damn fast. Sex fucks up friendships, even if it is pretty good. In this case it was really terrible and embarrassing. For him.

    Of course, dating your friends is awesome, as there is no "getting to each other" period, you (presumably) like the same things, you get along, etc. It can be really awkward getting from point friend to point girlfriend, especially since often times one of you likes the other one more at any given point. Breaking up with your friend is really hard, because you have the same friends, and the breakups are often nasty.

    My girlfriend right now used to call me her best friend. It has turned out really, really well. We're pretty happy. We were thought of as a couple before we were dating too.

    My best friend right is also female, though our relationship is purely platonic - we feel more like brother and sister than we otherwise. That doesn't stop the girlfriend from feeling jealous.

    Mithrandir86 on
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    ege02ege02 __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2007
    And actually, to be completely honest, YOU ARE reading in to these things too much.

    Did I not make myself clear about this?

    ege02 on
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    Seattle ThreadSeattle Thread Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    ege02 wrote: »
    And actually, to be completely honest, YOU ARE reading in to these things too much.

    Did I not make myself clear about this?
    All we've got to go in is the info in your OP, and honestly those "telltale" signs that she fancies you are nothing. Or, at the very best, a "maybe." Again, there's nothing you can do unless she takes that step, and in the meantime your over-analysis is going to drive a wedge into the friendship.

    Seattle Thread on
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    A-RodA-Rod Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Dont flirt with her, and dont start acting differently around her. You will avoid any and all awkwardness that way.

    If she is expecting you to make a move, and you're not into her then you have nothing to worry about. Just because other people say you make a great couple doesn't mean anything. If that was true I would be dating at least 2 of my friends right now, even though theres no sexual spark between either of them

    A-Rod on
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    anableanable North TexasRegistered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Makershot wrote: »
    ege02 wrote: »
    And actually, to be completely honest, YOU ARE reading in to these things too much.

    Did I not make myself clear about this?
    All we've got to go in is the info in your OP, and honestly those "telltale" signs that she fancies you are nothing. Or, at the very best, a "maybe." Again, there's nothing you can do unless she takes that step, and in the meantime your over-analysis is going to drive a wedge into the friendship.

    Reading threads is fun!

    anable on
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    Mithrandir86Mithrandir86 Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    anable wrote: »
    Makershot wrote: »
    ege02 wrote: »
    And actually, to be completely honest, YOU ARE reading in to these things too much.

    Did I not make myself clear about this?
    All we've got to go in is the info in your OP, and honestly those "telltale" signs that she fancies you are nothing. Or, at the very best, a "maybe." Again, there's nothing you can do unless she takes that step, and in the meantime your over-analysis is going to drive a wedge into the friendship.

    Reading threads is fun!

    I read that post too. I still stand by what I said.

    Mithrandir86 on
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    MedopineMedopine __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2007
    Adopt the "wait and see" approach. Don't pre-empt, because there's a chance you could be wrong and will just ruin things that way. You can read people all you want but in the end you're not in their head, and as someone else said even SHE might not know how she really feels about you.

    Just wait and see.

    Medopine on
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    Seattle ThreadSeattle Thread Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    anable wrote: »
    Makershot wrote: »
    ege02 wrote: »
    And actually, to be completely honest, YOU ARE reading in to these things too much.

    Did I not make myself clear about this?
    All we've got to go in is the info in your OP, and honestly those "telltale" signs that she fancies you are nothing. Or, at the very best, a "maybe." Again, there's nothing you can do unless she takes that step, and in the meantime your over-analysis is going to drive a wedge into the friendship.

    Reading threads is fun!
    I read that. It still doesn't change anything.

    If she really were into you, she would have said something by now. If she ever gets to that point where she will say something, then the friendship is done with anyways--she ain't going to want to be "just friends" no matter how nicely you let her down.

    Seattle Thread on
    kofz2amsvqm3.png
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    ege02ege02 __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2007
    Makershot wrote: »
    anable wrote: »
    Makershot wrote: »
    ege02 wrote: »
    And actually, to be completely honest, YOU ARE reading in to these things too much.

    Did I not make myself clear about this?
    All we've got to go in is the info in your OP, and honestly those "telltale" signs that she fancies you are nothing. Or, at the very best, a "maybe." Again, there's nothing you can do unless she takes that step, and in the meantime your over-analysis is going to drive a wedge into the friendship.

    Reading threads is fun!
    I read that. It still doesn't change anything.

    If she really were into you, she would have said something by now. If she ever gets to that point where she will say something, then the friendship is done with anyways--she ain't going to want to be "just friends" no matter how nicely you let her down.

    That is what I meant by "traditional". She would never, ever tell a guy that she likes him. She is the type of person that will wait until the guy asks her out.

    Anyway, thanks for the advice. I'm done here.

    Mods, lock this please.

    ege02 on
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    Seaborn111Seaborn111 Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    for this, i'll take a page from Young MC


    Bust a move.

    Try it out. fuck it, if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out. People who are afraid to become closer because the "tier" they're on is good are wasting their short life.

    Seaborn111 on
    </bush>
    It's impossible for us to without a doubt prove the non-existence of God. We just have to take it on faith that he's imaginary..
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    DrezDrez Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    ege02 wrote: »
    And actually, to be completely honest, YOU ARE reading in to these things too much.

    Did I not make myself clear about this?

    No offense but "take my word for it, these incidents mean what I say they mean" doesn't mean much of anything to an outsider trying to give you advice. If you want advice from that perspective, fine, but then you shouldn't have provided the anecdotes which do not, to me and others, count as any kind of evidence.

    Sorry to be blunt, but third parties saying that you two make a cute couple doesn't mean either of you have to feel that way. YOU obviously don't. Hell, people in college thought my best female friend was my wife and neither of us had any romantic ties to each other. It's just misobservation, if that's a word.

    Drez on
    Switch: SW-7690-2320-9238Steam/PSN/Xbox: Drezdar
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    PheezerPheezer Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2007
    What are you looking for here

    What is this thread about

    Are you looking for a pat on the back? Do you want us to tell you to go for it? Seriously, what

    I get the sense that the most satisfying course of action for you at this point will be to just go ahead and ask her if she wants to date or what and who knows if she's interested I honestly think you're seeing what you want to see here.

    Pheezer on
    IT'S GOT ME REACHING IN MY POCKET IT'S GOT ME FORKING OVER CASH
    CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
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    AydrAydr Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Seaborn111 wrote: »
    for this, i'll take a page from Young MC


    Bust a move.

    Try it out. fuck it, if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out. People who are afraid to become closer because the "tier" they're on is good are wasting their short life.

    Ok, there's way too many posts like this in this thread. It's entirely possible to be good friends with a girl without wanting to date her. Just because some of you may only think with your penises doesn't mean everyone else does. Or do bisexuals never have any real friendships in their lives, because all they want to do is date the person they're talking to? There is such a thing as friendship without sexual interest. If you aren't interested in a relationship, don't have one, and if you'd rather stay friends, stay friends. There are reasons not to change a friendship other than fear.

    Wait and see is the best approach here for saving the friendship. Awkwardness will fade if the friendship can be saved. Just act like yourself, and don't change or say anything unless she says something to you. Plus, if the others are right and you're just reading too deep, it's a lot less embarrassing than if you bought it up and she just gives you a blank confused stare.

    Aydr on
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