Confused

Valithel

I just got back from meeting my ex, she was in the city park because she'd been out drinking last night, and didn't have anywhere else to go. She's underage and I know she's been drinking for awhile, though not while we were together. Last night I guess she crashed really bad, crying and screaming at everything, and I got a text from her at around 11, she was really in a bad way I guess and I tried to comfort her the best I could. It was a bit awkward for me, I didn't know if it was appropriate or not since we're not seeing each other.

I didn't hear from her again until around 7 this morning, she said she'd brushed her teeth at the park and had been up all night. I thought something had happened so I drove out to see her. Thankfully she was fine, just kind of sick from the drink. She told me about her night; going to a party at some guy's house, staying up until 6, and I guess she'd spent the night in her car with some guy.

He was drunk, she said he tried to kiss her but she stopped him, and she told me they'd kissed before. I felt a little sad and confused that she told me that, it doesn't really make sense to me. I was really uncomfortable at this point, of course.

She asked me what was wrong, I thought it was obvious, but I didn't really say anything. We picked up her friend from another weird guy's house and they had breakfast, then I came home and wrote this up. I'm just confused as to why she did the things she did, and a little hurt that she would "involve" me, I don't know if thats the right word to use?

AbsoluteHero

Wait wait, your friend lives in a park?

Valithel

She was in the park because she didn't have anywhere else to go, she lives at home with her family but apparently she'd done that hooky thing where you say you're going to sleep at a friends house and the friend says they're sleeping at your house kind of thing.

Kyanilis

Its obvious to me that she was dragging you into it because she's comfortable around you. You were the friend she could count on to talk to. You said she is an ex? Well simply put she seems to think that she can do whatever she wants but she knows you still care about her and will be willing to comfort her when she needs it.

Seems to me she's using you, more or less.

IreneDAdler

Kyanilis wrote: »

Seems to me she's using you, more or less.

Meh, that could be more or less true. To me, using someone implies purposefully and consistently taking more than you give. She seems to be going through a rough patch, and needs a shoulder to cry on, which is not totally unreasonable. What the OP has to decide is, is he willing to provide that kind of support for her? Maybe it'd be going above and beyond what should be expected of him, but would it really be that bad to take a hit and be there for her in the capacity of a friend? But of course, it's playing pretty close to the fire, besides the fact that he seems uncomfortable with this. As long as he only gives what he is comfortable with giving, I don't see why he shouldn't be a good guy here, instead of leaving her alone. If he does decide to indulge the girl a little bit, though, he should set his personal boundaries and stick to them, because some people will start taking advantage of people who are naturally giving.

Kyanilis

This situation occurs way too often. Simply put she does need someone's shoulder to cry on, and that's what she's using him for. Its perfectly normal to want to be there for someone you care about, but I can't help but think that she's taking advantage of that. If she truly cared about how he felt she wouldn't of went on about the things she had done with the other guy, or probably wouldn't of done it in the first place.

I do like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but if this was just out of the blue I'd be wary, if she actually wants to hang out with the OP on a regular basis and be friends, then yeah, it would make more sense that she cares about the friendship. The way it sounds though is that its the former.

Bionic Monkey

I'd say there's really just not enough information to make that call right now. OP, if you're willing to be a friend for this girl despite your history, feel free, but do so with open eyes, and only as much as you're confortable with. Keep Kyanilis's advice on the back of your mind though, and just be aware that she might be using you because you're comfortable to her, not that she cares about the friendship.

Valithel

Thank you all, I needed some perspective on this. It was a little unnerving for me, I'll try to tell her that I don't think she needs alcohol to help her when she gets so sad.

Her comment about the guy she'd been with probably wouldn't have bothered me so much if I had a girl, but right now that doesn't seem like a good reason to be with someone. (Also I think the guy is a stupid dick, heh)

I'll do what Irene said, setting those personal boundaries, I don't want to get too close to her again, but if she feels she is breaking down I want to be able to help if I can, though I usually make things worse, it's truly amazing, it should be my job for how good I am at it.

What I'm concerned about now is this becoming habitual, I don't want her to get hurt. Especially if she uses drugs to alleviate this stuff. I'm not exactly an activist against drug use, but I hate to think that she might feel she needs to use it to feel happy or content.