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Am I just a douchebag...? (girl thread)
Rend
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3 months, today (yes, I've called her this morning to wish her a happy 3-month occasion). And I'm beginning to feel a bit off about it. Allow me to explain.
My life is busy. I mean, BUSY. I'm on PA all the time, but that's because myjob allows me to be spending an inordinate amount of time doing pretty much whatever i want on the computer, as long as I am available to help students in the library to use the machines. But all my days are basically taken up from 6 in the morning to 5-7 at night (depending on the night).
I also have a lot of activities I participate in. I play D&D alot (mostly dungeon master), 3 nights per week. Also, homework, blah blah.
Considering we're both students, this seems reasonable. I have time to call her every day (unless homework bogs me down one day, which rarely happens), I have time to spend with her on the weekends, alot, since my job and school typically do not take those hours (except a notable D&D session, saturday night from 9-12), and between work and D&D (which is normally between 5 and 9), as well as after D&D (though that is typically only an hour or so in length).
Also, it should be noted that she wants to play D&D in one of the groups, and I plan to get her in on that in the near future, if not immediately.
Considering two non-married students in a serious relationship, this seems to me like a good amount of time. I have to work around school and work, and pretty much the only time I spend with ANYONE other than her or a professor is those D&D sessions (thats how I've been balancing out hanging with her and hanging with my other friends, and each night is a completely seperate group of friends).
Now, friends, for the problem:
She doesn't have a whole lot of friends, never has. I have done everything I could to get her as a normal member of my circle, and I have succeeded largely, though she still has alot of anxiety about social situations. The amount of time she has available is every day from thursday to sunday, all day, including wednesday night and monday early morning. This, in itself, would not be bad, except that spending time with me is one of very few activities she does.
Her schedule is as such:
School from 10 to 4 on monday and wednesday.
...
thats it. no clubs, she plays a bit of video games, but not much anymore. No friends to hang out with.
Thats all.
She's great, and I love spending time with her, but I can't just neglect all of my other friends and obligations to spend time with her every second... can I? It's not a huge relationship issue, not at the moment, anyway, and I doubt it will become one, but all her waiting to come see me for when there's time, and when I've got a D&D game to play with my friends, kind of makes me feel like I'm not paying her enough attention.
I really try, honestly, I do, and I don't ignore her if I've got the time to talk to her. Its just that she has so much more time than I do, and I feel like I'm the only one she has to spend the time with.
Am I being a douchebag? Should I free up more time for her than the entire weekend and the bits and pieces of weekdays that I can assemble? I think I'm handling the situation alright, but I still feel bad about it.
My life is busy. I mean, BUSY. I'm on PA all the time, but that's because myjob allows me to be spending an inordinate amount of time doing pretty much whatever i want on the computer, as long as I am available to help students in the library to use the machines. But all my days are basically taken up from 6 in the morning to 5-7 at night (depending on the night).
I also have a lot of activities I participate in. I play D&D alot (mostly dungeon master), 3 nights per week. Also, homework, blah blah.
Considering we're both students, this seems reasonable. I have time to call her every day (unless homework bogs me down one day, which rarely happens), I have time to spend with her on the weekends, alot, since my job and school typically do not take those hours (except a notable D&D session, saturday night from 9-12), and between work and D&D (which is normally between 5 and 9), as well as after D&D (though that is typically only an hour or so in length).
Also, it should be noted that she wants to play D&D in one of the groups, and I plan to get her in on that in the near future, if not immediately.
Considering two non-married students in a serious relationship, this seems to me like a good amount of time. I have to work around school and work, and pretty much the only time I spend with ANYONE other than her or a professor is those D&D sessions (thats how I've been balancing out hanging with her and hanging with my other friends, and each night is a completely seperate group of friends).
Now, friends, for the problem:
She doesn't have a whole lot of friends, never has. I have done everything I could to get her as a normal member of my circle, and I have succeeded largely, though she still has alot of anxiety about social situations. The amount of time she has available is every day from thursday to sunday, all day, including wednesday night and monday early morning. This, in itself, would not be bad, except that spending time with me is one of very few activities she does.
Her schedule is as such:
School from 10 to 4 on monday and wednesday.
...
thats it. no clubs, she plays a bit of video games, but not much anymore. No friends to hang out with.
Thats all.
She's great, and I love spending time with her, but I can't just neglect all of my other friends and obligations to spend time with her every second... can I? It's not a huge relationship issue, not at the moment, anyway, and I doubt it will become one, but all her waiting to come see me for when there's time, and when I've got a D&D game to play with my friends, kind of makes me feel like I'm not paying her enough attention.
I really try, honestly, I do, and I don't ignore her if I've got the time to talk to her. Its just that she has so much more time than I do, and I feel like I'm the only one she has to spend the time with.
Am I being a douchebag? Should I free up more time for her than the entire weekend and the bits and pieces of weekdays that I can assemble? I think I'm handling the situation alright, but I still feel bad about it.
Rend on
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Good luck! She's lucky to have such a caring boyfriend
And you sort of contradict yourself, saying you have a lot of activities, and then listing nothing but work, school, and D&D, even saying that's all the time you have for.
Sooo, if you're constantly putting her off for D&D then you MIGHT be a douche. Hard to say what you consider plenty of time and what others would. The best I can say is that if you're constantly choosing D&D over her, you might want to reconsider things.
And also, let her know that it's never good for two people to spend a lot of time together. They can get tired of each other really quick, and have things that didn't bug them before start to bug them.
No your not being a douche, just another person who's trying to juggle work - play and relationships. You obviously care about her so at least by trying to maitain healthy relationships with your friends and her you should be fine. If she wants more attention the is only so much a guy can do.
If shes bored, then help her think about her hobbies and brainstorm some groups/activities she may like to get involved in. Go with her to one or two to help get her off her feet and meet people and she'll hopefully feel more comfortable with going on her own when shes bored. I donno....I didn't get from your post that shes mad or upset or sad....some people don't have to be busy everyday with clubs and big groups of friends to feel social, is she actually unhappy with the situation?
To clarify: I only mention D&D so much because it's my one activity other than work and school, and because it is a big time-eater (3 hours per night, 3 nights per week). And she doesn't interfere with it, she has no problem with me playing. Also, i have a few other activities such as clubs and such at school, but to be basic its about as I mentioned. I dont even know why i say I'm busy as if it's an extreme thing... perhaps I'm just biased about it, that's probably it. But it does seem packed with three nights in a row.
I don't put her off for D&D, and she's actually expressed interest in playing with us, which I am now pursuing... and she doesn't mind me playing. Like i said, it's basically just all the time in the week I would normally spend hanging out with people other than her.
I am just basically worried about her.
Irene: I had the same idea! I have been trying to nudge her into finding hobbies and things like that, but I can't figure out what she might like to do. I know she enjoys baking and Guild Wars, and I'm even trying to get her in on my tabletop roleplaying adventures, which should be fun. The only problem is that she hates social situations in large groups (more than three or four people). What might I suggest as a sort of hobby? She is a bit cynical about this subject, she insists that I'm the only thing she needs, and that hobbies are not for her... which i think might be a little bit unhealthy, as flattering as it is. Neh...?
This is how much time I spend with her, on a typical week.
It also describes all of my non-D&D free time. (video games have sort of hit the wayside here :-P)
Hours (typical week):
Thursday: 11-sleep (approx: 0 :-(, i work on friday early)
Friday: 5-9, 12 or 1 - sleep (approx 5-6)
Saturday: until 9, 12 or 1 - sleep (all day, plus 1 or 2 hours before bed)
Sunday: All day
Yeah, that's a big huge glowing neon hot pink warning flag right there. I'm sorry I can't give more concrete advice on how you can help her find other hobbies, since I learned the hard way myself, but it would be vital to your relationship in the long-term for her to become less emotionally dependent on you. Obviously, you're uncomfortable with her current emotional state, and it's just going to get more stressful as time goes on.
Funny story, though: now that I'm not emotionally dependent on my boyfriend anymore, he likes to refer to the old days as "back when you liked me" :P
Wow, thanks for rephrasing my entire OP. Thats exactly how I feel and why I'm worried about it.
It's not that I am afraid of commitment or anything, seriously, that would be a laugh :-P I'm the only guy ever who grew up pretending to be the groom at weddings... of his own accord. But i am very worried about her emotional health when she's this dependent on me. What if there comes a time when I cannot respond in a timely enough manner to something ailing her, or if she pulls a stealther and doesn't tell me there's a problem until it's too late?
I really want to help her to gain some emotional independence, but I'm worried that anything I do to this effect will make her think I'm trying to push her away.
I believe that is what some people refer to as a false dilemma. He is only spending 9 hours a week on D&D. It sounds like a small fraction of the amount of free time he has (btw, Rend, what happened to Mon-Wed in your list?). No one is ever under any obligation to spend all of his free time with a significant other. I really don't understand why so many people are jumping all over the D&D. My boyfriend spends at least 9 hours a week playing volleyball, should I tell him to choose, "volleyball or me"?
pleasepaypreacher.net
Does she read? Would she like a book club? is there some extra class she'd like to take some project she'd like to pursue? If shes spending her time reading or writing or doing whatever with her free time and is happy doing it, I don't think pressuring her is needed. When you meet cool people, introduce her, help her make friends if your more social. I would try and gradually help her get out more, perhaps her problem is that she has no idea what she could be doing rather than wait around for you.
I mean, it doesn't have to be just you and your friends or you and your girlfriend. You can take her to dinner with another couple you know, stuff like that where its an intimate situation. That will help her be comfortable later if so-and-sos girlfriend wants to hang out with her. I donno if that helps, but thats what I would do (well, that and leave her alone if shes happy).
Also, worth noting: She _is_ a reader. I suppose maybe a lot of books would be in order! I dunno, that sounds more like a temporary fix to me, or just one with frequent trips to the bookstore.
What I would really like is something she could do without me, either alone or with a couple friends or strangers or others etc etc, like a sport (though, tried that, that idea is pretty much out), something that can't necessarily be consumed, like a book.
Maybe reading is a good answer for her though, she's very quiet and introverted, and it wouldn't be the first time someone devoted all their spare time to reading, neh?
[EDIT] A book club, thats a great idea! She might even meet some people there.
Oh, and no, nothing like her leaving friends for me or something
I know she's content, if a bit bored, right now sitting around and waiting, but I'm just worried about the long term, as far as emotional dependency is concerned.
I don't know if that's the case with this girl, but that's actually what happened to me. If it weren't for the fact that we had classes together and worked on homework together, I would never have seen any of my friends for 2 years.
I agree. There is no need to make a D&D vs my girlfriend problem when one doesn't exist. Does she seem unhappy? If not, don't worry about it and let her do her thing. As long as she is cool with you going off and doing your own thing from time to time, I don't really see where the problem is
Of course, I would still worry about the girl using you as her sole social contact/source of fun.
It's not that he's playing an activity, it's the activity he's choosing. Playing volleyball is good for you. Physical exercise, and getting to play cooperatively with others who could potentially become friends outside of that activity is a good thing.
Now, I know I'm going to get tons of hate for this, but D&D is not an activity I'd recommend blowing your girlfriend off for. It's good that the OP is able to get together with friends, and have fun. However, I'd feel insulted if I was your gf, if you'd rather spend your time playing make-believe w/wizards and trolls.
If she wants in, though, let her be a part of the game! Problem solved. Also, yes, she needs to get some hobbies, and maybe the OP needs to cut back a little on his. I sure likes to play me some vidya-games, but I can't lay around all day and play them just because I enjoy it. My fiance start to get upset, and I honestly don't blame her. I've got to make sure I spend time with her, too. It's all about balance.
I agree that it is all about balance but 3 nights a week with his friends leaves 4 nights a week that he can be with his girlfriend - that's plenty of time.
The advice in this topic to "spend a little less time on the OP's hobbies" is bad advice, because in the OP's situation it's really just going to coddle the OP's girlfriend more and start a bad precedent, whereas he really should be working to have her become more independent.
But the OP isn't spending all day playing D&D. As he has stated like 3 times now, it is limited to planned periods and by no means dominates his schedule to the exclusion of his girlfriend. He is not blowing his girlfriend off to play D&D, unless your definition of "blow off" means "spends time doing" -- which actually seems like it might be the case with your opinions on D&D.
My boyfriend and I are having similar struggles over me being full-time employed in an unsatisfying job and him living the whacky student life of a few hours of class a day, homework, and enough free time to make me weep. But we're trying to be grown-ups about the whole issue, and realizing that sometimes we need to be more supportive of each other, and sometimes we need to be more self-sufficient. It's frustrating, but can be worth the fight.
As far as I can tell, you're managing your time quite reasonably -- and it's the girlfriend who needs to take a look at her life. Saying that she doesn't need hobbies because she has you? Yes, that's flattering, but do you like that sort of pressure, to entertain her constantly?
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There are lots of things she can do without you, and which don't require interaction with large groups of people.
Perhaps she could take private language lessons? I took Japanese for a while, and it was generally just the instructor, myself, and sometimes one other girl.
You say she likes to bake: do you have a state fair or anything? Maybe she can enter pie-baking contests, or something of the sort (I still burn popcorn, so my knowledge of cooking options is limited). Maybe challenge her to learn some new dishes: gourmet, exotic, something.
Maybe she'd enjoy getting into photography: that can be fun to do alone, particularly if you aren't looking for models or anything. There's lots of similar options here, too: painting? Knitting? Making clothes?
Can she get a pet? If she's responsible, a pet might be fun. I've got two sugar gliders, and they're nocturnal which, as a student, fits my schedule wonderfully. They take more focus and energy than a hamster and they can become a hobby all their own.
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Honestly, what I'm getting at is that no, you aren't a douche, and while it doesn't sound like she's trying to manipulate you or anything, it's still not fair for you to feel imposed upon due to her lack of hobbies.
Right, I guess my point has been, what does it say about your relationship and the way you feel about your girlfriend(maybe not at 3 months, but eventually, at 6 or so) if you lock out three whole days of the week from seeing your girlfriend, assuming your girlfriend does not participate in that activity.
I think if I was doing that, I'd still be considering it a fairly casual relationship.
[EDIT] Of note: This is the most time weekly i've spent playing D&D as well. Historically it has been limited to one day per week, but I up and created two more groups for seperate nights because it was getting difficult for me to spend time with all of my friends, especially on an evening-only sort of schedule, unless there was an event our hang-out was based around. Voila! D&D group is t3h b0rn.