The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent
vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums
here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules
document is now in effect.
"If you really loved me, you'd stay with me even without the sex"
Posts
I'm probably as far from man-hating as I could get without becoming women-hating. In fact one of my pet peeves is that feminism has swung too far, and now, avoidance of gender discrimination has almost reached affirmative action status. </thread derailing>
it's uhhh... also offensive in and of itself.
it's not only bad because men might take advantage of it.
Should've quit while you were ahead, chum.
I kind of thought that would be obvious
but yes. pretty mean.
alright, fair enough
Oh, so now we're back in 'you're an idiot' territory. Awesome!
this guy
I have nothing against true feminism that wants equality, and can recognise the fact that there's a key difference between treating men and women equally and treating them the same. Also I think feminism is a bit of a silly word for it, since its about equality maybe it should be called equalism.
Or you can call the thunder. I mean, I'm good either way. [pops corn]
Awwwww, haha thats an awesome way of putting it.
Man incenj, use that line and I guarantee you will get laid.
it could also be that the woman feels bored in bed and just doesn't have much incentive to be involved in sexual activities. this is something that can happen very easily, and it is both partner's fault, because even though the woman is often inclined to place full blame on the male in this situation, it is often just as much her fault for either not trying hard enough herself, or allowing her man to grow complacent in bed.
.....ok, what?
No, seriously where did that even come from? This isn't a shot at you by any means but that's the most rediculous thing I've read on these forums and I've seen some pretty messed up shit written by various people (let us not forget Mad Morlocks miraculous Lego diagram). Sorry Cat. That just totally dumbfounded me. Not because you wrote it by any means, but because there could actually be lazy assholes out there that would try and use that as an excuse to get out of doing their fair share.
As far as the OP goes? Probably not a great relationship in the sense that communication seems to be severely lacking. If sex is a problem, ruling it out completely shouldn't be the solution. Talking, like adults, about the problems should be. But since we're dealing with an 18 and 20 year old it doesn't really shock me that's not on the top of the list. If you want my advice, and I have no idea why you would, both people in the relationship need to work on actually talking about any problems that may exist. Most things can be resolved if the people involved are willing to discuss things honestly. 18/20 though? Generally not great ages for that kind of honesty >_<
I was reading a psychology magazine of some sort and they had a page or so about how while there's no longer any stigma against marrying a career-woman, in most cases she's still expected to do all the shit June Cleaver made a career of. Essentially a married woman's career is often viewed as something "extra" she does on the side because she wants to, not as an actual career.
It might be a little late to respond to this, but what the hell. An old friend of mine dumped his girlfriend after she told him she was raped. Not because she was raped specifically, but he'd been seeing her for a year, more or less, and she was hardly intimate physically, and just would not have sex. When she told him she'd been raped she also said she wouldn't be comfortable with sex for a while and didn't know when she finally would be able to, which is why he dumped her.
The reason I bring this up is because while he cared about her he wasn't satisfied with the relationship and certain needs weren't being met. Can't really begrudge him that, but scenarios like this one are really terrible.
I'm in the opposite category, I suppose. My girl goes to class and work for about 10-11 hours a day, so in our apartment I do everything except clean the litter box (*shudder*), and we tend to make dinner together because it's fun for us to look up recipes and such.
Tangent aside, both of us have at one point or another said that we were having problems that we needed to talk about and we didn't want to be intimate until whatever problem it was got worked out. Sometimes it took a long conversation, a trip out of the ordinary, and sometimes just time to think things through.
I would say longer than a week for things to be emotionally off-kilter is a bit too long though.
The only thing I can recall which hasn't already been mentioned was a survey which found that couples who engage in sex regularly, even when they aren't necessarily in the mood at the time, enjoy a better sex life in the relationship, and a stronger emotional connection, as well as just being happier overall.
Plus, it's healthy. Sure, there are few real benefits you get from sex that you can't get from working out a lot and just being happy all the time, but what better way to work anti-depression, cardiovascular exercise, prostate cancer fighting, anti-aging and large shots of oxytocin, which has been shown to help wounds heal faster and increase pain tolerance, into one 15 minute-ish session of sweaty, panting, fingers-in-the-back sex? I mean rly.
It's just too good. Too good.
And as others have brought up, that may be the point.
18 and 20 may seem 'old' to many, but as I approach 30 more rapidly than I care to discuss, I look back on those years with both fondness and a serious "what the fuck was wrong with me" view.
Even at the tender age of 20, in this day and age, she has to know what being in a sexual relationship must mean to him. At 18, that'd be like hitting the jackpot for most, I'd say. At least in my experience, and in witnessing the experiences of those around me, I'd say that the vast majority of relationships at that age range are at most starting to drift any further than "close friends that are physically intimate".
So to circle back to my original statement, perhaps she's simply looking to end the relationship, and removing 'the big draw' is something that she hopes will push him to do it for her?
The fact that the main poster in this thread was a guy who has never had sex before is pretty hilarious.
Sure, sex can be cold, simple, unrewarding for one or both parties (at least, comparitive to what it CAN be), just 'getting your rocks off', or as noted before, it can be a spiritual moment.
It is not the end all, be all of relationships, but it is a deal breaker for many people (men and women alike). On a simple biological and evolutionary level, it makes sense that both men and women would be wired for sex where possible; propagation of the species and all. Our upbringing and the emotions that we consciously and unconsciously attach to the act will, however, colour our views on it dramatically.
It is not a magic button that makes all the woes of the world disappear, nor is it a non-consequential action that could be avoided with ease by most for decades. It, like the nature of our interactions, fits into a wide range on the spectrum of needs for most people.
It certainly makes my woes of the world disappear when its sexy time.
So, my perspective as a man who has had sex: First of all, sex is definitely a need. It may not be a need on the level of air, food, or shelter, but it definitely ranks up there. Everyone needs it. Now, there are definitely different levels of need. From what I glean from my relationships, my libido is through the roof, and I've discovered that if I don't jack off/have sex every day, I will get boners at random points through the day. (maybe too much info there...) Luckily I've managed to have girlfriends with similar appetites, or at least who would put up with it. In the same vein, I had to learn to calm myself down and do without on those days when she's not feeling it. It's just one of those things that people have to work around.
HOWEVER. Saying that someone should be able to do without, because they love you? That's not reasonable in the slightest. The sex isn't a reward for your love, it's an affirmation of your love. It's what you do BECAUSE you're in love. For her to make that kind of a statement could mean one of several things: 1) She isn't actually in love anymore, but she doesn't want to leave the relationship yet. 2) She's REALLY not enjoying it. 3) She had an outbreak of morality. Or maybe some more options I haven't thought of yet. At any rate, it's not indicative of a healthy relationship, and it's not a reasonable position to have. They need to work this out, and quick.
It's so easy to respond to that with the standard "olol all men want is sex!" stereotype but there's more ot it than that. Saying directly to someone you've been in a long-term relationship you don't want to have sex with them is a form of emotional rejection too. It's a signpost that the person is holding you at an arm's length and isn't being truly intimate with you. I'm not saying it's always the case but you can't hold it against someone for feeling rejected in a case like that.
To each his own. I just jump in the moment and I don't think about anything, except enjoying myself.
Just a thought, pay it no mind if I'm off the mark.
The only thing I will say is using "If you love me" as a primary reason for something like this is a poor choice. If there's a problem it's not being discussed which says lots more about the relationship than lack of sex.
In this column, someone wrote in and I think the context can be placed on this thread as well.
His response...
http://www.avclub.com/content/node/65495
The emphasis for me is 'I happen to believe that we owe our sex partners a few things. Good personal hygiene, for starters, followed by a sense of humor, a willingness to meet our lovers' needs, and cleanish sheets.'
Especially the cleanish sheets.
Savage Love is probably my favourite advice column of all time!
edit: thats a lie. it was the second thing. the first was 'i needs me some sex'
I somehow doubt you're the only one. >.>
You need a better cock. Yours obviously isn't puling it's weight in the relationship.
And I agree, sex is a very important part of a relationship. Having incompatible libidos is just as bad for a relationship as having incompatible personalities. It almost killed my relationship with my GF. I mean, when your in a relationship and your not getting sex that often, and it doesn't look like the situation is gonna be getting any better, I don't think there's anything wrong with seeing that as a huge problem. I shouldn't have to spend the rest of my life getting way less sex then I want. That's a serious compatibility issue.
Although, in my experience, these things are usually just a symptom of bigger problems.
If I put on my rose colored glasses, what I hear from this statement is the girl saying "Do you love me? How much? I don't want to be alone, but I don't know what the sex means to me, how to deal with the consequences of physical intimacy, or what I want from my life. This upsets me, and makes me scared, and I wonder if you really love me or if it's all about friction, and I'm afraid to be alone."
Most girls younger than their mid 20's haven't finished becoming the women they will be for the rest of their lives. Having children scares us, being away from our original family unit scares us, the future scares us, and sometimes we trade on our own lusty hormones (and the libido of our partner) for the monkey-brain animal reassurance of being touched, cuddled, worshipped, and appreciated in a physical fashion. It works for a while, but as we start working through the transition from child to adult we start to question the decisions we've made. I woke up one morning in my mid-20's and thought about where I was at in life, the universe and everything, and my response was "Oh, good grief!" I'm feeling much better now.
Short compassionate version: They need to talk. Yes, she's being unreasonable, but it's better to take a "I do love you, we've been together for a while now, let's talk about where we're at and what we want" approach - without talking about sex per se. It's not likely to be the actual problem. Of course, telling her she's being unreasonable is a trap - I wouldn't go there. She may also not even know what's wrong.
Short bitchy version: On the other hand, she may simply be manipulating him for a response, which is more appropriate to a 3 year old. My recommendation about how to respond remains the same - would serve her right to be forced to have an adult conversation after pulling a juvenile stunt like that.