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I love this man. What do I do?
MotherFirefly
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Okay in case any of you are slightly familiar with my posts. This guy I'm referencing is ED guy. ((update: ED NO LONGER!) I'm pre-emptively apologizing for the long post, it also may be confusing. I'm a girl, so I tend to be really emotional.
Background story and what the hell is making me write this post:
We "saw" each other last year, at least once a week, due to the fact that we ran a talk show at the radio station together. At the end of the year we agreed to not get emotionally involved due to the fact that he was graduating and I was still going to be at school, two completely different points in our lives, right? We still keep in touch over the summer, weekly calls and frequent AIM chat's.
I return to school and of course we see each other, I essentially say that I don't want to get "involved" if we're not going to say that we're in an "official relationship", because I don't want to run the risk of getting shelved for other girls. When I go to see him, he tries to kiss me and I pull away, trying to reinforce my statement, then he says " I missed you so much" and I just give in, I can't resist him. Things get heated and I cut it off-- asking if we're going to be in a relationship or not (this being at the very beginning of the school year). His argument is that a) we're an hour away from each other and optimistically would only be able to see each other once a week. b) we're at different points in our lives (I'm still in school & he's working his first serious job) c) I'm supposed to be in college, and have plenty of opportunities there and d) with my co-op coming up and his job being only a temp placement until they hire him full time, 4 months from now things could be completely jumbled again.
Okay, I accept this at this point in time. I feel no reason to argue with him or pressure him into doing anything he doesn't think is going to work.
Then cue this Saturday. We've seen each other a couple of times in the interim but always in a public place (concert etc) and with friends around. But now we have the radio show together (he calls in and does the show via phone this time). We have another great show and while we're talking on air we have a side conversation on AIM and he's telling me how fun he's having etc, then on air proceeds to invite me over. Of course, I cancel what plans I had that night (nothing too exciting, typical college hi-jinks), and head over. We have a great time, I kick his ass at pool, and we flirt a little while his roommates are there. Then the flirting goes on even more, we play a "keep away" game with a football that we frequently played last year. We're both laughing our asses off and are having a great time, he also pulls a cheap move and takes up the entire bed where we're watching TV so I sit on top of him (he's lying on his stomach). As I'm getting up to leave (it was getting late and the T was about to stop running), I kiss him lightly on the back of his neck, then he's like "dammit I was doing so well, and we talked about this", and I was like "yeah, I know I can't help myself either" and then it turns into kissing and later on passionate sex. The next morning he kisses me goodbye, I honestly don't know how to take all of it.
My dilemma is, I love him. He frequently tells me that I should be dating guys in college, there are so many out there. To which my response has only been "you're the only guy for me". I'm perplexed because I heard him muttering to himself "if only you were out of college." I know it's different, but I'm willing to wait him out, I'm a woman after all--we have this tendency to exhibit patience. I felt so lame because the other day when my friends and I were playing questions they asked "if you could be with anyone in the world and have it work who would it be?" and without thinking of anyone else, celebrities included, I immediately named him. What should I do? Do I tell him? Will that scare him? Will that cause me to push him away? What should I do in this situation? Should I bring up the relationship question again? Should I tell him how I feel? Tell him that I'm willing to wait him out?
tl;dr
I've been seeing this guy in a non relationship setting for over a year, he's graduated school and is now working his first job and I'm still in school. He thinks that a relationship won't work now because I'm at school. I , however, love him, and haven't found anyone at school that makes me feel the same way as he does (yes, I've gone on dates and had other interests), but it's not the same. I saw him the other day and we ended up having "relations" again. Should I tell him how I feel? That I love him, and really just want to be with him? Will that freak him out?
thanks guys.
Background story and what the hell is making me write this post:
We "saw" each other last year, at least once a week, due to the fact that we ran a talk show at the radio station together. At the end of the year we agreed to not get emotionally involved due to the fact that he was graduating and I was still going to be at school, two completely different points in our lives, right? We still keep in touch over the summer, weekly calls and frequent AIM chat's.
I return to school and of course we see each other, I essentially say that I don't want to get "involved" if we're not going to say that we're in an "official relationship", because I don't want to run the risk of getting shelved for other girls. When I go to see him, he tries to kiss me and I pull away, trying to reinforce my statement, then he says " I missed you so much" and I just give in, I can't resist him. Things get heated and I cut it off-- asking if we're going to be in a relationship or not (this being at the very beginning of the school year). His argument is that a) we're an hour away from each other and optimistically would only be able to see each other once a week. b) we're at different points in our lives (I'm still in school & he's working his first serious job) c) I'm supposed to be in college, and have plenty of opportunities there and d) with my co-op coming up and his job being only a temp placement until they hire him full time, 4 months from now things could be completely jumbled again.
Okay, I accept this at this point in time. I feel no reason to argue with him or pressure him into doing anything he doesn't think is going to work.
Then cue this Saturday. We've seen each other a couple of times in the interim but always in a public place (concert etc) and with friends around. But now we have the radio show together (he calls in and does the show via phone this time). We have another great show and while we're talking on air we have a side conversation on AIM and he's telling me how fun he's having etc, then on air proceeds to invite me over. Of course, I cancel what plans I had that night (nothing too exciting, typical college hi-jinks), and head over. We have a great time, I kick his ass at pool, and we flirt a little while his roommates are there. Then the flirting goes on even more, we play a "keep away" game with a football that we frequently played last year. We're both laughing our asses off and are having a great time, he also pulls a cheap move and takes up the entire bed where we're watching TV so I sit on top of him (he's lying on his stomach). As I'm getting up to leave (it was getting late and the T was about to stop running), I kiss him lightly on the back of his neck, then he's like "dammit I was doing so well, and we talked about this", and I was like "yeah, I know I can't help myself either" and then it turns into kissing and later on passionate sex. The next morning he kisses me goodbye, I honestly don't know how to take all of it.
My dilemma is, I love him. He frequently tells me that I should be dating guys in college, there are so many out there. To which my response has only been "you're the only guy for me". I'm perplexed because I heard him muttering to himself "if only you were out of college." I know it's different, but I'm willing to wait him out, I'm a woman after all--we have this tendency to exhibit patience. I felt so lame because the other day when my friends and I were playing questions they asked "if you could be with anyone in the world and have it work who would it be?" and without thinking of anyone else, celebrities included, I immediately named him. What should I do? Do I tell him? Will that scare him? Will that cause me to push him away? What should I do in this situation? Should I bring up the relationship question again? Should I tell him how I feel? Tell him that I'm willing to wait him out?
tl;dr
I've been seeing this guy in a non relationship setting for over a year, he's graduated school and is now working his first job and I'm still in school. He thinks that a relationship won't work now because I'm at school. I , however, love him, and haven't found anyone at school that makes me feel the same way as he does (yes, I've gone on dates and had other interests), but it's not the same. I saw him the other day and we ended up having "relations" again. Should I tell him how I feel? That I love him, and really just want to be with him? Will that freak him out?
thanks guys.
MotherFirefly on
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Soooooo.... yeah, he's a confused pussy but I think he really likes you. Tell him IMO-- but I don't know about the L word immediately. He's already showing commitment issues. Just tell him you want to be exclusive.
If he feels the same (clearly he needs to soul search so give him some time) he'll wait it out or make it work.
B.net: Kusanku
And yeah, since you're basically friends with benefits that's a pretty sweet deal for him. And you're still there after he's made it very clear what you're going to get.
So why should he change?
DTMFA or be the FB until he finds someone he does want to try a real relationship with and dumps you all together.
If he's only thinking of himself and the opportunities out there for him (even though he didn't put it that way), you should ditch him unless you're okay with that situation.
If he's concerned for you and your opportunities, he's being somewhat patronizining. You should be able to decide for yourself who you want to be with, regardless of whether you're in school or not. It's called being an adult and if he doesn't think of you as such, I think you again need to decide whether you're okay with that.
Edit: I think if you want to tell him how you feel, that's fine. The key is to not expect anything back...maybe a thank you. It might make him freak out or it might not. It sounds like you want to tell him because you think it will change his attitude towards having a committed relationship with you. Unless your feelings for him are news to him, it probably won't make a difference.
This.
Seriously, half an hour distance is too much for him? This guy is a pussy. I've been going to school at Amherst College while working a shitty job, and I've still been able to hold relationships with girls at Smith College (20-25 minutes away) for 3 years now. And we used the bus! 30 minutes is NOTHING if you care about someone, and I see no reason why you'd be able to see each other only once a week, optimistically.
The guy knows he doesn't need to be in a relationship with your to "have relations" with you, and frankly that seems to be all he's after. All of his excuses (too far away, different places in our lives) seems quite frankly to be bullshit to me, and it's apparent that while he cares about you, he doesn't seem to care about you ENOUGH to be in a relationship with you. Which would be a problem, as you seem to want to be more than his fuck-buddy.
I've seen this situation before, and it won't end well unless you give him an ultimatum and hold him to it. Either he tries a legitimiate relationship with you, or you stop seeing him altogether for a little bit while you sort yourself out.
I'm not going to be presumptuous enough to tell you that what you have for him is infatuation and not love (or perhaps love for being in love's sake), though having been in a situation VERY similar to this before (developing strong feelings for a good friend, acting on them, in my case bad things happen), I will suggest that you may be putting him on a pedestal. You don't seem to have actually been in a relationship with him, so to an extent you probably don't know the "real him" as well as you think you do. Maybe you should ask yourself why you love him, what he's done to deserve you, etc?
However this turns out, you're probably going to be in for a reality check. If he still wants to just be a FB, you're going to have to let yourself realize that he's using you and your feelings for sex - and that no amount of having sex with him is going to make you feel better, or make him more deserirous of an actual relationship with you. If he does want to be in a relationship, you're going to have to access your feelings for him and make sure not to rush into things, because a proclamation of love at this point may 1) very well be premature 2) scare him off, because intense commitment doesn't exactly seem to be his thing.
This is easier said than done, but you REALLY need to look past your feelings when it comes to this guy. Feelings are an extremely powerful obscuring force, and I can guarantee you that if you don't let yourself come back down to earth, you will be disappointed.
you might be surprised to see what happens, brace yourself for the worst though.
thats still basicly nothing though.
my ex gf lived 5 hours away and I still saw her about three weekends a month with no real problems. This guy is lame if an hour is too much for him.
It sounds like he is either really lame and does not want the drive or he just does not like you like that.
Even with the information you have shared it is hard to tell what is going on. It would seem he likes you and the only way you will get to the bottom of this is to just buck up and tell him how you feel. Using the word "love" would not really be recommended until you are fairly sure he would be comfortable with it.
I would tell him how you feel and what you want to happen. That would be the best path in my opinion.
Anyhow, good luck.
I have been that guy in a couple of relationships, its nice as long as I don't have to commit. Call me a pussy or whatever but I liked what I was getting from the girl, just not the girl herself. Those situations ended in them being very bitter and hateful towards me. (I do my best to avoid to avoid those kinds of relationships now)
from your post it seems to me that he likes the sex, but he doesn't like you. Otherwise he would commit and put forth the effort. His excuses are just that, a way for him to not commit. its a harsh reality, but I would suggest moving on and ignoring him.
Good luck, and I am sorry so many guys are bastards.
edited for helpfulness:
dude, go for it.
theres always a reason not to do something, never enough reasons to follow a dream
You do however have three rather distinct options.
Keep things as they are now, this will leave you feeling unfufilled.
Tell him that you want to date exclusivly and you are developing feelings for him. This could go well, this could not go well.
Leave him the fuck alone. Otherwise you will end up stuck with option one, which really is the shittiest of the three. It sounds like you can't really control yourself around this guy and leaving him the fuck alone will let you get over your feelings for him.
Satans..... hints.....
My advice, as a man, in order to put you in the best position to get the man, is to continue to exhibit your patience, because if its gonna happen, then its gonna happen. Make the man do the chasing. Men need that. We're the hunters. You be the woman.
Also, when I get sex easy, its less enjoyable then when I have to work for it.
Sweetie, just because you have a relatively common power kink doesn't mean your experience is even close to universally applicable.
seeing as that you're a woman, you might not understand, but it works this way for a vast majority of men.
Why do you think you love him? You need to answer that. What is it he does that makes you love him? It doesnt sound like he's very keen on you, so how does that lead you to feel love for him?
I think, in time, you will look back on this and facepalm.
What is this, reverse pick-up artistry? men and women are teh different species, and to get one interested you gotta play mind games and trick them into wanting you, lolz. girls/guys r weird
Seeing as I am a man and this is not the way I approach women at all, I'll counter your overgeneralization-based-on-personal-experience with one of my own: most men aren't like this. If he's not interested, it's more likely that it's because of real reasons like incompatibility or fear of commitment, and not because you're putting up too little a resistance.
Good thing for me the burden of proof's on you, eh?
4:26:06 PM Him: hey i missed your im yesterday
4:59:38 PM Rachel : hey
4:59:45 PM him: hello
4:59:53 PM Rachel : how are you?
4:59:58 PM him: same old
5:00:00 PM him: you?
5:00:03 PM Rachel : doing okay
5:00:07 PM him: good
5:00:13 PM Rachel : I'm done with homework through thursday
5:00:16 PM Rachel : so I'm slightly bored.
5:00:25 PM Rachel : do you have basketball tonight?
5:00:27 PM him: consider yourself lucky
5:00:31 PM him: yes
5:00:44 PM Rachel : good luck with that, I'm sure you'll play great.
5:00:51 PM him: thanks
5:01:44 PM Rachel : can we discuss the other night?
5:01:53 PM him: sure
5:01:58 PM him: for a bit then i'm out
5:02:29 PM Rachel : you know I meant what I said
5:02:39 PM Rachel : when I said that I'm going to wait you out haha
5:02:52 PM him: i think we were both weak
5:03:11 PM Rachel : are you saying you regret it?
5:03:19 PM him: of course not
5:03:35 PM him: but i faltered in my message
5:03:44 PM him: which we already discussed
5:04:00 PM Rachel : I understand that you don't want to be in a relationship
5:04:22 PM him: i don't know what i wanty
5:04:33 PM Rachel : that doesn't mean I'm going to cover up the fact that I have feelings for you.
5:04:56 PM him: i understand
5:05:19 PM Rachel : I also just don't want you to think I'm...smothering you or something.
5:05:24 PM Rachel : preventing you from living your life.
5:05:27 PM him: you're not
5:05:37 PM him: i'll let you know if you are
5:05:52 PM Rachel : I really don't know where you stand on...whatever...is going on.
5:06:35 PM Rachel : I get so confused because when I saw you, you said you'd missed me and everything, and when we're together I feel like we both really enjoy each others company
5:06:47 PM him: i know
5:06:56 PM him: i wasn't lieing
5:07:11 PM him: but i know i can't do a relationship
5:07:39 PM Rachel : no, I know that.
5:08:13 PM Rachel : do you object to things the way they are now?
5:08:53 PM him: i think we should be friends with no touching because i think it'll end up hurting you and me
5:09:23 PM Rachel : yeah but we discussed that previously and it obviously didn't work
5:09:53 PM Rachel : i think we just need to avoid the bedroom
5:09:55 PM Rachel : at all costs
5:10:15 PM Rachel : if that's how you feel.
5:10:21 PM him: and just play pool
5:10:42 PM Rachel : I guess.
5:12:26 PM him: i know we've had this discussion before, i just don't feel the relationship thing
5:12:43 PM him: the last thing i want to do is hurt you in any way
5:13:06 PM Rachel : relationship between us or in general?
5:13:19 PM him: that's something i have to figure out
5:13:43 PM Rachel : I'm not trying to tell you you have to be in a relationship with me at all.
5:14:07 PM Rachel : I just have a hard time when you're around.
5:14:24 PM him: i know
5:14:53 PM him: i don't know what we can do
5:15:00 PM him: i don't have all the answers
5:15:21 PM him: but i do have to go now
5:15:27 PM Rachel : okay.
5:15:30 PM him: i have to cook dinner befor basketball
5:15:35 PM Rachel : I'm sorry I don't mean to pressure you or anything
5:15:45 PM Rachel : I really do care about you and we've discussed not doing this and then we see each other and then it happens. so then I'm like...wtf.
5:15:46 PM him: it's ok
5:15:48 PM Rachel : I'm just really confused.
5:15:49 PM Rachel : about
5:15:50 PM Rachel : everything.
5:16:14 PM him: don't worry about me
5:16:21 PM him: ok, i'll talk to you later
5:16:24 PM Rachel : kk
5:16:31 PM Rachel : bye, have fun at basketball
5:16:35 PM him: thanks
5:16:37 PM him: see ya
thoughts? opinions? RESPONSES??
Edit: I bolded the things in the conversation that confused the fuck out of me.
Nothing 'jerky' about it. Different people, different needs. No malice at all. edit - saw the log. He's a douche since he thinks just telling you like that gives him free reign to treat you however he wants. My points stand tho.
He's made it perfectly clear what he wants and what he'll give. Period. His reasons don't even enter into it. That she wants more is her problem and she either accepts the mind games and BS (like now) or she 100% leaves him alone and looks for a new dude. Now at that point he may not like giving up with current relationship but if he's not going to meet her needs, well, tough shit buddy.
OP - Read this until it sinks in: He flat-out told you to leave him.
OP - Read this until it sinks in: He flat-out told you to leave him.
OP - Read this until it sinks in: He flat-out told you to leave him.
Sorry. And that sucks.
But there are other dude out there just as cool that won't treat you bad. Good luck.
Anyway, look at what he's saying. You got together, had sex, and he still says he doesn't want a relationship. He flat out tells you:
5:07:11 PM him: but i know i can't do a relationship
That's it. That's the end. You can continue meeting him, avoiding the bedroom 50% of the time and having sex with him the other 50% of the time, and each time it's followed by a confusing and hurtful discussion on IM about how you feel strongly for him and how he doesn't want a relationship.
You can't date a guy who won't be in a relationship with you. You can only have sex with them. Meaningless sex, IMO, even if it feels good.
However, stick it out but keep expectation low and try to have fun. Who knows, right?
https://medium.com/@alascii
Take his advice. Date other guys in college and give this one a break for a while. If he really decides he wants to be with you, let him be the one to make the advances.
Eh, no. From her posts in seems that "keeping expectations low" won't be too possible for her. She's already convinced that she loves the guy, and from my own experiences I can tell you that you can't just accept being a casual sex buddy when you're at the point.
Let me try to explain the bolded parts the way I have interpreted them: he seems to care about you as a friend, and is obviously attracted to you physically, but isn't feeling a romantic/emotional connection with you. This seems to confuse him as much as it does you - he's probably thinking "There's this girl who I'm great friends with and we have great sex, but I just can't get into her emotionally, and I don't know why." But that's something neither of you can really change - sometimes the spark is there and sometimes it isn't. So it goes.
Basically, he wants the best for you as a friend, which is why he keeps trying to back off and give you space. But then you both find each other physically attractive, and he's too weak to fight it when he's around you. He's trying to be noble, but he can't resist sex even when he knows it'll lead to hurtful situations. Which is bad.
He's TELLING you to ignore him and find another guy. I don't know how this can be more clear. Don't mistake his being sexual with you for "hidden" feelings - people are perfectly capable of having sex without emotional commitment, and that seems to be what he's doing here. Stop reading so far into it. If you don't want to be his sex-buddy and are emotionally hurt by the prospect, then the burden is on YOU to back off. It takes two to tango.
If you can't hang out with him without these horrible pangs of unrequited love and this need to have confusing/emotionally painful sex, then there's an obvious solution: STOP. HANGING. OUT. WITH. HIM.
Seriously. Sometimes you just need a little space to clear your head. Give yourself a few weeks without seeing him and let your mind move onto other things, like schoolwork or radio or whatever. Just distance yourself from him and your feelings for him, and then open up contact with him again when you are ready to be in a mature friendship. Like he said, now's not the time to "worry about him" - do what you need to access your relationship with this guy and recover, even if it means severing contact with him for a while.
The alternative is to continue with this little dance until, most likely, you become so emotionally drained and unfulfilled and hurt that you end the friendship with him completely. Speaking again from experience here - when a friendship-to-relationship attempt fails, you really need space and time to heal, or you're in serious danger of ending up on non-speaking terms with the guy at some point in the future.
Sounds like he doesn't want a relationship with you. And you do. And it doesn't sound as if he hasn't had time to warm up to you. Thus it is not going to happen.
Seriously, don't start looking for clues that it might work when he is fairly blatantly telling you that he does not wan't a relationship.
Ok, so you say you love him. I guess it is in the realm of possibility, whatever, but keep in mind that mutual love is rewarding and love that is not mutual tends to leave you feeling empty and used. He does not love you. Not in the way you want at least. It sounds like he is using you for sex, regardless of if he says he wants a hands off friendship.
You will be better off taking his advice and finding someone else.
Like PirateJon said, read that over and over until it sinks in. He is telling you "No, find someone else."
If he has decided that then really you are wasting your time and emotions.
He's 24, out of school. I have a hard time dating guys in college just because they seem to have NO concept of dating and are like "hooray, drunken hookups". Also, how do I meet these guys? It's not like I'm old enough to frequent bars.
He used to get very jealous because I had a lot of "prospects" very frequently, because the stories came up on the radio a lot about guys that would climb fire escapes to try and knock on my window and such. He, for some reasons, thinks that they're better for me.
Also, during the summer when we were "in touch" it was really the sporadic AIM conversations. Then towards the end of the summer it was all him initiating conversations. The problem is I can't feign disinterest, the same thing happened when I had a huge crush in high school, it may fade for a little bit but then when they come back it's impossible to cover up.
Why do you have to sound like a damned guru. I'm trying to back off I swears.
Thanks guys, all of this advice really helps.
Have you tried online like Match.com for example? I recommend it over cheapo/creepo sites like Craiglist. There is a paid subscription but if you really want something then why not the extra effort?
I guess most of your peers are young too so parties are out. There is speed dating if you want to meet guys face to face first.
"Can't" in this context rather clearly means "won't but don't want to hurt your feelings by saying 'won't'".
Clearly it doesn't, or I'd be more convinced. I'm not saying it's not possible, but a) you need to be sure, and b) being outright rejected will help her get over him instead of a kind of hazy 'maybe' rejection, but maybe not.
Don't worry about it -- bars are only good for drunken hookups. I've got a friend who only dated out of his circle of friends. It wasn't an incestuous circle -- people would come and go, most relationships lasted a while, etc. So he would always be friends with his future girlfriends before they actually started dating. He did this by having a lot of "extra-curricular interests" like video, music, whatever.
Me, I'd rather meet someone who I knew had similar interests right off the bat, and deal with the whole semi-blind dating thing. I didn't like being friends with someone first and then suddenly jumping into a relationship -- it always seemed awkward. So I ended up setting up dates for myself using online personals -- back in 98-99. Find an interesting profile, drop a message, send a few emails or whatever and arrange to meet up in a public space. I met a lot of really boring and pretty ugly women until I figured out what to actually look for in profiles, but I had a string of very successful dates with some truly interesting women until I met my future wife.
And most people are surprised that we met online, because we seem to get along so well.
Anyway, "how do I meet [gender]" is the classic dating question. Most people don't want to date slimeballs of either gender, but sometimes you have to go out on a limb. Many people do this by joining clubs or groups that interest them, either through school or the community. Ideally you're joining something you like, not just trolling for dates (which usually fails). Other people look for "speed dating," where you're confronted with a lot of other single people and can make some first impressions. Others go to mixers, both with and without alchohol.
The trick, if you're just looking to go on dates and meet people, is to figure out situations where you can be sure that the people are single. It's a HUGE confidence boost. If you simply go about your normal routine and randomly ask a cute or interesting guy out, chances are the things you find interesting are also interesting to another girl. He might've been single 3 weeks ago (and is now acting more confident, making him more attractive), or maybe he's married. If you do mixers, speed dating, online dating, new groups, etc., it's a matter of putting yourself in a situation where you can quickly figure out who's single and who's interesting.
As for this guy, I can totally see why you would slowly fall for him and why you'd end up confused. He quietly fought for you but didn't want you, and probably does honestly enjoy the affection. The further you went from him, the more he wanted to be with you, but the closer you get to him, the further he wants you. He's seeing you as some sort of unattainable thing -- only he gets to have sex with you. He either has some serious commitment issues and will probably never be a good boyfriend (dumping you whenever the specter of getting too serious raises up, only to gradually try to bring you back when he's been away from you for long enough for him to feel that it's more casual), or he's interested in/seeing other women already and simply isn't telling you.
But you love what you perceive this man to be about, not what he actually is. There's a reason that a lot of relationships change drastically once people move in together -- when they can really live with the other person, it's really a "do or die" situation and many people realize that their love was illusionary, and they're seeing the person for what they really are, faults and all. The real love-based relationships thrive in those situations, and the couple becomes even more attached. The ones that were based on some idealized notion fall apart. As for your situation with the guy, you currently just hang out and sometimes have sex. You may love what you hear about him, but you also may love that he's not a drunken guy trying to get in your pants, and that he's playing hard to get.
Can't isn't a 'maybe' rejection, it's an outright rejection. It's just phrased to sound like it's based in circumstances rather than lack of interest. Both are valid reasons to reject someone, given that "love conquers all" is an outright retardedly unhealthy fantasy.
Tell him you are through, you aren't some sex toy he gets to get off on. Move on find someone who actually wants to be in a healthy relationship with you and who would be willing to say the words back.
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