Girrrls Girrrls Girls!

Poot

I'm starting to get used to these. Disclaimer: I am in high school.

So anywho I have been in a relationship for a short while now, and for the most part everything has been fine. We get along well, I am very attracted to her, and we have fun together. But recently one little issue has been bothering me. Whenever we do affectionate things like hold hands, cuddle, or kiss, I'm usually the one "initiating" it. What I mean is that she usually isn't the one to grab my hand or put her arm around me or lean in for a kiss. Now, part of me, as well as a lot of my friends, tell me that maybe she just expects me to do it or that she's just not very affectionate like that, and its nothing to worry about. But another part of me sort of needs that assurance that she has feelings for me or is attracted to me. I think right now I'm just going to wait it out and not react to it by treating her differently, but if it continues and nothing has changed I might want to do something about it if I am still uncomfortable. Any suggestions?

Speakeasy

First, you are in high school. Don't sweat the small stuff, because at your age, most of it is small.

Second, have you given her a chance to initiate it? Like not do it for an extended period of time? I'm thinking it's that she is expecting it from you. That's how my ex was.

Dhalphir

If you're the one initiating it, then either

a) you're naturally a more affectionate person than she is, which is unsolvable.

b) she has come to expect you to be the one to do it. In this case, stop doing the affectionate stuff and see how she reacts, if she starts initiating it, then you can rest assured your feelings are mutual, she simply got used to you doing it.

c) she doesn't want to be affectionate with you, but is simply not stopping you from doing it, for whatever reason

I'd say its most likely b), but it could be a). C) is unlikely.

Trowizilla

I'm assuming she's in high school too? She's probably still a little shy and feeling a bit awkward. As long as she responds enthusiastically to your advances, it's probably not a big deal. If it continues to bug you, you could say something like "I love it when you just kiss me out of nowhere" or "it makes me feel really special when you grab my hand" and see if she initiates a little more often.

brandotheninjamaster

I don't know how old you are but where I'm from the usual HS age is around 14-18. Thats pretty young, I doubt that she has a lot of experience in relationships in general. Depending on how many boyfriends shes had in the past and what she has etc etc etc. Most likely she feels awkward and doesn't know how to act. A HS relationship is a big switch from a middle school one, so its a very strong possibility that she is in an emotional whirlwind. I could be way off base here but, I seldom come across a high schooler that is wise in the ways of relationships and is sure of him/herself in general.

MotherFirefly

Girls tend to expect it from you, believe me. We're not really one to initiate it just because we really want to know that it's YOU that likes US.

It's kind of mini confidence boosters that we take from you guys.

EggyToast

Yeah, don't feel bad about it at your age. Despite numerous sexual revolutions and awakenings in the general western culture, most teenage girls are still given the impression that sex, affection, and other physical things are 'bad' and that they shouldn't be doing them. So it's completely normal, and you shouldn't obsess over it.

Kate of Lokys

There's also a real stigma attached to the whole concept of women initiating physical contact. You know how it goes: a man who slept with a different woman every night would be hi5ed by his envious buddies and called a stud, while a woman who slept with a different man every night would be ridiculed and insulted and called a slut. The same applies to lesser contact. Women are told - by friends, by mothers, by every mainstream movie they watch - that men are the ones who initiate, and that their role is to wait passively with upturned face to be kissed.

The positive feedback suggestion was a good one ("Hey, I love it when you X"), but bear in mind that you're asking her to buck a lot of heavily implied societal norms here. And at her age, with her lack of experience and self-confidence, she probably won't be comfortable doing that.

NightDragon

Speakeasy wrote: »

First, you are in high school. Don't sweat the small stuff, because at your age, most of it is small.

Despite the fact I'm well into college, I still hate it when people say or assume this. I understand you used the word "most" and not "all" but I feel that the word "high school" seems to send a lot of people here into this rigid frame of view where "nothing is really all that important" and "you're young so you're not dealing with anything too major" kind of a thing. Not saying you were saying that specifically, but I feel that in a lot of threads like this the initial reaction is for people to say "oh, high school" and then suddenly the OP is told to brush everything off. Just felt like adding my 2 cents.

I do feel like the initiating thing is a good point though, I can completely agree with that...Dalphir and Trowizilla seem to have hit the nail on the head too, as far as I can tell.

Also, she may be shy about PDA...and I'm not sure if you're expecting anything from her in a public setting, OP, but I know a lot of girls aren't really comfortable with the idea. That could be another reason, perhaps.

Poot

Yeah, I'm pretty sure its either her being shy/inexperienced or that she just expects it from me, both of which I'm totally fine with. I'm just kinda inexperienced when it comes to reading signs so I wanted to make sure I wasn't missing any warning flags. Thanks a ton.

Uncle Long

So long as she's kissing you back you're probably all right. It's when you have to kind of maneuver her lips that you should probably start worrying.

The Black Hunter

Maybe she is just shy?