Girl problem of an unusual sort.

Drez

Okay, so, first I feel guilty even posting this. I promised her I would keep my mouth shut about the initial news but now...I don't know if that still applies. I assume it does. In fact I assume it applies even more strongly than before. This is really nobody's business and certainly not even mine so I have no right to gossip about it. But I need advice and I cannot ask for it without providing at least the bare essential of information that I have absolutely no right to share. A conundrum for sure. I wanted to post this two days ago when I found out and still haven't come to any equilibrium on this subject.

So, I'm just going to tiptoe around it as much as possible and be as matter of fact as possible.

My good friend (female) moved to Florida recently. I haven't been able to visit her yet. The plan, as of Tuesday evening, was to buy tickets today for the end of the month. I even asked her "if I can't get in touch with you right before the tickets, is suchandsuch date alright?" She replied that she was unsure but it should be fine and that I should "go ahead" but we left it that I should call her Friday night. To be honest, after the phone call I was unclear on whether or not I should call her before buying them or not because she told me to call her Friday night but she also said to just go ahead and buy the ticket.

Cut to Wednesday. I see her on IM very late at night and long story short she tells me that she lost her baby. She recently became pregnant with her husband and she had a miscarriage. I was stunned and didn't really know what to say except console her. I said "I'll call you tomorrow" and she asked me not to, that she wanted time to herself. Which is completely understandable.

Thing is: I'm really out of my depth here. I simply cannot empathize correctly with her in this specific situation. I can only roughly guess how she feels. So I'm not sure what to do.

A few questions I have are whether or not I should call her tonight (my gut instinct is "hell no!"), whether or not I should call her husband (and this is a dual problem - should I call him and offer condolences? Is that even done for this kind of thing?) especially considering we might have flown out together to visit her, whether or not I should just buy the tickets as planned, speak to no one, and then call her toward the end of next week, whether she'll even feel better at the end of the month, mentally and/or physically, or whether I should just assume that I shouldn't buy tickets and that I should just give her all the space she requested. My problem is really this: we had trip plans but I can't really talk to her about them anymore but I'm not sure if she expects the trip to happen anyway or not.

And is there any appropriate way to console her? Send her flowers? Will that just appear perfunctory and stupid, a reminder of her loss? I don't know.

A last question I have is whether or not it would be a betrayal to speak to another female friend about this situation, one who I know in real life but who hasn't ever met my other friend in Florida. I already feel guilty about even talking about this here on the forum, but I don't really know any of you and none of you know me or my friends so by comparison I feel like this is less worse than if I spoke to my other real-life female friend. Is it a betrayal if I ask her for her opinion/advice? I don't know. Maybe I'm just looking for moral absolution if I go ahead and call her this afternoon. But please don't give it to me unless you really think I'd be morally absolved in doing so.

Also, though I am not sure this is at all relevant, this would have been her third child and as far as I know (and I'm pretty sure I would know) her only miscarriage.

EclecticGroove

Ouch, yeah it can be tough.

My sister in law miscarried once, and my step sister miscarried 3 pregnancies in a row.

My advice? You've already talked with her and offered at least some words of consolation.

These tend to be really private matters and I would not get involved unless you are family. If she found out and the Husband is up near you, it's possible he doesn't even know yet, if you can't be sure of that, you don't want to be the one telling him.

Likewise, I wouldn't tell any of your female friends unless they have nothing to do with these people and you simply must talk to one of them.

I would consider your plans to fly down bunk unless she tells you otherwise, but I'd call her next week sometime to talk about it. She really just needs time to come to grips with it, especially if they were really trying for a baby.

As to exactly how she feels? I have no idea, but there's a chance she may never talk about it to you so don't press it.

vonPoonBurGer

I had a teacher in high school who was awesome. She was really good at motivating students, really good at challenging high-functioning students, and just a lot of fun in the classroom. She went on maternity leave, and when she came back, it was like someone had unplugged her. The life was just completely drained out of her, she even seemed downright crusty compared to her pre-leave self. It turned out she had miscarried, and that was the aftermath. I don't know if she ever really recovered to being her old self, but if it happened it wasn't until after I graduated a year or two later. The reason I share this is to illustrate that having a miscarriage can have an extreme impact on a woman.

Drez wrote: »

A few questions I have are whether or not I should call her tonight (my gut instinct is "hell no!"), whether or not I should call her husband (and this is a dual problem - should I call him and offer condolences? Is that even done for this kind of thing?) especially considering we might have flown out together to visit her, whether or not I should just buy the tickets as planned, speak to no one, and then call her toward the end of next week, whether she'll even feel better at the end of the month, mentally and/or physically, or whether I should just assume that I shouldn't buy tickets and that I should just give her all the space she requested. My problem is really this: we had trip plans but I can't really talk to her about them anymore but I'm not sure if she expects the trip to happen anyway or not.

Go with your gut instinct. I'd say just give her some space for now. Don't call, don't call her husband, don't book the trip. Just let her know you're available if she needs someone to talk to, maybe with an IM or email, and leave it at that. If it shags up the travel plans, oh well, that's a pretty minor trauma compared to the one your friend is experiencing.

Drez wrote: »

And is there any appropriate way to console her? Send her flowers? Will that just appear perfunctory and stupid, a reminder of her loss? I don't know.

Not that I'm aware of. I think part of the problem with miscarriages is that as far as everyone is concerned, the being that was lost never really fully existed. Except to the mother of course, for whom the existence of that child was very real. When you can feel a little person growing inside you, that's got to be pretty profound, and when you lose that child before ever really getting to meet it, that's got to be tough, maybe tougher than losing a parent. But to everyone else, it seems like a lesser loss, and thus there's no funeral for a miscarried child, no standard series of rituals that we use to help us collectively get over the loss, because the loss isn't collectively felt the same way. That's just my theory, though, take it with a grain of salt.

Drez wrote: »

A last question I have is whether or not it would be a betrayal to speak to another female friend about this situation, one who I know in real life but who hasn't ever met my other friend in Florida. I already feel guilty about even talking about this here on the forum, but I don't really know any of you and none of you know me or my friends so by comparison I feel like this is less worse than if I spoke to my other real-life female friend. Is it a betrayal if I ask her for her opinion/advice? I don't know. Maybe I'm just looking for moral absolution if I go ahead and call her this afternoon. But please don't give it to me unless you really think I'd be morally absolved in doing so.

I don't think it would be, since you're not naming names, just asking for a female perspective from someone of the same gender who doesn't know the woman in question. Your friend is probably asking you to keep it under your hat because she doesn't want a parade of awkward condolences right now. As long as you don't do anything to bring that on her, I'd say you're fine. All the same, maybe it would be best to sit on this for a couple days, and then see if you still feel the need to talk to someone about it.

Drez wrote: »

Also, though I am not sure this is at all relevant, this would have been her third child and as far as I know (and I'm pretty sure I would know) her only miscarriage.

It's probably good that this wasn't her first child. The teacher I spoke of at the start of this post, that was her first pregnancy, and from what I gather she and her husband had been trying to get pregnant for a while, with some difficulty. She was pretty ecstatic about having a kid, and in hindsight it's obvious that coming so close, only to have it all fall apart at the last minute, just crushed her. Your friend may have a better recovery, given that she has two children who need her.

FunkyWaltDogg

If you feel the need to offer further consolation, sending a card might be a good idea. That way she doesn't actually have to talk to you if she doesn't feel like it, but she still knows you care.

Forar

I agree with sending a card, and also agree that it's probably best to give her time and space. I too have trouble imagining the raw pain she must be dealing with, and as much as my instinct would drive me to console and be there as best I could for a friend, the best thing to do really may be just to let her grieve until she's ready to talk again, and as noted, the subject may never come up and if not, don't ever press it. This isn't just a death in the family, but a loss of what could've been, and all the hopes and dreams she'd had around her child to be.

precisionk

Sending a card and giving a few weeks of time is probably the best thing. It shows that you care and during this tough time for her, she will want to be alone. She needs to grieve and giving her this time will allow her to get through the toughest of parts.


Also, I love Drez, we are getting married next month.

Fallingman

I'd probably send her a message saying that if she needs someone to talk to you're there for her and you're thinking of them both. Leave it at that.

Djeet

txt or email her letting her know you're thinking of her, and she can contact you if she wants to talk about something (like maybe talk about anything but the miscarriage as she may have had to talk about it a lot and doesn't want to anymore). txt or email so she can read and respond when she wants to.

i'm real sorry for your friend. this kind of thing is a real heartbreaker. when my wife miscarried she did NOT want to talk about it. she did not want to have to tell everyone who knew she was pregnant. the feeling of loss doesn't really compare to anything else i've known. you may not be able to console her, she may just want to withdraw a bit.

she might get some consolation hearing from women who have miscarried (it's not a rare occurrance at all). you keep having this feeling like you did something wrong, but you didn't, it just wasn't meant to happen, and they need to get past that feeling to move past the loss.

i would not contact the husband directly, though if you're talking to him and know that he knows, you could express support. i also wouldn't share this info with anyone such that it might come back through the grapevine to her/her husband (she doesn't need people she doesn't know well, or people she specifically was hoping not to talk to, to call her up and ask after her).

JPArbiter

give her a few days to grieve silently. a Miscarrage can be extremely traumatic for some women. I agree that if you feel you must get your feelings of empathy out, do so via email.

Drez

Hmm now I'm worried I made her feel bad...I didn't think of that, about self-blame. I told her "don't worry, you'll be fine, you're just going through a lot right now-" (she just moved) "-and it's probably just stress...this kind of thing happens."

Meh, did I do something wrong?

Moop

Fallingman wrote: »

I'd probably send her a message saying that if she needs someone to talk to you're there for her and you're thinking of them both. Leave it at that.

I'd agree with this. Anything more, and I think you'd be overstepping your bounds. When people need comfort, they seek it out for themselves. You just have to let her know it's there if she needs it - nothing more.

PirateJon

Drez wrote: »

Hmm now I'm worried I made her feel bad...I didn't think of that, about self-blame. I told her "don't worry, you'll be fine, you're just going through a lot right now-" (she just moved) "-and it's probably just stress...this kind of thing happens."

Meh, did I do something wrong?

Yes, I can see where that may look like a bit of blame to an emotional person. Not your fault, but yeah, insensitive.

I'd stop talking now.

an_alt

I think a card would be better than an email as it's something tangible and would take a few days to arrive. I'd also skip the trip for now.

This probably doesn't need to be said, but don't send a 'Sorry about the miscarriage' card or even a 'deepest sympathy' type thing. Personally, I'd go with a friendship or thinking about you card and don't mention that you feel sorry for her or her loss. Just let her know that you care about her and that you're there for her.