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Mother in Law and the Dope

Lindsay LohanLindsay Lohan Registered User regular
edited October 2007 in Help / Advice Forum
So - here's the issue - I'm going to make it as brief as possible.

Wife's mother lives with us - we decided to combine rents so we'd all have more room. We pay the lion's share of expenses.

Wife just walked out on the balcony earlier to find mother smoking a joint.

Here's the thing:

We have an older couple upstairs - quite conservative - and our landlords are quite religious.
Wifey is finishing her teaching degree - so any blemish (aka dope in the house) could damage her certification process.
We have a 3 year old that she watches every morning for an hour or two before daycare.
She knew moving in that we didn't want pot in the house

I know that some of you are totally ok with the drugs and the weed and such - I'm not. I'm quite against it, definately don't want it in my house (and she knows this) and DEFINATELY not when you are in charge of my kid. How would you approach this? She's an adult, and she has a boyfriend who she can go smoke with if she chooses. The wife is furious.

And please don't come in here just to inform me weed isn't evil, I'm looking for advice handling the situation, my mind about weed is made up.

Lindsay Lohan on

Posts

  • eternalbleternalbl Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    If you can't tolerate weed in the same house as you, there's not much advice to give. Gotta go with the flow on this one. But I'd say if she can't keep weed outta the house, it'd be easiest for you to leave probably. Noone externally has to get involved that way. If you like the place you could tell the landlord or the cops or something and try to get her evicted, but thats pretty lame to do to your relatives.

    eternalbl on
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  • LewishamLewisham Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    You need to further elaborate why the wife's mother is staying with you. That's an arrangement that, for the majority of people, is going to cause some serious friction anyway. I find it hard to believe that you're doing it just for the rent.

    Unfortunately, because it isn't "your roof" you can't run that argument.

    Lewisham on
  • Lindsay LohanLindsay Lohan Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    It was 90% financial - we had a kid and wanted a bigger space, she was in a slummy place that wasn't being kept up by the landlord. The wife was/is back in college so we figured another set of hands around the place would be helpful. All three of us have different schedules so, for example, I only see my wife in the evenings and her mom about a half hour in the morning and an hour at night. Believe it or not, it works out quite well.

    Wife is talking about moving out based solely on this, personally I don't want to jump on that bandwagon yet. I just don't know how to approach the subject with the mother in law. Like "hey, heard the wife caught you with the chronic!"

    Lindsay Lohan on
  • eternalbleternalbl Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    How about 'Look, what you do is your business, but with Wife's situation trying to get into teaching it'd look bad if we got linked to weed. Could you not have it in the house? I don't care if you get baked, I just wanna cover my ass.'

    eternalbl on
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  • CruixCruix Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Herby wrote: »
    It was 90% financial - we had a kid and wanted a bigger space, she was in a slummy place that wasn't being kept up by the landlord. The wife was/is back in college so we figured another set of hands around the place would be helpful. All three of us have different schedules so, for example, I only see my wife in the evenings and her mom about a half hour in the morning and an hour at night. Believe it or not, it works out quite well.

    Wife is talking about moving out based solely on this, personally I don't want to jump on that bandwagon yet. I just don't know how to approach the subject with the mother in law. Like "hey, heard the wife caught you with the chronic!"

    I think the one problem with correcting this issue without moving out is that she presumably knew about your feelings on weed before you all moved in together, correct? Yet she still went and smoked it at your place, knowing the "rules of the house"

    So, what's to say if you just talk to her about it she's not going to break the rules again and just hope she doesn't get caught? It seems like it's as much of a trust thing as a problem with her habit in general.

    Cruix on
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  • The Green Eyed MonsterThe Green Eyed Monster i blame hip hop Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Is she on the lease? If she's not on the lease, you can throw her out whenever you want. Just let her know that if it happens again, she'll have to begin looking for a place to live. Be clear, and make some deadlines and stick to them:

    "If we catch you smoking on this property again, you're going to have two weeks, not a day more, to vacate."

    Then if you catch her, tell her two weeks, and on the 15th day call the cops and put her shit outside. It's not a pleasant situation, but if you feel that strongly about the drug use on your property, then you need to set some guidelines.

    The Green Eyed Monster on
  • LewishamLewisham Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    You live with her, and she's an adult. I think the Mother-In-Law relationship is not really a factor, you need to talk to her like an adult. Tell her what you told us; that it was made clear weed wasn't to be smoked on the premises, and that you have a child which you must take care of. She'll protest she was never putting the kid at risk, and you'll reply with "but it's not your child, it's mine, and it's my responsibility to do all I can to never put him/her in danger".

    She'll understand; whether it changes her ways is another matter. You just need to be assertive.

    Lewisham on
  • CycophantCycophant Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Yeah, this is a shared living situation, so there's no easy way out like making an ultimatum.

    The only logical way I can see this going down is to get you and your wife together and sit down with her some time. Make it clear that it's her decision to use drugs, but you can't support it, and cannot live in the same house if she wishes to continue. I'm not sure how clear you made it that you don't support her smoking weed, but if it was made PAINFULLY clear, you probably have a right to ask her to leave first (note ask, not demand). If it wasn't something you mentioned all that clearly though, really the only option is for you to leave.

    Unless of course she's willing to give it up, which is highly unlikely. But this discussion will give her that option if she feels it's something she can, and wants, to do.

    Cycophant on
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  • DrFrylockDrFrylock Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    1. If you don't want her watching your kid, man up, tell her so, and pay a babysitter.

    2. If you're really, deeply concerned about your place getting raided and you or your wife getting in trouble for your mother in law having drugs in the house, then have her taken off the lease and send her to live elsewhere. If she refuses, tell her you'll call the police. Get another roommate.

    I don't see what's hard or not obvious about this for you. Since you've already established a moral line in the sand, you just need to defend it now.

    DrFrylock on
  • Lindsay LohanLindsay Lohan Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Oh well, you might as well just let this topic die out - I think we'll just see if she's willing to agree to do it outside of the house. Thanks for the input folks - I guess we really need to schedule a block of time to approach the topic.

    Lindsay Lohan on
  • Dropping LoadsDropping Loads Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    celery77 wrote: »
    Is she on the lease? If she's not on the lease, you can throw her out whenever you want.

    This is not always true and is heavily dependent on local ordinances. If this is something you want to pursue as an option (which does not currently seem to be the case) you should consult a lawyer first. Many areas provide free renter's assistance legal aid for situations like this one.

    I live in Berkeley, CA, and was looking into getting an off the lease roommate removed. In Berkeley it turns out if that person pays any share of the rent, they have a right to stay and you (the lessee) can be held accountable to the landlord for illegally subletting. Always check your facts with a lawyer before you pursue a legal action.

    Dropping Loads on
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  • brandotheninjamasterbrandotheninjamaster Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    If I were you, I would just sit the mother-in-law down and lay it out. "Mom we caught you smokin a doobie the other day." I would then spell out just what kinds of consequences her smoking weed in the house will bring about. You said most of them already wife could lose teaching certification, when she watches your kid she could be under the influence thereby hindering her ability to effectively babysit.

    I'm sure your wife has your back on this, and its important that mamma in law knows this. Then I would say, you have a perfectly fine place to "handle your business" (boyfriends). Then I would end my lecture with you smoking the mary-j is not worth the well being of my son/daughter or my wife's career.

    Hopefully she will see the err of her ways and you 3 will go skipping merrily into the sunset. On the "off chance" that, it doesn't happen hopefully then she can be an adult about it and consider others.

    brandotheninjamaster on
  • GoodOmensGoodOmens Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Unless she's a truly horrible mother (which I very much doubt), the fact that her actions might jeopardize her own daughter's career should do the trick. She probably wasn't aware of the consequences of her actions.

    GoodOmens on
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  • deadonthestreetdeadonthestreet Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    In some states, there are statutory provisions where, if a landlord finds drugs in your apartment, they can break their lease and evict you. I dunno about your state, but you can bring this up to her as well.

    deadonthestreet on
  • PirateJonPirateJon Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Herby wrote: »
    Wife just walked out on the balcony earlier to find mother smoking a joint.

    Here's the thing:
    She knew moving in that we didn't want pot in the house

    Apparently she could give a shit what you want. Kick her ass out.

    PirateJon on
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