The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
A question of friendship
Kyougu
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So I have friend, known her for a couple of years. She's not one of my closest of friends, but I definately consider a her a friend. Everything has always been cool with us, but lately I begun to feel unapreciated as a friend, and often as I'm the only one that puts any effort into the friendship.
The reason for this is simple enough. Lately, whenever we talk (mostly through Instant messenger), it just feels like I'm the one that's trying to keep the conversation going. I'll ask her about her day, what she did, how's she doing, random stuff like that. Lots of times it feels like its actual work keeping the conversation going. The few times I decided not to work at the conversation, it'll be silence, until she tells me she has to take off.
That wouldn't bother me too much, only I come to notice that the times we actual converstions is when she wants to complain about something, be it her boyfriend, or general problems. I certainly don't mind being there for her (and in some way I feel it shows that she trusts me talking about that sort of stuff), but it begins to bother me when she doesn't ask how I'm doing, or seem to care how I'm doing. There's been times I wanted to tell her or complain about something in my life, but can't because it just seems like she's not interested. Is a "How's life treating you?" too much to expect. I know people can't be mind readers, and if I have something in my mind, I should come out and say, but I find that hard sometimes.
Basically my question is, am I being overly sensitive? Am I expecting to much of a friendship, specially since to her credit, she has made signs that she values my friendship here and there (Congratulating me/egging me on my weight loss).
The reason for this is simple enough. Lately, whenever we talk (mostly through Instant messenger), it just feels like I'm the one that's trying to keep the conversation going. I'll ask her about her day, what she did, how's she doing, random stuff like that. Lots of times it feels like its actual work keeping the conversation going. The few times I decided not to work at the conversation, it'll be silence, until she tells me she has to take off.
That wouldn't bother me too much, only I come to notice that the times we actual converstions is when she wants to complain about something, be it her boyfriend, or general problems. I certainly don't mind being there for her (and in some way I feel it shows that she trusts me talking about that sort of stuff), but it begins to bother me when she doesn't ask how I'm doing, or seem to care how I'm doing. There's been times I wanted to tell her or complain about something in my life, but can't because it just seems like she's not interested. Is a "How's life treating you?" too much to expect. I know people can't be mind readers, and if I have something in my mind, I should come out and say, but I find that hard sometimes.
Basically my question is, am I being overly sensitive? Am I expecting to much of a friendship, specially since to her credit, she has made signs that she values my friendship here and there (Congratulating me/egging me on my weight loss).
Kyougu on
0
Posts
So basically, i lost a friend. Although in hindsight it is debateable that he really was a friend at all.
If you feel like you're making all the effort to keep the friendship going, and you don't like it, then stop doing something you don't like. As my dad always told me, "the phone works both ways."
You'll run into people like her from time to time. She isn't going to change.
Instant Messanger is very easy to ignore. Unless you're talking about something important, for example when she complains her boyfriend, it's very easy to be distracted and disengage. My interactions with my friends over IM are usually very brief. They look more like segments of conversations because we'll go back and forth over something for a few messages and then just sort of fade off. Even if I'm having a real conversation over IM it's easy for me to get distracted and drift in and out of the conversation.
IM isn't really reliable as a form of communication beyond short chats and a quick means to share information. Sure it's possible to use it to keep in touch, but it's not really engaging enough to rely on it to keep a friendship alive. It's too easy to run in the background. If you want to keep your friendship alive, call her. Or better yet, make plans to do something.
I don't know whether this is what ET meant, but if you call and talk to her, its very hard for her to fall silent. Try playing WoW while you're on the phone
I can say that as the recipient of accusations that "I don't care " or "don't try hard enough", in my situation it said me less inclined to try harder or care more because the implication was that my friendship alone wasn't enough, and I was required to somehow devote extra time and attention to this one person or else.
I was told by a very good friend of mine that she thought I wasn't putting enough effort in. In truth I was pulling away because I was having more fun with other people. She never wanted to go out, she complained a lot, she bitched about other people a lot. She became a total drag, essentially. When we talked about it, I explained that I was just doing new things and when I'd try to initiate these things with her in the past, she'd refused. I tried very hard not to burn any bridges but now I have the distinct impressed she actually hates me.
The straw that broke the camels back was when we both received an invitation from a mutual friend, independently of one another. I said yes, she said no. When I was there I sent her a text message asking if she would be showing up. She took this as an insult, that I'd attended without inviting her along with me. But I was genuinely curious since I had expected her to be there.
So she stopped inviting me to things and I stopped hanging out with her. It's really awful because we still see each other when our mutual friends arrange things and she pretends like I don't exist, an absolute shun. I wish I knew how to remedy this!
My other friend cant. Sometimes I'll throw a "hey how are ya?" his way or he'll throw one my way, but these IMs are months apart, and the conversations are short like "whens your winter break" type conversations. He still cares about me and we are still good friends, he just is a face-to-face type of person in relationships of all kinds. (Phone can be better, but still, not the same)
Des- I had that happen to me almost word from word. Though, instead of trying not to burn the bridge I pretty much told her "look, I cant hang out with you constantly, and I cant deal with you trying to make me feel guilty about it. We're either friends or we're not." We lost touch alittle bit, but I mean we got to an agreement on a good note. She is cool though, I dont know how your friend would react.
Yeah, I gave her that exact line. At least it worked for you. ;-) I was thinking of calling her out of the blue and just asking how she was. Because I do still give a shit. *shrug*
Sorry, I'm totally de-railing.
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!
There's this girl. We dated for like two weeks in 8th grade and became best friends in high school. The last two years especially of high school we probably hung out after school every day if not every other day, as she only lived about a mile down the road. At the end of high school, she and I had this discussion about keeping in touch as we went off to our respective colleges where she expressed that she was very concerned that I would suddenly become "too cool" to talk to her once I left. I assured her that wouldn't be the case.
So we stayed in close contact throughout college. I went to visit her a few times, she came to visit me a few times. We still talked all the time about school, relationships, etc. Whenever our breaks coincided, we hung out like every day at home. She met a guy in her Junior year or so that she got engaged to right after college. The year following graduation, we both lived at home and hung out like we were back in high school, every day or every other day. Then she and her fiancee moved to Cairo, mostly due to his work (no idea what he does, he was an Arabic major at their college and I think he might work for the state department or something).
Once she moved, she basically fell off the face of the planet. This was about a year ago. We stayed in touch solely through my efforts. We only talked when I reached out to her via email or gchat. At one point she informed me that she and her fiancee had decided to forego a big party wedding in favor of something smaller, more family oriented. They were going to have it in New Hampshire, relatively close to me (Boston) but I wasn't expecting to be invited (despite the fact that, for a significant period of my life, her family was like a second family to me).
Then, last weekend, I get a call from my brother asking if I knew she was getting married that weekend (he talks to her brother from time to time). So she a) didn't tell me she was back in the States, and b) didn't tell me she was getting married that weekend. Like I said, I wasn't expecting to be invited but this seemed like a swift kick in the balls from a former best friend who, as it is, already isn't making much of an effort to keep in touch.
Is it even worth trying to maintain this friendship? Has she moved on to the point where I just really don't matter anymore?
I know when friends have mine have moved they've "dropped off the face of the earth" for a little bit, just because it gets so hectic and it's nerve wracking to try to get used to being in a very different place. I'd say keep in touch, but maybe not as much. See if she reaches out to meet you half way.
I would, however, make sure to call her up and wish her well on her wedding and all, tell her you're happy for her and see what they're doing for the wedding. You can ask if she has a bit of time to go hang out before the big day. Right now, she probably didn't call because she's most likely SWAMPED with family after coming home and getting ready and all that.
Just to clarify, she already got married, this past weekend. I found out from my brother on Saturday night.
I congratulated her on her Facebook wall, but it probably came off a bit bitter. I'm on the border right now between writing her an e-mail explaining how my feelings were hurt, or just letting it go until she decides she's interested in talking to me again. I'm leaning towards the latter.