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Apartment-mate issues: What do I do?
Trowizilla
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
The situation: my boyfriend Matt, his friend Chris, and I share a two-bedroom apartment. Matt and I have the master bedroom and one bathroom, Chris has a slightly smaller room with a bathroom across the hall. There is a decidedly large living room/dining room area and a kitchen/breakfast area that we all share. I'm from several states away and could not bring much in the way of furniture, while Chris had an apartment before and so brought his couch, kitchen table, and a couple of chairs.
Here's the issue: Matt and I went out of state to visit my parents for four days, and when we returned, we discovered that Chris had totally re-done the living room and kitchen, bringing in a lot of new furniture and hiding our things in a closet. Instead of our (clean and solid) thrift-store coffee table, we now have an Ikea table, etc. He also took his drinking glasses out of the cabinet and put them in a new, free-standing cabinet in the corner, took our food out of the closet we'd been using as a pantry and put it all in the linen closet, etc. He never said he had an issue with our furniture, and he didn't see fit to tell us that he wanted to re-do everything. Plus, every bit of evidence that there was a girl living there was hidden, particularly a purple afghan of mine that was on the sofa and some pillows.
Matt is a little peeved about this, but I'm very upset. Our apartment doesn't even look like ours anymore, and the fact that he didn't let us know he had this planned. He's very passive-aggressive in general, and I'm feeling very unwanted. Chris is very passive-aggressive and extremely neat, and although Matt and I are not slobs, we occaisionally leave magazines on the coffee table or dishes in the sink for a few hours. Once in a while, we'll find our things piled in a corner, which is very irritating (he never, ever mentions that the clutter bothers him). Additionally, whenever he has a problem with me, he brings it up to Matt. I've asked him several times to speak to me directly, but he won't do it. We're having an Apartment Meeting tonight, but I don't know what to say to him and how to get him to stop acting like I (and to a lesser extent, Matt) don't have a right to live here too.
TL; DR: How do I get my passive-aggressive apartment-mate to stop being so passive aggressive?
Here's the issue: Matt and I went out of state to visit my parents for four days, and when we returned, we discovered that Chris had totally re-done the living room and kitchen, bringing in a lot of new furniture and hiding our things in a closet. Instead of our (clean and solid) thrift-store coffee table, we now have an Ikea table, etc. He also took his drinking glasses out of the cabinet and put them in a new, free-standing cabinet in the corner, took our food out of the closet we'd been using as a pantry and put it all in the linen closet, etc. He never said he had an issue with our furniture, and he didn't see fit to tell us that he wanted to re-do everything. Plus, every bit of evidence that there was a girl living there was hidden, particularly a purple afghan of mine that was on the sofa and some pillows.
Matt is a little peeved about this, but I'm very upset. Our apartment doesn't even look like ours anymore, and the fact that he didn't let us know he had this planned. He's very passive-aggressive in general, and I'm feeling very unwanted. Chris is very passive-aggressive and extremely neat, and although Matt and I are not slobs, we occaisionally leave magazines on the coffee table or dishes in the sink for a few hours. Once in a while, we'll find our things piled in a corner, which is very irritating (he never, ever mentions that the clutter bothers him). Additionally, whenever he has a problem with me, he brings it up to Matt. I've asked him several times to speak to me directly, but he won't do it. We're having an Apartment Meeting tonight, but I don't know what to say to him and how to get him to stop acting like I (and to a lesser extent, Matt) don't have a right to live here too.
TL; DR: How do I get my passive-aggressive apartment-mate to stop being so passive aggressive?
Trowizilla on
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You just got a whole new livingroom as a surprise. Now put your stuff where you want it to be in that new livingroom. And if someone wants to pick up after you, let them!
My old roomates and I would always love it when one of us came home and there way something new and different about the house.
The reason I bring that up is that, right now, you are at an important point in how you decide to handle this which will set the tone for every passive-aggressive behavior that comes out. I'm assuming you are writing this because you would rather talk the issue out then come back to a house where things are changed. If that is the case, (as it was in my situation), you need to make an appointment with you, your boyfriend, and the roommate to establish some house rules. Don't make it a surprise, because that will put him on the defensive. Let him know that you need to have a house meeting sometime in the next week, and be willing to meet at a time that works for everyone.
When you actually meet with him, point out that as a household, no one has the right to do that kind of garbage without first contacting everyone in the house and agreeing to it. Not just for this instance, but because it sets a horrible precedent about what people can get away with. Even if you LOVE what he did to the house, you can't let a precedent like that stand. Then, most importantly, you MUST (all 3 of you together) put everything back the way it was before.
Why? Because he's trying to put a power play on you. If you complain but let him have his way, he won't change. Let him know that in order to function properly as a house, you have to communicate. The next step will certainly be worse, like borrowing stuff of yours and not telling you, or not paying rent. Yes, this does happen. I'm not suggesting he's a bad person, but in my experience he's acting that way because he doesn't think that the things you feel are important are important.
You certainly do have other options, but I think handling the situation this way gives you the best opportunity to have him respect your point of view and shared living space. Then, together, you can remodel to make everyone happier.
TL DR: Stop passive-agressive behavior by taking the situation back to the way it was before the P-A change and making him talk about it. Don't let the P-A change stand.
3clipse: The key to any successful marriage is a good mid-game transition.
3clipse: The key to any successful marriage is a good mid-game transition.
Just so you know: I would guess you feel that way because you probably are unwanted. He might not want you there. Matt is his friend, and he thinks monopolise his time with him, and have brought a female sexualisation to the place that maybe he didn't want. Maybe he wanted to sit around in his underpants with Matt drinking beer and watching Spike TV. Maybe it bugs him that you and Matt are a couple, and he feels like a third wheel. Maybe it frustrates him that he has to watch you kiss/cuddle/show any sort of affection at all.
The one couple + one single person living arrangement never goes smoothly. Someone always feels impinged upon.
Because PAing a PAer always goes well, rather than escalates slowly but surely until someone snaps?
3clipse: The key to any successful marriage is a good mid-game transition.
I would sympathize with this more if he didn't know going in that he'd be living with a couple. It wasn't a case of him and Matt living together and me moving in; we all moved in at the same time, and he and Matt had never lived together before. Plus, we all talked before moving in, and he said he was okay with living with us.
(Besides, if anyone was going to sit around in their underpants and drink beer while watching Spike, it'd be me. Living with Chris definitely forces me to stifle my natural hatred of clothing.)
If it wasn't for exiling your freakin' food, I'd say just respread your gear without saying anything, because redecorating is difficult when there's a bunch of other stuff in the way and so moving the living room gear isn't necessarily bad. What did he put in the cupboard where your food used to be? And isn't there a cupboard in the actual kitchen you can use?
He didn't just exile our movable stuff; he moved our furniture, too.
You seem to think of this as your apartment that he's living in. Is this the situation?
We're all on the lease, and we each pay a third of the rent/utilities. This means Matt and I are paying for the lion's share of the expenses. I think of it as my apartment as much as his and Matt's.
Ok, so, other than "hiding" your stuff, which im sure he told you where it was, whats the problem here? He replaced his shit with newer shit. Thats well within his right to do.
This isnt even worth bringing up. Hes perfectly within his right to put his glasses in a cabinent.
Ok, so he cleans up after you? My roommate does the same thing to me, i appreciate it, becuase rather than freaking out and saying "PICK UP YOUR FUCKING SHIT MAN", he does it for me and piles it all in one spot, so i can pick it up later and organise it back where it goes. Its a way better alternative than say, burning it, or throwing it in the trash. The other alternative would be him calling you out as being lazy slobs, but since it seems like he realises he has a "problem" with needing his house to be spic and span, he just does it when hes on a cleaning spree. You need to relax about this.
Of course not. Who would you complain to, your friend, or her boyfriend? Put yourself in his shoes. Complaining to you does 2 things, it creates drama, and it puts him in a weird position of going behind his friends back to complain to his girlfriend. He probably has a stronger relationship with Matt than he does with you, which is why he feels safe complaining to Matt. He probably does not think that your boyfriend would bring it up to you.
Seriously, it sounds like you already hate this guy, and you just want your hate to be justfied, or are looking for a reason to kick him out. You wonder why he doesnt like you and doesnt want to talk to you? Because you act like this. Unless your boyfriend already has some deep seated underlying hatred for this guy as well, i can almost garauntee hes not pissed off. Most people would be HAPPY if they came home and they had all new furniture and their apartment was rearranged, especially if they didnt pay for any of the old or new furniture, other than a coffee table.
I dont know the guy, but from your post, it doesnt sound like hes passive aggressive at all. Yes he did some things without telling you, but i dont think he needs to explain every little decision he makes beforehand. The thing you need to remember in this situation is youre not his mother, youre not the den mother, and while you have a say over things that go on in your apartment, not everything needs to be run by you first for approval unless youre paying 100% of the rent. If you feel any other way, or you feel any sort of special entitlement to any part of the apartment what so ever, aside from your personal room, you are wrong.
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Putting all of that personality analysis aside, you still need to chat with him about where you're going to put your stuff now. Putting it all back without telling him when you are pissed over him doing exactly that is a bit hypocritical. And at the same time, you might get some insight into his motive. Just don't make things out to be a bigger deal than they really are--the last thing you want is to have is a dragged-out, drama-ridden spitefest on your hands.
A guy replaces his furniture and your 'thrift store' furniture with new stuff, redecorates the living area, and it doesn't cost you a dime. He then goes on to clean up the crap you left lying around and puts it all in 1 place for you do do with as you want, and you are complaining? The house doesn't look like a hobos squat with second hand furniture and crap lying everywhere? Thats just terrible. He can actually have people come to the house now and not be embarrased at the state of it! Outrageous!
Ever consider that he just thought, "Hey, maybe while they are away I'll get some new furniture and clean the place up. Make it look good. They'll be surprised at how good the place looks when they get back". Sounds like the passive-aggressive behavior isn't coming from him at all....
Sounds to me like he has tried to do something nice, and you are annoyed that you aren't informed of every little decision he makes. Control issues much?
Dongpuller: Matt thinks Chris is passive-aggressive too, but neither of us know what to do about it. We're both annoyed that he staged a coup pretty much the moment we left to go visit my parents.
Zeon was presenting a rational explanation. You're being a douche. Simmer down. Not everyone in this thread is here to say that you're right.
Great way to start off by calling some guy a asshole because he disagrees with you.
I'm confused here, in your first post you said he moved the glasses to a cabinet in the corner. How is that not accessible? It sounds to me he just wanted to make them look decorative when some one wasn't using them.
Did you even ask him prior to trying to find it? Not everyone realizes that what their doing may offend some one.
Apparently you do bite when some one disagrees with you.
About sums the situation up I'd say.....
You are a douche with control issues.
There are 3 people living in the house. He pays 1 third of the rent because he is 1 third of the occupants of the house, in case you missed how that whole thing works.
Agreed, the amount you seemed to jump at Zeon did not seem to correlate how much he deserves it. Do you think the room mate could think that this could happen to him too?
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See, this here. When you use phrases like "staged a coup," or "exile our... stuff," you are loading the situation against him, as if this was a deliberate, malicious act against the two of you. Who knows? He might have wanted to do something nice for everyone and went about it in a roundabout way.
But I seriously doubt he's trying to fuck with both of you. If that was the plan, the apartment would be the same as it was before, and you would have Preparation H in your toothpaste.
This is true. I mean, he seems pretty presumptuous, but OTOH I've randomly upgraded most of the furniture in the public areas of my flat without telling the flatmates first (although I dare say the word upgrade doesn't really apply to replacing two beanbags with an actual couch :P). And one of my flatmates keeps storing all her food and cooking gear out on the benches instead of in the myriad cupboards we have, so I do move things that are plainly getting in everyone's way. If I was evil, I'd be doing things like gathering up all the hair she leaves around the bathroom sink and moving it to her pillow, but tidying the kitchen really isn't on the same level. But hey, they move my stuff around, and she's appropriated the one remaining beanbag (mine) for her room and I don't care. There's got to be a little give and take, and so long as he stays out of your actual room its not a huuuuge deal.
I somehow missed this quote, but I think its extremely important. I've seen the couple + another person living together several times and every time its fallen apart because the couple basically makes every single decision based on your reasoning and the third person gets pissed off because they basically have no control since they only pay 1/3 of the rent.
I missed it too.
Oh dear. "Matt and my two-thirds". That's horrible.
You or Your BF: Hey, how ya doin?
Roommate: I had a crappy day at work blah blah.
You or Your BF: Wow that really sucks I dealt with a similar situation blah blah.
You or Your BF: Hey, just out of curiosity why the sudden inspiration to change the decor of the house?
Roommate: blah blah {Sheds light on the subject}
You or Your BF: One last thing how come you shoved our stuff in a closet? You weren't trying to be a dick were ya?
Roommate: No, I was just moving stuff so I could realize my full vision, I'm sorry if you feel insulted.
I guess in a nutshell, be sincere and not quick to take insult or point fingers. If he is a rational human being he hopefully will do the same too. Good Luck.
I wouldn't be so pissed about it if it wasn't part of a larger pattern, and if Matt and I hadn't been so careful to make sure to ask him before we did anything involving the common areas. Even if it was things like Matt putting in a dvd stand, we asked if it was okay. To come home without warning and having everything rearranged, all of my stuff and most of Matt's (including things that belong in the living room, not just clutter) hidden, and no explanation was pretty jarring. Part of the problem is that he's done bad-roommate stuff before (like eating my food and not replacing it, stuff like that) and, while a lot of it is not major, the recurring nature of it is pretty frustrating. Plus, it's very annoying to be treated like an appendage of Matt's. We're a couple, but if Chris has a problem with me and brings it up to Matt instead, it feels like he doesn't really see me as a full roommate with as much of a share in the common situation as he does.
He did move more of our furniture, and none of our stuff was actually on his furniture at all (except for the afghan and pillows, and he'd previously said they were okay on the couch.)
Unless you want to look like a bitch, don't even think about saying that. In fact, if you seriously think like that, you have a BIG problem. No matter how close you and your bf might be, you are not joined at the hip, nor eat for one. You share one room(and bed I take it) cause you guys are a couple, but that doesn't entitle you to feel self righteous.
And as for the room mate thing..it's really hard to say, because as others have noted, the RM could have honestly done all he did without trying to be passive aggressive. I know I would probably do something like that if I had the money. Maybe it was a spurt of the moment thing? He went to ikea to pick up something and went a little crazy.
Dont forget that you are all paying an equal share here. It isnt 2/3 vs 1/3. In fact, considering you and your bf are likely to team up on most decisions involving the house, you may even want to consider that from his standpoint he is even less than equal. This makes couple +1 living arrangements difficult in a lot of cases.
Maybe Chris was fine with this before you moved in, but I'm sure living with a couple over time can start to get to a guy. Constantly seeing you two cuddle, behave affectionately, kiss, etc. can get to a person. Plus, your apartment situation is him + a couple, not him + Matt + you. Like Cryogen said, it isn't 2/3, it's 1/3, but with you and Matt dating you're more likely to team up on issues and I bet Chris knows it. If Chris doesn't like a piece of your furniture in the living room and would like to replace it with something else, he's not so likely to have Matt on his side; just one example of 2/3. You're his friend's girlfriend, and while sure you may be friends, that friendship would likely not exist if not for Matt and is more likely to cease to exist if you and Matt break up. He's probably more uncomfortable now than he was in the beginning, or thought he would be.
Yes, it wasn't cool for him to move all your stuff around and replace it with his stuff. Staging a "Apartment Meeting" with the purpose of blasting him for all this is going to stir things up, especially if you go at this from an accusatory stance. As for putting your books, magazines and video games in piles and moving them off to the side, well maybe he likes a clean place and he didn't want to be the roommate who's always on your ass about leaving stuff around? Maybe that's why he's passive aggressive: he wants to deal with his problems without confronting you and making things even more uncomfortable than they already are.
edit: in regards to the glasses he moved: they're in a cabinet now as opposed to where they were before you left. Unless the cabinet's locked or in his room ( I believe you said it was in a corner) than his glasses are still accessible to you. Why can't he move his glasses? If you all share dishware, how does his moving his belongings which he doesn't have to share with you to another location you can access translate into something bad enough to mention along with the bigger things like moving your stuff?
I don't know if that's what's going on, but even if it is that kind of insecurity and jealousy is not something to be coddled.
Gah, I wrote the "2/3 vs. 1/3" thing wrong. What I meant was, I'd like to be considered as much of a part of the household as he is and Matt is. The way it is now, it feels like he considers it 1/2 (him) and 1/2 (Matt), with me as an extra without a voting share, instead of 1/3 Matt, 1/3 me (and thus 2/3 Matt + me), and 1/3 him. And the "Apartment Meeting" wasn't really to blast him; it was more to ask why he did all this without letting us know first.
I don't think him possibly being uncomfortable with sharing an apartment with a couple is really something I can do anything about. He knew we were a couple before we all agreed to live together, and he had seen us being couple-y a lot back then, too.
He's bringing the cabinet into his bedroom, which is why I mentioned the glasses thing. It's not that big a deal, but it's annoying that he agreed to have kitchenware in common and then apparently changed his mind without telling us. Really, the biggest problem isn't the new furniture or the moving our stuff, it's that he doesn't tell us (and me in particular) when he's got a problem with something, he just sulks or changes things on the sly.
Moving the food is a little weird though, I guess, but that whole pantry/cupboard thing lost me completely. Just ask him if you mind putting X, Y, Z, back the way it was because you find it easier, maybe?
Also, he skipped on the meeting tonight, even though he agreed to it in an email. Very frustrating.
I'm really direct and it was hard for me to live with super P-A girls last year. I can sympathize, even if everyone else thinks what he did wasn't that big of a deal. It can definitely be extremely difficult to live with someone being passive-agressive day after day. Sorry your situation sucks.:|
The important issue is that it was all done without prior communication. It doesn't matter how great of friends you are if you don't work on your communication. Even if you were living only with your significant other, someone you love and are willing to work with, things fall apart if you don't communicate, and it's that much harder in a situation with three people.
If he was just trying to improve the home, as many of the "stealth rearrangers" posting here suggest, talking to him about it wont be a big deal at all. If he does have an issue with open communication, that's a serious problem that will affect how easy it is for you to live together and is something you will need to work on.
Keeping these two issues separate should help clarify the situation.
3clipse: The key to any successful marriage is a good mid-game transition.