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Jokes! Science Jokes!
Peter Principle
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I need new science jokes to impress friends, family and coworkers.
Here are the ones I've already beaten into the ground:
1) A neutron walks into a bar and says "How much for a beer?" The bartender says "For you, no charge."
2) A ligase and a ribozyme are sitting around talking. The ribozyme says "So what have you been up to lately?" The ligase responds "Oh not much, just making ends meet."
3) Two geology grad students are sitting around talking. The first one says "Yeah, I found this mammoth bone on my field camp. It's 50,002 years old." The second one asks "Fifty thousand and two? How'd you get such an exact number?" He responds "Well, I brought it back and we dated it to 50,000 years old...and that was two years ago!"
Any more are greatly appreciated. The shorter the better!
Oh, and I've heard that one about the oxygen atom losing an electron "Are you sure?" "Positive!" but IMHO that joke sucks. So if you can perhaps punch that one up for me, much obliged.
Here are the ones I've already beaten into the ground:
1) A neutron walks into a bar and says "How much for a beer?" The bartender says "For you, no charge."
2) A ligase and a ribozyme are sitting around talking. The ribozyme says "So what have you been up to lately?" The ligase responds "Oh not much, just making ends meet."
3) Two geology grad students are sitting around talking. The first one says "Yeah, I found this mammoth bone on my field camp. It's 50,002 years old." The second one asks "Fifty thousand and two? How'd you get such an exact number?" He responds "Well, I brought it back and we dated it to 50,000 years old...and that was two years ago!"
Any more are greatly appreciated. The shorter the better!
Oh, and I've heard that one about the oxygen atom losing an electron "Are you sure?" "Positive!" but IMHO that joke sucks. So if you can perhaps punch that one up for me, much obliged.
"A man is likely to mind his own business when it is worth minding. When it is not, he takes his mind off his own meaningless affairs by minding other people's business." - Eric Hoffer, _The True Believer_
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Did you hear about the guy who collected stamps of fruitflies?
He was drosophilatelic.
Two atoms are walking down the street, when one stops and yells "I think I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" asks the other. "Yes, I'm posistive!"
Satans..... hints.....
He lost his mew
I wish I was your derivative so I could be tangent to all your curves.
Want to go back to my place and measure the rate of change in a natural log?
Gravity is a law. Lawbreakers will be brought down!
Q: Does light have mass?
A: Of course not. It's not even Catholic!!!
Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says, "No, but I know where I am."
Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
A: "You may have graduated but I've got many degrees"
Reminds me of the Humorbot 5.0 bit from Futurama.
"Supercollider? I hardly know her!
And then they built the supercollider. You've been a great audience."
Fuck you, buddy.
A group of sinus functions are sitting together, having a blast , a cosinus function comes by and asks if it can join. Answers one of the sinus functions: "Sure, but only if you integrate yourself."
I hope the meaning is the same as in german.
"Square root of -1/64."
Noah was pretty confused but he did it anyway, and sure enough, they reproduced right after he had built it for them. Very curious, he insisted that the snakes tell him why he had to build it.
"Well, you see, we're Adders, so we can only multiply on a table of logs."
I prefer the shirt someone had:
Gneiss Chert
I think I spelled that right.
Jordan of Elienor, Human Shaman
I wish I were Helicase, so I could unzip your genes.
-When he had the time, he didn't have the energy
-When the moment was right, he couldn't figure out the position...
Two electrons are sitting on a bench. Another electron comes walking by and says "Hello...can I come sit with you?" to which the electrons reply "Don't be silly, we aren't Bosons..."
If you ever need to talk to someone, feel free to message me. Yes, that includes you.
That's the best joke ever.
I hate you for making me say that out loud.
So, we were all sitting around playing Puerto Rico one night, talking about random stupid things, and one of the players announced that breeders had finally crossed a Dachshund with a Great Dane. To which I replied "...and they got (Great Dane)(Dachshund) sin(theta)!"
There were crickets. And then someone punched me.
I love that joke, though I tell it as "What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?"
A scientist invented a machine to visit parallel worlds, and one day when he did so he ended up in a universe inhabited by sentient numbers; there's a 2/3 playing on a swing, watched over by a 10/3, who is sitting on a bench next to a SQRT(10). The scientist walks up to the first number he sees doing nothing in particular, a 7/4, and asks him all about the world and they have a very enlightening conversation. Turning around, he sees a SQRT(2) so he wanders over to ask him about this world too, and while he sees the tiny mouth on the SQRT(2) moving, he can't hear any of the words coming out. Nevertheless, he thanks the SQRT(2) for its time and goes back to 7/4 to ask why he can speak to him, but he couldn't hear SQRT(2).
GET OFF THE STAGE!
Similarly bad:
Why do computer scientists confuse Halloween and Christmas?
We just made a triple science joke.
Also, I love Ferrous Wheel.
I always use "elephant" and "banana", but the opportunity was just too good to pass up.
A pair of behavioral psychologists decide to perform a series of tests on an engineer and a mathematician. They (the psychologists) decide to test their ability to perform simple tasks, so they fill a kettle with a quantity of water, put it on top of a stove, and tell both of the subjects to boil the water. Predictably enough, both of them turn the stovetop on and wait. So the psychologists decide to introduce an added complication to the problem. Rather than putting the kettle on the stove, they put it on the floor. The engineer walks into the room, picks up the kettle, puts it on the heat, and walks away. The mathematician walks in, looks at the kettle, looks at the stove, and walks back out. The psychologists are baffled, so they ask him exactly what he was thinking. He replies "the problem reduces down to a previously solved one."
i/8
say it out loud.
Warning: Huge.
I laughed out loud at the last panel, despite being an engineering major myself. The whole thing is just uncannily accurate.
Oculus: TheBigDookie | XBL: Dook | NNID: BigDookie
That just... wow... that happened to me way too much. And I was a fecking engineering major. Wow.
He thought his coffee cup was a doughnut.
Also, I spent forever thinking the answer to the Thanksgiving one was i*8^-1 and couldn't get it.
3clipse: The key to any successful marriage is a good mid-game transition.
Oculus: TheBigDookie | XBL: Dook | NNID: BigDookie
ugh
What?
Oculus: TheBigDookie | XBL: Dook | NNID: BigDookie
According to others however, that computer science joke is brilliant
mew = \mu = coefficient of friction.
Fission chips!
Outstanding!