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Dirty Jobs
Gosling
Looking Up Soccer In Mongolia Right Now, ProbablyWatertown, WIRegistered User regular
Looking Up Soccer In Mongolia Right Now, ProbablyWatertown, WIRegistered User regular
My name's Mike Rowe... and this is my job.
I explore the gaming universe looking for characters who aren't afraid to get dirty. Hardworking pixels and polygons who earn an honest living doing the kinds of jobs that make civilized life possible for the rest of us.
Now, get ready to get dirty.
The premise? Simple enough. Find Mike Rowe a dirty gaming job. Character, game, and what the job is. Preferably, toss in something about why this job is crucial to Western civilization and, for extra credit, depict Mike attempting the job. I believe I'll start with the obvious one.
Mike: I'm in the Mushroom Kingdom here with Mario. Mario's a plumber and... you have a second job, what's the job title again?
Mario: I'm-a turtle stomper.
Mike: He's a turtle stomper. We're gonna go stomp turtles.
Mario: Mama mia! You have to do-a the plumbing first!
Mike: All right, and we're standing next to the second-biggest pipe I've ever seen, and I assume it needs plumbing.
Mario: Woo hoo!
Mike: What's the first step?
(Mario jumps in the pipe)
Mike: Oh, this is gonna be a good day.
VO: The Mushroom Kingdom uses pipes as transportation. Keeping them clean is absolutely essential so that diseases don't carry from one part of the kingdom to another.
Mike: Okay, we're in the pipe, and we have this blockage here, and I'm going to hope this is dirt, but I'm not getting those hopes up too high.
Mario: It's-a mushroom poop.
Mike: Mario, I've seen cow poo, pig poo, goat poo, chicken poo, bird poo, every kind of poo you can imagine, but... mushroom poo is a first. Where do they put it all?
Mario: Right-a here.
Mike: Now how do we get rid of it?
Mario: We use-a this. (pulls out fire flower, incinirates poo)
Mike: Of course. We burn the poo with a flower. Can't believe I didn't think of it.
(Cut to Mike getting weak flame from fire flower, when a Koopa passes by. Mario drops the flower and stomps on the Koopa)
Mike: Hey, Mario! What about the poo?
Mario: We're-a turtle stomping now!
Mike: Hey, Mike, you idiot, put down the flower and stop burning your poo. You have to go stomp the turtle. You gotta keep up!
VO: Turtles known as Koopas infest the pipes, as well as many other places in the kingdom. Unless they're stomped, they'll overrun and eventually conquer the population. It's also a dirty job.
Mike: Seems simple enough. I got this one. (misses turtle, is touched. He immediately falls down.)
Mario: Mama mia! You have to stomp on them from above! Not from-a the front!
Mike: Yeah. Above. Found that out. (stomps on turtle, which goes into the shell and leaves some residue) What's this stuff!
Mario: It's stressful on the turtles. That's turtle puke.
Mike: So you hop into a pipe, burn mushroom poop with a flower and then get puked on by turtles... you're a dirty, dirty man.
Mario: Oh, this is nothing compared to the mess-a the Goombas leave.
And now, your turn.
I explore the gaming universe looking for characters who aren't afraid to get dirty. Hardworking pixels and polygons who earn an honest living doing the kinds of jobs that make civilized life possible for the rest of us.
Now, get ready to get dirty.
The premise? Simple enough. Find Mike Rowe a dirty gaming job. Character, game, and what the job is. Preferably, toss in something about why this job is crucial to Western civilization and, for extra credit, depict Mike attempting the job. I believe I'll start with the obvious one.
Mike: I'm in the Mushroom Kingdom here with Mario. Mario's a plumber and... you have a second job, what's the job title again?
Mario: I'm-a turtle stomper.
Mike: He's a turtle stomper. We're gonna go stomp turtles.
Mario: Mama mia! You have to do-a the plumbing first!
Mike: All right, and we're standing next to the second-biggest pipe I've ever seen, and I assume it needs plumbing.
Mario: Woo hoo!
Mike: What's the first step?
(Mario jumps in the pipe)
Mike: Oh, this is gonna be a good day.
VO: The Mushroom Kingdom uses pipes as transportation. Keeping them clean is absolutely essential so that diseases don't carry from one part of the kingdom to another.
Mike: Okay, we're in the pipe, and we have this blockage here, and I'm going to hope this is dirt, but I'm not getting those hopes up too high.
Mario: It's-a mushroom poop.
Mike: Mario, I've seen cow poo, pig poo, goat poo, chicken poo, bird poo, every kind of poo you can imagine, but... mushroom poo is a first. Where do they put it all?
Mario: Right-a here.
Mike: Now how do we get rid of it?
Mario: We use-a this. (pulls out fire flower, incinirates poo)
Mike: Of course. We burn the poo with a flower. Can't believe I didn't think of it.
(Cut to Mike getting weak flame from fire flower, when a Koopa passes by. Mario drops the flower and stomps on the Koopa)
Mike: Hey, Mario! What about the poo?
Mario: We're-a turtle stomping now!
Mike: Hey, Mike, you idiot, put down the flower and stop burning your poo. You have to go stomp the turtle. You gotta keep up!
VO: Turtles known as Koopas infest the pipes, as well as many other places in the kingdom. Unless they're stomped, they'll overrun and eventually conquer the population. It's also a dirty job.
Mike: Seems simple enough. I got this one. (misses turtle, is touched. He immediately falls down.)
Mario: Mama mia! You have to stomp on them from above! Not from-a the front!
Mike: Yeah. Above. Found that out. (stomps on turtle, which goes into the shell and leaves some residue) What's this stuff!
Mario: It's stressful on the turtles. That's turtle puke.
Mike: So you hop into a pipe, burn mushroom poop with a flower and then get puked on by turtles... you're a dirty, dirty man.
Mario: Oh, this is nothing compared to the mess-a the Goombas leave.
And now, your turn.
I have a new soccer blog The Minnow Tank. Reading it psychically kicks Sepp Blatter in the bean bag.
Gosling on
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christ.
i think the premise for this thread could be glorious. i'll think up one later.
most of all, most of all
someone said true love was dead
but i'm bound to fall
bound to fall for you
oh what can i do
Azulan Saul Tigh
I explore the internets looking for characters who aren't afraid to get dirty. Hardworking bits & bits who earn an honest living doing the kinds of jobs that make civilized life possible for the rest of us.
Now, get ready to get dirty.
___________
Mike: Today I'm at the Penny Arcade forums with Monoxide, a moderator here. Mono, which forum do you moderate?
O: I moderate Games & Technology.
Mike: And what does that entail?
O: I clean up shit.
Mike: Anything else?
O: I clean up shit.
Mike: Hokay. So in a typical day, how much shit do you clean up?
O: Well, do you see these?
Mike: Yes.
O: They're called "threads". They're worthless. All of them. What I like to do is lock 'em. I lock 'em all tight.
Mike: And what does this accomplish?
O: Well, nothing really. But when I leave them open they tend to fill with shit.
Mike: Can I try locking one?
O: Here, try this one titled "[Poll]Late to the Party: Let's Play! Mario Party 8".
Mike: The smell is AWFUL! How can you do this all day?
O: I pretty much self medicate.
Am I doing this right?
The Sixth Annual Triwizard Drinking Tournament Part 1 |
Pokecrawl Episode 4: The Power Of One!
Portalflip
Pokemon X: Atlus | 3539-8807-3813
Little Sister Tiffany (LST): Mr. Bubbles?
Mike: ...No i'm Mike. Tiffany is a little sister. So, what is it you do here in Rapture?
LST: I see angels
Mike: Really? From the looks of things I would have guessed your a crime scene clean up team or a plumber, if your not a plumber, I could at least put in a word with another fellow I know.
*THUMP*
Mike: Is this place safe?
LST: Ham and jamies
Mike: Of course... I suppose that should have been obvious, really (casts odd glance at camera man)
*THUMP*
Mike: Seriously though, is this place stable?
LST: Mr. B!
Mr. B: MWRROOOORRROOOOO
Mike: Tell me he's you're shift manager...
LST: Get Him Mr. B!!
Mike: So, uhh... nice suit. What is your name, sir?
Man: ...
Mike: Yeah. So, uhh... what do you JESUS FUCK WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!!
Man: ...
Mike: That thing almost grabbed onto your face, and you beat it to death with a crowbar?!? What the hell was that? TELL ME!!
Man: ...
VO: Despite the fact that he seemed disinterested in anything I had to say, I followed him further. The man was splattered in alien blood and gunk from his crowbar driven encounter, so he seemed like a person who fits the bill for my show.
Mike: Okay, we have just slid down a slide covered in muck and bile and landed in a pile of half eaten corpses filled with larvae. Umm, why the fuck did you just hit that coocoon? Jesus, is that a maggot ridden corpse that just fell out like some sort of grim pinata?
Man: ...
Mike: Seriously, you need to talk to me. WHY THE FUCK WON'T YOU TALK TO ME?!? I AM SCARED OUT MY MIND... THIS ISN'T DIRTY, THIS IS WRONG, AND YOU ARE LOUSY FUCKING COMPANY... umm, where are you going, and why are you going so fast? I can't run that fast, I don't have a supersuit... and what is that noise? Jesus! It's coming right for me!!! AAAAAAA....
Different VO: Tune in next week, where we find a new host to get dirty in the world of videogames!
And now, your turn.
Let's play Mario Kart or something...
Serious Business™ only, please.
But
my god
we also talk about other random shit and clown upon each other
Mike: So do all the balls you roll up turn into stardust?
KoaC: Ball... The word "ball" does not express the glory of rolling the katamari!
Mike: Oh, I'm sorry, "katamari."
KoaC: Where were We?
Mike: We were--
KoaC (interrupting): Oh yes! We remember! We were talking about stardust! We only turn a katamari into stardust if it is too meager to turn into a star! Only when the loutish Prince is too lazy to roll a katamari of adequate size for our Royal Fans do we turn it into stardust!
Mike: So if the kata--
KoaC (interrupting again): Our Royal Fans have standards, you see.
Mike: So what do you do if you can't turn a katamari into stardust?
KoaC: We do not expect much. We are a merciful King! If the Prince is too indolent to create even a mediocre katamari, then it is the Prince's job to clean it up for re-use, you see. Recycling is popular among Our younger fans!
(cuts over to the Prince who is using a gigantic squeegee to pull off various squarish cows and bears and people)
Mike: Well, that doesn't look too bad.
KoaC: Yes, but the katamari can get very heavy. So very heavy. And the first things our lethargic Prince picks up get smooshed together. They get cozy, you see! Rolling the katamari is about unity and coming together and coalescing!
(cuts back over to the Prince, who has worked off the top layer of mostly whole objects and animals and is now busily scraping off a brownish-pink coating of... stuff... clods of dirt, body parts of crushed chickens, bits of Japanese candy, the occasional Cousin of All Cosmos flattened and covered in mud and chewing gum...)
Mike: Ew...
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.