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Online Dating?

Professor SnugglesworthProfessor Snugglesworth Registered User regular
edited October 2007 in Help / Advice Forum
Believe me when I tell you that I've had reservations about requesting dating advice from a gaming forum, but what the hell.

I've made several attempts at registering in online dating sites to see if I could meet someone in person, but hundreds of messages later I've made no real progress. I've registered at several sites, put up a basic profile with a few pics and a few kind words (nothing like "LOL Sup bitches hook me up for teh sex", it's all legible and polite), talked with lots of girls with smoking hot pictures, but they're either trying to scam me or just like to flirt online.

So let me just tell you the sites I've tried out.

1. Webdate:

Pros: Free to send e-mails and instant messaging, tells you who's online or not.

Cons: Very little activity, very few attractive profiles, online and offline.

2. Fling: (NSFW)

Pros: A site where swingers and sex-starved people can e-mail, videochat, or IM other people, as well as post nude photos. Sounds too good to be true....

Cons: Because 99% of the "naked, desperately lonely and horny" girls online will scam you with a bit of small talk followed by rapid posts of "Come see my webcam at *****" or "I have to go to work, but check out my profile at ****, it requires a credit card but it's totally free baby".

And the very few girls who ARE legit are perfectly content with flashing themselves on the videochat, but have no interest in actually meeting face to face. All in all, the site's a cocktease in every sense of the word.

3. Myspace:

Pros: One of the largest online communities out there, and certainly the most recognized by the general public. 100% free

Cons: I've sent so many hundreds of messages with a simple "Want to chat online?" greeting that I've saved it into a .doc file to copy and paste on a daily basis. Out of a thousand, one or two "might" want to talk to you, but it usually never goes beyond that. And like Fling, most of the super sexy Myspace profiles are cam whores who are content to post their pics online and ignore all messages sent their way. If anyone has actually succeeded in meeting someone in Myspace, I would love to hear how they pulled it off.

Also, their search system fails for not having an "Online Now" option.

There's a couple of others, but they have about the same cons as these primary three. Anyone here know of any online dating sites (has to be free) with legitimate users who are actually interested in meeting face to face?

And please no "go outdoors and meet a girl the old fashioned way" responses, because I do keep an open eye at work or anywhere else. I'm not a fan of the clubbing scene as it's too noisy and is only truly enjoyable to those who drink heavily or dance professionally (of which I am neither). I'm more of a "dinner and movie" kind of guy who prefers privacy and meaningful dialog (and silently hoping it all leads to sex). That's why I feel online chatting is the way to go (despite the failed results).

Professor Snugglesworth on
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    DecadenceDecadence __BANNED USERS regular
    edited October 2007
    I'm more of a "dinner and movie" kind of guy who prefers privacy and meaningful dialog (and silently hoping it all leads to sex)

    Perhaps that is your problem right there.

    Decadence on
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    Professor SnugglesworthProfessor Snugglesworth Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    That was merely referencing the standard male needs. Trust me, I show immaculate patience around women, never giving them the impression I just want a quick fling or whatnot.

    Of course, when said person's profile claim they only want a quick fling, the conversations become a bit more difficult there. Point is I always play it courteous and cool no matter what the person appears to be on the surface.

    Professor Snugglesworth on
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    noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    talked with lots of girls with smoking hot pictures, but they're either trying to scam me or just like to flirt online.

    Or maybe it's this.

    It struck me by your post that you aren't looking for someone to 'date'. You're looking for someone to hook up with. I mean, I don't think I have to tell you that there's always going to be more guys than girls in any dating site, so already odds are against you. If you focus solely on the "hot" girls, the odds become a hell a lot worse. If you send them a "want to chat" line, then your odds continue to decrease.

    If you're just looking for sex, then go to craigslist. They have a whole casual encounter slab.

    If you're looking to actually meet someone to date and take things futher with...

    Craiglist isn't as bad as people make it out to be. Search thorug the ads, and maybe put one up yourself.

    Okcupid worked for me, as I met the girl I'm currently seeing thorugh that. Of course, I contacted her because we had things in common, and sent a more original line than the one you got going.

    noir_blood on
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    DecadenceDecadence __BANNED USERS regular
    edited October 2007
    That was merely referencing the standard male needs. Trust me, I show immaculate patience around women, never giving them the impression I just want a quick fling or whatnot.

    Of course, when said person's profile claim they only want a quick fling, the conversations become a bit more difficult there. Point is I always play it courteous and cool no matter what the person appears to be on the surface.

    What I meant was that, it sounds like you see sex as the end result, and the girl as the means to getting that end result. It's your whole perspective that is screwed up a little - this is all reinforced with your remark regarding "standard male needs".

    Decadence on
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    KyouguKyougu Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    From your OP, it seems you're definately interested in looks. Nothing wrong with that, but just something to keep in mind, is that if you're attracted to a picture in a profile, chances are that hundreds of other guys are too. So you really need to stand out.
    Also, I wouldn't use myspace for dating. Just because I know tons of girls who get annoyed when just random guys mail them out of nowhere.
    If you are looking for online sites, try either craiglist, or okcupid.

    Kyougu on
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    SpeakeasySpeakeasy Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    I've had some hits with plentyoffish.com. I want what you want, pretty much (someone to hang out with and occasionally get your rocks off), and it's come my way thanks to that site...met a handful of girls and did my thing, and while nothing came out of it, I had a fun time. It's free to join too, so that's always good. I know I sound like a shill for the site, but whatever. It has treated me well, especially for only having been signed up for 3 months or so.

    YMMV of course.

    Speakeasy on
    smokeco3.jpg
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    Professor SnugglesworthProfessor Snugglesworth Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    noir_blood wrote: »
    talked with lots of girls with smoking hot pictures, but they're either trying to scam me or just like to flirt online.

    Or maybe it's this.

    It struck me by your post that you aren't looking for someone to 'date'. You're looking for someone to hook up with. I mean, I don't think I have to tell you that there's always going to be more guys than girls in any dating site, so already odds are against you. If you focus solely on the "hot" girls, the odds become a hell a lot worse. If you send them a "want to chat" line, then your odds continue to decrease.

    If you're just looking for sex, then go to craigslist. They have a whole casual encounter slab.

    If you're looking to actually meet someone to date and take things futher with...

    Craiglist isn't as bad as people make it out to be. Search thorug the ads, and maybe put one up yourself.

    Okcupid worked for me, as I met the girl I'm currently seeing thorugh that. Of course, I contacted her because we had things in common, and sent a more original line than the one you got going.

    Basically, I'm happy with both. Of course I would prefer a meaningful relationship where the girl is not only attractive, but actually interesting and fun to hang out with over a "quick fling" with someone who might be hot but is basically incompatible, but I try my luck with both, and keep my dialog in check when applicable.

    I used Craiglist a couple of times to sell furniture, but I wasn't aware it was also a personals ad. I would need pictures though, since....
    Kyougu wrote: »
    From your OP, it seems you're definately interested in looks. Nothing wrong with that, but just something to keep in mind, is that if you're attracted to a picture in a profile, chances are that hundreds of other guys are too. So you really need to stand out.
    Also, I wouldn't use myspace for dating. Just because I know tons of girls who get annoyed when just random guys mail them out of nowhere.
    If you are looking for online sites, try either craiglist, or okcupid.

    Yes, looks are important for me. No, she doesn't have to be a smoking knockout with massive knockers and a thong, because I go for the cute and slightly nerdy girls too. I'm a bit picky but not that picky. But it's funny that you mention okcupid, because I've yet to see any moderately attractive girls in that site (and the ones that are have a ball busting profile that says things like "I don't play no games so don't fuck with me, I don't smile and I like to cut myself").

    If Myspace users hate random messages from guys, then why even advertise themselves like that? When I see someone post pics of themselves in thongs and bras, it makes it sound like they want the attention, but if they refuse to answer any messages at all, even the sincere ones that I send out, what's the point?

    Professor Snugglesworth on
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    Mmmm... Cocks...Mmmm... Cocks... Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    A friend of mine would get plenty of dates from myspace (he's gay though...)
    And I met my girlfriend that way. ( though she messaged me...)

    Mmmm... Cocks... on
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    DecadenceDecadence __BANNED USERS regular
    edited October 2007
    If Myspace users hate random messages from guys, then why even advertise themselves like that? When I see someone post pics of themselves in thongs and bras, it makes it sound like they want the attention, but if they refuse to answer any messages at all, even the sincere ones that I send out, what's the point?

    The reason is simple: ego-stroking.

    When a girl puts on a nice dress and goes out on public, do you automatically make the assumption that she wants to hook up with someone? I mean, does it not occur to you that she just likes feeling good about looking good, and being the center of attention?

    That is not to say that MySpace is terrible for dating. In a sense, it is the best online site there is for that purpose, because unlike with other sites, people don't sign up for the sole purpose of meeting a fuck-buddy or significant other, so there is less desperation and frustration. Sexual interaction can and does occur on MySpace, and when it does, it occurs on a more meaningful and natural manner than it does on online dating sites.

    So it's a trade-off. On a site like plentyoffish, people are more likely to be on the same page regarding dating and what they want. As a result a lot of them come across as just looking for sex (nothing wrong with that) or looking for someone to marry (nothing wrong with that either), and less as looking for someone who is mentally and emotionally healthy, someone they share interests with and thus develop a strong, healthy relationship with. MySpace is sort of the opposite; not everyone is in it for dating, but this means if you do click with someone on that level, it will be more meaningful (in my opinion).

    Decadence on
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    SpecularitySpecularity Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    If Myspace users hate random messages from guys, then why even advertise themselves like that? When I see someone post pics of themselves in thongs and bras, it makes it sound like they want the attention, but if they refuse to answer any messages at all, even the sincere ones that I send out, what's the point?


    Because those profiles aren't for you.

    Really, rather than pasting the same bland message to every girl you're interested in, maybe give each message something a bit more interesting to that particular girl. "Hey, saw you like collies and Italian food," for example, would interest me a lot more than just "Hey, sup." Those messages are just deleted without opening (this is on Myspace, though. I don't have any experience with official dating sites).

    I didn't notice you mention any details (likes reading and long walks in the park?) other than looks (cute and nerdy or sexy) that you're seeking out. Perhaps you should consider making those a priority and you may have more success meeting girls.

    Specularity on
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    noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Well, what usually ended up happening with CL is that we would email back and forth a few times and then send photos. Although there's a bunch of ads/posts that require pic and promise one in return.

    I don't know if I would recommend online dating sites for what you're looking though. You honestly have a better shot in the outside world. Online, you have to prove yourself really interesting, or really good looking. Guess it's the same in the real world, but at least there you're not competing with hundreds of guys at the same time.

    noir_blood on
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    DrFrylockDrFrylock Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    1. Your profile might be the problem. Many guys have very generic profiles, and many include obvious red flags that drive people away. For example, "I'm looking for an honest woman" says "I have baggage about being lied/cheated on in the past and therefore I am going to be paranoid about everything you do in a relationship." Again, it's very hard to tell without seeing the profile.

    2. It could be your picture sucks, but again I'd need to see to tell.

    3. It could be that there's something in your personal life that's causing trouble. For example, you could have children, or be fat, or ugly. I'm not saying this to be perjorative - I'm not a good-looking guy myself (fat but not so much ugly). Now let me tell you a secret - ANYBODY can get a date, but if you're not David Beckham you may need to adjust your strategy. Now, I'm not saying to lie, but I'm saying to let your best qualities come out first.

    4. It could be your standards. If you are only e-mailing women with "smoking hot pictures" then you're going to have trouble. Either 1) their pictures are real and they have 100 guys emailing them daily or 2) that's not really their picture and they have problems.

    5. I've never heard of the first two sites you posted, and myspace really isn't a dating site. Why not try OKCupid, PlentyOfFish, Match.com, and Craigslist. 3 of those 4 are free, and Match.com is cheap and has lots of people on it. If you can't afford $20 a month for a dating site account, how are you going to pay for dates?

    6. It may be your approach. Play tight but aggressive - set up a meeting in person after an email or two. Your goal in online dating is not so much the dating but the meeting people. Make the decision whether to pursue things AFTER you meet them.

    Advice:

    - Let someone who is successful at online dating review your profile, or post it here if you're brave enough. Hell, you can PM it to me if you want honesty.
    - Try more popular sites
    - Review your standards
    - Don't try to be selective until after the first date

    DrFrylock on
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    amateurhouramateurhour One day I'll be professionalhour The woods somewhere in TennesseeRegistered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Yes, looks are important for me. No, she doesn't have to be a smoking knockout with massive knockers and a thong, because I go for the cute and slightly nerdy girls too. I'm a bit picky but not that picky. But it's funny that you mention okcupid, because I've yet to see any moderately attractive girls in that site (and the ones that are have a ball busting profile that says things like "I don't play no games so don't fuck with me, I don't smile and I like to cut myself").

    First, that's a little shallow. I won't derail the thread, but I will say that Karma is a bitch man.

    Honestly though, you've got your standards, and more power to you for sticking to those guns, but you're not going to be able to present that attitude online and land the catch of a lifetime meaningful relationship. Frylock had the best advice here. If that's your stance on things, then you need to seek a professional counselor, or editor, to make your profile stand out, or talk to a dating counselor and look for local activities where you can meet women, excluding the places you don't want to meet women, of course.

    amateurhour on
    are YOU on the beer list?
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    Professor SnugglesworthProfessor Snugglesworth Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Which part is shallow, the part where I stress that I don't require a date that measures up physically to a Playboy Playmate, or how I want to avoid cute girls that clearly have psychotic issues? I'm not saying my standards aren't high, but I want to know which of those two points end up sounding shallow.

    Professor Snugglesworth on
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    DrFrylockDrFrylock Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Which part is shallow, the part where I stress that I don't require a date that measures up physically to a Playboy Playmate, or how I want to avoid cute girls that clearly have psychotic issues? I'm not saying my standards aren't high, but I want to know which of those two points end up sounding shallow.

    Since you asked...

    Shallow:
    smoking hot pictures
    swingers and sex-starved people
    super sexy Myspace profiles

    Desperate and creepy:
    I've sent so many hundreds of messages
    I've saved it into a .doc file to copy and paste on a daily basis
    Out of a thousand

    Fail for being cheap:
    has to be free

    You also seem to have discovered that online dating sites are filled with...MOSTLY AVERAGE PEOPLE. Holy shit, whoda thunk it? Average people are average-looking, have baggage, are of average intelligence, and so on. In fact, people, especially female people, who are substantially above average catches have even less motivation to go online to look for partners, so actually people on online dating sites might be even a little BELOW average. You've gotta go through and pick out the ones that you find attractive, and take some chances. Many people are just terrible at writing profiles but are decent in real life. Some sites seem to have more interesting people than others, so try searching on a few and buy an account on the ones that seem to have the kind of people you're looking for.

    As someone who is not particularly attractive or socially ept, I had a problem. I put an honest and non-desperate-sounding profile out there and sent a small number of personalized messages to people I thought might be fun. It worked OK. I was really surprised when I put a funny, nontraditional "ad" on craigslist with a decent picture of myself and within a week I had half a dozen women emailing me. One of them had a boyfriend and just wanted to email because she liked the post. I've been happily with one of them for years now. Couldn't believe it.

    Women want a decent looking guy, sure, but it's more important that they feel they can connect with you on an emotional and mental level. "Want to chat online?" sounds like you're a spambot. "Hey, I read your profile and loved your story about rock climbing. I go twice a week with friends since I really got into it last year, it's a great stress reliever. Do you like cycling? I want to get into that, too." sounds like you're a human being who might be able to connect with something more than your penis.

    DrFrylock on
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    Professor SnugglesworthProfessor Snugglesworth Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    DrFrylock wrote: »
    Which part is shallow, the part where I stress that I don't require a date that measures up physically to a Playboy Playmate, or how I want to avoid cute girls that clearly have psychotic issues? I'm not saying my standards aren't high, but I want to know which of those two points end up sounding shallow.

    Since you asked...

    Shallow:
    smoking hot pictures
    swingers and sex-starved people
    super sexy Myspace profiles

    Desperate and creepy:

    That statement wasn't my way of thinking, I was merely generalizing on what some of these users appear to be at first glance. Like I said and what was mentioned before, the women with the indescribably attractive photos are usually attention whores or bots that want you to join their cam site.

    Just to reiterate, because I really don't want to be seen as that type, I desire a meaningful relationship over a quick fling. But that doesn't mean I won't try to take a shot with a quick fling either, needs of the body and all that. But no matter who the type, I always play it friendly, instead of tossing signals that I want to end up in her bed.

    There was this smoking hot woman at my job, the kind where five guys at once turn their chairs around every time she walks by. I took the first step and interacted with her, getting the personal facts out first. Turns out she has a son and is happy with her boyfriend, so I leave it at that. But one day we're walking outside, and it's pouring rain. I gloat over my colleagues how I thought to bring an umbrella beforehand. I then hand the umbrella to the girl so she can get to her car relatively dry. Naturally she was grateful for it, and so was I; if things don't work out for her current boyfriend, this gesture might help make me her next choice. If not, at least I feel good for doing a good deed, and she'll remember me for it.

    I'll agree with you that the e-mail spamming needs to stop. Keep in mind there aren't many Myspace profiles that leave room for one message conversations (If her profile and photos only say that she likes to drink and party, there's really no way to connect other than to open up with "Hey, I like to drink and party too").

    Professor Snugglesworth on
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    Mr_GrinchMr_Grinch Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Are you UK or State-side?

    I had a brief try with online dating but didn't have much luck really. I met up with a few women, went out on a few dates and even had the odd bout of casual sex but never really "met" anyone for anything more through them.

    That said, my flatmate (a girl) was sick of trying to meet guys in clubs as they're all just after one thing, so we set up her profile and she received THOUSANDS of messages. Every single day her inbox would be full with twenty or so messages, and let me establish that this is not a "stunning" girl. She's by no means ugly though, don't get me wrong. Out of those twenty messages, several were from people wanting a bit of "cyber" fun, others were wanting to meet in real life just for a bit of "fun" and then one or two were more serious.

    At first she tried to make a point of replying to everyone, but there becomes a point where she just had to flat out ignore some emails.

    In the end she actually met a guy she liked through it and they've been dating now for a little over a year and all appears to be going well. His email stuck out a bit from the others because it was funny (it clicked with her sense of humour) and his bio was pretty down to earth AND she found him attractive.

    Another story, my ex-girlfriend with two kids (not mine) and I still get on well. After I split up with her I ended up going out with my current girlfriend. I still kept in touch with my ex and helped look after the kids when she wanted to go out, either for a night out or to meet people. I helped her set up a profile and she had the same experience as my flat mate above,e xcept her profile was a bit more specific. She ONLY wanted people in the local area, she couldn't travel because of the kids and she wanted something SERIOUS not just a bit of fun.

    Despite these requests she still received in excess of twenty messages a day from guys from ALL over the country saying they'd pay for a hotel room for her and what not.

    After weeding through the bullshit though she did actually meet one or two people and go out on a few dates but none of these led anywhere, so she asked me to take her off. Before I did she happened to get a message from some guy she found attractive, was in the local area and seemed old and mature enough to cope with her having two kids.

    She met up with him and now they've been going out for a good two months and all seems to be going strong.

    The main, and slightly lengthy point I'm trying to bring up is that there ARE success stories if you stick out at it, but you have to understand that you have to make your email stand out, not just "Hi, want to chat?". Add a bit of humour in to a message, comment on one of their interests that maybe you share, or even gently rib it if you find it daft. In the end though, women are hounded by hundreds of messages, so yours must stand out, and more importantly they must be attracted to you.

    Shallow as it sounds I'm afraid no-one can really judge your personality from a short description on a site.

    Anyway, the site that the above success stories came from was:

    www.plentyoffish.com

    It's completely and totally free, to message, put up your profile and search. I'm not sure what country you're in (I'm in England) but I think plentyoffish is worldwide (can't check, in work). The other we used was www.freedating.co.uk but that's strictly a UK site.

    ::Edit:: I'll be honest, people are giving you a bit of stick and picking your messages to pieces but I think you just know what you want (either a meaningful relationship OR a bit of fun) and you don't want to message ugly, psychotic people. Good for you!

    Oh, and I also had some luck (albeit more of the let's-meet-up-and-fuck variety) with hotornot.com . You have to pay to send messages but you can get interest in chatting/meeting without paying (and then it's only cheap to sign up for a couple of days to get a message sent).

    I am, also, no oil painting. To be honest I'd likely say BELOW average and I was still ok.

    ::Edit2:: I fucked up my post with an edit.

    Mr_Grinch on
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    DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    edited October 2007
    People are digging into you abit, but there is a lot of really good advice here op. The stuff about standing out and making a connection doesn't sound like stuff you've really tried, and you should. Reread the posts from people with experience and then look at your profile and the messages you said and think 'okay, would I reply to this guy?' Remember, you are probably getting alot of messages a day if you meet your own standards.

    "Hey good lookin" is a guaranteed fail every time. (Unless you are Fabio).

    DodgeBlan on
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    LondonBridgeLondonBridge __BANNED USERS regular
    edited October 2007
    Speakeasy wrote: »
    I've had some hits with plentyoffish.com. I want what you want, pretty much (someone to hang out with and occasionally get your rocks off), and it's come my way thanks to that site...met a handful of girls and did my thing, and while nothing came out of it, I had a fun time. It's free to join too, so that's always good. I know I sound like a shill for the site, but whatever. It has treated me well, especially for only having been signed up for 3 months or so.

    YMMV of course.

    Heh, I just joined that site thank to you. It's not bad when compared to OkCupid which I always felt was geared to the younger (early 20s) crowd that felt a little too much like MySpace.

    I've had a lot of luck with match.com and it seems to work with the more mature (later 20s on up) folk. Of staying honest and labeling myself as 'currently separated' has severely hampered my dating. It's like wearing the scarlet letter.

    LondonBridge on
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    noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    DrFrylock wrote: »

    As someone who is not particularly attractive or socially ept, I had a problem. I put an honest and non-desperate-sounding profile out there and sent a small number of personalized messages to people I thought might be fun. It worked OK. I was really surprised when I put a funny, nontraditional "ad" on craigslist with a decent picture of myself and within a week I had half a dozen women emailing me. One of them had a boyfriend and just wanted to email because she liked the post. I've been happily with one of them for years now. Couldn't believe it.

    Had EXACTLY the same experience a number of times. In CL, I'll always make a point to put an offbeat, funny ad, simply because I figure if someone "gets" my humor right off the bat, we'll have a better shot of getting along. It never fails, as I get a bunch of response, and some that are just "I'm not looking, but you're ad is funny.

    To the OP;

    I'm sorry, but you really do sound shallow. Like your story about giving someone an umbrella. Who the fuck cares if she's smoking hot? I would do that for anyone. The other reason is because all your post, you make a point to state that you're looking for hotness, and don't mention anything about your interest, or anything else. Leading people like myself to think you want a fling.


    And there's nothing wrong with that. More power to you if you are determine to find someone hot. But like everyone has pointed out, internet dating might not be the best avenue to pursue that.

    noir_blood on
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    ED!ED! Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    MYSPACE I wouldnt even consider as a dating site; I dated someone who messaged me through that, but the first message was more of a "cool page. . ." type deal, and unexpected.

    Out of all the sites, I would say YAHOO is the better option. MATCH is far from cheap, and puts restrictions on communication, and gives you no means of knowing whether or not someone is a subscriber or not. YAHOO has no limitations and you can easily shoot out contact info. POF is better because it is more casual, and seemingly laid back.

    As for the lack of people who meet a standard - dont sweat it. Happens in the real world as well no? If looks are important, then they are important and it hardly makes you shallow. If its the only thing you are concerned with (and that doesn't appear to be the case) then sure, but you seem to recognize good/bad social networking behavior.

    And yea, females are going to get more responses than males, so if one person doesn't respond, don't sweat it and move on to another profile.
    Leading people like myself to think you want a fling.

    Wanting a fling does not equal being shallow.

    ED! on
    "Get the hell out of me" - [ex]girlfriend
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    NrthstarNrthstar Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    My old roomates me over a website called the makeoutclub.com. They've been trying to get me on it, but I'm just not very good at being flirtatious over text. A weird limitation to have, but it's true. Oddly enough those two are actually getting married this Saturday though. So I guess it works for some people.

    Nrthstar on
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    Butterfly4uButterfly4u Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Try www.plentyoffish.com That's where I met my boyfriend, and it's totally free.

    Butterfly4u on
    Butterfly
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    SpeakeasySpeakeasy Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Speakeasy wrote: »
    I've had some hits with plentyoffish.com. I want what you want, pretty much (someone to hang out with and occasionally get your rocks off), and it's come my way thanks to that site...met a handful of girls and did my thing, and while nothing came out of it, I had a fun time. It's free to join too, so that's always good. I know I sound like a shill for the site, but whatever. It has treated me well, especially for only having been signed up for 3 months or so.

    YMMV of course.

    Heh, I just joined that site thank to you. It's not bad when compared to OkCupid which I always felt was geared to the younger (early 20s) crowd that felt a little too much like MySpace.

    I've had a lot of luck with match.com and it seems to work with the more mature (later 20s on up) folk. Of staying honest and labeling myself as 'currently separated' has severely hampered my dating. It's like wearing the scarlet letter.

    I always felt OkCupid to be a little...childish? It's an age limit removal away from "asl? 16/f/ca", with the way the whole thing is designed.

    I want to try match.com, but I don't think I am up for a real committed relationship just yet. But all this is diverging from the topic at hand.

    Speakeasy on
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    Professor SnugglesworthProfessor Snugglesworth Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Mr_Grinch wrote: »
    Are you UK or State-side?

    State side, FL resident.
    The main, and slightly lengthy point I'm trying to bring up is that there ARE success stories if you stick out at it, but you have to understand that you have to make your email stand out, not just "Hi, want to chat?". Add a bit of humour in to a message, comment on one of their interests that maybe you share, or even gently rib it if you find it daft. In the end though, women are hounded by hundreds of messages, so yours must stand out, and more importantly they must be attracted to you.

    The strongest lesson I learned from this thread. I always had it in mind to send the simple "hey, wanna chat?" invitation, then leave all the personal details once we start talking, to answer any questions she might have in real-time. But your story made me realize that even the most average looking woman probably gets spammed to high heaven with chat invitations. So I've learned to add some variety, try to establish an early connection ("Oh, you like Heroes? I watch that too").
    ::Edit:: I'll be honest, people are giving you a bit of stick and picking your messages to pieces but I think you just know what you want (either a meaningful relationship OR a bit of fun) and you don't want to message ugly, psychotic people. Good for you!

    It's understandable, I didn't exactly post specifics of what I want in a woman and so forth, so it's only natural I'd get a bit of backlash ("oh, he's one of those guys"). I could just link you to my profile pages or get into further detail, but I'm simply too private a guy to do so. I'm not even a fan of using a webcam, even though I have one, and it has nothing to do with lack of confidence; You just can't be too careful around the internet.
    noir_blood wrote: »
    Like your story about giving someone an umbrella. Who the fuck cares if she's smoking hot? I would do that for anyone.

    I would do it for any woman, period. I was just trying to make a point that even with the hot girls, I don't view any woman as just a piece of ass.

    Professor Snugglesworth on
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    QuidQuid Definitely not a banana Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    I used OKCupid to meet my current and most likely last girlfriend. Like LondonBridge and Speakeasy said though it does tend to be targeted towards younger people with, at the time, her being eighteen and me being twenty.

    Quid on
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    ViolentChemistryViolentChemistry __BANNED USERS regular
    edited October 2007
    noir_blood wrote: »
    Like your story about giving someone an umbrella. Who the fuck cares if she's smoking hot? I would do that for anyone.

    I would do it for any woman, period. I was just trying to make a point that even with the hot girls, I don't view any woman as just a piece of ass.

    Anyone != any woman. There are women out there who prefer to be treated as if their vagina makes them especially frail and helpless, but there are a lot of women who don't, and more to the point guys can catch a cold in pouring rain too. Putting women on a pedestal puts a lot of women off, these women often would rather be people than other-than-people. It also implies particular motives that put them off, it's a very "nice-guy" thing to do, as a legitimately nice guy wouldn't draw a gender-distinction for courtesies.

    Of course most people when told this like to get all defensive and pretend I'm saying they should slam doors in girls' faces and kick 'em in the cooter if they ask you the time of day, but that's a pretty irrational response to being told to be courteous to everyone instead of just women.

    ViolentChemistry on
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    Professor SnugglesworthProfessor Snugglesworth Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    I emphasized "any woman" on the grounds that I wouldn't do that for a guy. Sorry bro, get your own fucking umbrella.

    Professor Snugglesworth on
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    ViolentChemistryViolentChemistry __BANNED USERS regular
    edited October 2007
    I emphasized "any woman" on the grounds that I wouldn't do that for a guy. Sorry bro, get your own fucking umbrella.

    That was kinda the point, duder.

    ViolentChemistry on
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    JansonJanson Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Okay, I hate to do this but I'm going to play the 'I am a woman and this is what I think' card because you're coming off as a real dick, and, frankly, you also sound pretty creepy. And if I get that vibe from just a few posts, then it probably explains why you aren't getting many responses from women on the dating sites, either.

    DrFrylock and noir blood already explained this well to some degree, but to reiterate further:
    There was this smoking hot woman at my job, the kind where five guys at once turn their chairs around every time she walks by. I took the first step and interacted with her, getting the personal facts out first. Turns out she has a son and is happy with her boyfriend, so I leave it at that.

    Okay, kudos for not harassing/pushing anything on her. But:

    'smoking hot' - is there no other adjective you can use? The only way you can think to describe this woman is by noting her level of attractiveness in a fairly crass way.

    'getting the personal facts out first' - I understand the need to find out whether or not she's single, but you're sounding a little aggressive/competitive here. Do you talk to all your colleagues, or just home in on the attractive ones? Do you attempt to make decent conversation, or do you end up being a little interrogative? Maybe you're sounding a bit too aggressive in your personal ads, too. Making friends and networking will also help in dating, too, online or off. Are you being genuinely friendly or do you tend to stop talking to a woman once she's unavailable? You seem to be putting women on pedestals, here.
    But one day we're walking outside, and it's pouring rain. I gloat over my colleagues how I thought to bring an umbrella beforehand. I then hand the umbrella to the girl so she can get to her car relatively dry. Naturally she was grateful for it, and so was I; if things don't work out for her current boyfriend, this gesture might help make me her next choice. If not, at least I feel good for doing a good deed, and she'll remember me for it.
    Wow, you sure sound like a really nice person here! It doesn't matter how good your gesture is if your attitude is bad. She may not have picked up on it in person but you're coming across pretty strongly in a negative light in your writing - and of course girls online only have your writing to go by.
    I emphasized "any woman" on the grounds that I wouldn't do that for a guy. Sorry bro, get your own fucking umbrella.

    VC makes a good point and you respond harshly to him.

    You're not being nice. You have ulterior motives, fine. We all have ulterior motives to some degree. But you still have to change your attitude. Women are not a separate species. If you want to come across as a genuinely nice person, start making nice gestures to everyone, regardless of looks or gender.

    You sound like you're one of those guys who holds the car door open for a girl and then waits to see if she leans across to unlock yours for you. Stop playing mind games and thinking so hard about the implications of a gesture! If you give your umbrella to a woman, you shouldn't be inwardly gloating over the other men. You shouldn't be placing yourself above them in your mind. You shouldn't be thinking of how she'll maybe, one day remember it. Feel happy about it because you put a smile on her face and she's pretty when she smiles, not because you did a 'good' deed.

    Like VC says, I'm not suggesting that you stop opening doors for women and instead slam it in their face. Women do like to have doors opened for them and gifts given to them - but then again, everyone usually does. What you're doing right now is doing the old classic trick of placing women on a pedestal.

    Anyway, again, there's nothing wrong with wanting an attractive, non-psychotic woman, and you don't have to message the ugly girls to make yourself a better person. Just think about what you're saying and change your attitude, and you'll probably find you attract a better class of person naturally.

    Right, having said all that, the advice that others have given is sound. Inject a bit of humour (if you feel you can be funny! It's better to just be straight-forward than crack a bad joke) and be personal. Also, join more sites! Sometimes you need to have lots of lines in order to hook just one fish. The more sites you join, the more likely it is that someone will bite.

    Janson on
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    amateurhouramateurhour One day I'll be professionalhour The woods somewhere in TennesseeRegistered User regular
    edited October 2007
    I wasn't really trying to bitch you out or anything.. It's just when you said "The girl doesn't have to be smoking hot or anything, cause I like the shy brainy girls too...." it comes off as "There are two types of girls in the world... Blonde supermodel idiots or social rejects that just happen to be smart and attractive, and that's that..." That was what I was referrring to when I said shallow.

    Also, your repeated comments about " I'd like a serious relationship, but I'll just take some play too", and the comments about "my manly needs and needs of the body.." You're obviously not eighteen anymore, since you said you're older, so you should be a little more in control of your hormones... Yeah, I will admit that I am a guy, and I will admit that I think about physical activities with the opposite sex on a regular basis, but the two aren't linked so much so that they control my actions. My girlfriend unfortunately lives in another state right now, but during the three weeks out of the month I don't get to see her, I don't run off and buy hookers every time I get a little turned on.

    The above poster had some good advice though, it sounds like you're trying too hard. You try to get too personal with women too soon, and overcompensate by doing the "perfect gentleman" routine. The comments about using more humor sound like they could help you a lot as well.

    amateurhour on
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    Mr_GrinchMr_Grinch Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Personally I see the way Mr Snugglesworth is writing his posts on here is as a guy approaching other guys with a problem. "Smoking Hot" isn't offensive. And if I was talking to a group of my friends and I was interested in a lass I'd probably say "this hot/gorgeous lass I work with" rather than identify her as "This really intelligent lady". It's a "guy" thing. Hell, if I was discussing the same thing with female friends I'd still use the same terminology.

    He doesn't come off as creepy, he comes off as a rather typical bloke. If this is a good thing or not depends on your point of view. Some lasses prefer a touchy/feely kind of guy, some lasses actually like a down to earth guy's guy.

    He only talks to the hot/attractive employees that he's interested in? I'm sure that's not the case, but if it's anything like my office then you generally chat to people in your local area and just give the other's a nice polite hello now and then. If he's interested in this girl then why not go and chat? And it's hardly interrogation to find out she's not single and has a kid, you can normally pretty much establish that from the start:

    "Hey, how's work going? Weekend soon eh? Got much planned?"

    Furthermore, the whole point about being a nice guy and passing a lady an umbrella? I agree, again, with Snuggy (I can call you Snuggy right?) here. If I'm on a night out and a girl hasn't a coat, then I'll offer it. If a guy friend of mine is actually shiverring (rather than just being dosey and not bringing a coat) and I'm warm enough then of course I'd pass it on, but it's a courteous thing to do with a lady.

    And I'm pretty damn sure I don't have ulterior motives in mind, for starters I have a girlfriend and secondly the coat offering is quite often to people that are taken (or even married). Maybe it's wrong but some of us blokes still believe in being chivelrous.

    Anyway, stay the course, keep sending out the messages, keep 'em personilsed to the person you're firing them off to, make sure the picture you have is flattering and I'm sure I'll get there sooner or later.

    And seriously, there's nothing wrong with wanting either a girlfriend or someone just to satisfy your needs (as long as they're on the same page). It's part of being an adult, it's a bit different for the poster above being in a relationship, I wouldn't dream of cheating no matter how horney but when single sex is a perfectly natural thing.

    Mr_Grinch on
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    DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    edited October 2007
    I think the op just sounds abit naive/inexperienced. not evil

    DodgeBlan on
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    amateurhouramateurhour One day I'll be professionalhour The woods somewhere in TennesseeRegistered User regular
    edited October 2007
    DodgeBlan wrote: »
    I think the op just sounds abit naive/inexperienced. not evil

    I think he's on the right track. He knows what he wants, he now has like 12 websites to use as a means to that end, and some advice on how to stand out on the internet without coming off as brash or crude.

    One thing to consider though, if you're looking for mrs right or even mrs right now, you might want to be careful with putting up too many profiles. If you put a profile up on plenty of fish or ok cupid saying to want a relationship, then put one up on makeout . com saying you jsut want some fun, a potential catch might find the other profile and be disinterested. I'd try to keep the same attitude and ideas on every site, or just carbon copy the profiles, for that matter.

    amateurhour on
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    JansonJanson Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    I knew it'd be hard to explain exactly what I mean :P After all, although 'smoking hot' may not be offensive in and of itself, it was the context in which it was used, accompanied by the rest of his post, that made it stand out.

    Similarly with my other points, I'm trying describe the general vibe that comes across in this thread. I can only go by what he's written! I'm not saying he doesn't talk to others at work, I'm just trying to give food for thought. Oh, and true chivalry still applies to both genders, within reason. You might not offer your coat to a man because your coat isn't going to fit him, and it's not a socially acceptable thing to do. But if you head through a door first, you might hold it out for anyone who is behind you. His harsh response to VC suggested he treats women very differently from men.

    Ulterior motives are fine, as I said we all have them to some degree like I said. You just have to be honest with yourself and to others and be aware that you may not be as subtle as you think!

    The creepy part comes in when you revert to subterfuge in order to try and get what you want. You can be more of an extrovert without being an asshole. It helps to clarify your intentions so that other people don't get the wrong idea.

    Basically, a truly 'nice' person doesn't have to say they're a 'nice' person. Perhaps on his profiles he's trying too hard.

    How can I put this? For example, a bad thing to say might be:

    'I'm a nice person who likes to have fun, and I'm looking for a pretty girl.'

    A better thing to say would be:

    'I'm a laid-back guy who appreciates honesty and caring. I like to do this and this with my friends. I'm looking for a girl who maybe shares these interests.'

    I hope that makes sense. Basically, there are many ways to describe your good qualities without coming across as a braggart. Also, be really descriptive! List your hobbies and interests, show, don't just say that you like to have fun! I'm really trying to help here. After all, if only half the posters in this thread find him creepy, that's still half, right? Which maybe means half of the girls viewing his profile are going to find him creepy, too.

    Janson on
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    ArdorArdor Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Ive actually been using eHarmony for the past few months and I've had decent success with meeting people and having fun, even though it hasn't gone much farther. Price depends on how long you sign up for, so it can be anywhere between maybe $30-$40 per month. I chose this route because I'm serious about looking for a relationship and the people I meet on the site who pay this kind of money are too (I assume).

    I think on average I've met 1-2 people per month from the site, so I think it's a useful venture still.

    One thing some friends of mine have had luck with, is making friends through online ventures or dating sites and then meeting said person's friends and having luck with them.

    Also, as far as pictures go, remember, people can easily lose or gain weight in a relatively short period of time. Don't write off smoeone because they are of a more average weight (In the US, average weight likely means slightly overweight for both genders BTW). Meet them, you never know, if someone starts hitting the gym with you, in a year or so they could make significant process if they were a little heavier than you or she wanted her to be. I've met some really good people who weren't skinny or hugely athletic in shape, but they knew how to have a good time, great conversationalists etc.

    My brother is on eHarmony as well and the first few months, he only pursued the good looking, skinnier gals he found and never had much luck with them, likely because so many other guys are also going after them.

    One gal I met had also noted that she was on the site for almost a year and I was the third person she actually met in person. She was very attractive and slightly overweight compared to, say, People magazine, but had an awesome sense of humor and was a very intelligent person who could talk about just about anything you wanted to. I was sad when she stated she didn't feel the chemistry and all, but I would've regretted not meetnig her if I only based my interest in her on her picture alone.

    Ardor on
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    ViolentChemistryViolentChemistry __BANNED USERS regular
    edited October 2007
    No one called him evil. People pointed out things he may be doing wrong as far as trying to get dates goes, which is basically exactly what should be happening in this thread assuming he wants help getting dates.

    ViolentChemistry on
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    EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited October 2007
    More importantly, the tone he uses here is very likely similar to the general things he would probably put in a profile or an introductory email.

    On a personals site, the ONLY thing you have going for you, other than a good picture (which are rare), is your profile. I found, back in 98-99, that when I changed my profile from being basic and obscure, with the intention of meeting people, to more flippant and simply about general things I was into (without even mentioning that I was looking for a girlfriend), I had more interest in my profile. I also found that the nonchalant, easy-going introductions got a lot further than "your face is appealing, are you interested in eating food with me at the end of this workweek" drivel.

    Most girls who sign up for a personals ad are somewhat scared at the prospect. It's kind of a taboo -- people don't like the idea that they have to advertise their availability in order to land a date. Bringing it up doesn't help your goal, which should be first and foremost simply meeting the person to see if you're both interested. The "kind of creepy" comments are really, in my opinion, ways of saying that he's doing something wrong in his approach to online dating.

    The most important thing I learned, and the thing that I tell people who are interested in it in real life, is that people turn to online dating when they dislike the "regular" ways of dating, such as meeting in a public space like a bar or by picking out individuals from a group of friends. They want something new and different, but they don't want to go through the regular tropes that they dislike in the first place. That means that playing a "game" with a girl, which might work in a bar, will flop quickly on a personals site. Same with the boring intro -- going up to a girl and saying "hey how's it going" works in real life because either they blow you off in 2 seconds, or you enter into a conversation. But it's very easy to ignore that on a personals site.

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    Professor SnugglesworthProfessor Snugglesworth Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    @Jansen:

    Some of my closest colleagues in work are women, one in particular who is both married and unattractive (to me, anyway). She was struggling with the job, and I offered some tips that she could do to improve customer relations. She now has the highest ratings from customers in our groups, and I'd like to think I had a hand in her success.

    So I'm sorry if I sound creepy, or a dick, or a pervert to you based on the little information I give. All I can do is assure you I'm not any of those things. I don't converse with women with ulterior motives in mind, unless I'm attracted to her, in which case I will ask if she's currently seeing anyone; If the answer is yes, I leave it at that, but I can still talk to her as a friend. Yes, I have desires; I'm a guy after all. But I also make sure to keep my dick in my pants, if I'm using the metaphor correctly.

    How long does it take for a picture to get approved in ratemybody.com? I made a profile on Tuesday and it's still pending approval.

    Professor Snugglesworth on
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    DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    edited October 2007
    You do come across a weensy bit creepy though. Work on... I don't know... maybe establishing a more jovial/casual tone?

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