Girl Help...I feel like a fool.

Turner

Deleted.

NightDragon

I don't think it would be that much of a huge problem, I would just suggest making sure she knows that it's to say goodbye, and not to rekindle anything.

I also don't know if you "don't love her enough" to lead her on...rather, I think you care about her enough to not lead her on.

I haven't really had a heck of a lot of experience in this specific situation, but I can imagine it going one of two ways - painfully, or relatively well. I think it will be somewhat painful anyway - these things aren't easy, but if you're right about her mentality, it could be a lot harder. Just try not to lead her on further when you see her, or fall into a situation where you may (I guess, as an example, break-up sex may not be the best idea).

Good luck to you though. Personally, I don't see any huge factor in why it would be a really horrible idea. Seeing eachother one more time seems like a somewhat minor request, in itself. Obviously the actual event can be a lot more complex, emotionally, but I think it would be a good idea to go, regardless.

Just my two cents.

blanknogo

If you go, there is a good chance that you will stay with her. You know that, of course, and you don't want that. Why? Is it because you don't love her, or is it because you are afraid of loving her?

Obviously it's a question only you can answer. There's no right decision here. Good luck to you, I mean it.

Schmeckle

If I had been with the person for an extended period of time (as it sounds like you have), I would go to bring closure. Especially if you think that you may love this girl it would be best to leave the relationship on the best of terms just in case in the future there is ever the opportunity that you want to patch things up and give the relationship another chance (maybe after grad school). Also, if she wants to have some closure on the relationship and you have any feelings for the girl, I would make it as easy as possible for her and do whatever it takes to give her some closure. It sounds like you both have feelings for one another, and if that is true I think you should make that clear to her and also let her know that just because things are not working out for the best right now and you 2 cannot be together that doesn't mean that you guys will never get together again. If you decide to go visit her, I would strongly suggest (as hard as it would most likely be) doing anything sexual with her (if you are at that kind of a point in your relationship). You said that you don't want to continue to lead her on and if you were to do anything sexual, that would just be a continuation of leading her on. I hope that everything works out for the best for both of you and I hope that your decision works out in the end. Keep us posted on how everything works out.

ChopperDave

If you've been in a 4+ relationship with a girl, you owe some closure to her. You really can't end a relationship like that over the phone or internet - that's shitty, especially when she obviously cares about you a lot.

Go meet with her in a public place, stand your ground, show a little will power. That's all there is to it.

MrIamMe

Schmeckle said it. Listen to him.

HadjiQuest

I'm in a similar situation at the moment, although I'm just at the end of year one.

It's tough. Best of luck, man.

Narket

I would really advise that you go ahead and go down there. Closure for the both of you will help this break up go smoothly. Hell, you may still remain friends and get together later on down the road. No one knows. There is nothing wrong with a proper good bye. Most of the replies here say the same. Good luck.

DodgeBlan

Uh... am I the only sane person? I can almost guarantee that going down there will not involve closure, especially if you still have feelings for her.

Something very similar happened to me. There was no closure involved. There was the clusterfucking of the emotions of everyone involved.

DISCLAIMER: if you think that you can resist her, and to me it doesn't sound like you can, then go.

EDIT:
what do you people advising him to go think will happen?
HER: please can we be together?
HIM: No.
HER: Please?
HIM: No.

'Then we had a nice weekend together. They saw American Gangster.We are pretty good friends now, that was some tasty closure.'

Halfmex

I agree with Dodgeblan. Closure doesn't necessitate physical contact or even close physical proximity. It simply requires two people to calmly discuss something and come to a final resolution. Meeting up will very likely lead to intimacy which will itself lead to even more emotional confusion on the part of both parties.

If you want to go down just to see her, do so, but to do it under the pretense of giving closure to the relationship is fallacy. It would be one thing if this person were just across town, but being such a long trip, if things get too intense, you're pretty much stuck there until you catch a flight out, which just seems even more awkward.

My advice: don't do it. Yes, a phone breakup is not ideal, but given the distance between the two of you, it's understandable. Going to see her will simply lead to more emotional turmoil and will make the breakup that much more difficult. Just my two cents on it.

Turner

Deleted.

witch_ie

I think you should probably go for yourself and for her. One thing to keep in mind though - if you do make the trip and realize that you still want to be with her, you're going to have to work harder at your relationship because the way it is right now, it doesn't seem like it's working for you.

If it's the distance that's messing you up, you need to find a way to remove that obstacle (like go to grad school in a place you can both live and work). If it's that you feel guilty that you don't love her enough, you need to talk this over with her and see how she feels about it. It may remove some of your guilt and make you happier with the situation.

Schmeckle

Turner wrote: »

At this point, I am looking at it like this:

If I go:

Worst-Case: I go down there, and realize that I really can't do this any more. I make it clear that I feel that way, and we attempt to get some sort of closure before I leave.

Best-Case: I go down there and realize that I am being a fucking idiot, and throwing away the best thing I have.

If I do not go:

Worst-Case: We split, and I worry about whether I truly made the right decision. She doesn't get closure.

Best-Case: We split, and I worry about whether I truly made the right decision. She doesn't get closure.

Look at it this way then. Both of your cases in the If I go section have something positive to them. Both cases for If I do not go involve negative things for both of you. You spend your life wondering what if and she doesn't get closure.

DodgeBlan

From everything you have said I can tell you right now that if you go you are not going to break up with her.

EDIT: and the worst case for going down is not that
this is more what it looks like:

WORST CASE: I go down, still want to break up with her. However I cave in, sleep with her. have doubts in my mind, and either I
a)break up with her after that and am a horrible douchebag, or
b) end up back in an unsatisfying relationship.

Sentry

I hate to break it to you, but the idea that there is anything the two of you can do to "bring closure" to this relationship is pure fantasy.

No matter what, feelings will be hurt, tears will be shed, and life will go on. Closure comes with the passage of time, not with being able to look someone in the eye while you rip out there heart. She's not going to get anything good out of you going down there, and neither are you.

RocketSauce

Turner wrote: »

Asking for girl help on the internet.

I had been dating my girlfriend for 4 years, as of the 24th of October. I live in Victoria, BC. She lives in San Francisco.

It used to be worse, when she still lived in the midwest.

For the past couple weeks/months I have been struggling with everything in the relationship, and it really showed whenever we got the chance to talk to each other.

I know that I love the girl, but I also know that she loves me a lot more than I ever will. I am planning on going to grad school, so there is a distinct possibility that we will never spend a serious amount of time together for another 5-6 years.

Prior to this year, during the summer we would both return to Indianapolis, and be able to spend the summer together. However, my family recently moved to New Hampshire. As such, I will spending the summer there.

In other words, it is looking like 2008 is going to be a year of maximum 1 month together.

Summary up to this point:
- Love this chick, but I love her a lot less than she loves me. I know that I am leading her on, and I can't stand the idea of doing it for another 5 years. I can't stand making her wait for me, when I am not even sure of what I want.

So, today I finally said something to her. I said that I don't really want to do this anymore, and told her why.

As one would guess, it was a less than stellar conversation.

But, she really only wants one thing. She wants me to come down to San Francisco for the weekend (I have a reading break) so that we can 'bring closure' to the relationship.

So, PA H/A forum, does this sound like a bad idea to you?

I know that she is pretty much going to try and 'win' me back, and change my mind. However, I am pretty dead-set in how I feel.

I really don't want to give in and keep going with a relationship that I am un-sure of, but at the same time...

I can't stand the idea of leaving her, and not seeing her in person one last time. I know that if we really are over, closure is definitely something that she needs.

Basically, I am looking to see what other fine people of H/A would recommend. Does it sound like a stupid idea to go visit her now?

TLDR:

Dating a girl for 4 years, broke up tonight. I don't love her enough to keep leading her on in a long-distance relationship. She wants me to visit her this weekend to bring closure to the relationship. Smart idea? Y/N?

Thanks for any help.

After "4 years" ( I don't think you've truly been dating for 4 years because of the time apart) wouldn't one of you be willing to move to be with the other? Doesn't sound like either of you are really ready to spend the next 5-6 years in dating pergatory. Either one of you is willing to move, or the relationship is dead.

IreneDAdler

I'm sorry you're going through this My boyfriend and I went through much the same while I was still in college.

The first thing you have to decide is: Do you want to break up with this girl? It sounds like you're not sure. You should choose your action depending on what your answer to that question is. If you really think the best thing to do is to break up for good, don't go down to see her. If you meet her face-to-face, you're going to end up back together. Whether or not that's a bad thing, no one can really say. You say that you're planning on going to grad school, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you guys can't be together for 5 years. What are her plans? If you aren't willing to choose your grad school based on her location, would she be able to find something to do where you go to grad school? And would you be ok with it? If neither of you are willing to plan around the other, it may be a sign that the relationship is not a very high priority in your lives (which is also not necessarily a bad thing), which might mean that it's time to cut ties. The whole point of a long-distance relationship is to tough things out until it can be a not-long distance relationship, and if you both don't want to plan around each other, then it's unlikely you will ever end up together.

Reiten

If I'm reading you right, you're breaking up with her for her sake? What gives you the right to decide this for her? Lay out what you see as the problems and then discuss them like adults. Don't make the decision for her without that discussion. Otherwise you have to make the decision for yourself. Saying that it's for her sake sounds like a way to make yourself feel noble and avoid guilt/responsibility.

Turner

Deleted.

Dulcius_ex_asperis

Wait, how old are you? Are you finishing college and planning to start grad school? I didn't catch that part. Or it wasn't quite clear.

Turner

Deleted

Trowizilla

It really sounds like you don't love this girl if you're not willing to compromise even a tiny bit in order to be together. Since you've already got the tickets, go and get your stuff back and settle accounts. If you can refund the tickets, do that; it'll be easier on her if she doesn't have to see you.

Plus, I'd recommend not dating for awhile. It doesn't sound like you've got the flexibility necessary for a relationship at the moment.

(Oh, and period sex is nothing you should be referring to as "that kinda shit." It makes you sound really immature.)

IreneDAdler

Trowizilla wrote: »

It really sounds like you don't love this girl if you're not willing to compromise even a tiny bit in order to be together.

I disagree. Certain people just put their careers on a higher priority. Just because they're not willing to compromise on their intellectual/career development for another person, does not mean that they don't love them. Having said that, it sounds like the OP is being a little narrow-minded. Firstly, the older I get, the more I realize that life doesn't (and shouldn't) always go according to plan. You may find that setting out a definite plan for yourself is just putting blinders on and restricting your own potential. Secondly, I don't know exactly what field you are in, but in many scientific disciplines, you can find good quality education in many graduate schools around the United States. Unless you have a specific person you'd like to work for, you have many options for the location of your grad school. In fact, UCSF is one of the most competitive graduate schools in the nation (for biology, at least). UCB is also quite good. If you doubt whether you want to break up with her, and being able to go to grad school in SF would make you more comfortable with the idea of staying together, then you should at least explore that option.

Of course, this is all moot if you've made up your mind that breaking up is what is best for you. That's important -- realize that you should only be doing this for your own sake; as someone else said, you have no right to decide what is best for your girlfriend. If you don't even trust her to figure that out for herself, then your relationship is, well, probably never going to work.

(Oh, and period sex is nothing you should be referring to as "that kinda shit." It makes you sound really immature.)

While I agree that the OPs attitude about sex during menstruation is somewhat off-putting, I don't think it necessarily makes him immature. Some people just have an ingrained revulsion to blood, it has nothing to do with their attitude towards women and/or their biological functions.

Turner

Deleted

Trowizilla

IreneDAdler wrote: »

Trowizilla wrote: »

It really sounds like you don't love this girl if you're not willing to compromise even a tiny bit in order to be together.

I disagree. Certain people just put their careers on a higher priority. Just because they're not willing to compromise on their intellectual/career development for another person, does not mean that they don't love them. Having said that, it sounds like the OP is being a little narrow-minded. Firstly, the older I get, the more I realize that life doesn't (and shouldn't) always go according to plan. You may find that setting out a definite plan for yourself is just putting blinders on and restricting your own potential. Secondly, I don't know exactly what field you are in, but in many scientific disciplines, you can find good quality education in many graduate schools around the United States. Unless you have a specific person you'd like to work for, you have many options for the location of your grad school. In fact, UCSF is one of the most competitive graduate schools in the nation (for biology, at least). UCB is also quite good. If you doubt whether you want to break up with her, and being able to go to grad school in SF would make you more comfortable with the idea of staying together, then you should at least explore that option.

Of course, this is all moot if you've made up your mind that breaking up is what is best for you. That's important -- realize that you should only be doing this for your own sake; as someone else said, you have no right to decide what is best for your girlfriend. If you don't even trust her to figure that out for herself, then your relationship is, well, probably never going to work.

Compromise being the key word. I've known a lot of truly driven people, but if you're in love, you're willing to arrange things so that you can be together, whether it's by changing your own plans or making it easier for the other people to accomodate you. The fact that the OP has decided point blank that he is not willing to make the relationship work means that he's not willing to make it a priority. No judgment, there; I've ended relationships that weren't my top priority, too, but it's something to recognize in one's self.

IreneDAdler wrote: »

(Oh, and period sex is nothing you should be referring to as "that kinda shit." It makes you sound really immature.)

While I agree that the OPs attitude about sex during menstruation is somewhat off-putting, I don't think it necessarily makes him immature. Some people just have an ingrained revulsion to blood, it has nothing to do with their attitude towards women and/or their biological functions.

It wasn't the attitude I was objecting to, it was the phrasing. If he just said "I'm not into that," it wouldn't have even been a blip on my scanners.

Sky

To OP,

It may sound tough or whatever, but I think you guys should have "split" years ago.

It's like this, if you are good friends, your sexual relationship will not be a factor. You'll still talk to each other.

But not being together, kind of defeats the point of having a relationship, if you ask me. I date because I like doing stuff with a significant other.

My advice, talk about having either an open relationship, or just maintaining a friendship, and if you two are together, and un-attached, then you guys get together and have fun. Otherwise, when the time is right, and things work out, you'll take the opportunity.

I would say this, you learn from relationships. So the more relationships you have, the more you learn about how to act in a relationship, what works and doesn't work. You also learn what makes you happy, what type of personality you best respond to. And you learn what brings out the best in you.

noir_blood

Sky wrote: »

To OP,



But not being together, kind of defeats the point of having a relationship, if you ask me. I date because I like doing stuff with a significant other.

This is how I feel. I know I might be wrong, but long distance relationships have always been iffy with me. You said you been going on for four years, but the way that I read it, it strikes me as if it's always been long distance.

And then you say you might move on to a school that will keep you guys separated for another five years? It's a good thing you broke up now. And don't get back together. Or go see her. Closure can be done thorugh the phone.