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How the heck do I do this? *semi guy thread..*
AlyceInWonderland
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Awwwllrighty... so I have a problem. I thought it was minor, but due to some certain events (Re: Boyfriend getting quite pissed at me), I've realized it's not such a small thing.
I tend to forget things. Small things, but things none the less, and my boyfriend gets pissed at me for it, which, I think, is for a legitimate reason. What I do probably comes across to him as inconsiderate, and uncaring.
Basically, I say I'm going to do something, then it takes far too long for me to get to it. For example, I needed to clean my room, and said I was going to about 2 weeks ago. Have I done it yet? Of course not. (To be fair, I'm at college for most of the week, and I come home on the weekends) but either way, it should have been done that weekend, and not this one.
I told him I would drink more water, because he said it was better for my system. Have I? No.
He asked me to design his tattoo. I'm finished with that, but it took me long enough.
and just other seemingly minor things, but they add up and they piss everyone off.
See, the thing is, I intend to do them, I just....forget. All the time. I'll hear it, and WANT to get it done, but 5 minutes later I'm distracted with some other project.
I've noticed that such a thing has only occurred after I left for college. That's when I truly started to forget to do things. Could it be because of stress (horrible, terrible room mates, resulting in lack of sleep, and various other things, crappy living situation...etc)? ...Don't suggest lists, I have made plenty...unless you suggest a way of making BETTER lists....if such a thing is possible.
All I know is that I don't want to make anyone upset or angry anymore due to my forgetfulness. It's ridiculous and the little things add up, and I always feel bad about such things, as I always intend to do the right thing.
So, what I'm asking here is how could I reduce stress, and retain and remember things from through out the day? Are there any "exercises" that could be done to help my memory?
I'm not talking about help retaining info in my studies, or anything like that. All that is fine and dandy, and I have no problem with remembering stuff from class. i'm talking about every day seemingly insignificant things....like remembering to draw something for your boyfriend like you said you would, or remembering to apply to a freakin' job like you also said you would (Not lazy, I have full intentions of doing so)....or even remembering what my boyfriend SAYS through out the day so I don't have to ask "What are you talking about" all the time.
Anyway, I'm sorry if this is just one giant incoherent mess. It's late and I'm tired, and probably not making any sense.
Just help me out here. I want to be a better girlfriend, and to make everything easier on everyone.
TL;DR- I forget crap, and it's pissing everyone off, especially my boyfriend. HALP ME REMEMBR STUF, K?
I tend to forget things. Small things, but things none the less, and my boyfriend gets pissed at me for it, which, I think, is for a legitimate reason. What I do probably comes across to him as inconsiderate, and uncaring.
Basically, I say I'm going to do something, then it takes far too long for me to get to it. For example, I needed to clean my room, and said I was going to about 2 weeks ago. Have I done it yet? Of course not. (To be fair, I'm at college for most of the week, and I come home on the weekends) but either way, it should have been done that weekend, and not this one.
I told him I would drink more water, because he said it was better for my system. Have I? No.
He asked me to design his tattoo. I'm finished with that, but it took me long enough.
and just other seemingly minor things, but they add up and they piss everyone off.
See, the thing is, I intend to do them, I just....forget. All the time. I'll hear it, and WANT to get it done, but 5 minutes later I'm distracted with some other project.
I've noticed that such a thing has only occurred after I left for college. That's when I truly started to forget to do things. Could it be because of stress (horrible, terrible room mates, resulting in lack of sleep, and various other things, crappy living situation...etc)? ...Don't suggest lists, I have made plenty...unless you suggest a way of making BETTER lists....if such a thing is possible.
All I know is that I don't want to make anyone upset or angry anymore due to my forgetfulness. It's ridiculous and the little things add up, and I always feel bad about such things, as I always intend to do the right thing.
So, what I'm asking here is how could I reduce stress, and retain and remember things from through out the day? Are there any "exercises" that could be done to help my memory?
I'm not talking about help retaining info in my studies, or anything like that. All that is fine and dandy, and I have no problem with remembering stuff from class. i'm talking about every day seemingly insignificant things....like remembering to draw something for your boyfriend like you said you would, or remembering to apply to a freakin' job like you also said you would (Not lazy, I have full intentions of doing so)....or even remembering what my boyfriend SAYS through out the day so I don't have to ask "What are you talking about" all the time.
Anyway, I'm sorry if this is just one giant incoherent mess. It's late and I'm tired, and probably not making any sense.
Just help me out here. I want to be a better girlfriend, and to make everything easier on everyone.
TL;DR- I forget crap, and it's pissing everyone off, especially my boyfriend. HALP ME REMEMBR STUF, K?
AlyceInWonderland on
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anyway if you're tired and stressed people ought to be cutting you some slack.
Boyfriend: Well, is there anything *else* you need to do?
Me:....Uhm...*lists a billion things I've completed today, and things I might have not that I think may be what he's talking about*
Boyfriend:...no. Just THINK about it.
Me: I'm TRYING *Wracks brain for about 8 minutes*
Boyfriend: Have you got it yet?
Me: *sigh*...no
Boyfriend:...*sigh* You have to clean out that box in your room like you said you would. You always say you're going to do things and then you don't.
Me: I'm sorry, I always forget, but I try to remember!
Boyfriend: You always forget....
Boyfriend: Have you applied to that job yet, or did you forget to do that as well. It's either you being lazy, or....
Me: *facepalm* no, I forgot to last weekend. I'm not lazy.
Boyfriend: Sure.
This makes him sound mean, but he isn't. He's just getting irritated at these things that I do. But yeah...that was just an example of me forgetting, and someone getting annoyed.
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But here are a few ideas:
1)
So, it sounds like if you can generally become a bit more fit/sleep in regular amounts, your situation may improve. Sounds like you've got some roommate problems: talk it out with em' if you haven't already. I fear I might be a detrimental roommate myself, but whenever I ask my roommate if the light of the computer screen or my music is bothering him, he just says "Naw man, you coo'.". I think he's just being too polite, though. But if you're the same way (as my roommate, I mean), speak up about it.
2)
I guess this one is a bit odd, but if you own a Nintendo DS, you might consider picking up one of the Brain Age games. Theres no actual proof that the game improves your presence of mind, but that is one of its major advertising points. Honestly, I don't know about this one. I've only played the game in a gamestop for like 10 minutes. But I'll throw it out there.
3)
I lurk a good deal and I've seen you around the AC, and you seem rather artistically inclined, so if notes/lists aren't cutting it, perhaps you could devise a system of doodling? If you enjoy it more drawing more than listing, you're probably a bit more likely to remember it. For instance, if you've got a job interview tomorrow, doodle yourself in some silly-blue-collar suit and put it on your door. When you're walking in/out, you'll register that image faster and easier than a list, and it'll likely have more of an impact. Of course, making a quick doodle of things you have to do sounds very time consuming, but it might be worth consideration.
Finally, I'd just like to say: Thats a really good and kind outlook, trying to improve yourself for your loved ones. Don't stress too much about the whole ordeal. Just take a deep breath, and enjoy your daily life. Keeping a level head can help more than anything. When I'm in a rush, running to class because I've procrastinated or some such, I'll forget tons of important things. Pacing is key.
I myself have never been in a relationship, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt, but it sounds like your boyfriend is being a bit hard on you from here. Maybe remind him (not in a very pointed, indignant way though) that you're not perfect?
Good luck with it!
Cat, this is why you walk up and down all the aisles of the supermarket, so you can see everything.
I would say get a big whiteboard and writeup everything you need to do. Then when you get up in the morning think to myself what do I need to do, look at the board and then do it. Do the same thing when you get home as well.
Satans..... hints.....
Sorry, that may seem a little harsh, but games like that are just nonsense. Getting upset about little, insignificant shit is just silly. Especially if it's something you know is a problem and you're trying to fix it.
but they hide it in a corner and i get distracted by the ice-cream...
yeah, the more I look at that IM sequence the more uncomfortable I get. You're letting him dominate you through some pretty passive-aggressive shit, and that's not healthy.
Anyway, to cope with this I have a little notebook that I carry everything with me where I write out what I need to do that day. Just having it around at hand is a motivator to get the things I need done, done. As an added precaution, in case I lose/forget the notebook I have a to do list on my phone. In case I forget both, I write stuff on my wrists/arms. May seem a little overboard, but hey, everything gets done nowadays.
It's not a matter of making better lists I find, but one of making sure you keep reminding yourself of that list.
But he shouldn't be such a douche about it too though. It's ok to forget to clean up you room. I mean, it's your room. Now if it was your parents, yeah, it's their house., clean it up. But he's not paying your rent or letting you live in it. You're stressed out and your mind is on more important matters (school). He has to be a little more considerate, or hey, if the room being dirty/applying for a new job is bothering him, he should help you clean/start looking for work.
That's what partners are for right, to hold your hand sometimes?
As for reducing stress, any physical exercise will help.
Hows your diet? I could see maybe if you weren't eating well combined with college stresses leading you to get a little absent minded.
Now. I haven't actually seen him use this system, but my boyfriend swears by colour-coded Post-It notes stuck to the wall somewhere easy to get to and clearly visible from wherever you spend most of your time (probably your computer). Whenever you think of something you need to do, write it on a Post-It note and put it up on the wall right then. Whenever you walk past the wall, stop for a moment, scan over the notes, and see if there are any items you can take care of right then. If so, do them, then pull the note off and toss it away. If the note is for something outside the house - like for instance applying for a job - stick it to the inside of your wallet on your way out the door, so you see it as soon as you open your wallet. If you get it done, throw it out; if not, hang your head and stick it back up on the wall.
Lists are easy to lose, and they're intimidating, and it's just as easy to forget the location of a list as it is to forget the items on it. Easier, even, since it's one small physical thing compared to a dozen separate ideas. Notebooks are a bulky hassle - again, it's something you need to remember to carry around with you all the time, and if you lose it, you're fucked. You also need to deal with either re-adding things every day, or trusting yourself to remember to page back two weeks to make sure you remembered not to forget [task X]. If you devote a chunk of your wall to Post-It notes, however, you'll see some definite advantages:
- no more lost lists
- it's easy to add and remove items without things getting messy
- you can take individual Post-Its with you so you'll remember to do them when you go out
- you can colour co-ordinate tasks by priority, and further divide the items into domestic and external activities
- you'll look at it constantly, making it less likely for you to forget about things on it
- Post-It notes are pretty awesome in general
Post-it notes work pretty well, but the best thing would be to do something the second you're asked, or if you're busy write it down and put it somewhere you'll come back to in an easy-to-spot place.
I would try to get him to tone it down, though. He does sound a bit harsh, especially for things he shouldn't have much to do with like your room being clean.
Also, the "Think about what you had to do" thing is complete bullshit. Guessing games like that fall in line with "Do you know why you're in trouble?"
My housemates 'forget' to clean the kitchen after they use it, so I always have to clean up after them to use the fucking kitchen. That would get me pissy because it directly affects my ability to cook. Are the things you're forgetting to do directly and negatively affecting your boyfriend? If not, he needs to lay off.
Clean out the box in your room?
Who is he, your boyfriend or your dad?
I agree with Cat, he's being really passive-aggressive. It is understandable that your forgetfulness irritates him, but trying to guilt-trip someone for their flaws and mistakes is hardly healthy, and it certainly is not conducive to any long-term change.
It's just like trying to make someone feel guilty for being overweight. Sure, they might try to change and they might even lose some weight, but studies have shown that most of those people gain it right back within a year, usually when the pressure factor, i.e. the person pressuring them, leaves their life.
oh my god yes i hate my flatmates for this. but even then, a) its not like I don't make my own mess and b) its not hard to, say, pile all their shit in a corner and go on with my life.
Alyce, your OP says you got the thing that was most important to your BF done as soon as you could, and frankly the rest of it sounds like either the kind of thing you do in your holidays (cleaning), or the stuff we all mean to do and don't until we get kidney stones :P (the water thing). The only thing you do need to do is the job apps, and that's because money is always rad. I think you need to be less hard on yourself, and maybe recognise that your subconscious is prioritising for you. I'm guessing that deep down you don't really give a shit about a little bit of mess or your water intake, which is totally fine. I'm also guessing you're not too crash-hot on the idea of working on top of your other commitments, either - which may be less fine if you have no money. Sit back and think about what's really important to you, and prioritise from there. I think you'll be much happier if you can please yourself a little bit instead of only pleasing others. There's a balance to be kept, you know?
At uni we used to pile their shit outside their bedroom door, the started cleaning up fairly regually, very quickly.
OP do you live with your boyfriend? Is it your room or both of yours room?
If you live together then i can understand him becoming irate over you not cleaning your stuff up. (2 weeks is a long time to go without cleaning).
Yeah I'm a rare example of someone who cleans up after themselves when they cook and eat.
Mostly. 8-)
At work I have a little notebook at the side of the keyboard here that I keep constantly updated when people come asking for tasks or if I need to get something done. It's the first thing I look at when I get in in the morning and the last thing I see before I head off home.
I've got the same thing at home, just bigger. I've gone through 3 A4 spiral bound notebooks this year just filling them with notes to myself and to-do stuff and the position it's kept (on the desk infront of my monitors) means I see it every time I sit down. It doesn't even have to be organised -- I've got invoice system updates alongside possible Christmas presents written down next to something I need to do in a game I'm playing.
But they really help. Anything that gets written down gets acted on. The problem is constantly having something written on the back of your hand because you've been told something whilst out and about and don't have access to your notebook.
Seriously. He's your boyfriend, not a parent. If he thinks you should clean out some box or whatever, he could help you do it, but playing patronizing games is just being a dick. Also:
It makes him sound mean because it is mean.
As for help - make some lists! What are you doing instead of doing what you should be? Put a handwritten list on your desk - tape it up somewhere. Type up a list on your computer and have it pop up when you start your computer - this really helped me.
Also is it just me or does the OP’s boyfriend come of as a bit controlling?
Either that, or he's being waaaaay controlling.
I could totally understand if these were important matters in reference to essential things. Car insurance, job if he is supporting you, dr appt for that weird growth on your nose.
But cleaning a room? Cleaning a box? Dude needs to chill out.
Secondly, I personally have some motivation issues, and remembering what to do and when. Everyday, I set a goal when I see a task. I make that my #1 thing to get done in the day. Some days its something at work, somedays its doing my damned dishes. I use any method that jars my brain into thinking about it. Post it notes on my computer monitor or TV so i don't play games right when I get home. Or a post it note on my door so i see it before i leave for things like dr appts and car maintenance appts. Check book on my keyboard as a reminder to check on the status of certain bills and loan payments. Cleaning products in my computer chair to remember to clean my appt. An empty toiler paper roll on the toilet lid, you get the point.
You are in College. Your first priority sounds like it is, and should remain %100 focus on your education. If this is draining that much focus to where you don't pick clothes up off your floor, or forget to clean last nights dinner dishes, oh well. Neither of those things are the end of the world. Your brain is taxed from your day, and so long as critical things are being completed, petty shit like this needs to be stressed less over.
You say your boyfriend isn't mean, and that the texts just sounds mean. If thats the case and he really isn't a controlling patronizing ninny, then ok. But it sounds like he is being a douche.
It's been said a bajillion times already but it's true. A box that's in your room is none of his business. Unless you guys share a room, but I don't remember you saying that anywhere. Basically, having dealt with kind of a similar situation, it sounds to me like he is either 1) kind of a neat/control freak and wants you to do something when he tells you to or 2) sees you being all crazy scatterbrained (which is ok! as long as you can function and thinks your life would be easier if you could remember things better. Which is great that he cares, but not so great that he's treating you like a child about it.
Either way, that shit has to stop, because whether you realize it or not, you do resent it, and it'll blow up one day. You're both adults and you should treat each other as such. If you're forgetting things that actually impact him negatively, that's one thing, and he has every right to give you a modest amount of grief about it, but from what you've described, he's way out of line.
As for remembering stuff, well, I had a really good system once, but I forgot it. :P
I too am wicked absent-minded. Does my husband wish I was less so? I have no doubt. But he also doesn't press me to remember every little detail - he emails me to remind me of stuff I need to do that day (BEFORE it has to get done, not AFTER), we bought a whiteboard that we can both write things down on to remember them and put it on the fridge where I have to walk past it periodically. And most importantly? When I forget to pick up my knitting stuff or my homework, he doesn't get huffy about it - the last time he wanted my junk picked up was several weeks ago when we were having friends over for D&D. I can only imagine that him criticizing me over it would just make me resentful and therefore less likely to pick up after myself.
Also, what Cass said - you just started college. There is a lot of shit going on, especially if you're going back and forth between home and school every damn weekend. Boyfriend needs to cool his jets while you (and he) get used to a major life change.
Alyce, if he keeps this up, send him my way and I'll kick his butt and tell him to be nice. :P
Seriously though, cleaning out the box in your room? Why does that matter to him at all?
And your boyfriend sounds like a fuckface.
Maybe you could try being screened for that?
p.s. I know everyone on earth is getting diagnosed with ADD at this point, but for many people, the treatment greatly helps. Get multiple tests done though. Theres a thousand different scales and ways to interpret your actions.
like maybe your b/f asked you to do something while you were distracted and you said "yeah, yeah". next time stop what you're doing and draw that tattoo right then (or clean your room or whatever).
and your b/f is all hypersensitive about it now, so he's being all passive-aggressive about stupid shit like cleaning out a box. maybe he's a bitch, or maybe you've been flaking out too much on him and you need to pay extra attention to those needs (at least until he's less sensitive about it).
and for getting yourself to do things you just don't want to do, put it in big writing where you can't miss it (like on the mirror you use, or on the wall you see when you wake up, or right on the alarm clock) ... or on a giant whiteboard, chalkboard, corkboard placed somewhere you HAVE to look at.
And if it's really really important, write it on your hand.
I used to bug her about it, but she emphasized that she's stressed out and that if she forgets something, it's MY job to either remember for her or to do it myself. I'm an adult as well, and if it bugs me, I've got two hands. Actually the last part is more me, emphasizing that to her.
As in, when I realized she was stressed out and forgetful, I picked up the slack and the things that bugged me, I simply did myself. Did she forget to load and run the dishwasher? The next day, I do it myself and mention that I did it. I don't gloat over her that I did her work for her, and she often says "Oh, I forgot, thanks so much." I know she appreciates it and is thankful that I pick up the slack for her when she's had a rough day.
My wife's solution to her problem/stress is lists. But, look, you can't just write a list. You need to KEEP IT WITH YOU. You can't leave it anywhere but on your body! It stays with you at all times. It is your list of things to do, and when you get something to do, you add to the list. And when you finish something, you cross it off. You don't forget the list because it is the 2nd most important thing you would carry with you (1st is usually keys/wallet).
And my wife loves it, because she can do things like write down all the things we need to do on Saturday, and when we go out shopping or get to work on things, we get everything done! We don't come home from the store without something we needed because she had her list and we worked through it. It's fantastic. But it only works if you ALWAYS have your list on you. She did it by buying a nice small notebook/journal with calendar pages, so she can plan ahead and see where things are happening.
Tell your boyfriend to get off your back, and that if something bugs him so much, he can do it himself. Tell him that water isn't important and you're not thirsty so you're plenty healthy. Tell him that he doesn't live in your room, and you're only there on the weekends and you come home to RELAX, not do work.
and your BF seems weird about it all.
I asked him to get on my case a bit about such things, and help me remember crap because I'm a HUGE procrastinator, so that's why he's in a huff about the room and box.
and I also talked to him earlier today about how don't really like it when he does the guessing game junk. It only makes me feel ridiculous and stupid, he agreed that he's help me in a better manner.
So yeah, he's really not a jerk, he's more of a 'get crap done now so you don't have to worry about it later" person, and other than me not being so reliable (re: what i'm talking about in this thread), everything is actually quite awesome between us.
ANYWAY, now that's said and done, I really appreciate all the replies, and the suggestions are all awesome, especially the idea about getting a mini notebook and keeping the lists on me at all times, also someone PMed me an idea of using the calendar on my computer, which I'm also going to do.
Thanks again, and keep the suggestions coming!
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Just take a look at all the things you expect to get done over the weekend or however long, and see whether or not it's actually reasonable.
My mother used to (and still does) have a real problem about forgetting things. As in leaving people stranded in the next town over (20 miles) because she forgot to pick them up. Forgetting the way conversions went so you get in trouble for things you never said / did except in her head. Actual things that impact other people.
Forgetting to clean out a box is not something to be stressed about.